Tag: addiction

I’m A Reality TV Junkie

Anyone who knows me well, knows how completely obsessed I am with Reality TV. It’s a much needed and most welcomed escape from my own reality and struggles for, well, at the very least an hour or two at a time. 

I become totally invested in their lives (maybe a little too much sometimes lol), I cheer on their successes like I would for anyone else, I put a hate on for the mean girls and bullies, I become completely enthralled in all their drama both on and off the screen (bring it on!) and I especially love gossiping with my friends about all the jaw dropping drama unfolding on the screen.

In mid March when the world abruptly shut down that also included the filming of one of my favorite Reality shows (Big Brother Canada) which had just begun airing a couple of weeks earlier. But when the Government executed the lockdown orders, the television network quickly pulled the plug on production and sent the entire cast and crew home immediately. I, along with so many loyal fans were completely crushed (no one could have ever imagined at the time that we’d still be living in the devastation of Covid-19 all these months later). 

Reality shows, like most television productions, are usually filmed several months in advance of airing on TV but not the Big Brother Franchises; they are unique because they film in real time and air 3x a week, in addition to the live feeds 24/7 that you can pay extra for to watch (I myself stick to the spoiler alert groups on Social Media these days which are free). 

But lucky for me I have not been without my fair share of other epic Reality TV shows since the shut down of Big Brother Canada as many of my favorite shows that filmed well in advance of the Pandemic have still been airing weekly ever since, and many have even been showcasing self-filmed quarantine life (you can’t get any more real than that!). 

The demand and popularity for Reality TV has been on the rise for years now. It’s entertaining to say the very least and who couldn’t use an entertaining distraction from our own realities in life right now, which was why when the announcement came that Big Brother (USA) would be starting in early August I was ecstatic! 

It’s become my favorite escape from reality for the last 20 + summers and even though it usually begins at the end of June and carries us through until mid September I know this shortened season will be like no other (G-d willing everyone stays healthy that is).

The contestants this season will consist only of “All Stars” who are considered “Fan Favorites” from past seasons which was the only way the show could happen at all this year as it alleviated months of interviewing, prepping and casting calls to find new players which I’m good with and is certain to make for lots of drama indeed!

So who will be watching with me?

Are you a Reality TV junkie? (it’s ok your secret is safe with me!)

What are your favorite Reality TV shows to watch and help you escape from your own reality for a while?

#betterlatethannever #bigbrother #bigbrotherisalwayswatchingyou #bigbrotherallstars #realitytv #imarealitytvjunkie #icallitselfcare #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #escapefromreality #youareenough 

Tied Up In Knots

*I just thought I’d preface this Blog by letting you know that it has been a particularly hard one to write.*

I’ve mentioned recently that I’ve needed a break lately because my mental health has been on a downward spiral. Since I began sharing my journey with you I have done so with the utmost honestly that which has always included open conversations about many of the most intimate and raw moments in my life. But there is still so much I don’t share with you or won’t share for that matter and lately it’s just been so difficult to share much at all (good or bad).

Right now I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots which feels like it’s getting harder and harder to undo each day. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them up but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten back up, somedays even more than before.

If I can quote myself here for a brief moment from a Blog I wrote last week titled: Give Me A Break where I said “Everyone has varying degrees of stress that they deal with but when battling with daily symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations at the same time can make it particularly difficult to manage.”; and sometimes when this is happening we feel the need to turn to a place of comfort to help us heal and unfortunately that can sometimes include old habits, which is exactly where I found myself at about a week ago.

I hate myself more than ever right now for writing this or for even thinking it out loud, but last week I bought my first pack of cigarettes in almost six months. This week I should be celebrating that I haven’t had a cigarette in six months but instead I am sitting here in shame (and with tears in my eyes) telling you a very different story.

To think that I had made it almost six months without lighting up a cigarette even though I’ve wanted to many, many, MANY times makes me just want to throw up. I feel like an even bigger failure, I mean who wouldn’t, right?

When I made the decision to quit smoking on January 14th while still recovering from a concussion that had occurred on the morning of January 2nd no one could have ever imagined what lay ahead. 2020 has pretty much sucked for most of the world but the Pandemic alone is not what led me to go buy that pack of cigarettes seeing as most of what is going on in my life presently began way before the Pandemic ever did.

Has the Pandemic amplified the urgency of certain issues, 1000 percent it has and smoking had always been there for me in the past to help calm me and although I have reaped the many benefits from the nicotine withdrawal itself, the actual habit of smoking a cigarette has always been on my mind.

Research shows that it can actually take an average smoker 30 attempts before they quit. The good news is that I’m not really enjoying smoking like I did in the past, nor am I smoking nearly what I used to so my plan this time around is to take it slowly and try a different approach, one which allows me to unravel one knot at a time before I even attempt to try and loosen up another one.

Please continue to follow my journey at:
https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #selfcare #allinknots #smoking #imsuchafailure #addiction #comfortzone #oldhabits #theguilt #feelinghelpless

One Final Thank You

Just one final thank you to @cbcthenational for sharing my story so perfectly.  Thank you to @kidshelpphone for making a difference in so many young lives and thank you to the “Class of 2020” Graduates for teaching the rest of the world the true meaning of resilience while learning to face adversity head on in a time of so much uncertainty. You may forever be remembered as the “Graduating Class of Covid-19” but the lessons you will take with you as you transition into the next phase of your journey will carry you far beyond what any classroom ever could.

#classof2020 #graduationday #grads #strongertogether #togetherapart #wereallinthistogether #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok  #makingadifference #ouryouthmatter #pandemicdiaries

I’m Not Crying, You’re Crying


It’s been a very overwhelming week for me with a lot of mixed emotions. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and emotions with you, along with a handful of the 100’s of special messages I’ve received over the last several weeks and a short video that the management team at Kids Help Phone sent me as a small token of thanks and appreciation. 

But I truly couldn’t have done any of this alone and as I wrap up my “Class of 2020” Graduation Initiative and reflect back on the last 6 weeks I want to make sure that I say thank you to everyone who helped make this Campaign the incredible success that it was. I will start by saying thank you to the nearly 700 young graduates whose smiles and gratitude have been forever captured upon first sight of their front lawn, their front window or even their schoolyard playground decorated with a sign honouring their efforts and a reflection of a time in their lives that acknowledges so much more than a feeling of loss and sadness but of a time in their life when they became warriors and battled through the loss and sadness with such resilience and strength.

Thank you to the 100’s of parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends who made sure that their special Graduate’s efforts did not go unnoticed starting from Kindergarten all the way up to Medical School Graduations. And another thank you as well to all of you for acknowledging the incredible efforts of Kids Help Phone with your generous donations which helped raise $10,000 and ensure that more young people feel less alone.

I also want to say thank to Josh Benezrah for making sure that each and every sign that I ordered was printed and delivered to me with lots and lots of TLC. And to my amazing friend Shawna Smoke who once again helped turn my vision into a reality. You are uber talented. 

And last but not least, to Rich who deserves an extra special thank you by giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “going the extra mile” as he spent the last month putting 100’s and 100’s of extra kilometers on his car, schlepping me to the ends of the earth some days, making sure each sign was perfectly in place on every lawn and letting me scream and cry whenever necessary!

You have all shown me the true meaning of teamwork. Please take a moment to watch the video from @KidsHelpPhone and if you would still like to make a donation you can do so at: youthareenough@gmail.com

https://www.dropbox.com/s/lhefdd0whkgbbqd/Thank you so much – NYC.mp4?dl=0

#keepdreaming #reachforthestars #nextchapter #graduationday #grads #classof2020 #ouryouthmatter #strongertogether #wereallinthistogether #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #thankyou #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #selfcare #mentalwellness #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence 

Stop The Presses

I placed my final order of signs first thing this morning which will be printed and then delivered later this week. I knew a week ago that I needed to wrap up my Initiative for the sake of my mental health but as I wrote in my blog last week “How Can I Say No?” I struggle a great deal with saying No.

Yesterday the emails were still pouring in non-stop; and even as I took some much needed time for myself to go for a hike I panicked at the thought of all the emails I would have to return when I got home. And knowing that I was taking my final orders that day made the panic worsen at how I could possibly get back to everyone on time. 

I did get back to everyone and when I told them it was to be my final night to take any new orders, everyone responded very quickly but it still didn’t help the fact that I would be letting many others down who would continue to contact me today, tomorrow or even next week. 

I knew going in that my Campaign would only be short term but now as the school year is beginning to wind down I feel like I am letting so many people down and disappointing so many others by simply saying No. 

I truly never imagined 5 or 6 weeks ago that my little idea would take on a life of its own, a life that has now exceeded every expectation I had and crushed every goal I made; but then why do I feel so guilty, why do I feel like it’s never enough or that I should be doing more?

There is still time to contribute to my Class of 2020 Graduate Initiative and help make a difference in a child/youth’s life. Please feel free to make a donation at: youthareenough@gmail.com.

All of the proceeds will go to @KidsHelpPhone 

Continue to follow my journey at:https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

#lifewithdepression #lifewithanxiety #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #guiltfree #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #negativeselftalk #selfcare  #ichooseme #youarenotalone #graduationday #grads #classof2020 #ouryouthmatter #lawnsigns 

Signed, Sealed & Delivered


While on route today delivering more lawn signs I made an extra special stop to the home of one of the Managers of Kids Help Phone to drop off an envelope with a cheque in it for just under $8000. 
Like so many others right now, the staff at Kids Help Phone are adjusting to a new way of life by having to work from home (and for the foreseeable future) in order to help flatten the curve and stop the spread of Covid-19 but I didn’t want to have to wait several more months for Kids Help Phone to reap the benefits of the 100’s of generous donations I’ve received and so the kind young gentleman (who I’ve been in constant contact with since the start of my “Class of 2020” Graduate Initiative) offered to have me drop it off to him to ensure it got into the right hands now.

We spoke for a little bit outside his home (and 2 meters apart!) and he shared with me some of his goals he is working towards right now for our youth during Covid-19 and beyond and how much donations like this can help turn these goals into a reality. 

I told him that I will have another cheque for him in a couple of weeks once I wrap up my campaign which is officially winding down this weekend as my mental health is taking a toll right now from it, but as of this evening I am very close to doubling my original goal of $5000 and ya that’s pretty cool with me.

*Feel free to reach out to me before Sunday night to honour a “Class of 2020” Graduate! And if you or anyone you know is feeling sad or angry or frustrated or scared please reach out to Kids Help Phone 24/7. They are now servicing all children, youth, frontline  workers and even adults.  

#kidsmentalhealthmatters #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #kindnessmatters #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #suicide #ouryouthmatter #strongertogether #togetherapart #staysafe #stayhome @kidshelpphone @bellletstalk 

Will The Cravings Ever Stop?

It’s been a hundred and thirty something days since I’ve had a cigarette, not a hundred and thirty something days since I’ve desired a cigarette but a hundred and thirty something days since I last smoked one. There are many days (and nights) that go by now where I barely even think about smoking anymore but the days that I do are fucking hell and last night was probably the worst I’ve experienced, even more so than the first few days after I quit back in January. You all remember January; that cold, dark, dreary month of the year that we all wish we could go back in time to right now. Boy what I’d give to go back there now in a heartbeat, with my concussion and all!

Last night I had a panic attack which only exasperated the exhaustion and overwhelm I was already experiencing and I suddenly felt like a junkie who would do just about anything to get their next “fix”. If you have ever suffered with an addiction of any kind before (drug, alcohol, gambling etc) you can relate to how out of control I felt from my “need” to smoke NOW. I begged Rich to get me a pack of cigarettes and I began envisioning myself sitting on my front porch enjoying the beautiful spring air and thinking that having just 1 cigarette wouldn’t be a big deal at all. 

It’s nights like this that have me thinking I will never be free of cigarettes. But then again is there really a specific timeline as to how long it should take a smoker of over 30 years to fully stop having the desire to smoke?

#iquit #smokefree #youareenough #panicattack #anxiety #depression #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #ahundredandthirtysomethingdays #nonsmoker #cravings 

Over $5000 and Counting

Another shipment of signs is ready for delivery. I have spent the last few days answering emails (literally nonstop) since my interview aired @citytv Monday evening and I’m not gonna lie but it’s been an exceptionally overwhelming few weeks for me, and especially this week. I never could have expected how well received my little idea would become or how much larger than life it has become. 

I truly am blessed to be doing something that has brought so much joy to so many deserving “Class of 2020” Graduates and their families and because of the generosity and kindness of so many people in communities all over the GTHA and beyond I have far surpassed my goal of raising $5000 (and have sold over 500 signs so far) to help more and more young people struggling right now and beyond Covid-19 know that help is always available for them if they are feeling alone, scared, sad or even angry. 

Thank you to @kidshelpphone for helping our young people feel that they belong to a community and that we are all #strongertogether. 

I am placing another order tomorrow morning (the biggest one yet!) and if you would like to still purchase a “Class of 2020” Graduation sign to honour a deserving Graduate in your life please feel free to message me. 

#graduationday #classof2020 #grads #youareenough #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #kindness #checkonyourlovedones #kindnessmatters #itsoktonotbeok #ouryouthmatter #helpisaphonecallaway #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence 

Who’s Counting?

It’s been 4 Months, 121 Days, 2,907 Hours, 174,240 Minutes and 10,454,400 Seconds (give or take!) since I smoked my last cigarette; but who’s counting? 🚬🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️🙋‍♀️

#thelongestfourmonthsever #concussion #quitsmoking #coldturkey #smokefree #covid19 #coronavirus #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #youareenough #istillcraveiteveryday #holdingmyselfaccountable

We’re All In Different Boats


Even though we may all be weathering the same storm together does not mean that we are doing so from the same boat. Some of us may feel like a castaway on a deserted island with a broken raft and no paddle to steer us home while others may feel like they are peacefully sailing through a remote Tropical Island in a big Yacht straight out of “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”.

Some of us are enjoying this time to slowly paddle our boat on a private lake and breathe in the fresh air and see our reflection on the water and actually like what we see, but for many more of us we may just be trying to brave the heavy waves on the ocean without capsizing our boat and praying we don’t fall into the shark pit below.

For many of us we are all alone in our boat, and the murky water surrounding us feels empty and the skies above us are dark and then you suddenly look across the way from you and through the fog you can see another boat in the distance filled with the love of a family, singing and dancing without a cloud in the sky above them.

For many of us right now we don’t have the means to fix the holes in our boat and it feels like we are sinking very fast without having a life preserver to keep our head above the water while others are still able to put their feet up on deck and use this time to map out their next adventure, a relaxing sail around the world. And then there are those who have no time to dock their motorboat right now because they are too busy working to help the rest of us try and stay afloat.

Yes we are all in different boats and sailing on very different journeys but we still share the same land and water which is why now would be the perfect time for all of us to anchor our boats next to one another (6 feet apart of course), not so we can compare them, not so we can judge them but so we can unite together as we weather the storm. 

#bekind #weatherthestorm #youareenough #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #kindnessiskey  ##mentalhealthawarenessmonth #covid19 #selfcare #virtualhugs #checkonyourlovedones