Ok, so the verdict is in and it’s unanimous, 2022 has by far been the hardest/cruelest/toughest year of my life emotionally, physically and personally yet somehow I made it through and so too has my family. In some ways this year has made us stronger but in many other ways, it’s nearly torn us apart.
When I reflect back on the highlight reel of this past year in particular it makes me want to scream and cry even more. I question myself daily as to how did I actually make it through or how will I ever overcome all this and then there’s that million dollar question; what the heck am I still doing here?
To be honest, I don’t have any answers right now. All I am focused on at this very moment is how much I really truly dread this time of year. It’s the time of year where most people look at it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a time to set big goals and New Year’s resolutions; something I vowed never to do again several years ago (see Blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2017/12/14/new-years-resolutions-when-suffering-with-depression/). I learned long ago not to make promises to myself I know I can’t keep (can you spell D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R?)! Instead I’ve tried making smaller, more attainable goals each day which is a far more effective way to create progress in your life; rather than taking one giant leap head first (as someone battling major depression and severe anxiety, my goals some days may seem very trivial to some but to me they are huge!).
So as the clock quickly counts down to the start of 2023 I’m also feeling the pressure mounting inside my head and from society too that with the onset of any new calendar year comes the belief that 2023 (or 2022, or 2021 or 2020 or 2019 or 2018 or 2017 or 2016 or 2015; you catch my drift, right?) will be “my year” and that things are going to only get better from here. Trust me when I say, that’s a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to, let alone someone whose brain is still trying to figure out the answers to the questions I mentioned above. Sadly, a new year does not equate to someone’s mental health challenges magically disappearing and as you can see by my track record for almost a decade now, it’s hard to even imagine.
I plan on taking baby steps into the new year as I continue tredding on very thin ice right now and desperately trying not to fall through its cracks. 2022 has undeniably been the hardest/cruelest/toughest year of my life so as I head into the new year I will begin by seeking out the answers as to what can go right in my life as opposed to what more can go wrong. I will continue to show my vulnerability to the world and I will continue to focus on my purpose, lead with kindness and reflect on all the amazing gifts I have to offer others.
2022 may have won this battle, but at least for now it hasn’t won the war. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. I’ve put up a pretty good fight this year and maybe that and that alone should be the highlight of my year.
Thank you again for continuing to come along with me on this crazy ride. And to all the extra-special people in my life, thank you for always listening without judgment, helping me (and my family) without conditions, respecting my boundaries, understanding with empathy and loving me no matter what, even when I don’t feel so lovable.
Wishing everyone love, light and a peaceful new year.
Check out my highlight reel here: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1237028323896967?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9
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