Category: Mental Health

The Elephant In My Room

THE ELEPHANT IN MY ROOM

Recently I made a donation to a non-profit organization which has grown to become one of the leaders in bringing Canadians together to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness by working closely with a variety of Nationally acclaimed and most-connected mental health services available in Canada. Their main objective in doing so is to provide a strong, cohesive voice to individuals suffering with a mood disorder/mental illness by helping to improve upon our access to treatment, to educate & continue research as well as to further develop & increase program availability & government policies. Through collaboration with their partnerships they are able to work on a wide-range of these projects and initiatives to help those suffering with often debilitating but treatable mental illnesses.

One such campaign they have developed is called “The Elephant In The Room” Anti-Stigma Campaign. The main purpose of this campaign is to end the stigma most often attached to mental illness which for many of us can actually be more detrimental to their well-being than the illness itself. The negativity, disrespectfulness, discrimination and judgment associated with a person having a mental disorder keep many, many people afraid to seek treatment or reach out to a loved one for help.

We have all heard the expression before “The Elephant In The Room” which signifies that there is a “major problem or controversial issue that is obviously present but avoided as a subject for discussion because it is more comfortable to do so.” Basically it’s what many people do when it comes to mental illness.

This campaign is trying to do the opposite of what the definition conveys by sending each individual who makes a donation an actual little, blue happy faced elephant to be placed anywhere you like in your home, your office, your car or even to carry it with you in your purse, briefcase or knapsack. I truly loved the powerful symbolism of what this little, blue happy faced elephant represents and couldn’t wait to have one of my own to let everyone know that when they enter my home it is a safe and stigma-free zone.

My elephant (seen in picture) is now proudly on display by my front door to welcome anyone who visits the opportunity to talk about whatever they need to without feeling any sort of negativity, discrimination and most of all judgment. It’s these small but powerful steps we can all take in ending the stigma together.

What A Catastrophe

WHAT A CATASTROPHE!
If you were to look the word catastrophizing up in the dictionary (okay so nowadays we call it Google) you will probably see my picture right above the definition. Catastrophizing is when an individual has an irrational thought or feeling which they believe to be far worse than it actually is. The catastrophic thought or feeling may have to do with a current or immediate situation that the individual is in or it may also occur when they are thinking about a future event. Either way they both can gravely affect the mind of someone suffering with depression and anxiety.

From my own personal experience I can tell you that it directly impacts all aspects of my life (and that of my family too) including my behaviour in general, my ability to function on a daily basis and my overall quality of living. I can take any seemingly normal situation and magnify it by a gazillion making it seem much more severe, frightful and even disastrous than it would be for others in a similar situation.
If I try and look at the positive side of catastrophizing (you see sometimes my glass can be half full!) then I can never truly be disappointed except for the fact that there are way too many negatives attached to it which far outweigh the one quasi positive outcome.

Unfortunately catastrophizing every single situation really means that reaching any kind of goal for me (big or small) becomes that much harder, it means a constant reminder that I am a failure or that I am going to be stuck in this state of mind forever. Catastrophizing also means continuously ruminating unhealthy thoughts and feelings, that something bad is going to happen to me or someone I love and that I am unworthy of any kind of love or friendship. Put all of that together and you have one gigantic catastrophe.

And now you also have a person who suffers with very low self-esteem, a person who suffers with an endless feeling of despair and anxiety and a person who suffers with an immense amount of insomnia. And for what? Because I know deep down inside (very deep) that 9 times out of 10 these catastrophic situations are nothing more than figments of my broken perception of what is real and what is not.

But I also know that I can’t be alone in feeling this way, I can’t be the only one believing my own narratives or giving too much consideration to something that isn’t actually a threat or true? I can’t be the only one who makes a mountain out of a molehill or will only “expect the worst” without ever remembering to “hope for the best”. ‘Cuz ya I have to be honest, it’s a very scary and lonely place to be sometimes.

Neurofeedback Session #1: Will Practice Really Make Perfect?

Today was my first scheduled Neurofeedback session which arrived with a great deal of anticipation, anxiety and rumination as I have spent the past 2 weeks since I was last there talking myself out of doing it for fear that it would result in another failed attempt at recovery and further hopelessness. So it should be of no surprise to you that as Rich drove me to my appointment this morning he needed to pull the car over while I was in the midst of having a panic attack that caused me to throw up at the side of the road.

Feeling a shred of relief we eventually arrived (only a bit late) at the clinic still feeling anxious, dizzy, overwhelmed and weak (which is probably not the best way to start off) but I sat down in the waiting area where I was given a glass of water to drink and Rich went and got me a bagel from Tim Hortons while I attempted to calm myself down. Once he got back we were escorted into one of their “training” rooms and we were briefed on what the session would look like (Rich was allowed to stay and observe the entire session, which he thought was really neat!).

It all sounded pretty darn cool even if I only understood half of what the technician was telling us (he has been patiently walking me through this process from my first phone conversation we had about a month ago). But even if much of the information we were receiving was a little bit too “sciency” for me there is simply no denying from watching the expressions on the technician’s face and listening to the enthusiasm and passion in his voice that he truly believes in this concept and that he honestly cares about my wellbeing and that he sincerely loves the work that he does. That has to give anyone hope, right?

This first session was purely a learning curve, figuring out what may work for me and what may not which included so many variables, some of which are very technical right down to the musical overtures playing as my brain is being rewarded. It may even take a few sessions to play around with several of these concepts like to what degree the program is set at in order to challenge my brain, but from just one session I definitely knew what didn’t work for me, including the musical selection, so next session I will try more calming sounds of a harp!

I really don’t know how to truly explain how Neurofeedback actually works because I am honestly still learning and figuring out how the hell it can work or better yet will it work for me but to put it in layman’s terms one might compare it to the “high” we get from playing the slots in Vegas or our favorite video game from the comfort of our couch. The slot machines are programmed to reward you a certain percentage in order to keep you excited and make you want to continue playing with its positive reinforcements. Same is true in most video games where each time you reach a new level the bells and whistles go off which will also keep you excited and wanting to continue playing.

Essentially when my brain is being rewarded with those same auditory and visual rewards as that of the slots and video games it’s getting positive reinforcement and retraining your brainwave patterns in an irrefutable manner. I’m still very unsure about whether or not continuing with this treatment is doable right now after the toll its taken on me both physically and mentally these last couple of weeks but either way it looks like I could achieve an honorary Master’s degree in Psychology and my PHD in Neuroscience if nothing else!

Quoting John Lennon

You’ve probably heard this famous quote by John Lennon before, you know the one where he sings to his beautiful boy that “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”, a quote that seems to have become a self-contradiction in my own life. And what better time of year to reflect upon this quote than the beginning of a new year when everyone around you is busy making plans, setting new goals and looking toward their future.

You see making plans, setting goals and looking toward the future have not been an easy feat for me over the last 4+ years and that is why during this time of year I have stopped pressuring myself to do so because well you can probably figure the reasons out for yourselves by now (see blog New Year’s Resolutions & Depression, Dec 14, 2017). Sure I may do all those things on the exterior to give my life a false sense of direction or purpose but in doing so, it only seems to backfire leaving me feeling a further perception of hopelessness and failure.

This New Year’s is one that I won’t soon forget that’s for sure. While getting ready for bed the other night and anticipating the final day of 2018 both my husband and I simultaneously fell ill with an acute stomach bug (we are so insync!) that kept us up for the remainder of the night and asleep for the remainder of 2018. Such is life and there was nothing either of us could do about it but accept it for what it was; a very shitty end to a very shitty year (but at least I didn’t have to feel guilty this time for ruining our New Year’s plans all by myself since he was an equal participant!).

If I have learned anything throughout my journey it’s that life is so unpredictable and some things are just beyond our control and ya basically “life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans”. When I reflect upon the last 24+ hours I simply just want to laugh until I can cry no more. How am I supposed to feel any type of positive emotions as we move into 2019 when I continue to feel like I’m always being punched in the stomach (which is ironically how I do feel right now from having the flu)?

I just want so badly to believe that this was not another evil or cruel sign of what’s to come as the new year begins. I just want so badly to believe others when they offered their kind words and support yesterday, wanting me to believe that it is not another evil or cruel sign but instead a sign of a new beginning, a fresh start, a cleanse if you will. I just want so badly to feel hopeful as the new year begins and I just want so badly to believe in myself again. Is that really too much to ask knowing that life is going to continue to happen no matter what plans we try and make?

I Bought Myself A Present

It may very well just be another one of the latest fads or gimmicks or maybe it’s just another aesthetically pleasing decorative piece that sits on your desk at work, your fireplace mantel or on your bedside table collecting dust but either way I figured I have nothing left to lose so I bought myself a Pink Himalayan Salt Lamp.

A Himalayan Salt Lamp is a hand-carved solid block of Himalayan pink salt crystals which have been hollowed out to allow for a light bulb to be placed inside in order to release heat and light. The lamp’s intended purpose is not that of an ordinary lamp because the chunks of salt are meant to produce negative ions and releases many positive effects on indoor air which may help to enhance your quality of sleep, reduce cold and asthma symptoms, purify and cleanse the air, raise your energy level, and its pinkish glow is said to help reduce anxiety and produce a calming feeling which of course can be very therapeutic and mood enhancing.

I have found myself struggling to write lately as I have been even more distracted than usual and my mind is beyond cluttered so I decided to place my new lamp in the most central part of my home for now where I spend the most time and where I do most of my writing and I also figured this way everyone else could benefit from it as well.

At the end of the day it’s probably not going to cure my mental health issues but after a few days of it sitting on top of my fireplace mantel I was able to find a way to start writing these words (even if only for a moment) and maybe just maybe it will one day (sooner than later) help me to replace the toxic blue light source I so fondly depend on until the wee hours of the night with its beautiful pink light source in order for me to get a good night’s sleep.

Neurofeedback Results; My Brain is Stuck & Exhausted

It’s been just over a week since I went for my Neurofeedback Assessment and had scheduled my follow up appointment for today.  It gave me an entire week to talk myself out of going to the appointment, ruminating and incessantly telling myself “what’s the point?”  In my mind this is just going to be another failed attempt at my recovery, another reason for self-doubt and another cause to lose more hope.  But the problem was that I had scheduled the appointment specifically around my husband’s work schedule so that he could come with me which basically meant that there was no turning back.

Upon arriving at the clinic we met with one of the resident psychologists in a room with a very large tv screen on the wall that had larger than life pictures of my brain patterns on it.  He first began by presenting us with a great deal of clinical psychological and neuroscience mumble jumble information which too was displayed on the tv screen. Some of the information brought back memories of psychology 101 in University, but much of it went way over my head.  Once he switched focus to the screens which centered on my own personal results and were clearly labeled (for us regular folk) did it begin to sink in.

The results essentially showed that my brain is stuck and exhausted!  I could have told you that but probably not in such clinical terms! My “z-scores” (google it, I’m too exhausted to even try to explain properly) which indicates how many “standard deviations” an element is from the mean showed to be far greater than the norm in every category (too many categories to list).  They could also see from my brain patterns several reasons why traditional treatment with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications have not been successful.

All of the results in their eyes were a “win-win” for potential success using Neurofeedback training to help with my recovery.  As they had mentioned last week to me they would like to start with 10 sessions and then re-evaluate my progress with 2 additional brain scans and compare them to the original results to see how I am doing in a clinical sense at that point.  They originally felt 2 sessions a week would be okay but upon calculation of the results they would prefer I try and start with 3 a week instead (which is very overwhelming).

Of course having my husband with me today meant that these appointments were to be on the calendar before leaving the clinic because my overwhelming hesitation and lack of decision making skills he saw on my face would have resulted in me walking out of there ruminating and incessantly telling myself “what’s the point?” right through to the New Year.  But instead, as of right now, Saturday January 5, 2019 has officially become my new “New Year’s Day”.

All I Want For Christmas…

Okay so maybe I don’t actually celebrate Christmas but who amongst us that doesn’t hasn’t at one time or another in their lives dreamt that they did?  I’m pretty sure that at some point in your childhood you wished that you were baking cookies for Santa Claus and leaving them for him to enjoy with a tall glass of milk or maybe you’ve dreamt of waking up on Christmas morning and running downstairs to open all the beautifully wrapped presents underneath the perfectly decorated tree that Santa left for you while you lay all snug in your bed.

But here’s the truth though, no matter how much many of us may exude with happiness and good cheer during the holiday season or get caught up in the Hollywood fantasies, only seeing the world around them in the colours green and red, there are many, many more of us who only see this time of year in the colour blue.  It doesn’t mean that you are by any means a “Scrooge”, it most likely means that the holiday season may intensify your already fragile being. And even though I don’t celebrate Christmas I find that this time of the year is particularly triggering for me so you can only imagine how someone like myself who is suffering with depression and anxiety may feel when they are in the throes of it all.

This time of the year places a lot of increased and sometimes unrealistic demands on people both emotionally and financially and many of us succumb to the pressure of it all leaving little to no time to take care of ourselves.  And then there are those of us who may also be feeling especially lonely and vulnerable as well.

For me my triggers aren’t necessarily about the increased obligations or the financial demands, it’s more about an inner loneliness and vulnerability amplified by the sights and sounds of the holiday season that precipitate many happy and sad memories and emotions.

Either way, if someone you know is suffering with depression and anxiety this holiday season make sure to show them extra kindness, reassurance and understanding.  Help them by acknowledging their feelings (not ignoring them) and be cognizant as to how difficult it may be for them to commit to or participate in the overwhelming, pre-planned commitments with family and friends.

If they aren’t able to be with you for the holidays make sure to reach out to them in other ways and letting them know you are thinking of them.  And remember that if they do join in on some of the festivities and are seemingly enjoying themselves it does not take away from the fact that like myself, they too are probably “smiling through their depression” (see blog; When Depression Smiles, June 10, 2018) and still in need of that extra kindness, reassurance and understanding.

We have all heard the saying before “Christmas is the season of giving, not receiving”.  And giving someone a small token of your love who may be suffering during the holiday season or maybe even a small gift that shows that extra bit of kindness or reassurance and understanding can really help them transition through it a little bit easier and a little bit more comfortably.  So why not try a token or gift that shows all that and more; a token or gift of self-care. This may include; an inspiring adult colouring book; a massage; some essential oils or lotions to help relax the mind and body; some beautifully scented candles; a salt lamp; a journal or book of healing or maybe even a comfy pair of pyjamas or fluffy socks.  And I bet that as you are reading this Santa and his elves are busy at the North Pole right now wrapping up lots of these presents for your loved ones helping to make this holiday season a little bit brighter and a little bit gentler for everyone.

Should I Keep Writing?

As if the last few weeks have not been difficult and confusing enough for me while I continue to question and contemplate every aspect of my life right down to my own self-worth and reasons to live to then suddenly and unexpectedly become the victim of a very unwelcomed, unsolicited and totally disturbing message of a sexual nature from someone I once considered a friend.

Upon first glance I thought I had been hacked until I re-read the content of the message a few more times and realized it was 100 percent real and I was in complete and utter shock. I was afraid and embarrassed to show it to my husband for fear of what he would do upon reading it, but after becoming so visibly shaken and totally upset it was difficult for me not to share it.

The definition of sexual harassment can encompass many things and included in that definition are “unwanted messages, or materials of a sexual nature, unwanted sexual teasing, jokes, remarks and questions about a person’s personal sex life, as well as sexual comments, sexual innuendos or stories and asking someone about their sexual fantasies, preferences or history”. These are only a glimpse into the many interpretations of what falls under the definition of sexual harassment but I chose to just share with you the ones that have affected me directly.

Since I began sharing my journey with you as openly and honestly as I can 2 years ago (yup time flies) it has been met with a lot of mixed emotions on my part. My hope from the very beginning was that in sharing my experiences with you I would be able to help others who may be struggling in silence (or at a whisper) to feel less alone, to feel that it’s okay to not be okay, to feel like someone is listening, to feel like someone understands them and to feel like they can start talking above that whisper. And as difficult as it has been for me to share many of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with you, I know that I have accomplished my mission by the outpouring of messages I receive each week. And I also know that together we are helping to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Writing has forced me to see and feel things I could have never imagined before I began blogging, much of which has been positive and some of which has not. Before I began blogging I would journal a lot for myself (which is a very therapeutic exercise) and I still do so today by keeping track of things that I feel I cannot share with others. However my intentions for writing my blog seem to have somehow been misconstrued by someone this week as their right to give me uninvited, hurtful, distasteful and disturbing “advice”.

I have now spent the last few days questioning everything I say, everything I feel and everything I write. Did my blogging somehow elicit this behaviour or did I somehow “ask” for “it” by the content I discuss? Maybe I’m being too sensitive? Maybe I deserved it? Why am I feeling so ashamed and embarrassed and guilty? Why can’t I just get over it and move on, as it’s over, it’s been dealt with and yet here I am writing about how maybe I shouldn’t write again for fear of being taken advantage of again or for fear that I am harming others or for fear that people are misreading, misinterpreting or misunderstanding my intentions? Why does everything always seem to hurt so badly?

#metoo

#METOO
Ever since I was a little girl I have always had the ability to make friends easily and have forged many incredible bonds throughout my life. Whether it’s for a lifetime or just for a moment in time, each of these friendships have added meaning to my life. I always want the best for others and I always try to only see the best in everyone. Throughout my journey I have met some incredible people, many of whom I now call friend but many of whom began to add toxicity to my recovery and I needed to block from my life. But it’s not only these newer friendships that sometimes bring toxicity to my recovery, sometimes it’s from people I considered my friend long before my illness began, leaving me no choice but to block them from my life as well for the sake of my wellbeing. Even if I always want the best for others and I always try to only see the best in everyone, sometimes I just need to “choose me” because I can only save one person at a time. Last night I was left feeling a little more broken by one of these friendships when I became a victim of sexual harassment. It left me feeling ashamed, afraid, sad, anxious, guilty, hurt and angry until I eventually cried myself to sleep. I don’t cope well with any of these emotions and NOONE has the right to make ANYONE feel any of these emotions EVER, whether it’s from a stranger, a relative, a co-worker, or a friend.

#metoo #youarenotalone #kindness #ichooseme

My Brain Overload; Next Steps With Neurofeedback

I hear from others all the time how brave I am, how courageous I am or how strong I am as I continue to fight my way back to who I used to be but the thing is (as I am sure you can probably predict what I am about to say by now) I don’t feel any of those things and with each passing day or each new roadblock I feel like it is just a losing battle.  It has been a very emotional, confusing and extremely exhausting week thus far and my brain is in complete overload which has begun to spill over into my physical well-being too.

As I mentioned in my last blog (Dr. Phil Update; 12.9.18) I feel like I’ve been let down at this point by the Healthcare System in Ontario and the resources available to someone like myself who is suffering with a treatment resistant major depressive & severe anxiety disorder.  Being labeled “treatment resistant” in Ontario I have recently (and sadly) discovered that if an antidepressant pill can’t “fix” me or if I am no longer willing to risk my physical well-being from the dreadful and often times frightening side effects I endured for two and a half years (with no mental relief) then therefore I should no longer be treated by our Healthcare System (apparently not even for safety purposes), one that every Ontario citizen has the lawful right to.

So instead as you know I have had to take desperate steps toward finding alternative treatments that are not covered by our government which of course now comes with an entirely new set of emotions and after weeks, if not months of research I am beginning that next chapter in my journey as I mentioned the other day as well, feeling anything but brave, courageous or strong.

On Monday, I met with a Neurofeedback specialist, along with my husband to learn more about the treatment, what exactly was involved in it and if it was even something I could try.  This treatment has intrigued me for quite a while now and even though my negative inner self-talking shithead voice tells me “don’t waste your time or your money because you’re a failure, your helpless, your hopeless and most definitely worthless” I was encouraged to learn more anyway.

For those of you who don’t know “Neurofeedback is an evidence-based treatment to help regulate electrical brainwave activity to reduce the severity of symptoms.”  Neurofeedback actually dates back to the 1960’s and has proven results for improving symptoms in both adults and children suffering with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, OCD, Epilepsy, Autism, Strokes and much more including chronic pain associated with Migraines and Fibromyalgia.

“Neurofeedback gives the subject information about their brainwave patterns.  Electrodes attached to the surface of the head (non-invasively) are used to record and analyze brainwave activity in real-time.  As the Neurofeedback training occurs, the brain is rewarded with visual and audio feedback when it displays optimal functioning. The brain learns to grow, adapt and improve the flexibility of its processing.  Over time, the client learns what it feels like to be calm, focused, relaxed and alert and eventually learns to regulate their brainwave patterns easier to match the demands of many different situations.” (info from Neuropotential Clinic pamphlet)

Okay so that’s probably enough of a Science/Psychology lesson for today.  While meeting with a Psychologist on Monday I was asked some overall questions relative to my situation and how they could help me.  Little did I know how much of a brain overload I was in because I spent a good part of the hour crying as I talked about some very sensitive topics.  And as with anything in life there are no guarantees, they listened intently to my story but at no point in time did they make me any guarantees that this is the treatment that will finally push my recovery into full swing.  They did however ensure me that they have several other treatments they can try in the future though.

With the information we received we then decided to proceed to the next step which was to come back for a complete assessment with the Clinical Psychologist who oversees all treatments (well my husband by this point made the decision because had I been left to decide, that same negative inner self-talking shithead voice would have overpowered me).  So I met with them today for an hour and a half, going through my entire history as he made notes as to what the focus of my treatment should be. I then was hooked up to the EEG machine where I was asked to first sit still for 10 minutes with my eyes closed, then another 10 minutes with my eyes open while focusing on one object or focal point (that was not an easy task) as they recorded my brain patterns.  This is in order for them to then sit down and examine the results, comparing my brain to a healthy 47 year old female brain (I’m not sure why they kept needing to know if I’m right or left handed??) and determine a treatment plan.

They recommend about 40 sessions 2 to 3 times per week and will keep me involved every step of the way and consult with my own therapist when needed as well.  If after about 8 to 10 treatments they determine through a re-evaluation that it is not working for me then treatment will be seized immediately and possibly try something else.  So for now I will await the results and treatment plan next week and go from there. I will be sure to keep you posted, even though you may be busy sunbathing on the beach somewhere in Jamaica or Mexico by then.