Category: 2020

Imperfectly Perfect

My illness lies to me all the damn time but it’s so hard not to believe its vicious lies after everything we’ve been through together in the past six and a half years. 

One such lie that it repeats over and over and over again is how much of a burden I am to my family and how much better off they would be without me. 

It constantly triggers countless negative thoughts and emotions in my head that pull me in a million different directions which can strike at any moment, especially during the dark and lonely nights. 

Last night I shared with you one of the most meaningful and proudest moments any parent could ever imagine. A moment that should prove to all the untruths once and for all that my illness is nothing more than a big fat liar because I must be loved, I must be needed and I must truly be cherished.

When we first become parents we aim for perfection and we strive to provide for our kids a near perfect life, but how realistic is that really when we live in such an imperfect world? 

And truth be told, there is nothing wrong with being an imperfect parent, infact being such is actually perfectly perfect even if my illness tries to tell me otherwise. 

I have been overwhelmed with so much emotion since Jacob unveiled his tattoo to us last night. My kids have been living in a pretty imperfect place for the better part of six years now and although my illness keeps telling me that I am a burden to my family and that they are better off without me this gift from Jacob has shown me that being “good enough” or being “imperfect” may just be the greatest and most perfectly perfect gift you can ever give to a child after all.

#mythreereasonswhy #empathyandkindness #mygreatestloves #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #thegreatestgiftofall #itsoktonotbeok  #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #imperfectlyperfect #youareenough #youarenotalone 

A Boy And His Mom

My heart is overflowing tonight. There are no words to describe how I am feeling right now.

This is Jacob’s latest tattoo that he got yesterday. The picture was originally taken while on a family vacation in Washington D.C nine years ago during the week of his 13th birthday (but he swapped out the Washington Monument for the C.N Tower).

Thank you for this incredibly meaningful and very moving gesture. You are always so full of surprises. 🤗🥰

#imnotcryingyourecrying #soproudofyou #justaboyandhismom #arealmensch #anunbreakablebond #youareenough #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #myfirstborn #piranhatattoo

Taking A Page Out Of My Story

“Then gradually day by day my life began to change. And the mommy I once knew and loved became very sad and strange.” 

This could be any one of our children’s voices. It wasn’t too long ago infact that this was my own children’s voices being echoed after finding themselves scared and unsure while struggling to cope with and understand their feelings as they watched their mother become a stranger in their home.

Covid-19 has added an immense amount of pressures and liabilities on millions of parents and families alike and many more are now finding themselves struggling with their own mental health issues, especially that of Anxiety and Depression.

I’ve said it many times before how my children were the inspiration for writing my book. It was through their strength and resilience that I was able to find a way to share their voices with other children who may also be in need of the comfort in knowing that they are not alone while learning to cope with their own feelings and to understand that they are safe, loved and most of all not to blame for their parent’s illness.

“Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go? is not only a heartwarming story of one family’s journey but it’s also a voice for millions of children everywhere.

To find out how you can get a copy of my book please message me or email me at:  youthareenough@gmail.com 

#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #author #blogger #advocate #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #itsoktonotbeok #familymatters 

High School Graduation…Finally

Just 2 weeks shy of completing her first semester at Ryerson University in Interior Design, Rachel officially graduated from High School tonight!

It may not have been in the traditional way that we had hoped for but we are extremely proud of all of her accomplishments during her time in High School just the same.

*Ontario Scholar
*Specialist High Skills Major~Arts & Culture
*French Academic Certification

#soproudofyou #highschoolgraduatefinally #FU2020 #virtualgraduation #movingforward #resiliency #perservarance #milestones #inthehistorybooks #onwardandupward #youareenough

Sometimes You Just Need A Good Cry

It doesn’t take much to make me cry and today was no exception. I felt a lot of tension and anger and sadness and frustration building up inside of me yesterday which carried over into the wee hours of the night and eventually turned into a full blown self-hating “Party For One” somewhere after midnight. 

Everything in my life right now feels like it’s coming unhinged and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m sitting in my car as I write this, the doors are locked and I’m feeling trapped, without any way to escape.

I can feel the chaos of my life around me and it’s taking over my entire body. I am shaking in fear as the tears begin to well up in my eyes. I find the note in my phone that I wrote to myself late last night during my self-hating “Party For One” and the slow build up of tears quickly turns to a waterfall of emotions. 

I’m even more exhausted now while trying to read my note than I was when I first wrote it late last night and suddenly my eyes have become blurred from all the tears.

I put away my note and try to concentrate on my breathing instead. I can feel my heart palpitations and shakiness start to slow down with every breath I take and soon the tears begin to slow down as well.

Sometimes a good cry is all you need in order to help release your distress, calm yourself down, regulate your emotions and distract you from all the self-hate you have built up in your heart (and thank you to a good friend who happened to call me at just the right moment).

#tearsarehealing #itsalrighttocry #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #blogger #masksoff 

A Thanksgiving Parody

@theholdernessfamily have been a great source of laughter and comfort for me over the last many months.  

Their videos are always so creative, entertaining, nostalgic and often carry with it a strong and meaningful message.

The Holderness family is so relatable to so many of us who are also just desperately trying to survive and navigate their way through day to day life during a Global Pandemic in the best and safest way possible. 

I know we are all missing our loved ones and have had to sacrifice so much this year (and I don’t believe that closing small businesses and retail stores as they have done so in parts of Ontario this week is necessarily the answer but then again do we really know what the right answer is anymore?).

This latest parody video holds a super powerful message and not just for our American friends and family who are busy preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving this week, but for everyone around the Globe who so urgently wants to be with their friends and other family members.

The good news however is that there is an end in sight, so for now lets all do our part to keep each other safe by continuing to socially distance and wear a mask.  

Follow The Holderness Family on Facebook and Instagram; you won’t be disappointed and Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate. 

ENJOY

#staysafe #aerosmith #parody #laughter #laughuntilyoucry #covidfatigue #2020sucks #theholdernessfamily #wereallinthistogether #wearamask #happythanksgiving #youareenough

Monday Motivation

“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval”.

I read this quote somewhere recently (author unknown) and it really resonated with me. At one time or another in our lives we may feel an undying need to seek the approval of others.

What happens next is that we begin to lose ourselves in the process and even though my illness may sometimes leave me yearning for the acceptance of others, I have learned that as I slowly began to take off my mask and courageously show the world my true authentic self I have become more and more able to walk away from relationships that caste judgement on me or who don’t wish to understand me, affording me more room to open my heart up for the people who inspire me everyday to become a better version of myself instead; All the good, the bad, the flawed and even the broken parts.

Leave a ❤ in the comments if this resonates with you too.

#mondaymotivation #authenticity #approval #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #masksoff #healthyboundaries #healingjourney

Sorry I Didn’t Mean To Bother You

In all likelihood if you try calling me there’s a very good chance you’re gonna get my voicemail, that is of course unless you are one of my kids or my husband. They know that unless it’s an emergency, it’s best though to give me a warning signal by sending me a text first. 

I wrote a blog a couple of years ago titled “Call Me, Maybe” where I spoke about how making a phone call can cause me severe anxiety and how much more severe it becomes when my phone rings.

Here it is in case you missed it: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/call-me-maybe  

I much prefer to text, use Facebook messenger or even email with others unless I am in the right frame of mind to chat on the phone at that moment you call or I am prepared ahead of time to do so. 

I welcome texts and messages with wide open arms, I enjoy receiving your emojis and silly GIFs and I especially love the distraction late at night when my mind is spinning out of control. I truly appreciate every time you reach out to me “just because” you are thinking of me or you simply want to chat but much like making or receiving that anxiety provoking phone call, reaching out “just because” to my friends and family via text is just as overwhelming.

Like with most every aspect of my life, my anxiety causes me to worry; ALOT and it also causes me to have severe heart palpitations day in and day out, including when I reach out to others via text message etc just to simply say “hi”; and more often than not it will cause my mind to spin into a downward spiral.

What if I’m bothering them, what if I’m burdening them with my problems, what if they’re too busy to chat, what if they’re tired of hearing my negative thoughts, what if I’m just too exhausting for them, what if I say something wrong or embarrassing, what if they will judge me or what if they simply don’t want to hear from me?

I know that most of these worries and fears are just my anxiety talking down to me yet everytime I go to send someone a text message these thoughts overwhelm me and feel very real in the moment. 

The unknown possibilities are endless as to how someone will react when they receive a message from me and the guilt I feel for not being able to reach out more often is so unbearable at times. 

I know I have lost relationships because of my inability to reciprocate but sadly the deadly combination of having a depressed and anxious mind can do horrifying things to your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence and I’m just so grateful to have an army of people behind me that aren’t keeping score as to who sent the last message. 

#callmemaybe #texting #myarmy #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #checkonyourlovedones #depression #anxiety 

Words of Encouragement

Waking up to this beautiful note this morning on Facebook messenger is a very illuminating reminder to me as to why I continue to write about and share my story with you.

Every time I receive personal messages like this one from friends (new or old), acquaintances and even strangers alike it gives me the strength and courage to keep doing what I do in order to help end the stigma and it further validates for me just how important it is to be completely honest with yourself about your own struggles and to be as open as possible with others as well.

I’ve said it many, many, many times before but if sharing my story as openly and honestly as I can will help make a difference in someone else’s life, will impact someone else’s journey in a positive light or will start a difficult conversation with a loved one then I will continue to do so.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Laurie for taking the time to reach out to me today, it truly meant so much.

I can still so clearly remember the day you trusted in me and shared with such raw emotions the story of your brother’s suicide and even though it was only about 13 years ago it wasn’t a conversation I had ever had before with anyone.

Society and stigma have come a long way since you lost your beautiful brother 18 years ago but there is still so much work to be done and I truly appreciate your kindness and support and wanted to share your words in hopes that someone else reading this today will find their inner strength to keep the conversation going.

#youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #endthestigmatogether #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #advocate #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #suicideprevention

You’ll always be my babies ❤

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been” ~ Mark Twain

#youareenough #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #tbthursday