It’s been just over a week since I went for my Neurofeedback Assessment and had scheduled my follow up appointment for today. It gave me an entire week to talk myself out of going to the appointment, ruminating and incessantly telling myself “what’s the point?” In my mind this is just going to be another failed attempt at my recovery, another reason for self-doubt and another cause to lose more hope. But the problem was that I had scheduled the appointment specifically around my husband’s work schedule so that he could come with me which basically meant that there was no turning back.
Upon arriving at the clinic we met with one of the resident psychologists in a room with a very large tv screen on the wall that had larger than life pictures of my brain patterns on it. He first began by presenting us with a great deal of clinical psychological and neuroscience mumble jumble information which too was displayed on the tv screen. Some of the information brought back memories of psychology 101 in University, but much of it went way over my head. Once he switched focus to the screens which centered on my own personal results and were clearly labeled (for us regular folk) did it begin to sink in.
The results essentially showed that my brain is stuck and exhausted! I could have told you that but probably not in such clinical terms! My “z-scores” (google it, I’m too exhausted to even try to explain properly) which indicates how many “standard deviations” an element is from the mean showed to be far greater than the norm in every category (too many categories to list). They could also see from my brain patterns several reasons why traditional treatment with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications have not been successful.
All of the results in their eyes were a “win-win” for potential success using Neurofeedback training to help with my recovery. As they had mentioned last week to me they would like to start with 10 sessions and then re-evaluate my progress with 2 additional brain scans and compare them to the original results to see how I am doing in a clinical sense at that point. They originally felt 2 sessions a week would be okay but upon calculation of the results they would prefer I try and start with 3 a week instead (which is very overwhelming).
Of course having my husband with me today meant that these appointments were to be on the calendar before leaving the clinic because my overwhelming hesitation and lack of decision making skills he saw on my face would have resulted in me walking out of there ruminating and incessantly telling myself “what’s the point?” right through to the New Year. But instead, as of right now, Saturday January 5, 2019 has officially become my new “New Year’s Day”.