Tag: control

What The Camera Didn’t Capture

Many of you probably saw the pics I posted last night. 

Our whole family out for dinner celebrating Rachel’s 19th birthday; the first time in a very long time.

Everyone smiling, laughing, eating, drinking, taking selfies and being present in the moment.

But the pictures didn’t capture everything. They just caught a glimpse of it.  

What they didn’t capture was the very real and very painful reality of my illness. The reality and pain that follows me wherever I go no matter what the occasion is, especially lately.

My illness loves to suck the joy out of any occasion to be honest, even the happiest of ones.

By mid afternoon yesterday I could feel my anxiety becoming more and more intense and my sadness building deeper and deeper.

There was no reason for it really. None. Nada. Nil. Zilch. But my illness will tell you otherwise. 

By the time we got to the restaurant and settled down at our table I had reached my breaking point. I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion.

Rich could see the build up happening from across the table but it was too late.

Just looking at the menu became incredibly burdensome.

There was nowhere for me to hide. 

I did everything in my power to stop it from escalating into a full blown panic attack. I took several deep breaths. I reminded myself that everything was okay, that everyone was okay. I looked around the table and heard the sound of laughter. I noticed the biggest smile on my birthday girl’s face. 

But none of that seemed to matter because moments later the panic erupted and before I knew it I was inconsolable. All eyes were suddenly on me.

My kids were left wishing they could somehow crawl under the table.  I was left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

There was no reason for any of it really. None. Nada. Nil. Zilch. But for some reason my illness felt otherwise. 

And your kids think you embarrass them! 

#whatthecameradidntcapture #behindthemask #themanyfacesofdepression #inconsolable #panicattack #anxiety #depression #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #familymatters #nowheretohide #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough

One of Those Days

Do you ever feel like you’ve had “one of those days?” 

I’m pretty sure you know what I mean right? 

We’ve all experienced those days where no matter what, nothing seems to go your way. 

Your day may start off seemingly “normal” but then something unexpected or presumably unwarranted happens which leads to a chain of events that quickly spirals into “one of those days”. 

I kinda feel like I’ve been living “one of those days” for seven years now though and this week was no exception. 

We can’t control everything that happens to us but on many of “those days” I keep trying my best to find a way to survive them.  

I posted a pic yesterday on social media which many of you reading this may have seen. It captured the essence of a picture perfect afternoon I’d spent with a couple of friends boating at the lake and smiling through Depression.  

What it didn’t show was how I almost didn’t go. 

Like one of my friends was literally sitting in my driveway all ready to pick me up to head up north to visit our friend’s lake house for that picture perfect day on the water and I was frozen in panic.

All because of the chain of events which had started early morning the day before and continued into the wee hours the next morning when Maggie suddenly became ill in the middle of the night; just adding insult to injury. 

It had been “one of those days” where nothing felt right. I’d just spent the previous 24 hours angry, panicked and crying and it was now trickling into the next day for me. 

But I chose to go. I went knowing that if I stayed home I would be giving up even more control of my emotions which is something I absolutely hate feeling more than anything. That feeling leaves my judgment very clouded. 

I knew I couldn’t change the events of the day before and that by going I was both acknowledging and accepting that.

I also knew that it would be good for me to go and try to get out of my head, even for just a few hours. I needed to go in order to prove to myself that I can be in control of some of my emotions and that I actually have the power to do so.

What do you try and do to take control of your emotions when you are having “one of those days”?

#oneofthosedays #takingcontrolofyouremotions #selfcare #acknowledgeandaccept #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #panicattacks #suicidalthoughts #suicideprevention #awareness #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough 

%d bloggers like this: