I’m My Own Worst Enemy; Life As A Self-Saboteur

I’ve being trying really hard to be strong lately while hiding behind my mask, even looking at the glass half full instead of completely empty but then in the blink of an eye it all came to a crashing halt. My emotions are running very deep right now and I feel like trying to hide behind my mask has just made things worse for me. I am feeling completely powerless over everything in my life today and it’s been a real reality check per say.

By trying to put on an act lately I figured others would be more willing to accept me without judgment but in reality hiding behind my mask has just overwhelmed me more than ever. As many of you know I moved recently (see blog: Moving Sucks; July 2, 2019) and the move itself has been a positive one as the energy around us is a gazillion times better than in our previous home (that’s a whole other story for another time) but now I am left feeling that my change of address should have been a cure for my anxiety and depression.

I truly wish that it was that simple, that somehow a fresh coat of paint on a wall or moving in general would signify that I could leave my illness behind and the pressure I’m experiencing from it has caused me to feel even less than okay. We all face pressure and live with a certain degree of stress in our daily life but when you add depression and anxiety into the mix we tend to add a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves much of the time, most of which we do without even realizing we are doing it.

I have become my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging is something I excel at. The most dangerous part about self-sabotaging behaviour is that as I just mentioned above, we often do it in our subconscious. Subconsciously you feel like you are never good enough or that you don’t deserve happiness or that you are unworthy of success. And the best way to feed into these emotions is by continuing to wear that mask in order so that no one else will figure out that maybe it’s true, maybe you aren’t good enough, maybe you don’t deserve happiness and maybe you are unworthy of success.

I don’t want to wear my mask because I know that somewhere deep down inside I have come too far in my mission to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness and I have also helped many others take off their masks as well. But sometimes it just feels like a necessity to wear my mask in order to protect myself from my own worst enemy, which of course is ME and when I’m faced with these situations I need to somehow learn to kill my self-sabotaging ways with kindness in order to become my own best friend instead.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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