Seeing the Raptors make history last night as they became NBA champions for the first time made me feel happy, seeing the entire Country unite over their win made me feel really happy and seeing people from all over the world celebrate their victory made me feel really really happy. Yes it is true, that even though I may suffer with a major depressive disorder on a daily basis, I am still able to experience moments of happiness.
First of all, and probably the most important thing I should note here because unfortunately many people still don’t understand it, but depression is not just a feeling; it’s an illness, an illness I did not choose, and the sadness I feel is a persistent, underlying emotion of my illness.
You have probably heard the saying before; “it’s the little things in life that make you happy” and I couldn’t agree more, even though I have a persistent, underlying emotion of sadness. There are so many things that make me happy in my life and on the top of that list, hands down, is making the ones I love most feel happy too.
But I am sad because my happiness often leaves me clouded and I am sad, not because I cannot see the beauty and kindness that surrounds me every day, but I am sad because my illness does not allow me to see that same beauty and kindness inside of me which leaves me unable to feel happiness within me either.
My happiness depends on the happiness of others. No matter how big or small my achievement may seem to others, my persistent, underlying sadness manages to overshadow it. I know that my self-perception may appear irrational to many but my inner voice tells me otherwise. It makes me believe that I am not worthy of my successes, or that my courage should not be celebrated and most of all it takes away my power to feel happiness within me.
So for now as I learn how to feel happiness within me once again, I will continue to bask in the beauty and kindness of other people’s happiness which will include celebrating the gift that the Raptors have given to Canada and seeing as I did jump on the bandwagon I’m pretty invested in their happiness now after all.