How Meditation Made Me Feel Like A Failure Once Again


*Warning: Sensitive Content*

So another “Summer of Rich” (as he has so lovingly pegged it) officially began at exactly 3pm sharp yesterday afternoon as soon as the bus drove away with our very excited CIT (counsellor in training) and her friends to join her siblings at camp for the next 7 weeks.  He didn’t want to waste a single moment of his much anticipated “break” and so we headed straight away to get our annual husband and wife pedicures (well his is annual).  The last few summers albeit very quiet and less demanding on one hand have also been met with some of our most challenging and difficult hardships to date and so while he was enjoying his soothing and relaxing pedicure it was wonderful to see from the gigantic smile on his face that he was breathing a much needed sigh of relief.

The last couple of weeks for me have been some of the most wearing and tiresome days I have had in a little while which of course only adds to my husband’s long list of tensions and worries (and enthusiasm for the kids to be gone all summer).  I only wish that I could have been breathing that same sigh of relief as my husband was feeling but I just couldn’t.  My mind has been in a complete state of chaos lately and my thoughts have become more and more vivid and scary.   Throughout my journey I have been given many tools to work with in order to turn these vivid and scary thoughts into a more positive and favourable vibe however right now it ain’t flying.

Last weekend when we visited the Healing Sanctuary on my birthday (which I wrote about last week), we were invited to attend a special one night, free meditation class being given by a woman who’s passion, insight and education toward understanding our mind, body and spirit led her to begin teaching the art of meditation two decades ago and has since worked with some of the most renowned spirit leaders in the world.  Although I have been taught some simple breathing exercises and listened to some mindful apps on my phone I have never actually been guided through a bona fide meditation which is something I have wanted to do for quite some time.  We decided that together we would attend the class (and I brought a friend along too) which we knew fell on our first evening of “The Summer of Rich”.  We both went with an open mind and heart in order to learn some inspiring meditation practices that we can apply to our daily lives.

Meditation can benefit anyone and everyone and I truly see its importance in helping someone to reduce stress, anxiety, depression or pain.  It may also assist someone in finding their inner peace, alter their perception of the world around them and in general open our mind’s up to a mentally clear and emotionally calm state; that is unless you’re me!  Last night instead of coming out of the class with a great big sigh of relief and some glimmer of hope that I had wished for (and long for more than anything), I was left feeling like I had failed once again.  Who knew that meditation could leave someone feeling like a failure or that it could actually do more harm than good?

Well I guess I learned something new last night either way because I’m pretty sure that a benefit of meditation is not to have acute heart palpitations or racing thoughts, but what made me feel somewhat at ease after the class was over was when I discussed my experience with the teacher and found out that I am actually not alone.  You see, meditation can be a very powerful tool for someone’s mental and physical wellbeing and when done properly (as it was last night) it can also magnify one’s own self-awareness which can be tremendously valuable to many but for me it simply awakened my current state of helplessness and left me once again feeling very discouraged as I continue casting further judgment upon myself.

I am also left asking myself if there really is such a thing as a light at the end of the tunnel?  Could a subtype of meditation (and mindfulness) techniques bring upon a different outcome for me?   Does practice really make perfect?  Would love to hear some of your experiences with meditation, thank you in advance and oh ya; ‘Namaste’ to you all.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: