Sometimes all you need is for someone to just be there, not to fix you or to take away your pain but to just simply listen with an understanding heart and without judgment.
Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is an empathetic ear to lift you up.
Sometimes when we let others share their hurt without any interruption can bring so much comfort.
Sometimes just knowing that beneath all your hurt someone is listening can help you feel less alone.
Sometimes if we just allow someone to be there for us in silence shows how much they care.
On Friday evening after experiencing several heightened episodes of anxiety throughout the day, I found myself right smack in the middle of a full-on panic attack.
I did my best to try and calm myself down using some breathing techniques but trying to distract myself from what was triggering me in that moment I could barely catch my breath long enough to take some CBD oil; something I don’t hesitate to do several times a day when needed as a therapeutic.
As soon as the CBD oil started kicking in and my heartrate began to decrease to a more tolerable level I curled up under my weighted blanket, still fully dressed from the day but I didn’t care because all I wanted to do in that moment was close my eyes and go to sleep.
But whose kidding who? Like is sleep ever an option for me? Even if my panic attack had just taken every last ounce of strength I had left inside and crushed it with my blanket, I was still preparing myself for a sleepless night ahead.
And I knew if I lay in bed much longer I would most definitely end up having another anxiety attack of some sort, so I reached for my other bottle of CBD oil on my nightstand, the one with the THC in it.
I regretted my decision almost immediately even though it took a while for it to kick in. It did not reduce my anxiety or relax me or even help me sleep, instead I spent the rest of the night fighting off my paranoia and hallucinations and by the time morning arrived I was still feeling the effects from the THC and spent the entire day in bed yesterday with a “hangover”.
They say it’s nearly impossible to OD on cannabis but if there is even a slight chance of that happening then I’m pretty sure I managed to do so. Cannabis is supposed to give you a feeling of euphoria but like every other prescribed medication or therapeutic treatment I’ve taken along my journey, including that of Medical Marijuana, “Shrooms”, Ketamine and Edibles I’ve experienced adverse effects from them all.
By morning my Psychosis had pretty much gone away but it left me barely able to finish a sentence or swallow. I had a headache, I felt exhausted, I was beyond nauseous and dizzy and whenever I tried to stand up I felt myself passing out on the floor moments later. But not to worry because I can always count on my family to look after me, and they did just that while between fits of laughter and snapping pictures and recording videos of me to ensure they captured all the highlights.
I have tried and tried for years now to reap the benefits from using THC and other similar treatments but I think that after what happened to me this weekend I have tried for the very last time and I am just grateful that at least my regular doses of CBD oil still helps me in some small way.
My illness lies to me all the damn time but it’s so hard not to believe its vicious lies after everything we’ve been through together in the past six and a half years.
One such lie that it repeats over and over and over again is how much of a burden I am to my family and how much better off they would be without me.
It constantly triggers countless negative thoughts and emotions in my head that pull me in a million different directions which can strike at any moment, especially during the dark and lonely nights.
Last night I shared with you one of the most meaningful and proudest moments any parent could ever imagine. A moment that should prove to all the untruths once and for all that my illness is nothing more than a big fat liar because I must be loved, I must be needed and I must truly be cherished.
When we first become parents we aim for perfection and we strive to provide for our kids a near perfect life, but how realistic is that really when we live in such an imperfect world?
And truth be told, there is nothing wrong with being an imperfect parent, infact being such is actually perfectly perfect even if my illness tries to tell me otherwise.
I have been overwhelmed with so much emotion since Jacob unveiled his tattoo to us last night. My kids have been living in a pretty imperfect place for the better part of six years now and although my illness keeps telling me that I am a burden to my family and that they are better off without me this gift from Jacob has shown me that being “good enough” or being “imperfect” may just be the greatest and most perfectly perfect gift you can ever give to a child after all.
My heart is overflowing tonight. There are no words to describe how I am feeling right now.
This is Jacob’s latest tattoo that he got yesterday. The picture was originally taken while on a family vacation in Washington D.C nine years ago during the week of his 13th birthday (but he swapped out the Washington Monument for the C.N Tower).
Thank you for this incredibly meaningful and very moving gesture. You are always so full of surprises. 🤗🥰
Let’s all take a moment today to wish the world’s most recognizable character and the most lovable mouse on earth a very happy 92nd birthday.
I have always been a really big fan of Mickey Mouse’ (like ginormous) and that feeling has never waivered.
To me Mickey Mouse embodies all that is good in the world. He is a symbol of family, friendship and fun. He welcomes and accepts everyone he meets into his home (which just so happens to be the most magical place on earth) with a warm embrace.
He brings smiles of joy to millions of faces, both young and old alike and he believes that no dream is impossible and that “if you can dream it, you can do it!”
Let’s celebrate and appreciate Mickey today for all of his amazing and special attributes that he has brought to the world over the last 92 years and all that he represents because we could sure use as many warm embraces (virtually for now) and welcoming smiles (under your mask) more than ever before right about now.
I wish I could be with him to celebrate today; how about you?
What are your most cherished memories of Mickey and/or the Magic Kingdom?
This past year has been nothing less than a Shit Show!!!! (am I right or what?) and I am so grateful everyday for having your strength, your gentle embrace, your sense of humour and your love.
You are my anchor, my heart and my beloved and I thank you for everything that you do for me and our kids (yes, the list is pretty endless) and I thank you for everything that you are.
We honour you, we appreciate you and most of all we celebrate you today, tomorrow and always because no one deserves it more than you!
I hope all your wishes come true in the coming year. Have an amazing day! 🍍🥰🎂🥳
I don’t sleep much at the best of times and what little sleep I do get is often very disruptive and unsettling and a large part is due to my hypersensitivity to noise or in Psychological terms I guess you could call it “Anxiety”.
I’d probably compare myself to that of a dog when it comes to my keen sense of hearing, not the ferocious Cujo looking dog but more like a cuddly little lap dog! Dogs can hear way better than most humans and can also hear from four times further away and at nearly twice as many frequencies. That about sums me up and not just through the night!
Due to my severe anxiety I am easily triggered by many, many sounds and noises which often result in further upset, irritation, distress and even anger. I always feel like I am on high alert and many of the so-called “normal”, everyday noises that we hear feel super amplified in my head which causes me to be alarmed and frightened for a very good part of my days and night. It can be as simple as a door opening, a car driving by or even the sound of footsteps heard overhead.
These triggers don’t always coincide with my anxious thoughts or panic attacks, in fact oftentimes it doesn’t at all but it is so hard for me to ever feel completely relaxed. I find it near impossible to ever fully shut off my brain and with every amplified sound or noise I hear I am automatically thinking something tragic has occurred (and if you don’t believe me you can ask anyone who lives with me lol).
I am slowly learning how to stop myself as the noise amplifies in my head before I go immediately into the worst and most tragic place by telling myself over and over again that nothing bad is happening just like the last time I heard the same noise. It’s a process, just like everything else in my life. But if all else fails I think I’d make a pretty damn good watchdog!
It’s been thirteen months now since I first launched my children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” which was a dream come true for me and had it not been for my illness, I can almost guarantee you that it may never have happened; nor would I have found myself pursuing my love of writing, advocacy or helping others either.
But about seven weeks ago that dream which I had worked so hard to make come true for some eighteen months prior all came to a crashing halt in an instant. I wrote a Blog at the time titled “A Labour of Love” where I explained how one evening back in July I found out (purely by accident) that the seemingly well established (twenty six years in business), highly recommended Publishing company that I used to self-publish my book had vanished without a trace with not even so much as a heads up to its clients.
I was left feeling completely defeated and it has taken a huge toll on my health and safety over the last many weeks. Not only did they close their doors for good (which I may have felt empathy for had they handled it bravely) they also disconnected any and all hope of contacting them and to add even more salt to the wound they also took with them my remaining inventory/and very generous Grant money I had received in good faith by a well known and very prominent Mental Health Foundation. So completely defeated is an understatement as to what this has done to my health and the future of my book.
I still have some copies of my book in my personal possession (so feel free to contact me if you would like a copy!). However last week I had to make the very difficult decision to close down my account on Amazon because the publisher was who held most of my inventory/money in order to replenish the Amazon site and well it seemed pointless to keep my account open without having books to actually sell.
So what now? Well now I have to start over by having my book re-published somewhere else (even though my current state of mind has been telling me to just give it up). And why does my mind keep telling me to just give it up? Well without going into great detail, the long and short of it is that right now I don’t have any extra funds that it would take to re-publish my book and at this moment in time is a cost that I cannot afford.
About a month or so ago I began exploring and researching some opportunities that I could do in order for me to make some extra income to help my family out right now (my husband lost his job close to 7 months ago) and to also work toward my goal of re-publishing my book as well. As many of you know I have an entrepreneurial spirit in me and I love to sell many different products over the years but I knew that in order to ensure success I would need a product that brings me passion and purpose. I knew I needed to find something that could add value to my advocacy and I knew I needed to find something that would inspire me on my journey toward wellness.
That was when I found Origami Owl, a jewelry company that completely aligns with my journey. They have a strong sense of community and their mission is to empower women of all ages and to help make a difference in the lives of others. They sell lockets and charms that help tell your story, they have an Empowerment Collection that have inspiring messages of hope, a program and mission called Force For Good which motivates us to do good and the profits from this collection are donated to charities from all over Canada and the US including Autism, Domestic Abuse and Breast Cancer. They have a young entrepreneur program as well that helps young women between 11 and 17 years old to aspire and dream and most recently one of those young entrepreneurs created her own charm to add to the collection called “You Are Loved” and is a semicolon intertwined in a heart which represents Suicide Prevention and 100% of the proceeds go to support Suicide Prevention and Awareness.
And if all this wasn’t enough reason for me to join Origami Owl, Disney has just partnered with them and will be launching a collection later this month (if you know me well, you will know how much I LOVE Disney and especially MICKEY MOUSE.
I have attached several pictures but there are 100’s more pieces available so please feel free to check out my website: https://kimfluxgold.origamiowl.ca and thank you as always for your continued love and encouragement along my journey.
Today Rachel will embark on a new chapter in her life as she begins her first day of University; working towards her lifelong goal of becoming an Interior Designer (in LA!).
Today you leave behind a once in a lifetime cancelled Graduation trip, a brand new Prom dress with the tags still on, a High School Graduation Ceremony that is still TBA and a summer like no other.
And although today as you begin this new chapter in your life very differently from how it’s meant to be, it will still be filled with new beginnings and endless possibilities.
Today is your day to start anew and wipe the slate clean. Today is your day to focus on the journey forward. Today is your day and I know that you are going to paint the town with every colour of the rainbow.
Listen closely to the real “experts” tell us how they are feeling right now as they prepare to head back to the classroom (either virtually or in person). Listen closely to the real “experts” talk about their fears of the unknown ahead and their growing uncertainty of the future. And listen very closely as they send a genuine, sincere and incredibly powerful message to our teachers about how important they are to them and just how much of an impact our educators can make on a child’s health and wellbeing.
These “experts” of all ages, races and ethnicities are speaking with truth and honesty from their heart on behalf of youth everywhere to let teachers know how truly missed and respected they are and how much their guidance and support keeps them feeling hopeful both in the classroom and beyond. Thank you to our teachers for giving our children a safe and inclusive place to turn.
Don’t forget to grab your tissue first; you’ve been warned!
YouAreEnough 
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