I received an email the other day from a woman who found my Blog and Instagram page online. She lives in Australia! WOW.
I read her email several times (I tried to do so in an Australian accent too!). In it she opens up to me in great detail about her own personal mental health journey. It actually gave me chills as to how eerily similar our stories sounded; right down to us being the same age at the onset of our illness (her illness began though in January of 2018, mine in April of 2014).
Although we may live on opposite sides of the world and have never met one another before, I instantly felt such a deep and emotional connection to her.
We’ve both tried so many of the same treatments and have been prescribed countless amounts of medications over the years to help treat our anxiety and depression; all of which have caused severe side effects and continue to fail us miserably. We’ve also both experienced what it feels like living inside the four dreary walls of a psych ward on many occasions, we have both experienced dramatic weight gains because of our illness and we both live our lives with the daunting and very exhausting task of trying to survive another day.
For a person who has never felt what it’s truly like to be so close to that edge numerous, numerous times before, it can be very hard to understand or relate to. But having someone to talk to or vent to or just listen to you who truly understands your feelings because they too have lived through a similar experience as you, can be such a gift.
Finding support from people who are able to empathize with what you are going through, even if it’s a stranger you meet at an AA meeting or at a peer support group for individuals who have lost a child, spouse or parent or through some kind of online forum for cancer survivors, it can make your journey feel much less lonely.
Empathy goes way beyond sympathy. When a person is sympathetic to your situation they are understanding how you feel, but only through their own perspective, whereas with empathy you can actually feel how the other person feels. The same holds true for caregivers as well; Rich being one of them. They also deserve to find that same connection with other individuals who are living through similar experiences as they are who can offer them an empathetic ear to help ease some of their daily stressors, frustration, guilt or loneliness that come along with their role (over the years that Rich has had to take on this very tiresome role, he has had many other caregivers reach out to him looking for that same empathetic ear).
Trust me though, having empathy for others can sometimes be downright overwhelming at times when you feel it as acutely as I most often do, yet finding the right connections, the ones filled with compassion can truly be so fulfilling and may even help brighten up another person’s day (which is why I won’t stop doing what I do)!
Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out whenever you feel like you need an empathetic ear to talk to, vent to or listen to you 🤗
2022 ended up taking several unexpected tolls and some very overwhelming wrong turns for me; and my family. It went in a direction no one ever saw coming and much of what I ended up “discovering” last year was that, in fact, things can actually get worse! But through it all I was still able to “DISCOVER” lots of new and very important things about myself in the process which I will hold on to as I try to navigate my way through the coming year.
2022 caused me so much pain and unbearable trauma, both of which seem to have already spilled over into the start of 2023. I’m barely functioning right now and we’re only a week in. I’m pretty sure I have shed more tears in the past week alone than I did in the previous six months.
Over the course of the past week I began asking myself what I need to focus on most in my life. The answer was simple. I need to focus on healing and learning to love myself, on giving myself permission to fail and on being gentler and kinder on myself. So I think a perfect place for me to start is by choosing a word for 2023 that embodies my whole being; physically, mentally, emotionally and personally; the word MEND came to mind.
According to both the Oxford and Merriam Dictionaries, the word MEND (a verb) is defined as;
Repairing something that is broken or damaged
To restore to health, heal
Improve an unpleasant situation
To become improved
To put into working order again
I don’t have a crystal ball but I really wish I did. I don’t know what the year ahead has in store for me either but it’s crucial, now more than ever that I begin to MEND the most important relationship I will ever have in my life: ME; and all its moving parts; physical, mental, emotional and personal.
Have you chosen your word for 2023 yet?? Feel free to share it so we can help inspire one another.
* * * * * There are no guarantees in life but giving someone who is contemplating suicide, hope that tomorrow could be a better day, is a perfect place to start.
I’m at my breaking point today.
A dear friend of mine, without even knowing, sent me the perfect quote this afternoon at just the right moment (see pic attached).
She reminded me that I am beautiful, I am loved, I am needed, I am strong and…I am enough.
I’m not sure who else may need to hear the same gentle reminder today but I thought I’d share it just in case.
My to-do-list is overwhelming me today. Often when we are overwhelmed and anxious and our to-do-list feels like it’s just too much to tackle all at once we get nothing done.
I saw this exercise somewhere recently so I thought I’d give it a try.
Next time you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious by all the things on your to-do-list take a bunch of markers and throw them in the air, but before you do, choose one colour to focus on catching instead of trying to catch as many as you can all at once. It’s always best to try and focus in on one step at a time.
What colour will you choose to focus on? I chose the yellow marker.
Dammit 2023, you promised me. You swore you were different from your predecessors. You made me believe in you. I had high hopes that we were going to be friends.
But you couldn’t wait, could you? Nope. Not even until the holiday weekend was over before you showed me your true self. I thought I was in a time warp last night which took me back to that exact same calendar day, January 2nd, three years ago; the year was 2020. I’d woken up early that morning to get ready for an appointment when a panic attack came over me and the next thing I remember was crawling upstairs to my bed after fainting 4 times in a matter of 10 minutes. It left me battered, bruised and with a concussion for the next several weeks. A visit to the emerg followed.
Last night, I was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, still experiencing an unbearable flare-up from the day before and having intermittent pain in my right arm and leg all day. I was also very anxious about the start of another work week ahead so I asked Rich for a sleeping pill, hoping to get a few hours of sleep. We had just finished up from dinner when he gave it to me (they are safely hidden out of my reach). He was getting ready to take my mother-in-law home after she’d spent the evening with us enjoying some quality time with her grandkids (although one was at work!).
It was about 8 pm by now but I knew from experience it would take, at minimum, a couple of hours until the sleeping pill would take full affect. However that was not the case last night and within minutes of swallowing the sleeping pill, a pill which I have taken at least a hundred times before, 2023 came at me with a vengeance. Suddenly, as I sat at the kitchen table, a numbness and feeling of weakness took over my body. I began slurring my words, I had trouble speaking or finishing a sentence, my legs were too shaky to walk and left me feeling off-balance and confused.
At first it almost felt laughable as my family looked on in fear. I promised them I was ok and they could resume what they were doing which also included Rich leaving to take his mom home and Hannah heading out to meet a friend.
In all actuality I was not ok and quite scared as I crawled my way upstairs and into bed (just like I’d done 3 years earlier on the exact same day). I tried texting a friend back while I was lying down. I’d been speaking with her just before I took the pill. I told her what was happening but my texts were incoherent and knowing that Rich wasn’t home she reached out to Jacob who came upstairs to wait with me until Rich came back and took me to the hospital. My symptoms mimicked that of a stroke victim and once the triage nurse finished performing several exercises on me that you would with someone experiencing a stroke, he immediatley moved me through to a room after putting me in a wheelchair and calling for back-up when I’d failed several of the exercises.
I still spent 6 hours in emerg after been triaged ahead of others and it still took hours to see a doctor who basically ordered a few blood tests and an ECG. As I waited for the test results the worst of it was behind me, the affects from the pill started to slowly wear off. Before I was released I was given an Advil for the pain in my arm and leg, told never to take the pills again and my favourite, follow up with the Dr. who prescribed them!
I’m still feeling a bit off-balance today and after getting home at 4am and crawling into bed you would have thought I would have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. No such luck. I slept a total of one hour before having to get up to go to work for 8 hours today, my eyes out of focus, my mind racing and my body feeling exhausted and weak but the overpowering guilt of calling in sick on my third week of work felt worse.
Thanks 2023, I hope you’re happy, you are already proving to be just like the rest of them!
Rich and I went to see a movie yesterday afternoon. It was the first time we’d been to a theater since the summer of 2019 where we’d gone to see the live action remake of Aladdin; a perfect choice for us given that our wedding song happens to have been “A Whole New World” from the original animated movie. Who knew it’d end up being the last movie we’d go to for the next three and a half years.
In our early years of dating and then eventually marriage, Rich and I would go to the movies, almost weekly, especially during the era of “Toonie Tuesdays”; Christmas day was also a no-brainer for us where we would often do a double feature.
We met back in 1990 while working together at a popular videostore (I’ve said it many times before but for those who don’t know, Rich was my Manager!). We loved movies (also why we chose our wedding song from a movie). Movies bonded us right from the moment we met (and for the next 20 plus years when Rich went on to work in the home entertainment industry our home would always be overflowing with VHS cassette tapes and DVD’s from every genre of film; at one time we probably had 1000’s). But eventually, a few years after we married, kids and other commitments came along, making it more difficult for us to break free from reality and escape any time we felt like it into a world of make-believe at the theater (those VHS tapes and DVD’s certainly came in handy).
And then, by 2014, just as we were starting to enter a new phase of our lives where our kids were now old enough to stay home by themselves (well, 2 of them at least) and we no longer needed to book a babysitter in advance so that we could enjoy a date night (or a lazy Sunday afternoon), my illness erupted, posing a whole new set of obstacles for me, and in turn for Rich too; going to a movie theater being one of them. I lost interest in going to the movies and found (and still find) that movie theaters can be way too triggering for me and often fill me with such anxiety, taking my mind to a very dark and dismal place, instead of a place to escape reality and entertain me. So Rich, who still really enjoyed going to see movies, would take a kid instead (he’s also no stranger to going by himself from time to time). Sometimes I’d tag along if it was a “light, brainless movie”, but it’s been very few and far between.
Lots has changed since the last time we went to a movie together (besides the obvious), just the two of us; three and a half years ago while the girls were away at camp (no clue exactly where Jacob was at the time) so when Rich received a Cineplex gift card from friends of ours for his birthday knowing how much he enjoyed going to the movies, he immediately had the perfect movie in mind, and even though it wasn’t to be released for another 7 weeks following his birthday, he knew it would also be an enticing way to get me back into the theater after so long and well worth the wait. Yesterday that wait was finally over and it seemed like a perfectly, uneventful, rainy, New Year’s Day afternoon to use his gift card.
There was a level of excitement brewing inside of me yesterday morning as I prepared myself to go to the theater after a quiet New Year’s Eve spent at home with some friends the night before. I was especially looking forward to sharing a big tub of movie popcorn smothered in butter with Rich (during the Pandemic my kids would often Uber Eats theater popcorn to our house; fun times LOL). But at the same time I was also quite nervous as I had hardly slept the night before, my anxiety was also brewing, tears were gearing up for the sound of music and to make matters even worse I’d been experiencing one of the worst, most unrelenting and unbearable flare-ups I’d felt in days from all my neurological issues (happy f*@*ing new year to me). I second guessed my decision and wasn’t quite sure that a very loud, darkened theater where I’d have to sit for over two hours was really the smartest move for me but I went anyways because well, the popcorn was calling my name and I LOVED Whitney Houston.
Her sudden death due to her addiction to drugs back in 2012 was such a tragic loss to the music world and fans like me. I still believe to this day that she probably had the greatest, most breathtaking voice of all time (tied with Celine Dion). I remember how excited I was the first time I got to see her in concert with some friends in the early 90’s at the CNE’s Exhibition Stadium (I’d spent the day with Rich at the Ex playing games and eating lots of food and then I met up with my friends afterwards to go see her in concert).
The movie did not disappoint and although I was exhausted, filled with anxiety, brain zaps and heart palpitations, tears flowing a mere ten minutes into the start of the film when Whitney (played by the fabulous Naomi Ackie) began singing her hit song “The Greatest Love of All”, I was restless and unable to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time due to my unbearable flare-up I was having (which has not relented for a good 24 hours now) and even though I also needed to muffle the loud and very amplified sounds echoing through the speakers around the theater by covering my ears throughout most of the movie, I really am proud of myself for going, for stepping outside my comfort zone (this is my life as I know it now) and for having the opportunity to see it on the big screen after a very lengthy hiatus!
I only wish there’d been a different ending to your story Whitney. You were such a beautiful soul who was surrounded by genuine love and people who truly cared about your wellbeing (sadly not everyone though). You had sold-out stadiums filled with people cheering you on, fighting along side you, wanting to see you continue to thrive and beat your battle with addiction. Unfortunately though, over time, your disease slowly took hold of your mind and body, controlling your every move and pushing those who genuinely loved and truly cared about you further away. The demons you were up against near the end of your life were so powerful and no longer allowed you to see your self-worth, or just how much more you still had left in you to offer to the world.
“I will always love you” Whitney Houston (The Bodyguard)
*if you or someone you know is battling with an addiction, help is available. You are not alone.
Describe what you wish to changeDig deep. What are some limiting beliefs you may have in this area? What about your mindset is holding you back?Reframe this limiting belief and write an empowering affirmation for each area. Write what you wish to experience in each area.
Yesterday afternoon I spent some quiet time readying myself for the new year by filling out the first 10 or so pages of my book; reflecting on my experiences in 2022, my accomplishments and where I hope to see myself in one year from today. This book offers me a safe space to set meaningful intentions, manifest my hopes and dreams, visualize my goals, embrace my emotions, create affirmations, prioritize my self-care and continue to focus on gratitude throughout the coming year.
List of things you’re proud of yourself for already doing
It was an emotional awakening for me as I wrote down some very personal thoughts, many of which I have never shared publicly, some I’ve never shared with anyone (I left many of those pages out in the pics I attatched) and given where my mindset and beliefs are at in the present moment after coming out off a year I described just days ago in my blog as the hardest/ toughest/ cruelest year of my life ever, it’s easy to see how this exercise brought up many unwanted feelings for me. (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2022/12/30/highlight-reel-its-been-a-year/).
Ideal life in present tense. Manifest it.
As 2022 comes to a close I am leaving behind toxic relationships in my life and those that no longer serve me well. I’m also leaving behind my constant need to please everyone, my fear of failure and hopefully the awful way in which I talk to myself. Instead I will try to focus on the things I want to do more of in 2023 like creating opportunities that fill me with purpose and passion, more hiking excursions and #summerofrich adventures, laughter, writing and most of all, learning how to love myself.
Day one of 2023
What do you want to do MORE of in 2023?
What do you no longer have space for in your life and want to leave behind in 2022?
Ok, so the verdict is in and it’s unanimous, 2022 has by far been the hardest/cruelest/toughest year of my life emotionally, physically and personally yet somehow I made it through and so too has my family. In some ways this year has made us stronger but in many other ways, it’s nearly torn us apart.
When I reflect back on the highlight reel of this past year in particular it makes me want to scream and cry even more. I question myself daily as to how did I actually make it through or how will I ever overcome all this and then there’s that million dollar question; what the heck am I still doing here?
To be honest, I don’t have any answers right now. All I am focused on at this very moment is how much I really truly dread this time of year. It’s the time of year where most people look at it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a time to set big goals and New Year’s resolutions; something I vowed never to do again several years ago (see Blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2017/12/14/new-years-resolutions-when-suffering-with-depression/). I learned long ago not to make promises to myself I know I can’t keep (can you spell D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R?)! Instead I’ve tried making smaller, more attainable goals each day which is a far more effective way to create progress in your life; rather than taking one giant leap head first (as someone battling major depression and severe anxiety, my goals some days may seem very trivial to some but to me they are huge!).
So as the clock quickly counts down to the start of 2023 I’m also feeling the pressure mounting inside my head and from society too that with the onset of any new calendar year comes the belief that 2023 (or 2022, or 2021 or 2020 or 2019 or 2018 or 2017 or 2016 or 2015; you catch my drift, right?) will be “my year” and that things are going to only get better from here. Trust me when I say, that’s a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to, let alone someone whose brain is still trying to figure out the answers to the questions I mentioned above. Sadly, a new year does not equate to someone’s mental health challenges magically disappearing and as you can see by my track record for almost a decade now, it’s hard to even imagine.
I plan on taking baby steps into the new year as I continue tredding on very thin ice right now and desperately trying not to fall through its cracks. 2022 has undeniably been the hardest/cruelest/toughest year of my life so as I head into the new year I will begin by seeking out the answers as to what can go right in my life as opposed to what more can go wrong. I will continue to show my vulnerability to the world and I will continue to focus on my purpose, lead with kindness and reflect on all the amazing gifts I have to offer others.
2022 may have won this battle, but at least for now it hasn’t won the war. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. I’ve put up a pretty good fight this year and maybe that and that alone should be the highlight of my year.
Thank you again for continuing to come along with me on this crazy ride. And to all the extra-special people in my life, thank you for always listening without judgment, helping me (and my family) without conditions, respecting my boundaries, understanding with empathy and loving me no matter what, even when I don’t feel so lovable.
Wishing everyone love, light and a peaceful new year.
Go ahead and reach out to someone who has genuinely made your year more fulfilling, inspired you in some small way or changed your life for the better in 2022 (it doesn’t have to be just 1 person!).
Thank you to everyone who has continued to support me on my journey this past year. It has meant the world to me. Having you in my life makes this journey a whole lot less lonely. I am forever grateful and truly blessed.
YouAreEnough 
You must be logged in to post a comment.