Author: Kim Fluxgold

This is how my Monday morning started. Slipped on a sheet of ice on my driveway before heading to drop my daughter at the train on my way to work.

With my mental and physical state being as fragile and depleted as they both are at the moment, this did not feel like a good sign to start the week.

#mentalhealth #sheetofice #fragile #breathe #depleted #calmingthealarmbells #mondaymood #mondaymorning

I took this pic (see attached) about a year ago. It was filled with so much promise at the time. I wanted to capture that moment because in my heart I felt like I was one step closer to finding hope and healing as I prepared for my upcoming clinical research trial. But instead, that said trial just ended up taking another piece of me with it; and boy was it a big one.


Because of what happened to me during my treatment, I have spent close to a year now trying desperately to repair my physical wellbeing; only adding on to everything else I’m already dealing with. Much of it has been a waiting game to see Specialists or Doctors and Neurologists, most of whom continue to pass me off to the next person because they just don’t have the answers. 


But a couple of months ago I was meeting quite regularly with a practitioner named Julie (unfortunately my new work schedule has not afforded me the time to see her lately because she only works twice a week and during my work hours, about 45 mins away from me). In the couple of months I was fortunate enough to meet with her she explored many new ways to help calm my nervous system down (in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/10/06/sounding-the-alarms/). 


She spent much of our time together patiently explaining to me how our nervous system works and how our brains need to repair the wiring in our nervous system so it can heal from the inside out. None of it made very much sense to me at first. I must’ve skipped that day in science class.


But it started to make some sense the more we talked and the more she showed me techniques to incorporate into my daily life and now, after listening to a Podcast earlier this week by @MelRobbins, a highly respected motivational speaker, an expert on change and someone who I admire greatly and follow regularly (and am also currently reading her book “The High 5 Habit”), I had a real AHA moment when she made the connection between how our past traumas trigger the alarm bells to go off in our nervous system; Julie’s teachings came full circle.


Mel, who herself has battled Anxiety, Depression and other Mental Health issues throughout her life speaks candidly in her Podcast about her own past traumas and how each one of us have past traumas in our lives; some bigger than others, some we may never even know we had. She calls them Big T’s and little t’s.


Therapy has really opened my eyes over the past few years and allowed me to see how many of my past memories and traumas there likely were in my life that led to the sudden onset of my Depression and Anxiety diagnosis nearly 9 years ago; some bigger than others, some I never knew I had, but either way, the added layer of trauma that the clinical study has caused me has really made me stand up and listen to those alarm bells going off even more than ever; all desperately needing some serious badass calming.


In her Podcast, Mel discusses 6 things she has been doing regularly over the last few years that have really helped her flip the switch back on to a state of calm (dare to dream). I’ve tried many variations of them over time but the one suggestion of hers I haven’t tried yet has had me intrigued for months now but is also the one thing I fear most because, well, to be honest, I am terrified of the cold.


I can’t go a day lately though without seeing a Tik Tok video of someone or a friend challenging themselves on Facebook to immerse their entire body (right up to their neck) in a tub filled with ice and freezing cold water; doing so for two full minutes and for as many as thirty days in a row. 


“Cold Water Exposure/Therapy” has been proven by science to have incredible health benefits associated with it; from healing after an injury to helping ease muscle soreness and joint pain. It has also been proven to improve your circulation, sleep habits, resilience and your mood which in turn can help calm your nervous system down.

It’s been no secret that lately both my mental and physical health have been spiraling out of my control and a big part of the reason is that my healing process has taken a backseat to my new job; a job which has only added an entirely new layer of stress and overwhelm to my life. My mental state is tredding on very thin ice right now so maybe now would be the perfect time to take a plunge and submerge my body, neck deep into a giant vat of freezing cold water before I completely slip and fall through the ice.


Who here has tried cold water exposure therapy? Would love to hear your thoughts. 


Here is the link to Mel Robbin’s Podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/UGTDf-Sy?sid=ep34_healyourpast


#mentalhealth #treddingonthinice #neckdeep #coldwaterexposure #Podcast #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #pgad #brokencircuit #nervoussystem #alarmbells #calmingthealarmbells #Psilocybin #research #clinicaltrial #restore #taketheplunge #breathein #hopeandhealing #melrobbinspodcast 

I always get a mix of emotions when my Facebook memories show up today. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing all the pictures and reminiscing about one of the best nights of my life 11 years ago (January 28, 2012) when we celebrated the B’nai Mitzvah of Jacob and Hannah with all our family and friends by our side but still I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness and loss when I reflect back on that night either. 


I am not the same person I was then. That person, she’s gone, forever. She vanished into thin air just 2 short years later. I still miss so much about her. 

But six years ago today (January 28, 2017) I was able to recreate a new version of me when I slowly began to let the world in and see all the parts of me I’d kept hidden for so long. By reaching outside my comfort zone, while in the midst of my own storm and sharing my truth, I was able to start helping others see the many depths of depression and anxiety and let those who were suffering like me know that they were not alone.

I wrote and shared my first ever Blog publicly that day. It was six years ago today that my pathway to purpose first began and I have no regrets in doing so, instead I just have purpose.

(Here is a blog I wrote last year on this day discussing how I found my pathway to purpose: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/01/28/the-pathway-to-purpose/).


#pathwaytopurpose #newversionofme #purpose #blogger #childrensbookauthor #writer #mentalhealthadvocate #memories  #mistywatercolouredmemories #youareenough #youarenotalone #startaconversation #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #thenewnorm #comfortzone #wheredidmommyssmilego

I received a phone call the other day from the “Patient Relations” Department in response to my email I’d written days earlier voicing my concerns about how the emergency room Doctor and nurses made me feel amid my mental health crisis the weekend prior to last (In case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/21/i-need-to-be-that-voice/).


The kind woman on the other end of the phone did exactly what I’d wished both the emerg Doctor and nurses had done for me while under their care; she actively listened to me without judgment, she showed compassion and she validated my feelings.


We chatted for about 15 minutes while on my lunch break at work where she collected further information from me and apologized several times for how I was treated (by the police as well). She then told me that with both my lived experience and my passion for mental health advocacy she thought I’d be a great fit for their “Patient Partners Program” and that I should go to their website and submit an application; which I did later that evening. 


The “Patient Partners Program” is made up of community members, including patients, family members of patients and caregivers of patients who work together with their staff and physicians to enhance the care experience from the perspective of the patient, family or caregivers. 


If chosen into the program it will not just allow me to give my feedback but it will allow me to share my story and experiences. It will also allow me to be a voice for every vulnerable individual who walks through their doors, provide insight on opportunities for improvement and change, help educate and guide decisions on care strategies and work with staff from a patient’s perspective. 


Their main goal is to find individuals who are committed and passionate leaders, good listeners, comfortable with sharing their stories, are inclusive, enjoy working with others to develop new ideas, respectful of diversity and supportive of their mission and values. These are all the qualities I try to emulate and strive to achieve in my advocacy work. 


There is no guarantee however that I will be accepted into the program but I’m trying not to let that deter me from the reasons behind me sending those 2 letters in the first place because no matter what happens, I know that everyone’s voice deserves to be heard. 


P.S. I checked my status today on my complaint I also made to the police department. It says it has been reviewed but based on the current backlog they are experiencing it will be assigned to a screening coordinator in about 14 days! Fingers crossed 🤞. 


#letter #advocateforchange #mentalhealth #suicideprevention #treatmentresistantdepression #wealldeserveourvoicestobeheard #bethevoiceofchange #createpositivechange #patientpartnersprogram #patientrelations 

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day in Canada. Yes I know lots of people criticize Bell’s efforts which can be anywhere from “we need more than one day to talk about mental health” (agreed) to “Bell treats their employees like crap” (I’ve never worked there so I cannot comment) but no matter what you may think or say about Bell Media, just remember one thing, they are one of very few, if not the only company I know of that are actually trying to make a difference with their actions to create positive change!


Did you know that one in four people suffer from a mental illness?


Next time you are out and going about your day, wherever it may be you’re at, look around at every 4 people you see; one of them is likely struggling with a mental illness. 


And what’s worse than that, more than 1 in 2 of them aren’t getting the help they need due to long wait times for treatments, fear of judgment and the lack of funding and resources. It’s shameful. 

 
These stats, along with the most recent and shocking stats which shows that children and youth seeking mental health services in Canada have increased over 100 percent in 2022; adults almost 50 percent which are both scary and heartbreaking. But there’s just not enough help to go around.


How can we as a society finally start to find more meaningful action to create positive changes? 


Well, we can start by choosing kindness; be the reason someone smiles today. Help a friend struggling with a mental illness by learning ways in which you can better support them. Get involved or help organize a mental health initiative in your local community, school or workplace. Make self-care a priority. Start a conversation with someone about mental health and help fight the stigma. Share this post and encourage others to do the same!


You never know what another person is truly going through or the impact you may have on someone else’s life.


Let’s all start talking today.


#bellletstalk #createpositivechange #takeaction #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #kindnessisfree #bethereasonsomeonesmilestoday #oneinfour #startaconversation #youareenough #stigmafree #wereallinthistogether #youarenotalone #fearofjudgment #lackoffunding #starttalkingtoday

My kids had this necklace specially made for me for my 50th birthday (see pics) which was in June of 2021. One side of the bar says “You Are Enough” which most of you know by now has become my signature and is even tattooed on my right arm (in my actual signature) as a daily reminder to myself. The other side of the bar reads, Love, J, H & R. 

This has also become one of my most cherished gifts I’ve ever received in my whole life. It was filled with so much love and meaning. 

I never take it off, except to clean it but last Monday afternoon when I returned home from the hospital and was getting ready to take a shower, the chain literally snapped right off my neck. 

It was now broken, just like me. And in that very moment as the tears began to flow again, I felt a sudden surge of panic charge though my veins; and in my most vulnerable of states I asked myself; had I just broke my children too? Had the events of that weekend just caused irreparable damage for my family?

My biggest fears were suddenly coming true in my mind.

There is so much guilt that comes along with feeling so broken while at the same time trying my best to instill values in these 3 humans to love themselves, to know their worth, to feel confident in their own skin and to be kind to others.

It’s really hard to help your kids figure life out sometimes when you can’t even be there for yourself and even the slightest thought that I have failed my kids in any way fills me with so much pain and heartache. 

I feel like I have fallen short of being a mom; a good mom…time and time again and no matter how many times I apologize to them for my shortcomings, the pain and heartache never seem to go away.

But they see me fight, and keep fighting every day of my life to get better, not just for me, but for them too. And that in itself should be enough right now because that in itself has taught my kids so many powerful lessons for which I am grateful. 

Through my brokenness my kids have learned that life isn’t always fair or easy, that siblings should look out for one another, always, that being honest with others and most importantly, with ourselves is so valuable and that it’s okay to get angry or be sad sometimes because all of our mixed up crazy emotions matter.

I’ve taught them that we all have weaknesses, but it’s how we choose to use those weaknesses and find the strength to turn them into something positive that counts and that by serving others is where we will often find the most joy in our lives. 

Today Rich had my necklace fixed. It’s no longer broken. A piece of me had felt like it was missing not having it around my neck. Hopefully now we can all begin to heal together. 

#broken #brokennecklace #healingtogether #mentalhealth #sicknotweak #itsoktofeelyourfeelings #youarenotalone #youareenough #cherishedgifts #values #kindnessmatters #fightingformylife 

Always grateful for everyone’s support both near and far 💜💛💚

For anyone who is new to my page this is my children’s book I published a few years ago.

Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go? takes you on a journey through the eyes of a young girl trying to grasp the difference between sadness and Depression when her Mommy suddenly takes ill. With both patience and comfort her Daddy helps her understand an illness she cannot see and assures her that she is safe, loved and most of all, not to blame for her Mommy’s Depression.

It’s my labour of love.

Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go? aims to teach Parents, Teachers, caregivers and loved ones alike how to help children cope with and understand their feelings when someone they love is suffering with Depression.

If you would like to order a copy feel free to message me or email me at kimfluxgold@gmail.com.

#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #author #blogger #mentalhealthadvocate #Depression #ouryouthmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough #startaconversation #mentalhealth #itsoktoaskforhelp #youarenotalone #labouroflove

Today I went to see my therapist; it was the third time this week. 

That’s a new record for me, not that I’m bragging (lol). I’m also not ashamed of it either. After I tried to attempt to take my own life just 7 days ago I’m pretty sure it’s probably more of a necessity than anything else at this point as I try and deal with the traumatic aftermath of events last weekend and the uncertainty of how to move forward without letting my illness win. 

I am BEYOND blessed to have found my therapist 5 years ago after several years of struggling to find the right fit for me. I know that this is not uncommon and that most people need to try out a few different therapists before they are able to find the one that feels right for them. Trust me, I know it can be a very trying and lonely process. 

Before I got sick I’d never even been to therapy, but have since become a HUGE advocate for it. I believe that everyone can benefit from therapy at one time or another in our lives and although a therapist may not always give you all the answers you are looking for, a good therapist will always help you find them. 

But you have to be ready to commit to setting aside the time and energy needed to invest in therapy and you have to be ready for whatever may come from talking about difficult things.

A gentle reminder…It’s okay to ask for help and although medication can help to reduce some symptoms of mental health conditions for many, the added benefits of therapy will go alot further in gaining insight into or help you to address some hidden causes of your illness that you never knew were there, instead of just masking them. 

For me, going to therapy every week is a really big part of my self-care. I know I am safe when I am speaking with my therapist and that I can share anything with her without feeling judged or stigmatized. 

#therapy #therapists #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #startaconversation #youarenotalone #youareenough #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #dontlettheharddayswin #benefitsoftherapy

*Could be potentially triggering for some*

I never imagined that after nearly nine years of battling a chronic and debilitating mental health disorder that it could get any worse but boy did I prove myself wrong last weekend. I have since spent the better part of my week desperately trying to get my head back above water but I just can’t seem to shake the events of the past week from my mind; they just keep playing over and over again in my head like a recurring nightmare. 

Writing is very therapeutic for me. It helps me to declutter many of the intrusive thoughts in my brain and sort through a lot of my trauma and pain so last night I sat down and began writing. This time though it wasn’t for the public to read or for a page out of my book; this time it was a letter, well actually it was two letters.

The first letter I penned last night was to the York Regional Police, inparticularly to their complaints against Policies and Procedures Department. I wasn’t writing this letter to complain about the officers who came to my home last Sunday evening or who took me to the hospital, infact they were all very respectful and kind towards me and were just following the policies and procedures that they had been trained to do. The problem is, many of these policies and procedures can bring further harm to an already vulnerable individual by isolating them from their loved ones like they did to me, keeping Rich from comforting me or allowing any contact with me at all while they spoke to us both separately or even when they took me away from my home. He was also told not to come to the hospital. People in these situations need an ally and advocate by their side (he came at 7:30 the next morning). 

But worse than that, they then took me outside to their police cruiser (there were 3 cars in total), holding on to my arm as though I was going to try and run (like I could’ve outrun four huge police officers with guns strapped to their belts) and before I got into the police cruiser, they placed handcuffs on me. They apologized to me many times before and after. 

I was not showing any signs of aggressive behaviour, nor had I. I went willingly. 

As I detailed in the blog I wrote a couple of nights ago (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/19/cuffed/), treating a person in a mental health crisis who is showing no signs of aggressive behaviour or acting belligerent or not obliging there should be ZERO reason to place them in handcuffs or treat them like a criminal. The decision should be left up to the discretion of the attending officers. I’ve been down this road before, however this was a first and just further proves to me that there is still so much stigma surrounding mental illness and has left me never wanting to share my vulnerabilities with a loved one ever again for fear of being treated this way, ever again. Silencing an individual who is experiencing active suicidal ideations could have very deadly consequences. 

Again, I don’t blame the police officers one bit for following their policies and procedures. I totally respect them for doing what I believe to be the hardest and most honorable job in the entire universe but I couldn’t stay seated which is why I penned a second letter. 

The second letter was addressed to the “Patient Relations” Department at the local hospital I was taken to where I was made to feel so ashamed of my illness starting with an emergency room doctor who came in to see me moments after I arrived, made no eye contact with me, scribbled quickly on my chart, brushed me off like I was an inconvenience, placed me on a “Form” and disappeared within 2 minutes, never to be seen again. He was not interested in speaking with me at all and just told me a nurse will bring me something to calm me down, which I declined. 

The nurses on shift that night were beyond rude (my main nurse in particular). She was condescending, dismissive and also made me feel so ashamed for having been there. The only thing she and the other nurses were concerned with throughout my stay was taking my blood pressure and temperature every couple of hours; in between their eye rolls and big sighs when I found myself having to beg them for a blanket or even a glass of ice water. 

When someone is lying in an emergency room for a mental health crisis, continuing to check their vitals which had both been completely normal upon my initial intake in triage is absolutely ridiculous. That time could be better spent with a patient who is obviously not physically sick, maybe talking to them, maybe checking on them, maybe asking them how they were doing? They showed not one ounce of compassion, showed no kindness and never even took a moment to ensure I was okay. 

I was scared, felt so alone and was still very traumatized by the events that had taken place earlier that evening in my home. I had told the nurse at one point while desperately trying to advocate for myself that I’d been there several times before (voluntarily) and in that moment by her reaction, if I could read her mind, I can assure you she was thinking to herself “uck…she’s just another crazy mental lunatic”.

It is difficult enough been “Formed” and having both your dignity and every right taken away from you including your belongings and cell phone but then to be treated like I was less than “human” has really made my journey this week that much more difficult knowing how many other vulnerable people are out there being treated the same way.

I completely understand how stressful and difficult a job nurses and doctors have in their profession and how underpaid and overworked many of the nurses are today and the unfathomable situations they face everyday, especially in an overwhelmed emergency room but the treatment I received needs to change and maybe it starts with more compassionate training done for those having to deal with patients experiencing a mental health crisis.

I’m not sure if either of my letters will be taken seriously, make any difference or even be read but I needed to do it for myself and for anyone else who has ever found themselves too afraid to ask for help for fear of the stigma surrounding mental illness, the many stereotypes, the discrimination and the prejudices that follow.

I share my journey with the world because of this, as difficult and often shameful as it may be or sound to others but as a mental health advocate I need to continue to bring awareness to the forefront by sharing my own struggles so long as I’m living to remind others that they are not alone. Being a voice for individuals who suffer with a mental illness brings me purpose and continues to help so many individuals find hope and healing. Educating others about the many depths and challenges we face every day and fighting for change is key to building a stigma-free society one day.

I am going to take this weekend to continue focusing on my self-care and try my best to have as stress-free of a weekend as I possibly can, including trying not to obsess over all the unfinished work I left piled up on my desk at work late yesterday afternoon which will still be waiting for me on Monday morning.

Oh and one last thing, today is “National Hugging Day”. A hug can be one of the most powerful things you can offer someone. Offering a hug to someone feeling hopeless today can be a great first step toward change. 

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthadvocate #beavoiceforchange #selfadvocacy #letterwriting #cathartic #nationalhuggingday #checkonyourlovedones #depression #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #blogger #writer #author #wheredidmommyssmilego #yorkregionpolice #themosthonourableprofession  #policiesandprocedures  #corteluccihospital #mackenziehealthhospital #compassionatetraining 

Trigger Warning ⚠️, talk of suicide, self harm

Sorry in advance for the long post today but I haven’t written in days and I just needed to try and clear my head somewhat. I hope you can take a few minutes to read through it.

It’s been beyond an exhausting week. I’ve stayed away from as many triggers as I possibly can since the start of the week (including social media). Unfortunately though many of the triggers I’m experiencing right now feel so far out of my control; my neurological issues and my new job being just two of them; but 2 HUGE ones among so many others to say the least.

Starting back to a full-time job last month after almost nine years wasn’t supposed to add a boatload more stress to my already overwhelmed life; it was only supposed to help lift some of the burden at home but instead it’s actually made things worse for me. The workload is too much for just one person to handle (even someone with a healthy brain) and there seems to never be enough hours in the day for one person alone to ever catch up. A part of me knows that I am putting way too much undue pressure on myself which just comes along with the territory of living with a mental illness and being a perfectionist.

But I’ve tried to focus as much as I can on my self-care this week while I continue to process everything that happened last weekend. I’ve been left extremely traumatized by the events that took place, especially what ultimately led me to be taken away from my home Sunday evening in handcuffs (in case you missed it; https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/01/16/7017/).

It’s not the first time I’ve dealt with the police during a mental health crisis over the past almost nine years, rode in the back of a police car during a mental health crisis or been held involuntarily in an emergency room for an undisclosed amount of time during a mental health crisis; but Sunday night was most definitely the first time I’d been put in handcuffs during a mental health crisis.

Having a mental illness is NOT a crime but when police get involved in a mental health crisis those lines seem to get blurred. Apparently it has become standard practice for police to now handcuff an individual who is being transported to hospital during a mental health crisis, even if they are not showing signs of aggressive behaviour or go willingly like I did. All it’s actually doing is escalating the situation further as it did for me, making the situation worse and creating an even bigger stigma surrounding mental illness. And let’s not forget your loss of dignity. 

I’ve been in a zombie-like state ever since; feeling sluggish, withdrawn, quick to tears and unable to focus on much of anything, other than the very conflicted and intrusive thoughts that continue to swirl around in my head day and night.

I know I scared the crap out of Rich on Sunday night and he had every right to call the police given my erratic behaviours and psychotic state. I left him very little choice. But knowing that the reprucussions of displaying such erratic behaviours and disclosing your intrusive thoughts to a loved one could result in the police showing up with handcuffs again could likely result in deadly consequences next time for a vulnerable person like myself. Voicing my intrusive thoughts or acting upon my suicidal ideations now comes with an added level of fear of ever being put in a similar situation like that again. How will me being taken to the hospital in the back of a cop car in handcuffs motivate me to ever want to share my vulnerabilities ever again. It’s difficult enough for people struggling with their mental health to find proper treatment but how does treating them more like a criminal than someone who is sick gonna help anyone? 

If I wasn’t already traumatized before, I sure as hell am now. 

All week Iong I’ve received messages from friends and acquaintances alike,  checking in on me daily and telling me how strong and brave I am. How needed and loved I am. How much I’ve helped someone feel less alone or seen as more than just their illness. Please know that I am doing the best I can to hold on to all your love and light for dear life right now ♥️. 

#mentalhealth #handcuffs #police #suicidalideations #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #depression #intrusivethoughts #vulnerability #overwhelmed #grateful #traumatized #triggerwarning #treatmentresistantdepression