My birthday is still 2 weeks away and I don’t often ask for much when it comes to birthdays or other special occasions but this year my wish list is long. In Pre-Covid-19 times my wish list would probably seem odd to many who regularly make themselves a priority or make Self-Care part of their monthly, weekly or even daily routines but at this very moment nothing feels too normal.
I’m not too confident right now that any of my birthday wishes will be come true in time for my birthday this year (As it is my birthday present from last year has already been postponed twice and at this point I’d say indefinitely 😰😰😰) but for now I will close my eyes and make a Pre-birthday wish anyways and dream of the perfect day, complete with a trip to the hair salon, followed by a mani/pedi and of course the day would not be complete without our traditional family dinner at the Keg which would also normally be our kid’s last supper right before they were to head off to camp for the summer! 😰
What would you consider to be your perfect day right now?
While on route today delivering more lawn signs I made an extra special stop to the home of one of the Managers of Kids Help Phone to drop off an envelope with a cheque in it for just under $8000. Like so many others right now, the staff at Kids Help Phone are adjusting to a new way of life by having to work from home (and for the foreseeable future) in order to help flatten the curve and stop the spread of Covid-19 but I didn’t want to have to wait several more months for Kids Help Phone to reap the benefits of the 100’s of generous donations I’ve received and so the kind young gentleman (who I’ve been in constant contact with since the start of my “Class of 2020” Graduate Initiative) offered to have me drop it off to him to ensure it got into the right hands now.
We spoke for a little bit outside his home (and 2 meters apart!) and he shared with me some of his goals he is working towards right now for our youth during Covid-19 and beyond and how much donations like this can help turn these goals into a reality.Â
I told him that I will have another cheque for him in a couple of weeks once I wrap up my campaign which is officially winding down this weekend as my mental health is taking a toll right now from it, but as of this evening I am very close to doubling my original goal of $5000 and ya that’s pretty cool with me.
*Feel free to reach out to me before Sunday night to honour a “Class of 2020” Graduate! And if you or anyone you know is feeling sad or angry or frustrated or scared please reach out to Kids Help Phone 24/7. They are now servicing all children, youth, frontline workers and even adults. Â
It’s National “Say Something Nice Day” today! Today is a gentle reminder that we always need to use kind words and show kindness and empathy toward one another every day. We’ve all heard the saying “Practice makes perfect” right? So today I dare you to say something nice to someone or about someone and that you continue to practice doing so each and every day moving foward to ensure we help make a better tomorrow.
There is also another saying that we have heard from a very young age which is “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Words can cut deep and once they are said they can’t be taken back so please choose your words carefully because our words matter.
And while you’re at it maybe you could drop off a jar of olives and a hazelnut cake to someone who needs a smile, a kind word or a gentle reminder that they matter because today is also National Olive Day and National Hazelnut Cake Day too!Â
While Rich and I drove through the city streets yesterday (delivering lawn signs) we passed a street named “Newman Avenue” and it suddenly dawned on me that I’ve now been a “Fluxgold” longer than I was a “Newman”.
When we first got married 25 years ago I never hesitated or even gave it a second thought that I would legally change my last name to Fluxgold, I mean it definitely had a lot more flair and originality to it than “Newman” did so why the heck not and by 1995 when I got married, I was seriously pretty tired of being the butt of so many very unoriginal Seinfeld jokes anyways!!! #heynewman
But please don’t get me wrong, I will always be grateful for the amazing memories my maiden name has given me, it will forever be a part of who I used to be and has continued to be a guide as to what I don’t want to be and it’s definitely a reminder of a much simpler time in my life, you know, the time when I rarely had to correct someone who may have misspelled or mispronounced my last name!
Have you ever truly asked yourself before; What’s in a name? If I could just quote Juliet from “Romeo & Juliet” for a moment here (wow that’s a statement I never thought I’d write) when she says “that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”Â
This quote from Shakespeare tells us that a name doesn’t truly matter nor does it truly affect what or who you really are and besides all that, haven’t we always been taught from a very young age anyhow that what’s truly most important, what truly matters or what truly counts most in life is what’s on the inside and when you reference my profile page on Facebook I think you can find the answer. (See pic)
It’s been a hundred and thirty something days since I’ve had a cigarette, not a hundred and thirty something days since I’ve desired a cigarette but a hundred and thirty something days since I last smoked one. There are many days (and nights) that go by now where I barely even think about smoking anymore but the days that I do are fucking hell and last night was probably the worst I’ve experienced, even more so than the first few days after I quit back in January. You all remember January; that cold, dark, dreary month of the year that we all wish we could go back in time to right now. Boy what I’d give to go back there now in a heartbeat, with my concussion and all!
Last night I had a panic attack which only exasperated the exhaustion and overwhelm I was already experiencing and I suddenly felt like a junkie who would do just about anything to get their next “fix”. If you have ever suffered with an addiction of any kind before (drug, alcohol, gambling etc) you can relate to how out of control I felt from my “need” to smoke NOW. I begged Rich to get me a pack of cigarettes and I began envisioning myself sitting on my front porch enjoying the beautiful spring air and thinking that having just 1 cigarette wouldn’t be a big deal at all.Â
It’s nights like this that have me thinking I will never be free of cigarettes. But then again is there really a specific timeline as to how long it should take a smoker of over 30 years to fully stop having the desire to smoke?
I have a really hard time accepting help from others, that is everyone except for maybe Rich. What does that exactly mean though; well it means that if I allow someone to help me or do something nice for me then that would mean that I’m weak and incapable of doing it myself, right? And wouldn’t it also mean that I’m a failure too?
I know that most people only offer their help without any ulterior motives in mind and that for every 1 person whose willingness to help others may have ill intentions in mind I also know that there are ten more people who are wanting to show their support or lend a helping hand because they genuinely want to help and it actually gives them great joy when doing so.
In the Jewish faith this would be considered a “Mitzvah” or in the English translation it is considered to be a “good deed” to help someone with a conscious act or emphasis on kindness and empathy.
Throughout my journey I have had no shortage of kindness and empathy or heartfelt sentiments being offered up to me and my family at any given time but it’s always hard for me to let others help me and most of the time I honestly can’t even explain the reason why.
I know my illness has a lot to do with it as I am constantly telling myself that I’m weak, I’m incapable, I’m a failure, I’m unworthy, I’m undeserving and I’m useless. I feel as though I have no control over my life whatsoever and then to allow others to help me feels like I am giving up complete control all together and making me feel even more vulnerable. Oh and my favourite of course is the guilty feeling I get when someone does something kind for me.
Over the last few weeks and even more so this week I have recieved an abundance of kindness from loved ones, acquaintances and even strangers, offering to help me in whatever capacity they can with my Initiative. Maybe now would be the perfect time for me to embrace the moment and give others the opportunity to feel the same way I feel every time I brighten up a young person’s day!!
It was yet another difficult week in our home last week when reality smacked us right in the face once again with the news that our girls would not be going away to camp this summer. And even though it too didn’t come as any big surprise for us, we had all just been trying to hold on to whatever little bit of hope we had left in order to somehow try and save part of their summer (and ours!).
With the girls now not going to camp this summer also meant that there would be no official #summerofrich either. For those of you who have been following my journey for some time now already know what the #summerofrich is (and many seem to really enjoy following it too lol) but for those of you who don’t know or who may have forgotten or who truly don’t give a rat’s ass about the #summerofrich I will tell you about it anyways.
Rich (like many other loving parents) begins to countdown as to how many days are left until the kids leave for camp the next summer; from the moment they return home from the summer before (don’t even dare try to deny that you aren’t one of those parents too lol).Â
Yes of course he loves his kids but he also needs the break, he also deserves the break and he has also earned the break. It’s not like our kids are toddlers or such anymore who need constant supervision but for Rich, summertime has become a much needed, much deserved and very much earned mental break.
For six years now Rich has had to take on both the roles of mom and dad along with the cook, the maid, the chauffeur, the psychologist, the schlepper and countless other roles too and so when the kids leave for camp (even if it’s only 2 now instead of all 3) for 7 to 8 weeks a summer it has become his time to destress, push the reset button, take a step back and try to relax somewhat.
As I said above it’s not like our kids are toddlers anymore or need constant supervision that we can’t still try and make the best of the #summerofrich 2020 with a revised edition (we probably won’t be getting our annual summer “husband and wife pedicures” any time soon or taking walks along the beach either).
So here’s a sneak peak at what the revised edition of the #summerofrich and Camp Fluxgold may look like (see pics). All that is still missing is a fire pit to make s’mores and sing songs around with friends and family in arms reach!
As of the end of day today I, along with my Co-Pilot Rich will have delivered approximately 300 lawn signs (give or take a few) across the Greater Toronto Area (and beyond) and we still have lots more to go. It’s been an incredibly overwhelming experience for me so far but more importantly it’s been an incredibly successful and rewarding one too.
Every time I drop off a sign on someone’s front lawn (or porch) honouring one (or more) of our “Class of 2020” Graduates I have either been lucky enough to witness the surprise and gratitude on their face myself when they first see the sign or shortly thereafter I receive some of the most amazing and heartfelt messages and pictures of both support and appreciation from the recipient’s family where I find myself imagining the moment instead.
Either way I can tell you that it feels amazing knowing I have in some small way made a young person smile (and even do cartwheels). But yesterday someone tried to knock me down and when you’re already feeling vulnerable, it basically leaves you completely deflated (see blog: “Yesterday”; May 23, 2020) Shortly after I delivered one sign in particular yesterday a woman messaged me to say how disappointed she was at the size of the sign (insert SMH) and then continued by saying how the sign looked much bigger in the photo that was taken for our local newspaper (SMH again). I politely replied to her that I’m sorry she felt that way but I guess the editors of the paper purposely enlarged the photo of the sign to get the readers attention (I’m also pretty sure there’s a name for that, however I’m no expert in the field of Marketing and Advertising).
I guess that now I know for the next time there is a Global Pandemic and our kids have to endure more loss and disappointment in their lives I would insist that there be a Legal Disclaimer attached to any pictures in the paper saying “Size May Vary”.
I continued to tell “The Hater” that the lawn signs are all a standard size and if you are to compare them to every other company lawn sign in your neighborhood it is the same size and maybe even a bit bigger than others. But I also told “The Hater” that the point of the sign was not for its size but rather a small tribute to their child (or children) who are missing out on so much in their lives right now. I also told her that sadly she has forgotten what these signs were meant to represent in the first place and that I have only received kindness and support from 300 other families thanking me for doing what I am doing for such a great cause (SMH). @kidshelpphone
I know I shouldn’t let this “Hater” take up space in my head or try to knock me down. You can’t please everyone all of the time and some people get satisfaction from being hurtful and what’s even worse is that some people live with so much hate in their hearts which is just so sad, but besides all that, haven’t we always been taught that “Size doesn’t matter”!!! (SMFH)
It was exactly 25 years ago today that the fabulous and fun loving photographer Elliot Sylman captured the true beauty and essence of one of the best days in both Rich’s and my life and so what better way to honour our 25th Wedding Anniversary today (since that cruise around the world I had all planned out in my head ain’t happening😛) than to have that same fabulous and fun loving photographer capture the true beauty and essence of our life together 25 years later with his amazing Covid-19 Initiative @theporchpics.
Several months ago (Pre-Covid-19) I mentioned to Rich that I had a really strong desire to renew our wedding vows for our 25th Anniversary. He kinda laughed it off each time I brought it up and thought I was kinda kidding whenever I did, but deep down inside I kinda wasn’t.
As most of you already know by now, the last six years have been bloody hell for us and has left our marriage tried, tested and completely put through the wringer somedays but through it all our marriage has stood the test of time.
Marriage takes a lot of hard work and a mutual understanding, it takes tears and forgiveness, it takes good communication, it takes lots and lots of laughter and fun and it takes sacrifice and compromise mixed in with a whole lot of unconditional love.
I’m not really sure why I’ve had the overwhelming desire to renew our wedding vows, but today as we take each other’s hand and jump feet first together into our Second Act, somehow doing @theporchpics with my beautifully imperfect family by my side is all the renewal I truly need right now.
I love you to the moon and back Rich, you are my forever and a day. Thank you for keeping me safe and for all that you are and all that you do for our family; there is no one else in this great big crazy world I’d rather be quarantined with either!! In SICKNESS and in HEALTH until death do us part.
“It’s better to give than to receive”. I placed an order this morning for another 100 +++ more “Class of 2020” lawn signs which are set to be delivered later this week to so many deserving Graduates…and I’m not quite done yet. You still have a bit more time left before I place my final order so contact me if you would like to honour a special Graduate in your life.
Giving back feels good and whether you’re giving of your time or giving of your money, if giving back has the potential to change even just one life for the better it’s all worthwhile. @kidshelpphone
YouAreEnough 
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