Category: Mental Health

Happy Birthday Rachel

Guess who’s “Legally Blonde” today?!!

Happy 19th birthday Rachel.

Watching you blossom into the beautiful, intelligent, extraordinarily talented, hard-working and extremely passionate young lady that you are today has been such a privilege.

Dad and I are so very proud of you and everything that you have accomplished, especially this past year.

You always find a way to rise above every challenge you face and I’m in awe of just how focused and determined you are in making all of your dreams come true.

I know you will continue to do great things in life.

I hope that today is filled with only happiness and joy and that all your wishes come true. Enjoy every moment of the year ahead as you embark on your final chapter as a teenager!!

I love you to the moon and back, forever and a day.

#happybirthday #nineteen #mybabygirl #finallylegal  #legallyblonde #paintthetown #futureinteriordesigner #birthdaywishes #loveyoutothemoonandback #littlesis #thingthree #betruetoyourself #keepreachingforthestars #youmadeourfamilycomplete #youareenough

A Perfect Place For A Time-out

I spent this afternoon warding off a wicked headache while doing my best to relish in the final moments of my weekend “time-out”.

But when you live with Depression and Anxiety, often the simplest things or the simplest tasks feel way too overwhelming. 

Most of the things I plan for in my week honestly never get done, even the ones which bring me joy. 

Whether it be preparing a meal for my family, doing a load of laundry, a coffee break with a friend (I don’t actually drink coffee though) or making a quick trip to the grocery store has me crippled with fear. 

I become paralyzed.

Frustrated, angry, anxious, sad.

I tell myself I will try again tomorrow. 

I move things around on my calendar almost daily, even if it’s to remind myself to call a friend back who probably left me a message 3 days earlier. 

I promise myself I will do it tomorrow for sure. 

And then tomorrow comes and everything goes out the window once again and instead I end up reminding myself how worthless I am, how useless I am, how burdensome I am and how much better off everyone would be without me. 

Today there are no scenic  #summerofrich pictures of waterfalls or the beauty of nature to show off, instead today you are seeing a picture of me doing something else. 

Something else that brings me as much joy as going for a hike in nature or taking in the beauty of a waterfall. 

Something else that brings with it a sense of calm just like when I’m out exploring nature or taking in the beauty of a waterfall. 

But I didn’t do it alone, I couldn’t do it alone as much as I’ve tried to for many weeks now. It’s paralyzing. It’s as though my car is paralyzed too.

Over the last few years reading has become an important part of my self-care regime and call me old-school but I much prefer to go to a bookstore than order a book online. 

When I enter a bookstore I feel like the world around me is put on pause. I’m suddenly in a world of imagination and make believe. I can get completely lost in the moment as I slowly stroll up and down each aisle, sifting through the pages of someone else’s story.

It’s such a magical way to spend a “time-out”.

#timeout #reading #bookstores #mentalwellnes #mentalhealth #metime inthemoment #yourementalhealthmatters #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok

Time-Out cont’d

I’m in survival mode right now but I promised myself yesterday that I would treat this weekend as a “time-out” so today Rich and I went on a 3 hour #summerofrich “Fall Edition” adventure chasing several waterfalls, hiking up and down very rocky terrain, jumping through huge puddles, wading in creeks, walking along muddy trails and enjoying the beautiful landscape, change of seasons and the quiet and calm that surrounded us (except for maybe when we encountered 2 individuals who were wearing bright orange reflector vests and carrying a rifle).

We completed about 10 kms of the 28,000 km Trans Canada Trail which stretches from the Atlantic to the Pacific to the Artic Ocean. Only 27,990 km left to go!

We made it back to our car just as the skies opened up and drove part way from Bracebridge to home in torrential downpour but that didn’t stop us from making a pit stop at Webers to pick up dinner for tonight.

The rain eventually let up and we made it home just in time to shower the mud and sludge off and watch Martina Ortiz Luis (I’m obsessed) belt out our National Anthem to a stadium filled (well half filled) with loyal and very excited Leaf fans who have waited more than 18 months to see the puck drop at home. Go Leafs Go. Go Jays Go.

#mentalhealth #survivalmode #hiking #falledition #nature #beauty #timeout #chasingwaterfalls #fallisintheair #ontarioisourstodiscover #mentalwellness  #selfcare #webers #highfalls #bracebridge #transcanadatrail #thegreattrail #leafsnation #soulsearching

Time Out

I am beyond overwhelmed with so much gratitude from all the beautiful and heartfelt messages of love and support I continue to receive on a daily basis from all of you. And the check ins are so incredibly appreciated. 

I am especially grateful right now knowing that my platform is reaching so many people from all across the Globe and that by me sharing my personal journey with all of you is giving permission to someone else like myself to have a safe place to turn to when they are looking for support for themselves or may be in dire need of a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear; without judgment and some reassurance that they are never alone. 

Youareenough712.wordpress.com

But at the same time I am also so incredibly sad knowing just how many people, whether it be a stranger or someone I know that are out there suffering in silence.

But I love helping others and helping others really helps me too.

Even when I’m at my lowest.

This week has been excruciatingly painful for me as you probably know by now (if you missed my Vlog yesterday please feel free to check it out). 

I can honestly say that I have no more tears left in me. 

I am beyond overwhelmed, I feel empty inside and emotionally defeated. 

So I have made myself a promise that I am going to do my best to treat this weekend as a “time out” for myself and I guess the “timing” couldn’t be better because for the first time in over 18 very looooong months the kids will all be gone for the weekend.

Taking care of me will be my top priority this weekend which will include our first #summerofrich “Fall Edition” of the season but first up on the agenda tonight is also another “first” in over 18 looooong months; Date night with Rich at my favourite restaurant using the gift card I received for my birthday (which was 3 months ago already) from a couple of my many beautiful friends. I guess I’ve been holding on to it for that perfect moment.

#timeout #selfcare #youarenotalone #yourmentalhealthmatters #depression #anxiety #suicidalthoughts #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #iseeyou #ihearyou #ifeelyou #advocate #blogger #checkonyourlovedones

Hearing my own voice

*May be triggering*

Today I couldn’t get the words down on paper and so I thought maybe hearing my own voice could help remind me “not today” and help someone else feel hope that tomorrow could actually be a better day afterall.

If you or someone you know is in crisis right now please reach out for help immediately.

https://linksharing.samsungcloud.com/vY61ORv6yenj

#hearingmyownvoice #youareenough #youarenotalone #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #thesilentkiller

Trust Me, I know

It takes alot of energy to worry all the time. 

Trust me, I know.

It’s exhausting.

Trust me, I know.

There’s this sense of impending doom.

Trust me I know.

You feel helpless and powerless.

Trust me, I know. 

It’s nearly impossible to concentrate on anything else in your life when you always feel like something catastrophic is about to happen. 

Trust me, I know.

It’s an overwhelming force that has the ability to suck the joy right out of your life.

Trust me, I know.

You feel its presence everywhere you turn. 

Trust me, I know. 

Others try and convince you that these are just irrational thoughts but they can’t see what you see or hear what you hear or feel what you feel. 

Trust me, I know.

No matter how hard you try to distract them, they just never seem to go away.

Trust me I know.

It’s so damn debilitating.

Trust me, I know. 

You feel breathless.

Trust me, I know. 

You feel defeated. 

Trust me, I know. 

It follows you everywhere, like a dark cloud hovering over you. 

Trust me, I know.

You lose all sense of reality. 

Trust me, I know. 

It takes away your will to live.

TRUST ME BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND. 

#Iknow #iunderstand #iseeyou #ifeelyou #ihearyou #itsoktonotbeok #imnotok #youarenotalone #depression #anxiety #panicattacks #yourmentalhealthmatters #cantcatchmybreath #checkonyourlovedones

My Bedside Table

*Could be potentially triggering to some people*

My Psychiatrist prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication last week as part of my new treatment plan. It’s been several years now since I’ve taken any kind of prescription medication at all to help treat my illness but I agreed to try this in hopes of finding even the slightest bit of relief because asides from my symptoms of depression and suicidal ideations becoming increasingly more and more active and beyond my control over the past month, so too has my anxiety and panic (do you know what it feels like to want to climb out of your skin?).

I began taking them on Saturday morning. 

My doctor had told me during our Zoom call a couple of days earlier that I’d need to take one pill every morning and one pill before bed every night and to then increase the doses to two pills in the morning and two pills before bed after a few days. But just to be clear here, it was actually Rich he was giving the information to, not me, as Rich has been under strict instructions from any and all of my doctors to keep all of my medications out of my reach (like that of a toddler) ever since I began to abuse my use of prescription drugs several years ago. 

I thought I was okay with all this because this medication was not considered an antidepressant as I have made it super clear to every new Psychiatrist I’ve encountered over the past many years, whether it be in a hospital setting or in a Doctor’s office that I no longer wish to be prescribed any more antidepressant drugs, EVER, after experiencing the excruciating side effects they had caused both my body and mind over a period of several years of trial and error which ultimately led to my diagnosis of Treatment Resistant Depression.

So I thought I was okay with all this. 

But by Sunday morning when I awoke to another pill sitting by my bedside table which Rich had left there for me to take, I suddenly realized that I was not okay with it and by Sunday evening those feelings turned to rage as I went frantically searching throughout the house for his hiding spot in hysteria (he had stepped out of the house for a half an hour and I saw it as my golden opportunity).

To be honest though, I’m not really even sure what I was trying to accomplish had I found my stash of pills (including sleeping pills which I was also prescribed and has actually been helping me to get some sleep) but I became inconsolable and in that very moment all I could think of was finding the pills so that I could finally unburden Rich of me once and for all.

I didn’t find them.

It’s now 1:30 AM Tuesday morning as I write this. I could be fast asleep by now had I already taken my new sleeping pill that is sitting by my bedside table but instead I’m lying here in tears, scared and feeling like I don’t want to continue with our agreed upon plan, none of it. 

I’ve been laying here in the dark for hours just staring at the pills which Rich left by my bedside table deciding whether or not to take them. And the demons in my head are dancing around claiming their victory (kinda like the Liberal party in Canada is doing right now as well).

I did eventually shut down the demons bantering just long enough to take them. But I’m not okay with all this, even if I know in my heart it is for my own safety and for the good of my health.

#emotionallydefeated #cantdothis #imaburden #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #depression #anxiety #panic #mentalillness #mentalhealth #treatmentresistantdepression #medication #itsokaytonotbeokay #youmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough

Wife Appreciation Day

Today happens to be “Wife Appreciation Day”. 

To be honest I am feeling very triggered right now ever since I came across this revelation earlier this morning because in my mind I don’t see myself as a wife deserving of appreciation, I just see myself as a burden to everyone, especially my spouse. 

My memories on Facebook this weekend have been flooded with one of the most incredible nights of my life two years ago when I was invited as the Guest of Honour at a launch party for my new children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?”. I was surrounded by so much love and appreciation. 

One of the memories that came up today happens to be the speech that Rich gave that night. I’ve read it probably ten times already this morning as I try to battle with the demons in my head who keep telling me that I’m not worthy of the love and commitment and appreciation others have for me, especially my spouse. 

I wanted to reshare those words with you today that were so eloquently spoken from the heart by Rich, to me, his wife in hopes that the demons in my head get the message!

P.S. For all of you reading this who have an imperfectly perfect wife, make sure you remind them today, tomorrow and forever how thankful you are to have them in your life; I may not always believe it but I am certainly one of the lucky ones because Rich never stops trying.

#wifeappreciationday #burdened #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalwellness #fromtheheart #suicideprevention #facebookmemories #triggers #childrensbook #appreciation #commitment #love #spouses

September 17, 2019

Good Evening

As most of you know I am by no means the writer in our home and my press secretary has been busy working on her own speech all week, so here goes nothing!!

I first met Kim when she was just 18 years young and she began working at the video store I was managing in Thornhill. She caught my eye right away but unfortunately there were MANY challenges standing in our way. Besides the fact that she had a boyfriend at the time and I was busy fending off some lovestruck sociopath, I was now her boss as well, but those didn’t even come close to the biggest challenge we were facing. Ya see, I was close to 9 years older than her (8 years, 7 months and 16 days to be exact). And now that I have 2 daughters of my own who are in and around that same age I can TOTALLY see that challenge from a very different perspective!

But with a combination of male ego, unyielding determination, mixed in with a spoonful of testosterone sometimes you just have to say Screw It and ignore what the haters may think or say and just go for it! By now Kim was just shy of her 20th birthday and had this been in some medievel time she would have likely been considered an old maid already so I saw this as my golden opportunity. But I am still waiting for that dowry!

We recently celebrated 24 years of marriage this past spring and have 3 beautiful kids to show for it, one of whom is busy drinking his way through Europe with some friends as I speak. And like in every marriage or as every parent can attest to there will always be challenging times along the journey which for us surfaced 5 and a half years ago when Kim first took ill.

I have known Kim now for 30 years and have watched her grow and change in so many ways but one thing that has never changed in all the years I have known her is that she has the kindest heart, and she has so much determination and so much will. I know that Kim no longer sees these incredible attributes within herself because of what depression has taken from her but lucky for her there are so many people in her life who love her enough to ensure that she can see what an incredible person she truly is.

I am so proud of you Kim. Jacob, Hannah and Rachel are so damn proud of you too. You may not see what we all see in you but I will keep reminding you of it every single day for the rest of our lives. You may not see that what you do for so many people by writing your blog and opening up to the world about what it truly feels like to battle with major (and treatment resistant) depression and SEVERE anxiety and panic every single day. You may not see how your vulnerability and honesty has helped so many others feel less alone and you may still not be able to call yourself an author and believe it to be true but you are an author, I mean City TV interviewed you for the six o’clock news last night if that isn’t proof enough!

But you know why you are an author…because you had a vision, because you have such a creative soul, because you are so kindhearted and because you have such an unyielding determination and innate will to help others. You have accomplished more than so many others because of all that. You have made your dream come true even through the darkest days of your life. You have found your purpose.

Look around the room tonight Kim and see all the love surrounding you, they aren’t just here for the free food and drinks! They are here to celebrate you!

Jacob Hannah Rachel and we can’t forget Maggie (our dog) and I love you to the moon and back! And now without further ado…let me introduce to you, my beautiful wife and best friend.. children’s author Kim Fluxgold!