Misty Water-Coloured Memories

Seven years ago today we celebrated big time and I beamed with so much pride the entire day. Seven years ago today we celebrated the B’nai Mitzvah of Jacob and Hannah; the added bonus for those of the Jewish faith, brave enough or dumb enough (just kidding) to have a son and a daughter 1 year apart! It truly was a magical day, filled with so much love and gratitude while being surrounded by all our family and friends. Seven years ago today I was ME, or so I thought I was. I loved everything about that day and all the planning that went into making sure it was the best damn day of their lives thus far. And that’s exactly what it turned out to be for all of us and no matter what no one can ever take those memories away.

But today as I think back to that magical day seven years ago I’m met with a lot of unwanted emotions and sadness knowing how just over two years later our lives changed forever and I still don’t truly understand the how’s or the why’s of how or why I lost that ME. That ME now instead reflects back daily to the exact day and time “it” all began to unravel and nearly five years later I am still left trying to put all the pieces of my life back together in order to become that ME again. The problem is though that I’m discovering day by day if in fact that was the ME I was truly meant to be at all.

I know it certainly doesn’t solve anything to be constantly living in the past, rehashing the what if’s, the how come’s and the why’s especially knowing what little control you have now and most of which you can’t change. But that is what depression does to a person’s heart and soul; it plays cruel and heart-rending mind games on you, breaking you down to nothing and leaving very little energy for the important and happy memories.

Today just so happens to also be another “anniversary” of sorts. Two years ago today I began sharing my story by creating a blog. I had never written a blog before and all the writing I had done prior to its conception was purely for my own enjoyment but since that day 2 years ago I have now written well over 100 of them, sharing the most personal and intimate details of my life with you. By writing my blog it has allowed me explore many parts of ME that weren’t working before that fateful day and find some strength to accept some parts of ME that I have lost forever. So as I continue to share my most personal and intimate feelings with you which may include rehashing the what if’s, the how come’s and the why’s through my writing maybe it will steer me toward the ME I am truly meant to be.

 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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