Category: Stigma

Quoting John Lennon

You’ve probably heard this famous quote by John Lennon before, you know the one where he sings to his beautiful boy that “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”, a quote that seems to have become a self-contradiction in my own life. And what better time of year to reflect upon this quote than the beginning of a new year when everyone around you is busy making plans, setting new goals and looking toward their future.

You see making plans, setting goals and looking toward the future have not been an easy feat for me over the last 4+ years and that is why during this time of year I have stopped pressuring myself to do so because well you can probably figure the reasons out for yourselves by now (see blog New Year’s Resolutions & Depression, Dec 14, 2017). Sure I may do all those things on the exterior to give my life a false sense of direction or purpose but in doing so, it only seems to backfire leaving me feeling a further perception of hopelessness and failure.

This New Year’s is one that I won’t soon forget that’s for sure. While getting ready for bed the other night and anticipating the final day of 2018 both my husband and I simultaneously fell ill with an acute stomach bug (we are so insync!) that kept us up for the remainder of the night and asleep for the remainder of 2018. Such is life and there was nothing either of us could do about it but accept it for what it was; a very shitty end to a very shitty year (but at least I didn’t have to feel guilty this time for ruining our New Year’s plans all by myself since he was an equal participant!).

If I have learned anything throughout my journey it’s that life is so unpredictable and some things are just beyond our control and ya basically “life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans”. When I reflect upon the last 24+ hours I simply just want to laugh until I can cry no more. How am I supposed to feel any type of positive emotions as we move into 2019 when I continue to feel like I’m always being punched in the stomach (which is ironically how I do feel right now from having the flu)?

I just want so badly to believe that this was not another evil or cruel sign of what’s to come as the new year begins. I just want so badly to believe others when they offered their kind words and support yesterday, wanting me to believe that it is not another evil or cruel sign but instead a sign of a new beginning, a fresh start, a cleanse if you will. I just want so badly to feel hopeful as the new year begins and I just want so badly to believe in myself again. Is that really too much to ask knowing that life is going to continue to happen no matter what plans we try and make?

I Bought Myself A Present

It may very well just be another one of the latest fads or gimmicks or maybe it’s just another aesthetically pleasing decorative piece that sits on your desk at work, your fireplace mantel or on your bedside table collecting dust but either way I figured I have nothing left to lose so I bought myself a Pink Himalayan Salt Lamp.

A Himalayan Salt Lamp is a hand-carved solid block of Himalayan pink salt crystals which have been hollowed out to allow for a light bulb to be placed inside in order to release heat and light. The lamp’s intended purpose is not that of an ordinary lamp because the chunks of salt are meant to produce negative ions and releases many positive effects on indoor air which may help to enhance your quality of sleep, reduce cold and asthma symptoms, purify and cleanse the air, raise your energy level, and its pinkish glow is said to help reduce anxiety and produce a calming feeling which of course can be very therapeutic and mood enhancing.

I have found myself struggling to write lately as I have been even more distracted than usual and my mind is beyond cluttered so I decided to place my new lamp in the most central part of my home for now where I spend the most time and where I do most of my writing and I also figured this way everyone else could benefit from it as well.

At the end of the day it’s probably not going to cure my mental health issues but after a few days of it sitting on top of my fireplace mantel I was able to find a way to start writing these words (even if only for a moment) and maybe just maybe it will one day (sooner than later) help me to replace the toxic blue light source I so fondly depend on until the wee hours of the night with its beautiful pink light source in order for me to get a good night’s sleep.

Neurofeedback Results; My Brain is Stuck & Exhausted

It’s been just over a week since I went for my Neurofeedback Assessment and had scheduled my follow up appointment for today.  It gave me an entire week to talk myself out of going to the appointment, ruminating and incessantly telling myself “what’s the point?”  In my mind this is just going to be another failed attempt at my recovery, another reason for self-doubt and another cause to lose more hope.  But the problem was that I had scheduled the appointment specifically around my husband’s work schedule so that he could come with me which basically meant that there was no turning back.

Upon arriving at the clinic we met with one of the resident psychologists in a room with a very large tv screen on the wall that had larger than life pictures of my brain patterns on it.  He first began by presenting us with a great deal of clinical psychological and neuroscience mumble jumble information which too was displayed on the tv screen. Some of the information brought back memories of psychology 101 in University, but much of it went way over my head.  Once he switched focus to the screens which centered on my own personal results and were clearly labeled (for us regular folk) did it begin to sink in.

The results essentially showed that my brain is stuck and exhausted!  I could have told you that but probably not in such clinical terms! My “z-scores” (google it, I’m too exhausted to even try to explain properly) which indicates how many “standard deviations” an element is from the mean showed to be far greater than the norm in every category (too many categories to list).  They could also see from my brain patterns several reasons why traditional treatment with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications have not been successful.

All of the results in their eyes were a “win-win” for potential success using Neurofeedback training to help with my recovery.  As they had mentioned last week to me they would like to start with 10 sessions and then re-evaluate my progress with 2 additional brain scans and compare them to the original results to see how I am doing in a clinical sense at that point.  They originally felt 2 sessions a week would be okay but upon calculation of the results they would prefer I try and start with 3 a week instead (which is very overwhelming).

Of course having my husband with me today meant that these appointments were to be on the calendar before leaving the clinic because my overwhelming hesitation and lack of decision making skills he saw on my face would have resulted in me walking out of there ruminating and incessantly telling myself “what’s the point?” right through to the New Year.  But instead, as of right now, Saturday January 5, 2019 has officially become my new “New Year’s Day”.

All I Want For Christmas…

Okay so maybe I don’t actually celebrate Christmas but who amongst us that doesn’t hasn’t at one time or another in their lives dreamt that they did?  I’m pretty sure that at some point in your childhood you wished that you were baking cookies for Santa Claus and leaving them for him to enjoy with a tall glass of milk or maybe you’ve dreamt of waking up on Christmas morning and running downstairs to open all the beautifully wrapped presents underneath the perfectly decorated tree that Santa left for you while you lay all snug in your bed.

But here’s the truth though, no matter how much many of us may exude with happiness and good cheer during the holiday season or get caught up in the Hollywood fantasies, only seeing the world around them in the colours green and red, there are many, many more of us who only see this time of year in the colour blue.  It doesn’t mean that you are by any means a “Scrooge”, it most likely means that the holiday season may intensify your already fragile being. And even though I don’t celebrate Christmas I find that this time of the year is particularly triggering for me so you can only imagine how someone like myself who is suffering with depression and anxiety may feel when they are in the throes of it all.

This time of the year places a lot of increased and sometimes unrealistic demands on people both emotionally and financially and many of us succumb to the pressure of it all leaving little to no time to take care of ourselves.  And then there are those of us who may also be feeling especially lonely and vulnerable as well.

For me my triggers aren’t necessarily about the increased obligations or the financial demands, it’s more about an inner loneliness and vulnerability amplified by the sights and sounds of the holiday season that precipitate many happy and sad memories and emotions.

Either way, if someone you know is suffering with depression and anxiety this holiday season make sure to show them extra kindness, reassurance and understanding.  Help them by acknowledging their feelings (not ignoring them) and be cognizant as to how difficult it may be for them to commit to or participate in the overwhelming, pre-planned commitments with family and friends.

If they aren’t able to be with you for the holidays make sure to reach out to them in other ways and letting them know you are thinking of them.  And remember that if they do join in on some of the festivities and are seemingly enjoying themselves it does not take away from the fact that like myself, they too are probably “smiling through their depression” (see blog; When Depression Smiles, June 10, 2018) and still in need of that extra kindness, reassurance and understanding.

We have all heard the saying before “Christmas is the season of giving, not receiving”.  And giving someone a small token of your love who may be suffering during the holiday season or maybe even a small gift that shows that extra bit of kindness or reassurance and understanding can really help them transition through it a little bit easier and a little bit more comfortably.  So why not try a token or gift that shows all that and more; a token or gift of self-care. This may include; an inspiring adult colouring book; a massage; some essential oils or lotions to help relax the mind and body; some beautifully scented candles; a salt lamp; a journal or book of healing or maybe even a comfy pair of pyjamas or fluffy socks.  And I bet that as you are reading this Santa and his elves are busy at the North Pole right now wrapping up lots of these presents for your loved ones helping to make this holiday season a little bit brighter and a little bit gentler for everyone.

Should I Keep Writing?

As if the last few weeks have not been difficult and confusing enough for me while I continue to question and contemplate every aspect of my life right down to my own self-worth and reasons to live to then suddenly and unexpectedly become the victim of a very unwelcomed, unsolicited and totally disturbing message of a sexual nature from someone I once considered a friend.

Upon first glance I thought I had been hacked until I re-read the content of the message a few more times and realized it was 100 percent real and I was in complete and utter shock. I was afraid and embarrassed to show it to my husband for fear of what he would do upon reading it, but after becoming so visibly shaken and totally upset it was difficult for me not to share it.

The definition of sexual harassment can encompass many things and included in that definition are “unwanted messages, or materials of a sexual nature, unwanted sexual teasing, jokes, remarks and questions about a person’s personal sex life, as well as sexual comments, sexual innuendos or stories and asking someone about their sexual fantasies, preferences or history”. These are only a glimpse into the many interpretations of what falls under the definition of sexual harassment but I chose to just share with you the ones that have affected me directly.

Since I began sharing my journey with you as openly and honestly as I can 2 years ago (yup time flies) it has been met with a lot of mixed emotions on my part. My hope from the very beginning was that in sharing my experiences with you I would be able to help others who may be struggling in silence (or at a whisper) to feel less alone, to feel that it’s okay to not be okay, to feel like someone is listening, to feel like someone understands them and to feel like they can start talking above that whisper. And as difficult as it has been for me to share many of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with you, I know that I have accomplished my mission by the outpouring of messages I receive each week. And I also know that together we are helping to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Writing has forced me to see and feel things I could have never imagined before I began blogging, much of which has been positive and some of which has not. Before I began blogging I would journal a lot for myself (which is a very therapeutic exercise) and I still do so today by keeping track of things that I feel I cannot share with others. However my intentions for writing my blog seem to have somehow been misconstrued by someone this week as their right to give me uninvited, hurtful, distasteful and disturbing “advice”.

I have now spent the last few days questioning everything I say, everything I feel and everything I write. Did my blogging somehow elicit this behaviour or did I somehow “ask” for “it” by the content I discuss? Maybe I’m being too sensitive? Maybe I deserved it? Why am I feeling so ashamed and embarrassed and guilty? Why can’t I just get over it and move on, as it’s over, it’s been dealt with and yet here I am writing about how maybe I shouldn’t write again for fear of being taken advantage of again or for fear that I am harming others or for fear that people are misreading, misinterpreting or misunderstanding my intentions? Why does everything always seem to hurt so badly?

My Brain Overload; Next Steps With Neurofeedback

I hear from others all the time how brave I am, how courageous I am or how strong I am as I continue to fight my way back to who I used to be but the thing is (as I am sure you can probably predict what I am about to say by now) I don’t feel any of those things and with each passing day or each new roadblock I feel like it is just a losing battle.  It has been a very emotional, confusing and extremely exhausting week thus far and my brain is in complete overload which has begun to spill over into my physical well-being too.

As I mentioned in my last blog (Dr. Phil Update; 12.9.18) I feel like I’ve been let down at this point by the Healthcare System in Ontario and the resources available to someone like myself who is suffering with a treatment resistant major depressive & severe anxiety disorder.  Being labeled “treatment resistant” in Ontario I have recently (and sadly) discovered that if an antidepressant pill can’t “fix” me or if I am no longer willing to risk my physical well-being from the dreadful and often times frightening side effects I endured for two and a half years (with no mental relief) then therefore I should no longer be treated by our Healthcare System (apparently not even for safety purposes), one that every Ontario citizen has the lawful right to.

So instead as you know I have had to take desperate steps toward finding alternative treatments that are not covered by our government which of course now comes with an entirely new set of emotions and after weeks, if not months of research I am beginning that next chapter in my journey as I mentioned the other day as well, feeling anything but brave, courageous or strong.

On Monday, I met with a Neurofeedback specialist, along with my husband to learn more about the treatment, what exactly was involved in it and if it was even something I could try.  This treatment has intrigued me for quite a while now and even though my negative inner self-talking shithead voice tells me “don’t waste your time or your money because you’re a failure, your helpless, your hopeless and most definitely worthless” I was encouraged to learn more anyway.

For those of you who don’t know “Neurofeedback is an evidence-based treatment to help regulate electrical brainwave activity to reduce the severity of symptoms.”  Neurofeedback actually dates back to the 1960’s and has proven results for improving symptoms in both adults and children suffering with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, OCD, Epilepsy, Autism, Strokes and much more including chronic pain associated with Migraines and Fibromyalgia.

“Neurofeedback gives the subject information about their brainwave patterns.  Electrodes attached to the surface of the head (non-invasively) are used to record and analyze brainwave activity in real-time.  As the Neurofeedback training occurs, the brain is rewarded with visual and audio feedback when it displays optimal functioning. The brain learns to grow, adapt and improve the flexibility of its processing.  Over time, the client learns what it feels like to be calm, focused, relaxed and alert and eventually learns to regulate their brainwave patterns easier to match the demands of many different situations.” (info from Neuropotential Clinic pamphlet)

Okay so that’s probably enough of a Science/Psychology lesson for today.  While meeting with a Psychologist on Monday I was asked some overall questions relative to my situation and how they could help me.  Little did I know how much of a brain overload I was in because I spent a good part of the hour crying as I talked about some very sensitive topics.  And as with anything in life there are no guarantees, they listened intently to my story but at no point in time did they make me any guarantees that this is the treatment that will finally push my recovery into full swing.  They did however ensure me that they have several other treatments they can try in the future though.

With the information we received we then decided to proceed to the next step which was to come back for a complete assessment with the Clinical Psychologist who oversees all treatments (well my husband by this point made the decision because had I been left to decide, that same negative inner self-talking shithead voice would have overpowered me).  So I met with them today for an hour and a half, going through my entire history as he made notes as to what the focus of my treatment should be. I then was hooked up to the EEG machine where I was asked to first sit still for 10 minutes with my eyes closed, then another 10 minutes with my eyes open while focusing on one object or focal point (that was not an easy task) as they recorded my brain patterns.  This is in order for them to then sit down and examine the results, comparing my brain to a healthy 47 year old female brain (I’m not sure why they kept needing to know if I’m right or left handed??) and determine a treatment plan.

They recommend about 40 sessions 2 to 3 times per week and will keep me involved every step of the way and consult with my own therapist when needed as well.  If after about 8 to 10 treatments they determine through a re-evaluation that it is not working for me then treatment will be seized immediately and possibly try something else.  So for now I will await the results and treatment plan next week and go from there. I will be sure to keep you posted, even though you may be busy sunbathing on the beach somewhere in Jamaica or Mexico by then.

Dr. Phil Update

In several of my blogs and posts to Social Media recently I have made mention of Dr. Phil and a plea for his help in finding me a suitable and alternative treatment plan to the many I have already tried and yes in my own words “failed” at.

What my husband and I have both witnessed and experienced in the last couple of weeks has put me at my all-time lowest point since my journey began nearly 5 years ago.  The worthlessness and hopelessness I feel right now after being told by several mental health professionals recently that unless I want to take a “pill” there is nothing more they can do for me.  But you know who would never tell me that, you guessed it; Dr. Phil because he believes in treating each unique individual and not the overall disease (and not just in cases of depression).

I have no shame in telling you that for many years now I have had my PVR set to tape Dr. Phil daily (trust me I’ve admitted a lot worse things to you before).  My husband dozes off several nights a week to the soothing sound of Dr. Phil’s voice. (LOL) I know there are a lot of skeptics and critics out there when it comes to Dr. Phil but I truly believe that he along with his team of experts have helped countless individuals and families with some very serious and sometimes life-threatening struggles over the last 17 years on air.

As I have mentioned as well in some of my most recent blogs is that I have been researching and consulting with many alternative treatment programs and services much of which stem from the education I have received watching Dr. Phil and his team of experts and much of which doesn’t exist in Canada but is slowly making its way cross the border.

To be honest just in case you were wondering, I never really saw myself actually going on the Dr. Phil Show as a guest and really my shoutouts and pleas were mostly in jest (and a cry for help) but because I have the most incredible support from friends and strangers alike my chance to be on his show felt very close to becoming a reality this week.  A friend of mine had recently met a gentleman who was in town visiting their mutual friend and when she heard my plea’s she immediately reached out to her friend’s friend who lives in LA and happens to be amongst the Hollywood limelight. As soon as she told him my story, without hesitation he made one phone call and that phone call happened to be to his good friend and one of Dr. Phil’s producers.

Upon hearing this I immediately felt like I was gonna puke because this seemingly innocent plea was quickly turning into a reality.  His friend and producer told him that he would be more than happy to personally “walk my letter right to the powers that be”. He then told him that although I have a powerful story to tell and one that would pull at Dr. Phil’s heartstrings it really isn’t the right genre for it.

For those of you who do watch Dr. Phil (whether you care to admit it or not) his show in the world of tabloid Talk Show’s is what they call a “conflict show” and although there is plenty of conflict in my life when it comes to my treatment and recovery, there is no definitive conflict among those closest to me who may in some way be trying to interfere in my care or may be a detriment to ensuring I get the best care possible.  I guess I should be thankful that my husband and I don’t belong on an episode of Jerry Springer throwing furniture at each other!

So I’m sorry to disappoint all of my supporters and “fans” but there will be no physical appearance for me on The Dr. Phil Show (not unless we can ham it up for the audience), but the thing is Dr. Phil has subconsciously been helping me from the backstage so to speak. It’s because of him that I have been spending several weeks and months researching and educating myself in the world of science and in the world of alternative medicine and treatments.  As I said before, Dr. Phil believes in training and healing the brain and works very closely with his mentor Dr. Lawlis who has proven time and time again that it’s not only possible but more than probable to do so as well.

So tomorrow my husband and I will be taking Dr. Phil’s advice along with our endless research on healing the brain to the next level as we sit down for a consultation with a Neurofeedback specialist.  I will keep you posted.

NEGATIVE ONLINE REVIEWS; TWO THUMBS DOWN

Before making a big purchase (or any size for that matter) for something like a brand new car, or before booking your dream vacation you’ve been saving up for all year or even before deciding to spend $50 at the movies on the latest blockbuster release that you’ve been anxiously waiting to see for months; many of us turn to the internet first to check out their online reviews.

It’s our natural instinct and frankly our prerogative to do so especially nowadays when with just the click of a button you have the whole world at your fingertips.  Also, who wouldn’t want to read some reviews first before deciding whether or not this is the right product or service for you, especially when you may potentially be about to spend a lot of your hard earned money on it.  But what happens when those reviews turn out to be mostly negative ones?

It’s every businesses nightmare, getting negative feedback from dissatisfied customers, clients or even patients.  An online review has the potential to destroy a business in that same click of a button that we use to seek out those comments, but at the same time they may also have the potential to help a business to flourish too.  So who do you listen to?

When scrolling through and reading each comment we are more likely to re-read the negative ones and trust them to be more credible even if we want so badly to believe the positive ones as well, but we often become clouded by all the negativity.  Online reviews are very subjective and circumstantial for no two people are the same and no two experiences are the exact same either so it’s always best to have an open mind while reading them.

The thing is my mind only sees, feels and hears negativity and this week I have been researching and consulting with many potential inpatient treatment centers and other services only to become more and more overwhelmed as I sift through the 100’s of reviews.  I want so badly to believe in that one positive review, the one that could potentially save my life but instead I only see the possibility for failure.

I’ve tried reading between the lines or only reading reviews that are prevalent to my situation but many of these reviews I actually know to have the potential to be true as I have experienced some of it with my own two eyes.  It’s very easy to post a review and how do I know if that one raving 5 star review isn’t from the director or owner’s own mother; like come on, you know you would do it for your own kid anyday! But when you continue to see a lot of commonalities in the tone of the comments, good or bad, it becomes more confusing, more frustrating and even more overwhelming.

I have been literally hanging on by the end of my rope the last couple of weeks and feeling completely helpless at this point and these reviews of potential life-changing treatments and services (most of which are not in Canada and would cost a lot of money, even the ones in Canada would too) has been all I can focus on right now which of course just sets me up for further anxiety and sadness.

So I’m putting it out there and asking you for your input and I beg the question (literally); which reviews do you believe and which ones do you take with a grain of salt?  I mean I’ve read enough horrible reviews on restaurants or blockbuster movies only to come out of them having thoroughly enjoyed my experience, but none of that is gonna lead to a healthier, happier me.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS

I second guess every aspect of my life, I’m apprehensive about everything I do or say and I most definitely can’t make a decision if my life depended on it, which for me these days feels like it actually may.

Every day we probably face having to make 100’s of decisions, many of which may be in our subconscious.  Some mornings we might wake up and wonder which pair of shoes should I choose to wear with my new outfit today or maybe we can’t decide whether or not we should make chicken or hamburgers for dinner and sometimes we may find ourselves debating between which Netflix series we should start binge watching next.

Of course none of these decisions I mentioned are in any way life threatening to you or your loved ones and are actually quite frivolous to most of us, but when you suffer with depression and anxiety like I do even the most microscopic decisions can seem catastrophic.

Decision-making is a form of problem-solving which is a very important skill to have in helping us reach the best possible resolution or at least an adequate one but for me it can be pure torture mostly due to my negative self-talk, indecisiveness and fear.  I can best describe my decision-making skills to being that of a contestant on the popular game show “Let’s Make A Deal” where he or she is offered a notable prize by the host but then must make the decision as to whether or not they walk away with that prize or trade it in for what is hidden behind curtain number 1, 2 or 3.  Not knowing whether or not their decision to “roll the dice” may afford them with an even better prize like a trip to Hawaii, they are often seen walking away with such disappointment when they end up choosing the curtain with nothing more than a pet donkey behind it.

That is exactly how I feel each and every time I need to make a decision, I feel like an ass!  I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, clouded by harmful and pessimistic thinking and that my poor judgement will have some kind of a future negative impact on me and whomever may be involved.  It can be the simplest decision that I need to make and it will still cause me pain, confusion and panic which is why I often leave the decision-making process up to others to avoid the overwhelming regret that overpowers me.

Sometimes I try to just go with my first instinct too but quickly the negative self-talk, indecisiveness and fear set in.  This past week has been extremely overwhelming and I am now faced with having to make some pretty “big” life altering decisions which is only creating more anxiety and further sadness for me.  My cognitive ability to perceive or to read information clearly is fogged by irrational thoughts, poor judgment and the inability to think about anything other than failure. So I’m asking for your help in my decision-making process which is ‘do you think I should go this way or that way?’

I Don’t Think I Can Get More Honest Than This

I DON’T THINK I CAN BE MORE HONEST THAN THIS

*Sensitive and Triggering Content*

I did something the other day that I shouldn’t have.  I ingested something the other day that I shouldn’t have (a lot of something).  But let me explain myself first, you see I had a very good reason to, even if you don’t believe that could possibly be true, but you see, my illness made me do it.

Less than 24 hours earlier I found myself going through the motions yet again in another hospital emergency room, the one hospital that I had been trying to avoid as it is the one that I have spent close to 5 months in throughout my journey and I have many triggering panic attacks from my time there (but lucky for me I have lost an entire month of my memory due to having electric shock therapy during one of those stays).  The triggers can be as simple as a smell or even some type of noise but as I discovered about a week ago it can even be associated with certain elevators, the kind that is that actually vocalizes which floor you are arriving at.

The hospital was of course quite busy and we had to wait a while to register but once I did so I was accompanied to a quieter area in the emergency room.  I know the drill very well by now. Once inside the room my anxiety went from zero to a hundred within minutes (well I am never really ever entirely at zero when it comes to my anxiety).  I had agreed prior to going there that maybe it was the best option for me as I was very familiar with the hospital and I knew what to expect but in those first brief moments sitting in the room I realized I was wrong and every single one of those triggers came flooding through my body.  The smells, the noises, the recent fear of those elevators, the nurses I despise and the reality that they have been unsuccessful in helping me before.

I know, I know, it’s not about all that, it’s about my safety, but I didn’t care, it’s too anxiety provoking.  The nurse who was under my care felt the panic in my bones and made me promise to at least stay to talk with the doctor and so I did.  I spoke with him for quite a while, he listened and asked a lot of questions, none that I haven’t heard a million times before. I answered all of his questions honestly and then told him I honestly need to go home and he agreed to let me go, even after telling him I had active thoughts of harming myself.  He did do one other thing though before letting me leave, he called the outpatient crisis department to set me up with one of their psychiatrists to meet with later in the week, but you see when they called me I was told that since I am no longer on medication and will not even entertain the thought of taking one more medication again due to the 20 others I’ve tried and failed at miserably, they will not see me (which is basically the only thing the inpatient department would have tried to do as well).

So now we arrive back to Wednesday afternoon, an afternoon where I had a migraine from spending the entire night before crying and realizing that I will never get better, that I am a failure and helpless and that there is nothing else that can be done for me unless I can afford private institutions where they don’t push medication but instead help you heal your brain with other methods, most of which don’t exist in Canada.  So that was when I did something I shouldn’t have and that is when I ingested something I shouldn’t have.

The pain was just too unbearable, all my effort I’ve put into to healing, all for what?  The thing is, nothing happened, even my migraine didn’t go away and I felt like a failure yet again so I carried on as business as usual for most of the night until the pain in my stomach became excruciating and the nausea insufferable which is when my husband realized what I had done, called poison control and carted me off to the nearby emergency room where I was treated and then eventually put on a mental health hold for up to 72 hours in another room, surrounded by security guards with only a hospital gown and cold bed to lay my head on while I anxiously awaited for morning until I could see the psychiatrist and get me the fuck out of there.

They gave me something to sleep, but I only slept for an hour and a half and just kept watching for the crisis team to arrive.  They eventually did, not even quite sure what time it was because I had no phone or clock, but I was thankful when they did. This hospital, along with the one I was at the night before, have a great deal of history on me in file so at least we could skip most of the preliminary questions this time.  I spoke honestly once again (although this time was post active suicidal thoughts) and once again I said I just need to go home. They too discussed the whole medicine part of their job as that is what hospitals in Ontario do. We discussed how I am desperately trying to pursue alternative treatments and they fully supported it and told me I should find somewhere to go in the States.

So home is where I am for now, and last night I did the even more unthinkable (Not in a harmful way this time), my husband and I reached out to @Dr.Phil’s team.  Yup desperate times call for desperate measures. My husband has already picked out his suit and happy socks he wants to wear when he gets the call, and when my kids find out about this I’m pretty sure they will probably go into hiding, well maybe after a trip to L.A that is!