DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS

I second guess every aspect of my life, I’m apprehensive about everything I do or say and I most definitely can’t make a decision if my life depended on it, which for me these days feels like it actually may.

Every day we probably face having to make 100’s of decisions, many of which may be in our subconscious.  Some mornings we might wake up and wonder which pair of shoes should I choose to wear with my new outfit today or maybe we can’t decide whether or not we should make chicken or hamburgers for dinner and sometimes we may find ourselves debating between which Netflix series we should start binge watching next.

Of course none of these decisions I mentioned are in any way life threatening to you or your loved ones and are actually quite frivolous to most of us, but when you suffer with depression and anxiety like I do even the most microscopic decisions can seem catastrophic.

Decision-making is a form of problem-solving which is a very important skill to have in helping us reach the best possible resolution or at least an adequate one but for me it can be pure torture mostly due to my negative self-talk, indecisiveness and fear.  I can best describe my decision-making skills to being that of a contestant on the popular game show “Let’s Make A Deal” where he or she is offered a notable prize by the host but then must make the decision as to whether or not they walk away with that prize or trade it in for what is hidden behind curtain number 1, 2 or 3.  Not knowing whether or not their decision to “roll the dice” may afford them with an even better prize like a trip to Hawaii, they are often seen walking away with such disappointment when they end up choosing the curtain with nothing more than a pet donkey behind it.

That is exactly how I feel each and every time I need to make a decision, I feel like an ass!  I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, clouded by harmful and pessimistic thinking and that my poor judgement will have some kind of a future negative impact on me and whomever may be involved.  It can be the simplest decision that I need to make and it will still cause me pain, confusion and panic which is why I often leave the decision-making process up to others to avoid the overwhelming regret that overpowers me.

Sometimes I try to just go with my first instinct too but quickly the negative self-talk, indecisiveness and fear set in.  This past week has been extremely overwhelming and I am now faced with having to make some pretty “big” life altering decisions which is only creating more anxiety and further sadness for me.  My cognitive ability to perceive or to read information clearly is fogged by irrational thoughts, poor judgment and the inability to think about anything other than failure. So I’m asking for your help in my decision-making process which is ‘do you think I should go this way or that way?’

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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