Category: Moms

Depression Is Not A Choice

I never really liked multiple choice exams in school. The answers were rarely straightforward and more often than not they were quite confusing even if the answer may have been staring you right in the face. We all make choices in our daily lives, some are more straightforward and less confusing than others but there are many choices that are actually out of our control no matter how much some ignorant or judgmental assholes may try and debate it.

You see, our sexual orientation, our gender identity, our race or the development of a disability, disease or MENTAL ILLNESS are all things that we do not choose in life but may sadly make our lives significantly more intolerable, oppressive and insufferable.

I know that mental illness is not a choice. You know how I know this? I know this because I have been battling with depression for the past 5 years and trust me when I tell you that nobody would ever choose to wake up every morning feeling broken or suicidal. I also know that I do not choose my thoughts, that my depression does that for me.

What I have also come to learn throughout my battle with depression is that because it is not a choice I understand that it is not “all in my head” therefore it is not something that I can just “snap out of it”. I do not choose to look weak to others, come across as being lazy or use it as an excuse either. Depression is very real and can seriously affect us all when our brains are in a constant feud with our heart.

And even though depression is not a choice, those suffering with it or any other mental illness for that matter do have a choice when it comes to finding some coping mechanisms to help you manage through it. This can often be one of the most difficult parts of your journey because many of us are too afraid to ask for help when mental illness is still so stigmatized and we put so much blame on ourselves for even having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

But just remember that by choosing to open up to a loved one or by seeking professional help are both key to de-stigmatizing depression and enabling others to understand that the correct multiple choice answer would be: C) both A. and B. A) It is NOT a choice B) It is an illness.

Misty Water-Coloured Memories

Seven years ago today we celebrated big time and I beamed with so much pride the entire day. Seven years ago today we celebrated the B’nai Mitzvah of Jacob and Hannah; the added bonus for those of the Jewish faith, brave enough or dumb enough (just kidding) to have a son and a daughter 1 year apart! It truly was a magical day, filled with so much love and gratitude while being surrounded by all our family and friends. Seven years ago today I was ME, or so I thought I was. I loved everything about that day and all the planning that went into making sure it was the best damn day of their lives thus far. And that’s exactly what it turned out to be for all of us and no matter what no one can ever take those memories away.

But today as I think back to that magical day seven years ago I’m met with a lot of unwanted emotions and sadness knowing how just over two years later our lives changed forever and I still don’t truly understand the how’s or the why’s of how or why I lost that ME. That ME now instead reflects back daily to the exact day and time “it” all began to unravel and nearly five years later I am still left trying to put all the pieces of my life back together in order to become that ME again. The problem is though that I’m discovering day by day if in fact that was the ME I was truly meant to be at all.

I know it certainly doesn’t solve anything to be constantly living in the past, rehashing the what if’s, the how come’s and the why’s especially knowing what little control you have now and most of which you can’t change. But that is what depression does to a person’s heart and soul; it plays cruel and heart-rending mind games on you, breaking you down to nothing and leaving very little energy for the important and happy memories.

Today just so happens to also be another “anniversary” of sorts. Two years ago today I began sharing my story by creating a blog. I had never written a blog before and all the writing I had done prior to its conception was purely for my own enjoyment but since that day 2 years ago I have now written well over 100 of them, sharing the most personal and intimate details of my life with you. By writing my blog it has allowed me explore many parts of ME that weren’t working before that fateful day and find some strength to accept some parts of ME that I have lost forever. So as I continue to share my most personal and intimate feelings with you which may include rehashing the what if’s, the how come’s and the why’s through my writing maybe it will steer me toward the ME I am truly meant to be.

 

My Memory Wall

Today when my memory wall on Facebook popped up I was quickly reminded about one of the many memories in the last 4.5 years that I’d sooner forget. The pictures I have posted are from today, 4 years ago when I was released from my first full inpatient hospital stay which ended up being well over 3 months in total. The first post was for Rich and only Rich as he sacrificed (and still does) so much during that time in order for our kids to feel some sense of normalcy still. The second post was for the many, many friends and family who helped me and my family out during that time in ways that went above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Although I would sooner forget these and many other memories from the last 4.5 years, I am beyond grateful and thankful at the same time to be reminded today, four years later just how much love and support I still have surrounding me and my family and that four years ago many of you did not know what I was going through as I was not yet ready to let everyone in, but in doing so a couple of years ago that love and support is now overflowing. I have also made it my mission to let anyone in who wants in, to know that today is the best day to start that conversation, to share your story, to not suffer in silence anymore, to understand your own feelings better, that you are valued and that it’s okay to not be okay. #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness

Family Therapy

It’s hard, I mean it’s really hard for me to ever truly feel at peace with myself, to ever truly be able to shut off those voices that perpetually ruminate in my head and those voices I speak of seem to keep getting louder and stronger with each passing day. Lately I have been experiencing an overwhelming amount of tears, an overwhelming amount of anxiety and my panic attacks have taken on a whole new meaning.

Within every family unit there will always be many highs and many lows and there is just no hiding from the fact that when it has come to my illness (which is heading into its 5th year) those lows have had a tremendous impact on my family’s cohesiveness. I don’t like to talk about my kids or husband on a very personal level in my writing because the truth is their stories are not mine to tell (unless a New York bestseller is in the works). But how could it not have some sort of impact on their lives just as it would if our family was dealing with any other kind of life altering illness? Basically, when one or more parts of your family unit becomes broken there is no doubt in my mind it will have an effect on the rest of it, but of course with depression comes the added guilt that even the smallest impact my illness may have had on them, it is all my fault.

Throughout the last several years there has been a great deal of confusing, stressful and sometimes unsettling emotions surrounding our family’s cohesiveness and the build up over time has become too difficult to navigate alone and so on the recommendation of my family doctor it was time to seek some outside guidance from a professional together as a family.

I couldn’t think of a better person for the job than my own therapist who knows me very well and through me in turn knows the many challenges we face as a family. At the end of the day the main goal of our session (which was done in the comfort of our own home) was to learn (through a series of questions) how to communicate better with one another, how to understand each other’s needs in a non-judgmental way, how to help alleviate some of the day to day stresses we all face and to simply remind us all about the importance of family cohesiveness. It’s probably something all families could benefit from every so often.

Thinking “Happy Socks” Can’t Cure MY Depression

THINKING “HAPPY SOCKS” CAN’T CURE MY DEPRESSION

For anyone who follows me on social media you probably know by now that over the past week I have been selling “happy socks” and I have sold A LOT of them.  There are so many happy feet running, jogging and strutting their stuff around the city as we speak, more than I could have ever imagined; like hundreds of them and let me start by saying that I truly am grateful that I was given the opportunity to do so.  Who would have ever thought that socks could be all the rage or that people would be messaging me at all hours of the night for socks or that they would be lining up outside my front door just to get a deal on socks.

But you see these are not just any ordinary socks, these are also a stylish and sometimes bold fashion statement which will add a sparkle of self-expression to any outfit.  They can be worn for just about every occasion; just ask our Prime Minister who can be seen sporting them around the world at every public event he attends (I may have just lost a lot of sales by pointing that out!).  I bet he even owns a pair with Cannabis leaves on them in celebration of this week’s legalization of marijuana. Well either way, whatever your style is, I’m sure there is a pair (or 10) of happy socks that will fit your personality.

My husband has also hopped on the happy socks bandwagon and can’t get enough of them.  He excitedly chooses his outfits each morning depending on which pair of socks he feels like wearing that day.  That’s what happy socks do, they make people feel happy and it makes me feel happy knowing that I have helped make someone else feel happy.

The problem is though it can’t cure my depression or anxiety and to be perfectly honest, the entire process of selling happy socks (along with all of the other products I have sold over the past 4 years) is extremely overwhelming for me.  I have experienced a heightened sense of panic and anxiety this week which has boiled over into other parts of my life as well only leading to injurious feelings of depression.

I’m pretty sure some people reading this may wonder what could possibly cause me to feel the way I am from selling socks but many individuals may not realize what else goes into the preparation and delivery of them, the set-up of displays and the ongoing need to restock, the having to answer 100’s of messages (not to mention the countless dumbass questions I get from total strangers), the frequent amount of people coming and going from my home (which in itself has caused several on the spot panic attacks) and the mess encompassing my dining room with boxes upon boxes of socks everywhere.

For many individuals looking on from the outside in may feel this is a great opportunity for me, it keeps me busy and earning a bit of pocket money which should make me happy and if I would only think happy thoughts, if I would only feel happy emotions, if I would only just choose to be happy then I will feel better.  What many people don’t quite understand about depression is that it is not a choice. I did not choose to become depressed just like I would not choose to have Cancer and thinking that if I just chose to feel happy or if I just chose to think happy thoughts that I could heal my depression which can be very detrimental to the healing process and lets face it, if it was truly that easy there would be no such thing as depression.

I make choices every day in regards to my Mental Wellness.  I choose to create healthy boundaries which is not always easy, I choose to communicate my thoughts and feelings even though it may be uncomfortable and embarrassing and I choose “me” even when the guilt is too overwhelming.   So even if I can’t just choose happiness I can choose to continue to create those healthy boundaries, I can choose to continue to communicate my most intimate thoughts and feelings and I can also choose “me” which combined may one day allow me to “knock the socks” right off of this cruel and ferocious disease.

A NEW SCHOOL YEAR; KILL IT WITH KINDNESS

A NEW SCHOOL YEAR; KILL IT WITH KINDNESS

We all remember that first day back to school every year after your summer vacation came to an abrupt end and the reality set in that it went by way too fast. Whether it was your first day of kindergarten or your first day of grade 6 or maybe it was your final year of high school or even your first day of post-graduate school, each year brought with it a new set of challenges as your identity was about to change yet again. You remember your parents beaming with pride and excitement as they snapped photos of you and your siblings to mark this current milestone in your lives while humming happy tunes in their head (or maybe even out loud), but inside they may have also been fighting back tears or their hearts may have been overcome with some apprehension and worry.

The first day back to school is like a new beginning, a fresh start or maybe even a do-over for so many adolescents, teenagers and young adults alike and it really is no different today for all of us who have since become parents ourselves as it was for the generations before us some 30 or 40 years ago; or is it? We still beam with the same pride and excitement as our parents once did as we eagerly snap photos of our kids on their first day of kindergarten or while boarding the bus to their new middle school for the first time or even as they prepare to leave the nest for the first time to enter a University 100’s of kilometers (or miles) away, but what is most obviously different today is that technology and Social Media have allowed us to share these intimate and very personal moments with the rest of the world, all in real-time. We get to see your kid’s smiling faces and we even get to feel your raw emotions too but what we don’t often see is what lies beneath the surface in these photos of so many adolescents, teenagers and young adults today.

It is no secret that our adolescents, teenagers and young adults today are experiencing many more struggles and issues in regards to their mental wellbeing than ever before. It is widespread, universal and prevalent in every age group that I have mentioned above. Statistics have proven that technology and Social Media have magnified their struggles at an alarming rate and evidence shows that their constant consumption of these platforms is affecting how they learn, sleep, communicate and even show kindness.

Struggles with anxiety, depression, bullying, eating disorders and peer pressure are leading to more and more suicides among adolescents, teenagers and young adults than ever before. Those first day of school photos now for many, the ones we get to see, the ones with the big smiles on their faces can oftentimes be concealing a very scared and vulnerable adolescent, teenager or young adult as they hide behind the safety of their cell phones and Social Media platforms.

I will be the first to admit that I truly have quite a limited amount of knowledge as to what really goes on in my teenagers and young adult’s lives outside of what they let me see on their (open) Social Media platforms or what they communicate to me in person and I know I’m not alone and it’s very scary. You can believe that you are always one step ahead of them, but the reality is we will never be no matter what measures or control we put into place. You may be the fricken mother of the year, or the most hands on dad in all the world but still those first day of school photos may be camouflaging a much bigger picture of what is going on.

The best we can do in this new and ever changing world we live in today is to encourage our adolescents, teenagers and young adults to talk to us when something is wrong before it’s too late or let them know that even if they have made a mistake that we are there for them no matter what and that it is just as important for them to be aware that if they see something or hear something that makes them uncomfortable or vulnerable that it’s more than okay to let a trusting adult know.

Oh and lets not forget that kindness goes a very long way in ensuring those same adolescents, teenagers and young adults start this new school year off with the best damn back to school photo ever as they embark on a new beginning, a fresh start or maybe even their do-over year. Check up on your friends, don’t put them down; brighten their day with a kind word, don’t judge it; smile at the awkward kid, don’t look away; do the right thing because it’s the little things in life that truly matter and it may even have the potential to turn someone’s life around. Together let’s all learn to kill this new school year ahead with kindness.

And Just Like That The #Summerofrich Is Over ;(

AND JUST LIKE THAT THE #SUMMEROFRICH IS OVER ;(

In the blink of an eye the #summerofrich is now officially over and the kids are all home safe and sound, exhausted but very happy (and just as sad to be home).  Before he knows it the chaos will erupt and there will be mounds of laundry sprawled out all over the house (that is asides from the six smelly duffel bags filled with dirt, bugs and sand that need to be washed, folded and neatly put away), three very hungry mouths to feed and lets not forget the daily demands being expelled from those same hungry mouths.

Over the last four years my husband has been overwhelmed with having to take on many additional roles in our family in order to ensure that everyone’s needs are being properly met which has without a doubt included much of the typical, daily “mom” responsibilities.  Before I became ill we shared all of these duties and responsibilities equally when it came to both the household and our kids but now, well that’s a whole other story.

The thing is, that is what you do for the people you love, especially as a spouse or a parent, you step up to the plate at any cost and even if you strike out sometimes you keep going to bat for them.  I mean my kids certainly didn’t wish for this to happen to our family and they most certainly don’t deserve to suffer because of it either.   They never asked to be brought into this world but from the moment they arrived, it is our duty as their parents to ensure that they are provided with the essentials of life which of course includes food, clothing and shelter.  Asides from the essentials of life kids should always be provided with a safe and nurturing environment, an education and be taught the importance of values, morals, self-esteem, discipline and an overall mutual respect for one other.

When I look at the list I came up with above, I know in my heart that I can confidently reassure myself that I have completely fulfilled all of the essential responsibilities as a parent (well past their 18th birthday) while continuing daily to instill the importance of kindness and happiness in them as well.   So then why does my illness keep fighting me on this and making me believe that I am the worst mother and wife on this planet; okay, well maybe not the worst, but just one who believes in her mind that their lives would be less stressful, less complicated and less demanding without me in it.

This summer while my kids were away at camp I have tried to ensure that the #summerofrich was both enjoyable and relaxing for him (which surprisingly is even possible while hiking in the sweltering heat).  I think that overall he will look back on the #summerofrich with that same sense of relief he started with some 7 to 8 weeks ago while delighting in a pedicure almost moments after our youngest child left for camp but for me I am left feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt.

This overwhelming sense of guilt stems from knowing that my husband has had to play both the role of mom and dad for the last four years and that because of me he is even more deserving than ever of this much needed break from parenting.   At the same time though my illness has spent the summer reflecting on just how much I have failed my kids as their mom and to what degree it will impact their future selves (or already has) by having a mom who never feels she is good enough for them and truly believes they would all be better off without her.

I am reminded quite often that I am a good mom despite what my depression and anxiety tell me.  Sure my heart knows that I have provided them with all the essentials in life, along with the wherewithal to build a strong footing for their future and as much love and encouragement as I can possibly give them but my illness doesn’t want any part of it.  It is also unable to accept that maybe somewhere deep down inside I am also a good wife too and not just a burden to him or a failure.  It was from that same place in my heart that I pulled some strength from despite what my illness is telling me in order to ensure the #summerofrich be filled with so many fun and happy memories, especially knowing that it is probably the last one for many years to come ;(

Our Last Visitor’s Day; “All Good Things Must Come to An End”

Our Last Visitor’s Day; “All Good Things Must Come To An End”

Yesterday was bittersweet.  It was a day filled with lots of excitement and joy for me but at the same time it was also filled with some sadness and sorrow too (oh and lets not forget the rain).  You see, for close to a decade now we have been sending our kids to sleepaway camp every summer and as our ‘baby’ (who turns 16 very soon) enters the next phase of camp life next summer by becoming a counsellor, we as parents are no longer entitled to the privilege of Visitor’s Day.

Visitor’s Day for me has always been a special day and I still remember the very first time I entered those campgrounds as a parent since leaving there more than 20 years earlier as a camp counsellor.  So much of the camp had changed in all those years in between but when I took a closer look around the camp that very first Visitor’s Day I realized it really hadn’t changed at all.  It was still the same great place only better; not better because they had added so many new features and activities like a beautiful new basketball court, a rock climbing wall or an outdoor ball hockey rink; it wasn’t better because the cabins had all been painted and new built-in bunk beds had been added; no it was even better now because my own children were there and about to embark on their own journey towards creating some of the most extraordinary memories and friendships of their lives just as I was once privileged in experiencing all those years ago.

Sleepaway camp happened gradually and not all at once though in our home, in fact our eldest was the last of our children to join the Camp Northland family as he chose to play Rep baseball for the better part of his childhood (but has never looked back since).  But regardless of when they started, one thing is for certain; camp has since become the happiest place on earth for all three of my kids and when the end comes it will unquestionably be met with a lot of heartache.

Every year since they began spending their summers at their home away from home I looked forward with great anticipation to Visitor’s Day.  When they were younger I not only got to spend the afternoon relaxing with my kids as they excitedly led us to their cabins, introduced us to their counsellors and new friends and showed us all the fun activities they got to participate in everyday, but I also got to reminisce and share with them some enjoyable anecdotes and memories of my time I spent strolling through those same amazing campgrounds.

Visitor’s Day has changed throughout the years as my kids got older, especially as their roles began to change.  Two of them have since become counsellors and as I mentioned earlier this will be our last summer that any of them will be campers at all and even though they don’t necessarily need us to engage in our Visitor’s Day rituals and traditions anymore, I know they still welcome us there with open arms, as do so many of their friends and mentors.

As much as Visitor’s Day means so much to me though, it has also become a very difficult day for me both leading up to and participating in it throughout my journey over the last four years.  In several ways it heightens many of my struggles I encounter daily with depression and anxiety but this year with the realization that it was also the end of an era it made me want to reminisce even more, it made me want to breathe in the beauty that surrounded me even more and it made me want to ensure that this was the most memorable Visitor’s Day even more.

It didn’t seem to matter that it was damp and raining off and on all afternoon, all that truly mattered were the memories my kids were collecting in their hearts and the food they were storing in their bellies (lol) so that one day they too will hopefully get to excitedly stroll through those same campgrounds with their own children reminiscing about their happiest place on earth, but for now as I reminisce about my last Visitor’s Day I will have to learn to accept that “all good things must come to an end”.

How Meditation Made Me Feel Like A Failure Once Again

HOW MEDITATION MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FAILURE ONCE AGAIN

*Warning: Sensitive Content*

So another “Summer of Rich” (as he has so lovingly pegged it) officially began at exactly 3pm sharp yesterday afternoon as soon as the bus drove away with our very excited CIT (counsellor in training) and her friends to join her siblings at camp for the next 7 weeks.  He didn’t want to waste a single moment of his much anticipated “break” and so we headed straight away to get our annual husband and wife pedicures (well his is annual).  The last few summers albeit very quiet and less demanding on one hand have also been met with some of our most challenging and difficult hardships to date and so while he was enjoying his soothing and relaxing pedicure it was wonderful to see from the gigantic smile on his face that he was breathing a much needed sigh of relief.

The last couple of weeks for me have been some of the most wearing and tiresome days I have had in a little while which of course only adds to my husband’s long list of tensions and worries (and enthusiasm for the kids to be gone all summer).  I only wish that I could have been breathing that same sigh of relief as my husband was feeling but I just couldn’t.  My mind has been in a complete state of chaos lately and my thoughts have become more and more vivid and scary.   Throughout my journey I have been given many tools to work with in order to turn these vivid and scary thoughts into a more positive and favourable vibe however right now it ain’t flying.

Last weekend when we visited the Healing Sanctuary on my birthday (which I wrote about last week), we were invited to attend a special one night, free meditation class being given by a woman who’s passion, insight and education toward understanding our mind, body and spirit led her to begin teaching the art of meditation two decades ago and has since worked with some of the most renowned spirit leaders in the world.  Although I have been taught some simple breathing exercises and listened to some mindful apps on my phone I have never actually been guided through a bona fide meditation which is something I have wanted to do for quite some time.  We decided that together we would attend the class (and I brought a friend along too) which we knew fell on our first evening of “The Summer of Rich”.  We both went with an open mind and heart in order to learn some inspiring meditation practices that we can apply to our daily lives.

Meditation can benefit anyone and everyone and I truly see its importance in helping someone to reduce stress, anxiety, depression or pain.  It may also assist someone in finding their inner peace, alter their perception of the world around them and in general open our mind’s up to a mentally clear and emotionally calm state; that is unless you’re me!  Last night instead of coming out of the class with a great big sigh of relief and some glimmer of hope that I had wished for (and long for more than anything), I was left feeling like I had failed once again.  Who knew that meditation could leave someone feeling like a failure or that it could actually do more harm than good?

Well I guess I learned something new last night either way because I’m pretty sure that a benefit of meditation is not to have acute heart palpitations or racing thoughts, but what made me feel somewhat at ease after the class was over was when I discussed my experience with the teacher and found out that I am actually not alone.  You see, meditation can be a very powerful tool for someone’s mental and physical wellbeing and when done properly (as it was last night) it can also magnify one’s own self-awareness which can be tremendously valuable to many but for me it simply awakened my current state of helplessness and left me once again feeling very discouraged as I continue casting further judgment upon myself.

I am also left asking myself if there really is such a thing as a light at the end of the tunnel?  Could a subtype of meditation (and mindfulness) techniques bring upon a different outcome for me?   Does practice really make perfect?  Would love to hear some of your experiences with meditation, thank you in advance and oh ya; ‘Namaste’ to you all.

Depression: “Anger Turned Inward”

Depression: “Anger Turned Inward”

*Warning: Very Sensitive Content*

When you think of a person with depression intuitively you may perceive that someone to be feeling hopeless, worthless or sad but most of us would not immediately think of that same person as having feelings of anger or even rage.  Well it’s true; it is a very real and common symptom of depression that will only reek further havoc on a person who is battling with depression.  In fact, Sigmund Freud often referred to depression as ‘anger turned inward’, and I myself am scared that the irritability I feel, the self-blame I harbour and the hopelessness I bear is keeping me from being able to fight this disease anymore because I have become so angry.

Sigmund Freud’s theory, although stated probably a century ago still holds true today and shows us that anger can and will worsen or exacerbate our symptoms of depression and the severity of the disease.  No matter what situation I face every day or how hurt and betrayed I may feel, the anger automatically turns inward and it has become increasingly more and more painful.  Depression makes me feel like I am having an out of body experience as if I have become detached from my own body and I am looking down upon the person I no longer recognize and definitely the person I no longer wish to be and this makes me even more angry.

So you see depression not only makes a person feel hopeless, worthless and sad but it will also make them feel angry.  You see, for starters, depression keeps me awake late at night and up early in the morning.  It makes me toss and turn for hours on end and that lack of sleep causes me additional irritability and the inability to cope with my day-to-day struggles.  It has also made me feel disconnected from my loved ones, disinterested in activities I once enjoyed and I am continuously mourning an overwhelming sense of loss, loss that is of the person I used to be before the Depression set in, which too makes me undergo a great deal of anger.

I know the anger I feel is directed at my Depression itself and even though I know in my heart that it is an illness, I still continue to place blame on myself everyday while battling with an immense amount of guilt for burdening my loved ones with the responsibility of it.  Unfortunately my brain tells me that it’s all my fault, that I’m weak, I’m incompetent and of course that I’m a big fat failure; who wouldn’t feel angry and enraged if someone was constantly telling you all those things?

Depression has stolen four years of my life thus far and you know what, I’m so damn angry.  I have missed out on so much of life especially pertaining to my kid’s lives and I’m so damn angry.  I have lost my ability to find enjoyment in many of the little, yet important things in life and I’m so damn angry.  I have lost time to do the things I once enjoyed too and I am so damn angry.  I have lost friendships that once meant the world to me and I am so damn angry.  My anger is taking a toll on me like never before making me more and more irritable, frustrated and so damn angry!

I am only telling you all this because maybe if I can learn to express my anger outward instead of inward it will empower me to fight it off or try to battle it out.  Maybe if I can learn to stand up to the anger I feel it will allow the feelings and emotions to back down just like a cowardly bully may which is just driving me deeper and deeper into the abyss, formally known as Depression.  Hopefully it’s up for the challenge.