I’M TRULY SORRY, FROM MY DEPRESSION & ANXIETY
*Warning; Some Sensitive Content*
Lately I feel like maybe I should be wearing a sign around my neck that reads “I’m Sorry” because my illness has made me feel like I am constantly doing something wrong each and every day and I seem to be apologizing endlessly for my actions or words. An apology is an expression of regret or an acknowledgement of an offense or error. It may also be used when someone is unable to do something or attend an invited event. So you see, my need to incessantly apologize seems pretty darn relevant, right? Well if there is one thing I know for sure it’s that my illness most definitely would agree.
I have created an endless list in my mind as to why I always feel the need to apologize for my illness, a list which I have created out of guilt, remorse, regret and the belief that I am a colossal burden to everyone in my life; and for this I am truly sorry. My illness has not just left an enormous impact on my life but it has also left a significant impact on the lives of so many countless others. My intent has never been to maliciously set out to hurt these countless individuals but my illness seems to have a mind of its own; and for this I am truly sorry.
I’m sorry if you felt as though I somehow intentionally pushed you away or made you feel as though I no longer needed you because you were unable to help me so out of frustration you subtly and indiscreetly removed yourself from my life; the phone calls, the texts, the invitations, one by one slowly began to fade away. I’m sorry if I make you feel that your efforts are unwelcome or undesired when you have tried to send me positive energy and encouraging reinforcements and all I can do is allow my negative self-talk to intervene once again. Please know that my heart detects your genuine intentions and is truly disheartened and sorry.
I’m sorry if I have neglected you during your own sadness and pain or have been unable to be “present” (both literally and figuratively) to celebrate in your happiness or success. My own darkness often consumes me to the point that I am no longer aware of my surroundings and feel numb to the world around me. I’m sorry if I have hurt your feelings or made you feel as though your sentiments aren’t as important as mine but it is just too overwhelming for me much of the time.
I’m sorry if I may frighten you when I talk openly and honestly of suicide and wanting to end my pain. My words come from a place of hopelessness and from an illness that sincerely believes that I am both a burden and a liability to you. My illness tells me that I have nothing to give you in return except for anguish and sorrow and that by relieving you of this burden you will be much better off without me even though my heart may tell me otherwise.
I am especially sorry for those closest to me in my life, the ones who see me everyday and have had to bear witness to the destruction and havoc that my illness has caused our family unit, or the amount of times that it has disappointed, scared and frustrated them. I’m sorry for how my illness has treated you at times, I’m sorry for being distracted from what truly matters, I’m sorry for not always being there for you and I’m sorry for causing you sadness.
I know it may be difficult for you to understand at times, but please know that I am so grateful to everyone who has stuck by me and for loving me unconditionally. I know in my heart that I truly don’t have anything to be sorry for that pertains to my illness as I did not intentionally cause it to happen, but the guilt I feel, the remorse I detect, the regret that I endure and the belief that I am a colossal burden to everyone in my life makes it very tiresome to disregard and for that I am truly sorry.