Category: Self Care

Depression Is Not A Choice

I never really liked multiple choice exams in school. The answers were rarely straightforward and more often than not they were quite confusing even if the answer may have been staring you right in the face. We all make choices in our daily lives, some are more straightforward and less confusing than others but there are many choices that are actually out of our control no matter how much some ignorant or judgmental assholes may try and debate it.

You see, our sexual orientation, our gender identity, our race or the development of a disability, disease or MENTAL ILLNESS are all things that we do not choose in life but may sadly make our lives significantly more intolerable, oppressive and insufferable.

I know that mental illness is not a choice. You know how I know this? I know this because I have been battling with depression for the past 5 years and trust me when I tell you that nobody would ever choose to wake up every morning feeling broken or suicidal. I also know that I do not choose my thoughts, that my depression does that for me.

What I have also come to learn throughout my battle with depression is that because it is not a choice I understand that it is not “all in my head” therefore it is not something that I can just “snap out of it”. I do not choose to look weak to others, come across as being lazy or use it as an excuse either. Depression is very real and can seriously affect us all when our brains are in a constant feud with our heart.

And even though depression is not a choice, those suffering with it or any other mental illness for that matter do have a choice when it comes to finding some coping mechanisms to help you manage through it. This can often be one of the most difficult parts of your journey because many of us are too afraid to ask for help when mental illness is still so stigmatized and we put so much blame on ourselves for even having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

But just remember that by choosing to open up to a loved one or by seeking professional help are both key to de-stigmatizing depression and enabling others to understand that the correct multiple choice answer would be: C) both A. and B. A) It is NOT a choice B) It is an illness.

Mental Health Check In

💔 💚 Social Media has made it very easy these days for us to hide our true thoughts and emotions from the rest of the world. In reality Social Media has more often than not become an edited highlight reel of someone’s life, often concealing our true self especially when we add all those fun features and filters to our posts. I get it, it’s our natural instinct to want to post only the parts of our life that exemplifies our success and happiness but it can be detrimental to our mental health and wellness when we are struggling or feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable. This week for me has been particularly challenging and emotionally exhausting but many of you may not see that when scrolling through my Social Media presence. I want any and all of you who may have also had a particularly challenging or emotionally exhausting week to know that #youarenotalone and that #itsoktonotbeok and that it’s also ok to sometimes show your vulnerable or overwhelmed true self(ie)to the world. 💔 💚

#mentalhealthcheckin #checkonyourlovedones #beyourself #speakyourtruth #courage #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough

Let’s Keep Talking (#BellLetsTalkDay)

Today is “Bell Let’s Talk Day” and for the last 10 years Bell Canada has been at the forefront of this advocacy program promoting “mental health education, research, awareness and ending social stigma”. Funds raised during “Bell Let’s Talk Day” (which is close to 100 million dollars since its conception in 2010) are distributed to a number of mental health organizations across Canada helping to make our great nation a stigma-free one.

Canadians are asked to get involved in Bell’s initiative today by simply doing what most of us do on any given day using a variety of social media platforms like Twitter. By tweeting the hashtag #bellletstalk or watching one of their “Bell Let’s Talk” videos being shared on Twitter, Bell will donate 5 cents. If you use one of their “Bell Let’s Talk” frames on Facebook or watch one of their official videos on Facebook or Instagram, Bell will again donate 5 cents to their campaign. Bell also asks that while on Snapchat today and you snap a picture that you use one of their “Bell Let’s Talk” filters in order for another 5 cents to be donated (teenagers alone could raise 100 million dollars by the amount of “snaps” they send in a day!). And finally for all Bell Canada customers who make a phone call or send a text message throughout today they will also donate 5 cents each time. Sounds pretty simple??

As many of you know by now if you read anything I post or blog about it would come as no surprise to you how passionate I am when it comes to mental health and how crucial it is for society to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. And if “Bell Let’s Talk Day” can help jumpstart just one more conversation, give just one more voice the courage to share their story, educate just one more person to understand the signs of mental illness, teach just one more person the importance of language and the words you choose, show kindness and tolerance toward others or to just learn how to become a better listener and ask the right questions, together will make a difference in so many lives.

Throughout the past several years as this campaign has grown in leaps and bounds I have heard more and more controversy surrounding the Corporation’s true objectives. But for me today I just want the focus to be about the many faces (and masks) of mental illness and how it can and does affect us all. It may not affect you directly but it shouldn’t matter if it’s your loved one who may be suffering, your friend, your neighbour or even your co-worker, all that matters is that we break their silence, shatter the stereotypes and end the stigma together! Happy tweeting everyone.

Misty Water-Coloured Memories

Seven years ago today we celebrated big time and I beamed with so much pride the entire day. Seven years ago today we celebrated the B’nai Mitzvah of Jacob and Hannah; the added bonus for those of the Jewish faith, brave enough or dumb enough (just kidding) to have a son and a daughter 1 year apart! It truly was a magical day, filled with so much love and gratitude while being surrounded by all our family and friends. Seven years ago today I was ME, or so I thought I was. I loved everything about that day and all the planning that went into making sure it was the best damn day of their lives thus far. And that’s exactly what it turned out to be for all of us and no matter what no one can ever take those memories away.

But today as I think back to that magical day seven years ago I’m met with a lot of unwanted emotions and sadness knowing how just over two years later our lives changed forever and I still don’t truly understand the how’s or the why’s of how or why I lost that ME. That ME now instead reflects back daily to the exact day and time “it” all began to unravel and nearly five years later I am still left trying to put all the pieces of my life back together in order to become that ME again. The problem is though that I’m discovering day by day if in fact that was the ME I was truly meant to be at all.

I know it certainly doesn’t solve anything to be constantly living in the past, rehashing the what if’s, the how come’s and the why’s especially knowing what little control you have now and most of which you can’t change. But that is what depression does to a person’s heart and soul; it plays cruel and heart-rending mind games on you, breaking you down to nothing and leaving very little energy for the important and happy memories.

Today just so happens to also be another “anniversary” of sorts. Two years ago today I began sharing my story by creating a blog. I had never written a blog before and all the writing I had done prior to its conception was purely for my own enjoyment but since that day 2 years ago I have now written well over 100 of them, sharing the most personal and intimate details of my life with you. By writing my blog it has allowed me explore many parts of ME that weren’t working before that fateful day and find some strength to accept some parts of ME that I have lost forever. So as I continue to share my most personal and intimate feelings with you which may include rehashing the what if’s, the how come’s and the why’s through my writing maybe it will steer me toward the ME I am truly meant to be.

 

My Weighted Blanket

The main objective of my writing as you probably know by now is to tell my story in as open and honest a way as possible in hopes of helping others who may be suffering with similar symptoms or diagnosis to know that they are not alone and that it’s okay to not be okay. In doing so I am also trying my best to help end the stigma associated with having a mental illness while navigating our loved ones and society as a whole into becoming more tolerant and accepting of people who may be battling such a complex disease.

From time to time this has included my own personal testimonies about products or services that have been helpful to me and of course the not so helpful ones as well. In no way are 2 people’s journeys the same and what can work for one person may definitely not work for someone else (if that were the case that magic pill or hospital admission would have cured me long ago). But either way I feel I need to give my anecdotal accounts in order to help guide others in some sort of direction especially when feeling like traditional treatments are not enough.

One of the biggest struggles I encounter on a daily basis (or nightly I should say) is due to severe anxiety which causes me to suffer from a massive amount of sleep deprivation and no matter what nothing seems to help. When I do eventually fall asleep it is not for long periods of time and it is usually disrupted hourly causing me to never feel refreshed in the morning. It has been suggested to me on several occasions by people in the mental health field that maybe I should purchase a weighted blanket to help regulate my sleep and nighttime anxiety.

I’ve been researching them online for some time now and I happen to follow many Hollywood influencers who promote certain brands of them as well but this week when someone actually took the time to give me their very own personal account backed up by the scientifically-based, therapeutic benefits of a weighted blanket did I decide that maybe it was time to try one for myself; afterall the information came directly from a real-life scientist. The underlying science behind these blankets is called Deep Touch Pressure (DTP) and by applying that deep touch pressure to one’s body helps increase the release of serotonin which promotes relaxation.

These blankets have become widely used for both children and adults alike suffering with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Sleep Deprivation as well as many other mental and physical ailments. I just started using my blanket and can’t say for sure that it will actually cure my anxiety or sleep deprivation but I can tell you that the blanket is so soft and cozy (even though it weighs a ton) and just being wrapped in it helps put some of my anxiety at ease. I don’t know why it does and I certainly don’t know how but any comfort I can get even if it’s for a short while is worth every penny. And you better watch out Kardashians because I may soon become your direct competition as the next big Hollywood Marketing Influencer!

Stop Calling It “Blue Monday”

Today being the third Monday in January is also known as “Blue Monday” and through a mathematical equation formulated by a Psychology Professor in 2005, he believes that the third Monday in January should be labeled as the most depressing day of the year. His calculations make sense on paper but there is absolutely no scientific proof that today, the third Monday in January be the most depressing day of the year.

Sure today just happens to be the coldest day of the year thus far at a whopping -30 with the windchill, but keep in mind that it is certainly not that cold everywhere in the world. And sure those Christmas bills have now piled up on your kitchen table, but again it certainly doesn’t apply to everyone around the world. And of course let us not forget that being three weeks into the new year probably means that many of us have already broken nearly all of our New Year’s resolutions by now. So ya, on paper this mathematical formula may seem quite depressing to many but at the same time it is also quite misleading and possibly harmful to anyone suffering with depression.

Yes this time of year can cause a seemingly healthy individual to have feelings of depression due to the bitter cold, dreary weather or the shortened amount of daylight hours but categorizing the third Monday in January as the most depressing day of the year feels like a slap in the face to someone like me. It is quite common for someone to be affected by S.A.D or Seasonal Affective Disorder (please see blog “”I’m S.A.D, The February Blues”; Feb. 14, 2018) but again to say that today is the most depressing day of the year makes me SAD as depression is not a one day occurance like “World Chocolate Day” or “International Puppy Day”.

Take it from someone who is suffering with depression and know that it is an ongoing battle that can hit you at anytime and does not just come and go because we failed our attempt to start a diet on January 1st, or that by paying off our debt from Christmas will make your feelings of depression disappear. It unfortunately doesn’t work that way and when you research “Blue Monday” you will find out that it was actually created as a marketing strategy for travel companies to get people to book a vacation whether you need one or not. It’s strategy is kinda ironic though when your still drowning in debt from the recent holiday season, don’t you think?

Well either way, if anything positive can be taken away from “Blue Monday” maybe it’s another reason for people to talk about mental illness and anytime that happens it’s never a bad thing!

My Memory Wall

Today when my memory wall on Facebook popped up I was quickly reminded about one of the many memories in the last 4.5 years that I’d sooner forget. The pictures I have posted are from today, 4 years ago when I was released from my first full inpatient hospital stay which ended up being well over 3 months in total. The first post was for Rich and only Rich as he sacrificed (and still does) so much during that time in order for our kids to feel some sense of normalcy still. The second post was for the many, many friends and family who helped me and my family out during that time in ways that went above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Although I would sooner forget these and many other memories from the last 4.5 years, I am beyond grateful and thankful at the same time to be reminded today, four years later just how much love and support I still have surrounding me and my family and that four years ago many of you did not know what I was going through as I was not yet ready to let everyone in, but in doing so a couple of years ago that love and support is now overflowing. I have also made it my mission to let anyone in who wants in, to know that today is the best day to start that conversation, to share your story, to not suffer in silence anymore, to understand your own feelings better, that you are valued and that it’s okay to not be okay. #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness

Family Therapy

It’s hard, I mean it’s really hard for me to ever truly feel at peace with myself, to ever truly be able to shut off those voices that perpetually ruminate in my head and those voices I speak of seem to keep getting louder and stronger with each passing day. Lately I have been experiencing an overwhelming amount of tears, an overwhelming amount of anxiety and my panic attacks have taken on a whole new meaning.

Within every family unit there will always be many highs and many lows and there is just no hiding from the fact that when it has come to my illness (which is heading into its 5th year) those lows have had a tremendous impact on my family’s cohesiveness. I don’t like to talk about my kids or husband on a very personal level in my writing because the truth is their stories are not mine to tell (unless a New York bestseller is in the works). But how could it not have some sort of impact on their lives just as it would if our family was dealing with any other kind of life altering illness? Basically, when one or more parts of your family unit becomes broken there is no doubt in my mind it will have an effect on the rest of it, but of course with depression comes the added guilt that even the smallest impact my illness may have had on them, it is all my fault.

Throughout the last several years there has been a great deal of confusing, stressful and sometimes unsettling emotions surrounding our family’s cohesiveness and the build up over time has become too difficult to navigate alone and so on the recommendation of my family doctor it was time to seek some outside guidance from a professional together as a family.

I couldn’t think of a better person for the job than my own therapist who knows me very well and through me in turn knows the many challenges we face as a family. At the end of the day the main goal of our session (which was done in the comfort of our own home) was to learn (through a series of questions) how to communicate better with one another, how to understand each other’s needs in a non-judgmental way, how to help alleviate some of the day to day stresses we all face and to simply remind us all about the importance of family cohesiveness. It’s probably something all families could benefit from every so often.

The Elephant In My Room

THE ELEPHANT IN MY ROOM

Recently I made a donation to a non-profit organization which has grown to become one of the leaders in bringing Canadians together to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness by working closely with a variety of Nationally acclaimed and most-connected mental health services available in Canada. Their main objective in doing so is to provide a strong, cohesive voice to individuals suffering with a mood disorder/mental illness by helping to improve upon our access to treatment, to educate & continue research as well as to further develop & increase program availability & government policies. Through collaboration with their partnerships they are able to work on a wide-range of these projects and initiatives to help those suffering with often debilitating but treatable mental illnesses.

One such campaign they have developed is called “The Elephant In The Room” Anti-Stigma Campaign. The main purpose of this campaign is to end the stigma most often attached to mental illness which for many of us can actually be more detrimental to their well-being than the illness itself. The negativity, disrespectfulness, discrimination and judgment associated with a person having a mental disorder keep many, many people afraid to seek treatment or reach out to a loved one for help.

We have all heard the expression before “The Elephant In The Room” which signifies that there is a “major problem or controversial issue that is obviously present but avoided as a subject for discussion because it is more comfortable to do so.” Basically it’s what many people do when it comes to mental illness.

This campaign is trying to do the opposite of what the definition conveys by sending each individual who makes a donation an actual little, blue happy faced elephant to be placed anywhere you like in your home, your office, your car or even to carry it with you in your purse, briefcase or knapsack. I truly loved the powerful symbolism of what this little, blue happy faced elephant represents and couldn’t wait to have one of my own to let everyone know that when they enter my home it is a safe and stigma-free zone.

My elephant (seen in picture) is now proudly on display by my front door to welcome anyone who visits the opportunity to talk about whatever they need to without feeling any sort of negativity, discrimination and most of all judgment. It’s these small but powerful steps we can all take in ending the stigma together.

What A Catastrophe

WHAT A CATASTROPHE!
If you were to look the word catastrophizing up in the dictionary (okay so nowadays we call it Google) you will probably see my picture right above the definition. Catastrophizing is when an individual has an irrational thought or feeling which they believe to be far worse than it actually is. The catastrophic thought or feeling may have to do with a current or immediate situation that the individual is in or it may also occur when they are thinking about a future event. Either way they both can gravely affect the mind of someone suffering with depression and anxiety.

From my own personal experience I can tell you that it directly impacts all aspects of my life (and that of my family too) including my behaviour in general, my ability to function on a daily basis and my overall quality of living. I can take any seemingly normal situation and magnify it by a gazillion making it seem much more severe, frightful and even disastrous than it would be for others in a similar situation.
If I try and look at the positive side of catastrophizing (you see sometimes my glass can be half full!) then I can never truly be disappointed except for the fact that there are way too many negatives attached to it which far outweigh the one quasi positive outcome.

Unfortunately catastrophizing every single situation really means that reaching any kind of goal for me (big or small) becomes that much harder, it means a constant reminder that I am a failure or that I am going to be stuck in this state of mind forever. Catastrophizing also means continuously ruminating unhealthy thoughts and feelings, that something bad is going to happen to me or someone I love and that I am unworthy of any kind of love or friendship. Put all of that together and you have one gigantic catastrophe.

And now you also have a person who suffers with very low self-esteem, a person who suffers with an endless feeling of despair and anxiety and a person who suffers with an immense amount of insomnia. And for what? Because I know deep down inside (very deep) that 9 times out of 10 these catastrophic situations are nothing more than figments of my broken perception of what is real and what is not.

But I also know that I can’t be alone in feeling this way, I can’t be the only one believing my own narratives or giving too much consideration to something that isn’t actually a threat or true? I can’t be the only one who makes a mountain out of a molehill or will only “expect the worst” without ever remembering to “hope for the best”. ‘Cuz ya I have to be honest, it’s a very scary and lonely place to be sometimes.