Tag: pain

One Hundred Days

It’s been ONE HUNDRED days since I smoked my last cigarette. By my own calculations (I’ve never been great at math) that’s approximately 1200 cigarettes I haven’t smoked and approximately 725 dollars in savings. 

Both are quite significant achievements don’t ya think?  Both are definitely noteworthy right? Then why is it still so hard? Why is it that I just want to smoke one more cigarette even though I can see (and feel) all the incredible benefits from not smoking. And if there is to be a #summerofrich this year (an abridged version would do!!) that means that physically there will be no mountain I cannot climb and just hearing one of my daughters tell me that I am now that much less vulnerable to the risks associated with Covid-19 if I were to (G-d forbid) contract it should be reason enough to never want to smoke another cigarette ever again, but mentally of course, mentally, I hear a much different story in my head.

Cigarettes had become a crutch for me over the last 6 years, a way to release stress, manage an anxiety attack, quiet the thoughts in my head (I never hesitated to step outside at 2am for a cigarette to help “quiet the thoughts” when I couldn’t sleep) or calm the panic but what would happen if I were to give into my triggers or mental cravings right now?

Would it take away the overwhelm or change the situation we are living in or make everything better? Or would it simply just give those nasty, vicious voices dancing around in my head another reason to make me feel like a complete failure and a worthless human being?

So my question is; if timing is everything then was my choice to quit smoking ONE HUNDRED days ago one which was made with “infinite possibilities” or some kind of “meaningful coincidence”? 

#smokefree #onehundreddays #onedayatatime #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #2020sucks #iquit #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #covid19 #itstheclimb #lawofattraction #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #selfcare #ichooseme 

Your Big Win

As another week in quarantine comes to an end tell me what your biggest win was for you this week. Maybe it didn’t seem like such a big win to you or maybe it wasn’t really a win at all in someone else’s eyes but keep this in mind; no one is expecting you to use this time in quarantine to learn a new language or to paint the Mona Lisa or to become a Rocket Scientist so don’t ever feel otherwise, not even for a second because right now our focus is to stay safe and to keep our loved ones safe.

So if your biggest win this week was that you got outside for some fresh air or fed your family scrambled eggs for supper or managed to find some time to work from home while tending to your 3 young children or you got dressed in something other than your pajamas or maybe you got out of bed before 1pm one day this week (that’s my big win) or for an added bonus; you made your bed then go ahead and give yourself a big pat on the back because you deserve it. (see blog; Make Your Bed: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/make-your-bed/) 

But most importantly don’t forget that “we’re all in this together” and that being quarantined is not a competition as to who can learn a new language best or paint the Mona Lisa best or become the best Rocket Scientist. We’re all doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources we’ve been given and the only person who should be able to ever determine your self-worth is you and only you! Let’s try to not lose sight of what matters most right now and then every moment will feel like the biggest win!

#selfcare #youarenotalone #togetherapart #stayhome #checkonyourstrongfriends #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #checkonyourlovedones #winner #selfworth #kindnessmatters #nojudgment #noshame #wereallinthistogether 

Keeping it Real

*May be triggering to some* 

I had a really rough night and I’m so thankful that I had my husband and my pup (who turns 9 tomorrow) with me to keep me safe and get me through the night, especially knowing just how many people are alone right now. 
So much has changed in all of our lives over the last month and I’m pretty sure we are all having some rough days and nights but the one thing that hasn’t changed for me since this crisis began is that I still have the same mental illness I did before it started. 

I’m still suffering with chronic and treatment resistant depression, severe anxiety and suicidal ideations every damn day and all that seems to have changed for me over the course of the last month is that many, if not most of my symptoms have become exacerbated. 

It’s more important than ever to take care of our mental health and to make it a priority. Yet I’m feeling less and less inclined to do so anymore and more and more guilty for being sick with each passing day.

Oh the fucking guilt, it’s such a huge burden to carry. I feel invisible right now and I need to keep reminding myself that I’ve tried and that having a mental illness is not my fault. I need to keep reminding myself that I did not choose to have a mental illness and I need to stop apologizing for it even though the entire world may be experiencing a Pandemic right now. 

I could really use a hug, how about you? 

#checkonyourlovedones #masksofff #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #suicide #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #noshame #yourmentalhealthmatters #stateofemergency #pandemic #overwhelm #panicattack 

Things Change, People Can Too

Two years ago this coming July I wrote a blog titled “Distress Centers, Demi Lovato & Doug Ford” that I wanted to share with you again today because I feel like it is quite relevant to our life right now. A lot has changed since I first wrote this blog including my reference to being a smoker for over 30 years because as you all know by now, I no longer am! 

Something else that has changed since writing this blog on July 29, 2018 was my great dislike at the time for our then newly elected Premier of Ontario; Doug Ford, but over the last six weeks he has really grown on me ALOT as he continues everyday to prove to the people of Ontario (and Canada) what the true definition of a leader and a mensch are.

He has stepped up to the plate and  gone above and beyond what’s in his actual job description and shows his genuine concern and compassion “for the people”.  I can’t say for sure I will continue to feel the same way about him after the crisis is finally over but for now I don’t think we could ask for a better man (or woman) for the job.

Something else that this particular blog touches upon is addiction, our mental health and asking for help. Our mental health is imperative right now and figuring out ways to ensure that we take the very best care of both our bodies and minds. 

I fear that more and more people are going to come through this Pandemic with new or worsening addiction and mental health issues, both young and old. And being in quarantine many may not realize that if they are feeling vulnerable, alone or scared that help is just a text or phone call away. 

But taking that first step to reach out to someone can feel next to impossible for many, but will also be the greatest thing that you do for yourself so if you are feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed and need to talk to someone, Kids Help Phone and 310-COPE are just two of many helplines that are available to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; they are the definition of an essential service!

https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/distress-centers-demi-lovato-doug-ford

#dougford #demilovato #kidshelpphone #helplines #ourpremier #essentialservices #addiction #mentalillness #mentalhealth #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #masksoff #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #endthestigmatogether 

Late Night Radio

I just finished pre recording a segment for tonight’s radio show The Late Shift with Jason Agnew on 1010 talk radio. It’s been a while since I have done an interview or given a talk as so many recent and upcoming events I had scheduled were cancelled.

I know there are so many people who are suffering right now with Depression and Anxiety and that many turn to the comfort of late night talk radio. If I can help just one person listening tonight feel less afraid or less alone it will warm my heart.

If you can’t sleep tonight tune in around 3am. It’s broadcast throughout Canada.

Please continue to follow my journey at https://youareenough712.wordpress.com and do not hesitate to reach out to me if you ever need someone to listen. Xoxo

#iheartradio #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #covid19 #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #bellmedia #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #bellletstalk #wecanallmakeadifference #checkonyourlovedones #togetherapart #stayhome #flattenthecurve

World Health Day

Today is World Health Day and in its entire history today’s celebration couldn’t be more fitting than ever before. World Health Day is an initiative that raises awareness about the overall health and wellbeing of people around the world which is why today feels très importante! The theme of this year’s #worldhealthday is in support of nurses and midwives who have been the unsung heroes of Covid-19 by sacrificing their own health and wellbeing in order to ensure that we can all live in a healthier, safer world. Feel free to give a shoutout here to a special healthcare worker in your life!

#thankyou #grateful #gratitude #unsungheroes #nurses #midwives #healthcare #essentialworkers #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #physicalhealth #physicalwellness #youareenough #stayhome #flattenthecurve

It’s Okay To Cry Over Spilt Milk


Last night I had a meltdown of epic proportions. I knew that it being my 6 year Anniversary since the onset of my illness yesterday (See blog “The Anniversary Effect”; April 4, 2020) that it wasn’t gonna be an easy day. But I did just what any good doctor would order me to do and got out of bed (eventually), took a 2 hour walk through my neighborhood and then treated myself to a warm bubble bath when we got home. 

But like clockwork everything changed without a moment’s notice and almost as soon as I stepped out of the bathtub I found myself crying over “spilt milk” again, even if most of what I was crying over wasn’t really worth getting upset about at all; but you see, the truth is, it really feels like there is plenty of spilt milk to cry over these days.

At any given moment we may find ourselves feeling sad, scared, disappointed, angry, worried, distracted, exhausted, restless, short tempered or impatient (did I cover enough adjectives?). I find that since first becoming ill my patience has become next to nil which can often stir up plenty of other emotions quickly. And now with each passing day I’m pretty sure that most of us are finding ourselves losing their patience too in some way or another or with someone or another. In other words, we are all starting to get on each other’s nerves.

It’s ok if you’re not quite ready to admit to it yet though and since there is no real guidebook for us to follow on how we should feel during a Pandemic, we all get a free pass. So with no Playbook or guidelines to follow on how we should react or be feeling right now let me reassure you that whatever the heck you are feeling is perfectly valid. 

Even if you’re living with June Cleaver from “Leave It To Beaver” we are all learning together how to coexist with others on a much different level than we were before and you may be feeling very claustrophobic, frustrated, on edge and downright snappy toward one another as we test each other’s patience and deal with each other’s anxieties and ever changing moods. 

It’s hard, it’s super fucking hard right now but “we’re all in this together” and the one thing that is gonna make this nightmare just a tad bit easier is ensuring that we all work together as a team, within our individual homes, and create a Playbook with your home team. (I really do miss sports)

This experience is no doubt gonna change us all and we are all going to have to make some changes in order to get through this Pandemic together and maybe a good place to start is by developing a “Playbook” for your home team and make sure it includes several “strategies” and “plays” that can help reduce some of your household stressors and anxieties. 

Ask your teammates what you need from them right now and moving forward to help make this time together more successful and remember that it’s still ok to cry over spilt milk while figuring it out, but by figuring it out together hopefully we will create some stronger, more adhesive family units by the time this is all over.

So what are some things you need in your Playbook?

#wereallinthistogether #family #playbook #teamwork #teammates #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #anxiety #depression #spiltmilk #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourstrongfriends #covid19 #coronavirus #togetherapart #flattenthecurve #socialdistancing #unitedasone 

The Anniversary Effect

Today marks six years since my whole world began to crumble and as each Anniversary comes around the pain and sadness from that fateful day, April 4, 2014 still feels like a knife is being slowly twisted deeper into my heart. I can recall the events of that day as though they were yesterday and I shared them all with you in a blog titled “April 4, 2014: It’s Been Five Long Years”, exactly one year ago today.

As each Anniversary approaches I feel that initial sense of pain and sadness all over again and I begin to site the “would’ves”, the “should’ves” and the “could’ves” one by one over and over and over again in order to figure out if somehow there would’ve, should’ve or could’ve been a different outcome, one that didn’t lead me down a path where six years later I would still be living with the daily pain and sadness associated with Anxiety, Depression and Suicidal Ideations. 

Anniversaries are supposed to be celebrated, right? Well not all Anniversaries feel like a celebration and whether it’s the Anniversary of a bad break-up, the Anniversary of a traumatic event in your life or the Anniversary of the death of a loved one it can easily trigger pain and sadness.  This actually has a name for it; it’s called “The Anniversary Effect” and is defined as “a unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.”

This year with the approach of my sixth year Anniversary date it’s brought with it a lot of extra intensity given the current and uncertain state of the world right now. It’s left me feeling even further trapped in my thoughts and crippled by so many emotions with an added bonus of battling headaches almost daily. I’m finding it really difficult to get out of bed, to follow any sort of routine, to be motivated and to not cry at every single fucking thing. 

I’m trying to find ways to distract myself and find something to help ease the pain and sadness I’m feeling today (Covid-19 memes seem to do the trick so feel free to pass any along). Maybe today will include trying to reflect back on the past six years at some moments that have brought me happiness or maybe by trying to find some hope in what truly feels hopeless right now or maybe by looking at the “what ifs” of tomorrow and feeling less afraid of them.

But however I choose to spend today, whether or not it’s in bed or whether or not it’s trying to follow a routine or whether or not I feel completely unmotivated or whether or not I cry at every fucking little thing I’ve also been reminded today that each Anniversary I’m still writing about definitely would, definitely should and definitely is an Anniversary to celebrate. Thanks for the reminder; I may need it again tomorrow.