Category: overwhelm

Panic Attack

I’ve been experiencing an extraordinary amount of panic attacks lately which have been quite damaging to both me and my entire family unit as well.
It’s difficult for someone to truly understand what is going on inside another person’s head and especially when what they are experiencing seems totally abnormal to a normal healthy brain. And I for sure don’t expect anyone to understand what a panic attack actually feels like if you have never experienced one before and boy do I hope you never will.
But either way if you are ever in a situation where someone you care about is having a panic attack try to ease their fear, remind them that they will be okay, encourage them, give them positive affirmations and remember to
stay calm and stay with them if you can. And more importantly do not minimize their feelings even if you think their fear is irrational; judgment and criticism will only make things worse for everyone.
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

A Broken Mind

I’ve never broken my arm (or leg) before so I can’t actually speak from experience but I’ve been around plenty of people in my lifetime who have. When someone breaks their arm most people’s reaction is likely one of sympathy and support. People around them eagerly want to sign their cast or help ease their pain or reduce the burden from being less mobile. They are forgiven if they can’t participate in the championship game this weekend or understood if they have to cancel an upcoming engagement. And most people will happily send them their good wishes, make sure that they are doing okay and be engaged in genuine conversations about how they are feeling.
When someone is battling a mental illness far too many of us still choose to suffer in silence or feel too afraid to share their story for fear that they will be judged or ridiculed but statistics show that unless you tell someone how you are feeling their illness may go unnoticed until it is sadly too late. And because having a mental illness is still so stigmatized today it makes it that much more difficult for others to acknowledge or accept it like you would when someone is suffering with a physical challenge.
If I had chosen not to share my journey with you or publish my book, most of you reading this right now would more than likely have no idea that I struggle with a mental illness every day. I mean why would you or how could you because it’s not like I’m wearing a cast around my head. If I chose to hide my illness from the outside world I’m guessing that many people who come into contact with me in some form or another would likely look at me as someone who is lazy, anti-social, somewhat flaky or possibly even rude.
Breaking your arm is painful and burdensome and deserves to be treated with sympathy and support from others but why should someone who’s challenges or illness are not visible to the naked eye not deserve the same sympathy and support? Why is it that we don’t feel ashamed when we have a broken arm but too many people in our society still make those battling a mental illness feel very ashamed even though they too are in an enormous amount of pain? Why is it okay to forgive someone who has the limited ability to participate in activities or difficulty going out due to a physical challenge but when faced with the same limitations and more due to a mental illness are looked upon as being weak?
I wrote a blog the other day (The Climb; Oct 20, 2019) about how difficult a time I am having and the reality of it is that I am fighting with every fibre of my being to stay alive right now and if I could stabilize or actually heal my fractured mind with the aid of a bandage around my head I would. I wish that I could help more people take notice of what excruciating pain there is in living with suicidal ideations with the aid of a bandage around my head. I wish I could help more people understand how real this disease is with the aid of a bandage around my head even though there are no physical signs present but what I wish for more than anything is that it would be easier for people to engage in conversations with someone battling a mental illness who is more than a willing participant to share their story without needing to take drastic measures or having the aid of a bandage around their head to prove that they are ŕeally sick.
The reality is there is no cast to help aid in the healing process of a mental illness but there certainly are many other ways to offer support or show acceptance and love because I really wish more than anything that I or the millions of other people suffering with a mental illness could have brighter days because someone took the time to sign their cast.

The Climb

*May be triggering* if you or someone you know are in crisis please call
1-833-456-4566 (Canada)
I’ve been battling with a lot of demons in my head this week. It’s not like it’s anything new to me as I’ve been battling with these same demons non-stop for more than 5 years now but this time they seem stronger and louder than ever. Much of the time when my suicidal thoughts come and go I’m able to shut them down or sometimes if they catch me totally off guard at the most inopportune moments I can manage to change the conversation or find a distraction, but then there are the days or even weeks like this one when that all seems near impossible and near fatal for me.
I recently came upon a quote from a poet by the name of Najwa Zebian which she wrote: “These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”. This quote has been on my mind all week as it feels like a metaphor for the demons I am battling right now for those mountains she speaks of are my suicidal thoughts and ideations that keep weighing me down and won’t allow me to climb above.
The thought of climbing that mountain is very scary and very lonely to say the least and the burden of not being able to has become so painfully overwhelming and exhausting. I keep trying to climb the mountain but then I lose my grip and it pulls me back down at full speed like an avalanche crashing through like a herd of wild animals.
One of the best things I can do for myself when the demon’s voice becomes this overpowering is to get up and walk away from it which is what Rich helped me do today. We decided to do a #summerofrich #falledition as the warm fall air and beautiful sunshine allowed us to do.
We visited High Park. What better way to try and climb that mountain than by looking at the gorgeous fall colours, walking the endless wooded trails, stopping to take in the beauty of the calming streams and ponds, breathing in the beautiful historical gardens and landscaping and being able to be up close and personal with the wildlife that lives within the park. I may not have climbed a mountain today but I certainly climbed a lot of hills.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicide #mentalhealth #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #highpark #summerofrich #falledition
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Zero Tolerance- Bullying Is Never Okay

Ever since the news broke last week that a young boy’s life was brutally cut short by a senseless act of bullying, I have not been able to stop thinking about it. We’ve all heard stories of bullying, some of us have been witness to it and many of us have fallen victim to it.

Bullying can affect everyone, starting from the bully himself (herself), to those who witness the act and especially to those who are being bullied. Bullying is defined as “a conscious, willful, deliberate repeated and hostile activity marked by an imbalance of power, intent to harm and/or threat of aggression” and the impact from such behaviors often lead to severe mental health issues, substance abuse, academic problems, suicide and last week it led to murder in a school yard as this poor boy’s mother watched in horror.

Devan Bracci-Selvey was among many students who had fallen victim to bullying by several other students at his high school since the start of the new year and they along with their families and friends had been begging for help from both the school’s administration and the police force since early September. So much for zero tolerance policies in schools??

I’m not gonna sit here and pass judgment as to whether or not I believe that the school board in his district and/or their police force failed to properly protect Devan and his friends from harm (another child transferred to a new school just a week or two prior to this incident), I’m certainly not gonna sit here and tell you that through the ongoing investigation I hope to see many of the individuals involved fired from their jobs for their lack of empathy and support and I’m definitely not gonna sit here and argue about how pathetic our criminal justice system for youth is and how these murderers should be named and tried as adults but instead I am just gonna honour Devan’s memory.

Whether it’s physical, emotional, verbal or cyber bullying, it is not okay, in fact bullying is NEVER okay. Bullying can happen to your child while they are at school, while they are on the playground, while they are walking in their neighbourhood and even while they are in their safe place, lying in bed and chatting with friends online.

Bullies don’t necessarily discriminate either, anyone can be a target of bullying which is why it is so important for parents, caregivers, educators and friends alike to watch for signs that this could be going on, that is of course unless you are lucky enough to have a child who will come to you first.

But sadly, many children don’t and for whatever their reason, it’s likely that they feel too ashamed or intimidated to ask for help and in turn begin to suffer with severe mental health issues, substance abuse, academic problems and in many cases, they turn to suicide.

Devan and his friends did all things right; they asked for help from trusted adults, they tried to avoid their bullies, they stood up for one another and they leaned on one another for comfort, right up until the very end and now those left behind will be leaning on one another even more. RIP DEVAN

#stopbullying #showkindness #checkonyourlovedones #bullyingisneverokay #zerotolerance #lookoutforeachother #seesomething #saysomething #mentalhealth #suicide #knowthesigns

#youarenotalone #startaconversation #youareenough

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Crafting

Crafting or working on creative projects is an escape for me and always has been and lucky for me it also has many health benefits for your mental wellness too. Crafting is a great way for me to relieve stress by taking a break from my chronic anxiety and depression. Crafting can build self-esteem and self-confidence when you feel a sense of accomplishment or success from your achievement.
For me, part of the crafting or creating of a project itself is the excitement of planning and executing it. It’s not just about the finished product but also about the journey of getting there as well. It’s about challenging myself, learning new skills and once completed maybe even having a new knick-knack to display!
I created this piece to remind myself everyday and for anyone else who walks into my home that “you are enough”. That you were enough before you walked through my door, that you are enough now and that you will continue to be enough after. And even though I am forever believing otherwise I now have something to remind me that I am worthy, I am valued, I am accepted, I am true, I am loved and I am purposeful because I am me and that also means that you are you. #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalhealthawarenessweek #itsoktonotbeok #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #crafting #create

Can You Tell Me How To Get to Sesame Street?

Who doesn’t love Sesame Street? I mean it doesn’t get much better than Elmo, Oscar The Grouch and Big Bird now does it? Nor would they be celebrating 50 magical years on air next month if it wasn’t one of the most beloved neighborhoods for kids of all ages!
Throughout the last 50 years Sesame Street has embraced a myriad of groundbreaking storylines on their show with open arms. Each and every year they continue to tackle topics that reflect their diverse audience with only one goal in mind; education and inclusion.
These topics have ranged from racism, adoption, autism, down syndrome, divorce, being in a wheelchair, 9/11, death, a family member being incarcerated; the list is truly endless and for each topic they tackle, millions of children and their families are sitting in their living rooms, watching and feeling less alone in their own relatable struggle.
And now this week Sesame Street has done it once again by adding to their list of inclusive storylines when they recently introduced a new character by the name of Karli who begins to open up to her friends in the neighborhood about her mom’s addiction and mental health crisis. She tells her friends that her mom had to go away for treatment and that she is now in recovery and that a big part of her recovery is attending meetings every single day with people who have the same problem as her in order to help her stay healthy while being surrounded by people who understand what she is going through and learning how to take better care of herself.
The message Karli receives from her mom and her friends is one of hope and healing and it really resonated with me, bringing tears to my eyes (not that it takes much to make me cry). The message Karli receives is the same message that “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” aims to teach children which is that Mommy’s disease is not their fault, that they are not alone and that they are safe and loved.
It is also relating another very important message to their audience which is that it is never too early to start having these conversations with children because the more we open up and have honest conversations the sooner our children will understand that they are not at fault, that they are not alone and most of all that they are safe and loved. And lets not forget that the more education and inclusion we project upon young children today, the sooner we help to end the stigma around mental illness for future generations to come!
Watching Karli made me want to reach out and hug her so tight and then curl up next to her while reading “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” together. Just one quick question though before I go; “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
#youareenough #youarenotalone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #addictions #opioidcrisis #epidemic #compassion #friendship #itsoktonotbeok #acceptance #startaconversation #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazonca #sesamestreet #inclusion #educationiskey #childrenareourfuture #endthestigmatogether #kidsarepeopletoo #speakyourtruth #honesty #elmo #happyanniversary #cheerstofiftymore #mentalhealthawarenessweek

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and its main focus is on suicide prevention. Today we need to start important and necessary conversations. Today we need to check in on our loved ones. Today we need to give hope to someone who may need it the most. Today we need to ensure that no-one feels alone. It takes less than a minute to do so and by being present in someone’s life who may be feeling vulnerable right now can make all difference.

Whether it’s a quick chat over a cup of coffee or a simple text message or maybe a phone call or even a quiet visit together in the comfort of their home, I can tell you how much moments like these make a difference in my own life. Keep talking, keep sharing, keep showing up, keep being kind and compassionate toward others because your voice may just be the voice who gives someone else the courage to reach out for the help they need. #givesomeonehopetoday #itonlytakesamoment #itsoktonotbeok #suicideprevention #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #mentalhealthawarenessweek #worldmentalhealthday #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #youareenough #empowerment #compassion #kindness

About Last Night

I’ve done quite a few events and interviews over the last month or so since my book was published but last night was by far the most meaningful one yet. As I mentioned last week I was asked to be a panelist at an event called Community Conversations at the Richmond Hill Public Library where I was to speak about Mental Illness and Stigma. In preparation for the event I was sent a series of 4 questions beforehand on the topic of Stigma in which I would be asked to discuss in front of the group along with a short bio about my journey and then followed up with a Q & A from the audience at the very end.
One by one each panelist discussed their views on (1) the harmful effects of the Stigma surrounding mental illness, (2) the most commonly held stereotypes about mentally ill people, (3) our strategies on how we as a society can help diminish the Stigma and (4) our thoughts on the important and urgent need for more access and funding to better educate the public about mental illness in order to increase understanding and empathy.
I was BEYOND anxious and overwhelmed all day yesterday and especially as I sat in my big, comfy chair waiting for the event to begin. I sat there looking around the room as the other panelists and guests arrived one by one and the anxiety and overwhelm just kept building. By now my head was filled with so much negative self-talk I thought it was going to explode! I wanted to run for the nearest exit screaming and crying (but I was in a library afterall and didn’t want to distract the 100’s of kids trying to study!) And no amount of breathing or grounding exercises seemed to be slowing down what was going on inside my body and mind either, but then the Moderator started to introduce the panel 1 by 1 and when I started to tell my story to a room full of strangers all my anxiety and overwhelm seemed to dissipate.
Suddenly I felt a sense of belonging and that by sharing my story and speaking from my heart on a topic I have so much passion and understanding for and knowing that I could possibly help someone feel less alone, feel like it’s ok to not be ok or feel a sense of comfort from within their own community made all the anxiety and overwhelm all worthwhile.
Everyone in attendance last night had their own reason for being there. Some may have been mental health educators or professionals, some may have been mental health advocates, some may have been in need of some guidance for their own mental wellness and some may have been there to seek advice on behalf of a loved one in need of support.
But whatever their reason was for being there, they all have a story to tell, we all have a story to tell and we definitely need more evenings like last night so that more and more people can have a safe place to feel like they can start telling their story and know that someone is listening. I know I want to hear it; how about you?
#mentalhealthawarenessweek #mentalillness #mentalhealth #stigma #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #choosekindness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #educationiskey #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazon #rhpl

Dip An Apple In Some Honey

For many people of the Jewish faith, tonight is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the start of a new year which also marks the high holy days ending with Yom Kippur ten days later. During these ten holy days Jewish people are meant to focus their attention on introspection and attonement. It is also the time of year where we should look to the future and be grateful to be given the opportunity for a new beginning while at the same time be able to ask for forgiveness for our sins from the past year.
For someone like myself who is battling a mental illness, these concepts are both a daily struggle and a large part of our recovery.
This time of year can often be very triggering but also very comforting for many. It may be an opportunity for some individuals, who like me, are suffering with a mental illness, to start important and necessary conversations around the dinner table or within their congregations. It may be the time of year that you find solace in speaking your truth. It may be the time of year that you feel safe in the hands of your loved ones or through prayer. It may be the time of year that your pain allows you to find the courage or help that you need and it may be the time of year that you start to feel like you are not alone in your journey.
So tonight or tomorrow or next week when you enter a place of worship or a loved one’s home or wherever these high holy days find you, try and look around the room at your surroundings and the people around you and give them strength, be present for them, offer a warm smile, a sincere handshake, a strong hug to help walk them through their darkness.
And although you may not truly understand what another person is feeling or going through, just knowing that someone cares or is willing to hold your hand and show compassion towards you may give them the strength and courage or allow them to focus their attention on introspection and atonement within themselves knowing they are not walking it alone.
L’Shanah Tova to everyone which simply means “to a good year” and remember to dip an apple in some honey for some extra sweetness.

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

I use the word “overwhelmed” a lot to explain how I am feeling, but it kinda describes how I feel most often, most days. And lately it’s no wonder I’m so overwhelmed, I’ve been on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life over the last few weeks and albeit there have been many ups, there have also been many loops and many, many downs.

It’s fair to say that I’ve had a lot on my plate lately and have taken on way more than I can chew, and most of what you are seeing is only a small portion of it through my many posts and pictures on my social media pages. But my ability to cope with life is starting to take a real downward plunge, just like that feeling you get when you are on that roller coaster ride, slowly making your way uphill and then suddenly you plummet downward at the highest speeds imaginable leaving your stomach at the top.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the feeling that I get when I’m riding that roller coaster uphill; the slower the better, that way I can take in way more of the sites below, but it’s those many loops and sudden plunges downhill that makes it so difficult to enjoy the ride that I find myself screaming and begging for it to all just come to an end.

The more any of us take on or have to tend to in our lives, the more overwhelmed we may feel, then add on for me, those persistent and incessant racing thoughts, those feelings of worthlessness, that fear of failure and lets not forget that Goddamn guilt. When I mix it all together I begin to shut down both mentally and physically.

Well yesterday that roller coaster ride hesitantly made it up the hill and then suddenly and without warning broke down completely causing my entire immune system to shut down too. I found myself in a hospital emergency room in the late afternoon with a rash which has now physically covered my whole body and a mental breakdown which led to a severe panic attack and hysteria.

It was in that moment that I realized (ok it was more like once I was given something to calm me down) and then Rich helped me realize that although many things I am dealing with right now are not within my control I need to refocus my whole heart on what I do have control over instead. I have a very difficult time concentrating on one task at a time, or tackling one issue at a time but it is not serving me well to try and bite off more than I can chew right now.

So for now my first priority is to start back at the very beginning and break everything down into their simplest forms in order to begin to dissect each task or issue into more manageable blocks. I also know that it’s more than ok to ask for help when you need it because often that is all any of us need in order to get off the roller coaster ride before it plummets downward at unimaginable speeds.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.