Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
My to-do-list is overwhelming me today. Often when we are overwhelmed and anxious and our to-do-list feels like it’s just too much to tackle all at once we get nothing done.
I saw this exercise somewhere recently so I thought I’d give it a try.
Next time you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious by all the things on your to-do-list take a bunch of markers and throw them in the air, but before you do, choose one colour to focus on catching instead of trying to catch as many as you can all at once. It’s always best to try and focus in on one step at a time.
What colour will you choose to focus on? I chose the yellow marker.
Dammit 2023, you promised me. You swore you were different from your predecessors. You made me believe in you. I had high hopes that we were going to be friends.
But you couldn’t wait, could you? Nope. Not even until the holiday weekend was over before you showed me your true self. I thought I was in a time warp last night which took me back to that exact same calendar day, January 2nd, three years ago; the year was 2020. I’d woken up early that morning to get ready for an appointment when a panic attack came over me and the next thing I remember was crawling upstairs to my bed after fainting 4 times in a matter of 10 minutes. It left me battered, bruised and with a concussion for the next several weeks. A visit to the emerg followed.
Last night, I was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, still experiencing an unbearable flare-up from the day before and having intermittent pain in my right arm and leg all day. I was also very anxious about the start of another work week ahead so I asked Rich for a sleeping pill, hoping to get a few hours of sleep. We had just finished up from dinner when he gave it to me (they are safely hidden out of my reach). He was getting ready to take my mother-in-law home after she’d spent the evening with us enjoying some quality time with her grandkids (although one was at work!).
It was about 8 pm by now but I knew from experience it would take, at minimum, a couple of hours until the sleeping pill would take full affect. However that was not the case last night and within minutes of swallowing the sleeping pill, a pill which I have taken at least a hundred times before, 2023 came at me with a vengeance. Suddenly, as I sat at the kitchen table, a numbness and feeling of weakness took over my body. I began slurring my words, I had trouble speaking or finishing a sentence, my legs were too shaky to walk and left me feeling off-balance and confused.
At first it almost felt laughable as my family looked on in fear. I promised them I was ok and they could resume what they were doing which also included Rich leaving to take his mom home and Hannah heading out to meet a friend.
In all actuality I was not ok and quite scared as I crawled my way upstairs and into bed (just like I’d done 3 years earlier on the exact same day). I tried texting a friend back while I was lying down. I’d been speaking with her just before I took the pill. I told her what was happening but my texts were incoherent and knowing that Rich wasn’t home she reached out to Jacob who came upstairs to wait with me until Rich came back and took me to the hospital. My symptoms mimicked that of a stroke victim and once the triage nurse finished performing several exercises on me that you would with someone experiencing a stroke, he immediatley moved me through to a room after putting me in a wheelchair and calling for back-up when I’d failed several of the exercises.
I still spent 6 hours in emerg after been triaged ahead of others and it still took hours to see a doctor who basically ordered a few blood tests and an ECG. As I waited for the test results the worst of it was behind me, the affects from the pill started to slowly wear off. Before I was released I was given an Advil for the pain in my arm and leg, told never to take the pills again and my favourite, follow up with the Dr. who prescribed them!
I’m still feeling a bit off-balance today and after getting home at 4am and crawling into bed you would have thought I would have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. No such luck. I slept a total of one hour before having to get up to go to work for 8 hours today, my eyes out of focus, my mind racing and my body feeling exhausted and weak but the overpowering guilt of calling in sick on my third week of work felt worse.
Thanks 2023, I hope you’re happy, you are already proving to be just like the rest of them!
Rich and I went to see a movie yesterday afternoon. It was the first time we’d been to a theater since the summer of 2019 where we’d gone to see the live action remake of Aladdin; a perfect choice for us given that our wedding song happens to have been “A Whole New World” from the original animated movie. Who knew it’d end up being the last movie we’d go to for the next three and a half years.
In our early years of dating and then eventually marriage, Rich and I would go to the movies, almost weekly, especially during the era of “Toonie Tuesdays”; Christmas day was also a no-brainer for us where we would often do a double feature.
We met back in 1990 while working together at a popular videostore (I’ve said it many times before but for those who don’t know, Rich was my Manager!). We loved movies (also why we chose our wedding song from a movie). Movies bonded us right from the moment we met (and for the next 20 plus years when Rich went on to work in the home entertainment industry our home would always be overflowing with VHS cassette tapes and DVD’s from every genre of film; at one time we probably had 1000’s). But eventually, a few years after we married, kids and other commitments came along, making it more difficult for us to break free from reality and escape any time we felt like it into a world of make-believe at the theater (those VHS tapes and DVD’s certainly came in handy).
And then, by 2014, just as we were starting to enter a new phase of our lives where our kids were now old enough to stay home by themselves (well, 2 of them at least) and we no longer needed to book a babysitter in advance so that we could enjoy a date night (or a lazy Sunday afternoon), my illness erupted, posing a whole new set of obstacles for me, and in turn for Rich too; going to a movie theater being one of them. I lost interest in going to the movies and found (and still find) that movie theaters can be way too triggering for me and often fill me with such anxiety, taking my mind to a very dark and dismal place, instead of a place to escape reality and entertain me. So Rich, who still really enjoyed going to see movies, would take a kid instead (he’s also no stranger to going by himself from time to time). Sometimes I’d tag along if it was a “light, brainless movie”, but it’s been very few and far between.
Lots has changed since the last time we went to a movie together (besides the obvious), just the two of us; three and a half years ago while the girls were away at camp (no clue exactly where Jacob was at the time) so when Rich received a Cineplex gift card from friends of ours for his birthday knowing how much he enjoyed going to the movies, he immediately had the perfect movie in mind, and even though it wasn’t to be released for another 7 weeks following his birthday, he knew it would also be an enticing way to get me back into the theater after so long and well worth the wait. Yesterday that wait was finally over and it seemed like a perfectly, uneventful, rainy, New Year’s Day afternoon to use his gift card.
There was a level of excitement brewing inside of me yesterday morning as I prepared myself to go to the theater after a quiet New Year’s Eve spent at home with some friends the night before. I was especially looking forward to sharing a big tub of movie popcorn smothered in butter with Rich (during the Pandemic my kids would often Uber Eats theater popcorn to our house; fun times LOL). But at the same time I was also quite nervous as I had hardly slept the night before, my anxiety was also brewing, tears were gearing up for the sound of music and to make matters even worse I’d been experiencing one of the worst, most unrelenting and unbearable flare-ups I’d felt in days from all my neurological issues (happy f*@*ing new year to me). I second guessed my decision and wasn’t quite sure that a very loud, darkened theater where I’d have to sit for over two hours was really the smartest move for me but I went anyways because well, the popcorn was calling my name and I LOVED Whitney Houston.
Her sudden death due to her addiction to drugs back in 2012 was such a tragic loss to the music world and fans like me. I still believe to this day that she probably had the greatest, most breathtaking voice of all time (tied with Celine Dion). I remember how excited I was the first time I got to see her in concert with some friends in the early 90’s at the CNE’s Exhibition Stadium (I’d spent the day with Rich at the Ex playing games and eating lots of food and then I met up with my friends afterwards to go see her in concert).
The movie did not disappoint and although I was exhausted, filled with anxiety, brain zaps and heart palpitations, tears flowing a mere ten minutes into the start of the film when Whitney (played by the fabulous Naomi Ackie) began singing her hit song “The Greatest Love of All”, I was restless and unable to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time due to my unbearable flare-up I was having (which has not relented for a good 24 hours now) and even though I also needed to muffle the loud and very amplified sounds echoing through the speakers around the theater by covering my ears throughout most of the movie, I really am proud of myself for going, for stepping outside my comfort zone (this is my life as I know it now) and for having the opportunity to see it on the big screen after a very lengthy hiatus!
I only wish there’d been a different ending to your story Whitney. You were such a beautiful soul who was surrounded by genuine love and people who truly cared about your wellbeing (sadly not everyone though). You had sold-out stadiums filled with people cheering you on, fighting along side you, wanting to see you continue to thrive and beat your battle with addiction. Unfortunately though, over time, your disease slowly took hold of your mind and body, controlling your every move and pushing those who genuinely loved and truly cared about you further away. The demons you were up against near the end of your life were so powerful and no longer allowed you to see your self-worth, or just how much more you still had left in you to offer to the world.
“I will always love you” Whitney Houston (The Bodyguard)
*if you or someone you know is battling with an addiction, help is available. You are not alone.
Describe what you wish to changeDig deep. What are some limiting beliefs you may have in this area? What about your mindset is holding you back?Reframe this limiting belief and write an empowering affirmation for each area. Write what you wish to experience in each area.
Yesterday afternoon I spent some quiet time readying myself for the new year by filling out the first 10 or so pages of my book; reflecting on my experiences in 2022, my accomplishments and where I hope to see myself in one year from today. This book offers me a safe space to set meaningful intentions, manifest my hopes and dreams, visualize my goals, embrace my emotions, create affirmations, prioritize my self-care and continue to focus on gratitude throughout the coming year.
List of things you’re proud of yourself for already doing
It was an emotional awakening for me as I wrote down some very personal thoughts, many of which I have never shared publicly, some I’ve never shared with anyone (I left many of those pages out in the pics I attatched) and given where my mindset and beliefs are at in the present moment after coming out off a year I described just days ago in my blog as the hardest/ toughest/ cruelest year of my life ever, it’s easy to see how this exercise brought up many unwanted feelings for me. (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/12/30/highlight-reel-its-been-a-year/).
Ideal life in present tense. Manifest it.
As 2022 comes to a close I am leaving behind toxic relationships in my life and those that no longer serve me well. I’m also leaving behind my constant need to please everyone, my fear of failure and hopefully the awful way in which I talk to myself. Instead I will try to focus on the things I want to do more of in 2023 like creating opportunities that fill me with purpose and passion, more hiking excursions and #summerofrich adventures, laughter, writing and most of all, learning how to love myself.
Day one of 2023
What do you want to do MORE of in 2023?
What do you no longer have space for in your life and want to leave behind in 2022?
Ok, so the verdict is in and it’s unanimous, 2022 has by far been the hardest/cruelest/toughest year of my life emotionally, physically and personally yet somehow I made it through and so too has my family. In some ways this year has made us stronger but in many other ways, it’s nearly torn us apart.
When I reflect back on the highlight reel of this past year in particular it makes me want to scream and cry even more. I question myself daily as to how did I actually make it through or how will I ever overcome all this and then there’s that million dollar question; what the heck am I still doing here?
To be honest, I don’t have any answers right now. All I am focused on at this very moment is how much I really truly dread this time of year. It’s the time of year where most people look at it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a time to set big goals and New Year’s resolutions; something I vowed never to do again several years ago (see Blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2017/12/14/new-years-resolutions-when-suffering-with-depression/). I learned long ago not to make promises to myself I know I can’t keep (can you spell D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R?)! Instead I’ve tried making smaller, more attainable goals each day which is a far more effective way to create progress in your life; rather than taking one giant leap head first (as someone battling major depression and severe anxiety, my goals some days may seem very trivial to some but to me they are huge!).
So as the clock quickly counts down to the start of 2023 I’m also feeling the pressure mounting inside my head and from society too that with the onset of any new calendar year comes the belief that 2023 (or 2022, or 2021 or 2020 or 2019 or 2018 or 2017 or 2016 or 2015; you catch my drift, right?) will be “my year” and that things are going to only get better from here. Trust me when I say, that’s a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to, let alone someone whose brain is still trying to figure out the answers to the questions I mentioned above. Sadly, a new year does not equate to someone’s mental health challenges magically disappearing and as you can see by my track record for almost a decade now, it’s hard to even imagine.
I plan on taking baby steps into the new year as I continue tredding on very thin ice right now and desperately trying not to fall through its cracks. 2022 has undeniably been the hardest/cruelest/toughest year of my life so as I head into the new year I will begin by seeking out the answers as to what can go right in my life as opposed to what more can go wrong. I will continue to show my vulnerability to the world and I will continue to focus on my purpose, lead with kindness and reflect on all the amazing gifts I have to offer others.
2022 may have won this battle, but at least for now it hasn’t won the war. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. I’ve put up a pretty good fight this year and maybe that and that alone should be the highlight of my year.
Thank you again for continuing to come along with me on this crazy ride. And to all the extra-special people in my life, thank you for always listening without judgment, helping me (and my family) without conditions, respecting my boundaries, understanding with empathy and loving me no matter what, even when I don’t feel so lovable.
Wishing everyone love, light and a peaceful new year.
Go ahead and reach out to someone who has genuinely made your year more fulfilling, inspired you in some small way or changed your life for the better in 2022 (it doesn’t have to be just 1 person!).
Thank you to everyone who has continued to support me on my journey this past year. It has meant the world to me. Having you in my life makes this journey a whole lot less lonely. I am forever grateful and truly blessed.
I had a really wonderful couple of days away at our friend’s cottage and so grateful for it. Many of you saw the abundance of pics I posted to my social media pages to prove it, and besides, how could I not have loved every moment of it knowing I was safe in the arms of my precious family and friends; friends who we met by chance over 20 years ago when our youngest were just a few days old, (they are 3 days apart in age). Friends who have since become our chosen family.
We all have such fond memories from our trips to the cottage, which have taken place twice a year (once in the summer and once in the winter) for a majority of these years. Our kids have become more than just “family” friends to one another. Over the years, they have become each other’s confidants, created their own private group chat which they use often and consider one another to be more like brothers and sisters; minus all the sibling rivalry bullsh*t.
The time we spend together feels easy.
But still, my illness is always present, even if others don’t see it. It was present in the days leading up to going to the cottage, it was present while enjoying quality time with my family and friends at the cottage and it was present just after we cleaned up from our delicious taco dinner our gracious hostess made for us last night when I began to crash. A flood of emotions filled me up inside and out. I’d reached my limit. I was in sensory overload and my brain overstimulated. The noise, the happy chaos, the overstimulation and too much stimuli had taken its toll on both my body and mind.
The negative self-talk escalated. The rumination began. I felt unlovable and worthless. An immediate fight or flight response overwhelmed me and I needed to escape the noise and happy chaos and even the abundance of laughter happening so I quickly retreated to my room before a full on panic attack ensued and the tears began to flow. It’s the type of noise and chaos everyone longs for in their lives and the laughter we all dream of (like on Christmas morning when the kids excitedly wake up before dawn to open their presents and even though we don’t actually celebrate it I’ve always envied it) but sadly my illness and now my many present day and unrelenting physical health issues no longer allow room for me to truly ever escape my body or mind to just be in the joy of the moment for too long.
I think if the last week has proven anything, between trying to get used to a working environment where the sounds of chatter in my ear all day and telephones always ringing are triggers to me, and our cottage getaway where happy chaos ran amuck it’s that I may need to start walking through life wearing noise cancelling headphones in order to allow my body and mind the space and safety they need to calm me down, that is, if I ever wanna give myself a fighting chance to be able to stay present in these moments which so many others get to take for granted.
***the pic I attatched of all the kids was taken at the cottage back in 2006 and again last summer when they tried to replicate the original photo. Life has sure changed alot since the first photo was taken but I am blessed in the belief that some things never will 🤗.
My wish for the new year is that everyone reading this have happy chaos and laughter surrounding them always.
YouAreEnough 
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