Author: Kim Fluxgold

#ijustwanttorunaway #mentalhealth #physicalhealth

**Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicidal ideations** 


I got a job offer this week. Yay me! (This isn’t the end of the story though)


2022 has really taken a beating on me and my family, like as if life hadn’t already been messy enough before. Accepting the job offer will help lift some of the burden off my family, but certainly not all of it. I should be off celebrating right now but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do so quite yet, in fact, as soon as I hung up the phone call the other morning letting me know that I got the job, the first call I made immediately following wasn’t to Rich or to my kids or even to a friend; instead, my first call was to my Therapist! 


I haven’t held a full-time job for close to  nine years now, not since I walked out on my last job on April 4th 2014. It was the day my journey first began; the day my life as I once knew it changed forever (for anyone who doesn’t know my back story as to how I broke that day, please check out the blog I wrote a few years ago explaining it in detail; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/). 


The irony of my story is that I actually worked for this same organization about fifteen years ago from 2006 to 2009, a big chunk of it being in this exact position. I really enjoyed it because I love making connections with people which is a large part of this job. I thrived at the challenges and if I’m being honest, I think I was pretty good at it too. The energy in the office was amazing. I worked with an awesome team of like-minded ladies; none of whom still work there (and the office location itself has also moved since then too) but I am still very close with one of my old collegues; in fact when I first saw the job posting I texted her, half jokingly and asked if I should apply. She immediately replied back “yes!”. I was still quite hesitant though even if in my heart I knew I would be the perfect candidate for the job. Well, sorta…

You see, all week long, knowing there was a good probability that a job offer was coming my way, instead of being excited and proud of myself, I spiraled; boy did I ever spiral. My mind quickly filled with self-doubt, negative self-talk and yes, even thoughts of suicide. My very depressed, very anxious and extremely overwhelmed and vulnerable mind truly believes that all I am doing is setting myself up for failure and in turn becoming an even bigger disappointment and burden to my family. 


To say that lots has changed in my life since I last worked here would be an understatement. I mean, for starters; social media barely existed, smart phones weren’t all that smart and technology in general was no where it is today. I had 3 young kids at the time who are all in their 20’s now. I was happy and I was healthy and so were they. There was no internal struggle as to how I would manage to get out of bed each morning and drive to work on time and I most definitely wasn’t having to balance a full-time job while trying to manage the state that my mental health is in today, let alone all the neurological issues I’m now living with every single day. I can barely sit in one place for very long anymore which makes it difficult to focus at times. I have become so beyond sensitive to every noise or gentle touch that I hear or feel, my brain zaps on and off throughout the day, my eyes are out of focus, especially when I’m exhausted (which is often), my hands and feet feel tingly and numb and shaky for a good portion of my day and I am constantly twitching and having spontaneous and unrelenting spasms in my body day and night. I’m now also having to juggle several different appointments all at once lately while trying to somehow “fix” all of my physical issues, and continue to work through my mental health ones at the same time. Continuing to focus on both these areas of my life right now still need to somehow be my top priority, no matter what. I know many may think or feel that maybe having a job to go to everyday will be a good distraction for me but unfortunately, distraction or not, it will not miraculously wipe away all of my mental and physical health issues; which at this very moment I’m actually more fearful could make them worse. But do not fear because you are talking to someone who is the Queen of wearing a “mask” in most social settings, smiling through her depression and has mastered the art of how to “fake it til I make it”.


A healthy distraction for me will be ensuring that I continue to also make time for what has truly become my greatest passion in life over the last 5 or 6 years because no matter what, it’s my advocacy work, speaking engagements, my latest mental health awareness initiative @agentlereminderproject (which has been keeping me quite busy lately) and my blogging that make me feel like I have purpose in this world and the best part about my new job is that there will be opportunity for me to showcase my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” to a very broad and diverse new audience.

So to whoever once said, “you can’t go home again” may not be true at all, although, only time will tell but when I got to meet my new team earlier in the week, before I even knew I’d be hired (but by then my gut was telling me I would be) I felt a very similar vibe to the team I’d worked so closely with all those years ago. The staff may all be new, technology well advanced and the location different from before but from the moment I walked through the door the other day the energy felt right. I was made to feel like I was home again and hopefully just like the old saying goes, “its just like riding a bike, once you learn how to do it you can never forget!”


#newjob #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #worthy #justlikeridingabike #overwhelmed #youvegotthis #suicidalideations #yousuck2022
#blogger #writer #author #advocate #wheredidmommyssmilego #nervoussystem #physicalhealth #therapy 



 

This will forever be one of my proudest, most memorable, most meaningful days of my entire life having the opportunity to share one of my biggest and most purposeful accomplishments of my life on such an amazing platform.
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#nationaltalkshow #themorningshow #globaltv #parentingplaybook #goals #dreams #wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #author #writer #blogger #mentalhealth #startaconversation #depression

Last June I attended a holistic and spiritual healing group run by a dear friend of mine.

Last night I had the pleasure of attending another session. Unfortunately for me, my nervous system was on “red” alert all evening, making it very difficult to sit still or stay focused at times and I found myself getting quite emotional as one by one, the lovely group of women in attendance shared their stories. My emotions grew deeper with each share and by the time it got to my turn I could barely get the words out. 

Like in June, we each started off the evening by picking two random cards from a deck of spiritual cards. One card with a word written on it, the other, a picture. We were to use the combination of the two cards together as part of our share, giving our own interpretation as to how they connect to our journey. I had a really hard time doing this the last time (see blog; https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/oh-monday-motivation/). My word had been “disgrace” and my picture was that of some silly faced clown. This time around I picked the word “slave” which I easily interpreted as me feeling as though I have been a slave to my disease for the past 8 plus years but if you can believe it, somehow, in that big, shuffled up deck of cards, I blindly chose the exact same picture card again. What are the odds of this actually happening? It’s gotta mean something, right?? I mean, what could this silly faced clown really be trying to tell me??

We ended the evening with a beautiful guided drum meditation and spiritual circle. It was both impactful and empowering.

#healing #thehealingcooperative #spirituality #holistic #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #clownface #makingconnections #nervoussystem #sharingstories #myjourney 

(Click to watch video) https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cl7IyYLpdOF/?igshid=NTFlZDUzZmM=

I recently learned a very beneficial technique which can have many great health benefits for our body; simply by rolling a tennis ball back and forth under your feet for like 30 seconds at a time while practicing your breathwork. 

It’s definitely an easy DYI technique I can do. It’s great for mindfulness practice and relaxation by stimulating the pressure points in your feet which are proven to help calm your nervous system, relieve stress or pain, decrease anxiety, improve your circulation and even help support better sleep habits just before bedtime. 

A foot massage by your partner can also work wonders…or at least that’s what I’ve heard!

#footmassage #tennisballs #mindfulness #breathwork #relaxation #massage #healthbenefits #circulation #ourbody #ournervoussystem #diy #pressurepoints #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #anxiety #depression #stress #pain #sleep #rollingrollingrolling

I had an appointment yesterday with my wonderful pelvic floor specialist Julie. Midway through our session I started to get very emotional. It had nothing at all to do with the appointment itself but suddenly as I was lying there, feeling helpless and vulnerable, something triggered me. Before I knew it, my emotions quickly turned to anger.

I began to see myself in a series of flashback pictures to the person I once was almost nine years ago. I miss her confidence and the brightness in her eyes. 

As the negative thoughts were swirling around in my head I wondered how my life had come to this moment. How did I end up here? Why has my journey been so bloody long and hard? And why does it feel like it will never end?

Life seemed pretty good before April of 2014. I was happy. Then everything changed in a split second and I was not prepared. 

The truth is though, nothing or nobody could ever have truly prepared me for what was to come and that at least I can say I have tried the best I know how to ever since; in my heart I know that has to be enough. Someone said to me recently, something that I need to keep reminding myself of daily is, that as unprepared as I felt, I have somehow found the strength to survive 100 percent of my worst days so far and that I’m still here after all of it and for that I should be most proud.

If you are reading this and you too have found the strength to survive 100 percent of your worst days so far as well, I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you too for not every moment in life is meant to be savored, some are just meant to be survived!

#selfcare #angerturnedinward #unprepared #selfie #imasurvivor #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #myjourney #beproud #iamenough #iamnotalone #agentlereminder #pelvicfloorphysio #physio #nervoussystem #pgad #triggers  #mentalhealth

I’m not one to usually pray but ever since a chance encounter with a wonderful, kindhearted older gentleman several months ago (see blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/06/17/bitachon-hebrew-trust-in-god/) who taught me to put my trust in God (Bitachon), I have not been able to get his words out of my head and I’ve tried really hard to embrace the strength of God and the power of prayer.

People turn to prayer or help from a higher power for many different reasons and in a variety of situations; oftentimes it’s when we are experiencing negative feelings, such as anger, grief or fear and other times it’s when we feel as though something is so far out of our control. 

Prayer can bring comfort and gratitude to us in these moments as well as a sense of calm or even be a good distraction from stress and loneliness. It can help us see a different perspective on a situation or may be a perfect time for reflection. 

Prayer can also feel very encouraging when we build connections and receive support from others in their prayers as well, so tonight I am humbly looking to others for the power of prayer for me and my family 🙏.

#prayers #ingodwetrust #bitachon #keepingothersinyourprayers #connection #support #thepowerofprayer #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktoaskforhelp #youarenotalone #youareenough #strengthofgod #higherpower #comfort #gratitude #reflection #goodvibes

Trigger Warning ⚠️ talk of anti-anxiety medications, addiction 

I recently watched the new Netflix Documentary called “Take Your Pills: Xanax”. 

Boy did it ever resonate with me and boy did I ever see a piece of myself in every single personal account given by the very diverse group of individuals being interviewed throughout the Documentary who are either currently using Xanax to treat their anxiety and/or panic disorders or have used it in the past (there were several mental health experts featured throughout the film as well). 

I should probably start off by saying that I have never actually been prescribed Xanax before; but it hasn’t been for a lack of not trying though. 

Xanax is a fast acting anti-anxiety medication and falls under the category of Benzodiazepine drugs, which is the same category you will find Ativan and Valium in; both of which I have a long history with. All of which are only meant to be used on a short term basis and are known to be highly addictive and very dangerous if misused (Ativan and Valium are considered to be slower releasing drugs than Xanax but last longer in your system). 

I know first hand how dangerous and addictive these drugs can be.

Although Xanax is considered to be the most popular of all the anti-anxiety medications prescribed because of it’s fast acting release (I’m pretty certain that every “Real Housewife” and Reality TV star takes it!), it is not so commonly prescribed in Canada and by the time I started asking about it for myself, I’d already been banned by every Doctor, Psychiatrist and Hospital in Ontario from being prescribed Benzodiazepines after I had become highly addicted to Ativan several years ago. 

Unfortunately with many of these types of drugs in particular it is very easy for an individual to build up a quick tolerance to them which seems to be a common theme for me when taking Benzodiazepines as well as sleeping pills. So what happens next is that within days of taking them I stop feeling its effects and my body begins to crave more and more in order for them to take affect which is exactly how I easily became addicted to Ativan; something I have spoken very openly about before. 

It started slowly, I’d take two, instead of one before bed but by the time I fessed up to why I was completely numb to the world around me, slurring my speech or unable to complete my thoughts and that my kids had begun complaining to Rich about my ability to drive I was now taking about 10 pills at once, all during the day by now. I’d been hoarding bottles of Ativan from my Doctor, my Psychiatrist at the time and other inpatient treatment facilities and emergency room visits. I had 100’s of them in my possession and nobody knew, not even Rich. It was being handed out to me like candy, like my own personal stash of Halloween candy; you know, like the ones you keep in a secret drawer, out of reach from the kids and eat when no one is watching; but that was the problem, no one was watching. 

And then the fun really started when my Psychiatrist had to wean me off it. No one tells you about that part and the dangers that can be associated with tapering off these types of drugs which is shown in detail throughout the Documentary. It must be done very slowly and with extreme caution. It was fucking hell. The withdrawal is brutal. 

A few months ago my Psychiatrist decided to let me try taking Ativan again to see if it could help curb some of my symptoms I’ve been dealing with, ya know, since the clinical trial. Rich has been the keeper of any meds that come into our home since the whole Ativan debacle. He hides them, and gives them to me when needed, but the thing is, I quickly built up that tolerance once again where one pill does literally nothing for me. I felt that craving for more come over me again about a month or so ago, I started to have flashbacks to that time I began consuming 10 or more a day and how great that numbness felt to me and so I made the decision to stop taking them anymore because I know if there’s a will, there’s a way and I don’t want to go down that road ever again; like I don’t already have enough issues to contend with in my life right now!

The Documentary was really informative and as I mentioned above, it really resonated with me. It reiterated to me just how easily attainable these drugs are to the general population by healthcare providers and how dangerous taking Benzodiazepines can be if not monitored properly. I’m glad I watched it knowing that I’m not alone.

#antianxiety #Benzodiazepines #Ativan #Xanax #Valium #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #anxiety #youarenotalone #itsoktonitbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #documentary #takeyourpillsxanax #youareenough 

Over the last many days I have seen a large number of my Canadian Facebook friends posting a very important message to their personal pages to inform their followers about the new 9-8-8 three digit suicide prevention and mental health crisis lifeline and asking everyone to help spread the word. 

It makes me sooooo happy to see just how many people are sharing this very important information and starting many important conversations by doing so. Unfortunately though this new 3 digit crisis line is not yet available in Canada. 

It began as a pilot project in the States this past July and as I shared in a very recent blog that in the short time this new platform has been available, statistics have shown that there has been a 40 percent increase in the amount of callers. So it’s proven to work, only needing to dial (or text) 3 digits when in crisis as opposed to having to remember a 10 digit 1-800 number can be lifesaving to someone in need of immediate aid or intervention. 

From what I have read, they are hoping that by November of 2023 Canadians will also have access to the same number, of course much of this depends on how much government funding and resources this project receives to ensure it can run efficiently 24/7. The other major issue that still needs to be worked out is that not all areas in Canada have 10 digit phone numbers and that some of these areas already use 988 as their first 3 numbers so they are still months away from working out all these kinks before the number can be used for its intended purpose.

Either way, thank you to everyone who have been sharing this message with their friends and helping to continue these much needed conversations talking about mental health. I look forward to the day this new and very effective pilot project makes its way across the border.

In the meantime you can still dial 1.833.456.4566 if you or someone you love needs someone to talk to. 

#988 #suicideprevention #mentalhealth #crisisline #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #itsoktoaskforhelp #ohcanada #bordercrossing #pilotproject

It’s been a really busy week expressing and filling my creative soul with love and spreading it throughout the community. 

Whenever I am using my creative energy it ignites a magical spark inside of me. It causes me to take pause, giving way to a flurry of inspiration, passion and purpose which I just want to share with the world. 

Creative energy means self-care, self-expression, healing, outward focus and validation to me. What does creative energy mean for you? 

If you would like to share some of my creative energy with your loved ones please feel free to message me to order your very own handmade, one-of-a-kind pouches from @gentlereminderproject and help spread some positive affirmations and holiday cheer around.

Great gift for teachers, collegues, loved ones, stocking stuffers, secret Santa’s or use them to stash all your yummy Chanukah gelt and dreidels in!! 

#iam #beautiful #loved #enough #confident #strong #perfectlyimperfect #affirmations #agentlereminder #pouches #creativeenergy #validation #outwardfocus #selfcare #healing #selfexpression #mentalhealth #passion #purpose