About a month prior to the onset of the Covid-19 Pandemic I had registered my family to participate in a Walk for CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) in support of #MOBYSSinmotion; a confidential mobile Walk-in-Clinic for Youth and a wonderful resource for our young people who may be facing crisis right now.
CMHA has played an important role in my life over the last 6 years and I had donated some proceeds from my book sales last year as a thank you for the services they provide to both adults and youth in Canada which was why I wanted to participate in the event and why I didn’t want today to go unnoticed so I found a picture perfect place for us to enjoy a beautiful hike on our own in honour of the walk/run/bike event since it was of course cancelled.
Oh and I should also mention that it was 5 months ago today since I had my last cigarette!
It’s been a very overwhelming week for me with a lot of mixed emotions. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and emotions with you, along with a handful of the 100’s of special messages I’ve received over the last several weeks and a short video that the management team at Kids Help Phone sent me as a small token of thanks and appreciation.
But I truly couldn’t have done any of this alone and as I wrap up my “Class of 2020” Graduation Initiative and reflect back on the last 6 weeks I want to make sure that I say thank you to everyone who helped make this Campaign the incredible success that it was. I will start by saying thank you to the nearly 700 young graduates whose smiles and gratitude have been forever captured upon first sight of their front lawn, their front window or even their schoolyard playground decorated with a sign honouring their efforts and a reflection of a time in their lives that acknowledges so much more than a feeling of loss and sadness but of a time in their life when they became warriors and battled through the loss and sadness with such resilience and strength.
Thank you to the 100’s of parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends who made sure that their special Graduate’s efforts did not go unnoticed starting from Kindergarten all the way up to Medical School Graduations. And another thank you as well to all of you for acknowledging the incredible efforts of Kids Help Phone with your generous donations which helped raise $10,000 and ensure that more young people feel less alone.
I also want to say thank to Josh Benezrah for making sure that each and every sign that I ordered was printed and delivered to me with lots and lots of TLC. And to my amazing friend Shawna Smoke who once again helped turn my vision into a reality. You are uber talented.
And last but not least, to Rich who deserves an extra special thank you by giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “going the extra mile” as he spent the last month putting 100’s and 100’s of extra kilometers on his car, schlepping me to the ends of the earth some days, making sure each sign was perfectly in place on every lawn and letting me scream and cry whenever necessary!
You have all shown me the true meaning of teamwork. Please take a moment to watch the video from @KidsHelpPhone and if you would still like to make a donation you can do so at: youthareenough@gmail.com
My final delivery of Grad signs is set to arrive some time later today and then my final delivery will begin. I’m still receiving emails daily from people wanting to order a sign for their Awesome Graduate but I’ve had to tell them “No”, and it’s been really, really hard. My responses to each message have been overloaded with one apology after apology because in my mind I’ve let them down, I’ve let a Graduate down, I’ve let Kids Help Phone down and once again I’ve let myself down too.
I know what you are gonna say but still it’s a constant battle I have with my mind and my heart. I don’t want to disappoint anyone and I need to constantly ensure that everyone else’s happiness comes before mine. My head knows that it’s impossible to please everyone all of the time but my heart is often willing to sacrifice it so that I don’t let anyone down.
But I have said “No” this week too many times now to keep count, I kept my word to those who help me set healthy and emotional boundaries and I stuck to them and with each message I returned in fear of disappointing someone was answered with nothing but respect, understanding and the utmost of support…and of course a tad bit of disappointment too but in themselves for having waited so long to reach out! But hey, life gets busy you know; even during a Pandemic.
I placed my final order of signs first thing this morning which will be printed and then delivered later this week. I knew a week ago that I needed to wrap up my Initiative for the sake of my mental health but as I wrote in my blog last week “How Can I Say No?” I struggle a great deal with saying No.
Yesterday the emails were still pouring in non-stop; and even as I took some much needed time for myself to go for a hike I panicked at the thought of all the emails I would have to return when I got home. And knowing that I was taking my final orders that day made the panic worsen at how I could possibly get back to everyone on time.
I did get back to everyone and when I told them it was to be my final night to take any new orders, everyone responded very quickly but it still didn’t help the fact that I would be letting many others down who would continue to contact me today, tomorrow or even next week.
I knew going in that my Campaign would only be short term but now as the school year is beginning to wind down I feel like I am letting so many people down and disappointing so many others by simply saying No.
I truly never imagined 5 or 6 weeks ago that my little idea would take on a life of its own, a life that has now exceeded every expectation I had and crushed every goal I made; but then why do I feel so guilty, why do I feel like it’s never enough or that I should be doing more?
There is still time to contribute to my Class of 2020 Graduate Initiative and help make a difference in a child/youth’s life. Please feel free to make a donation at: youthareenough@gmail.com.
While on route today delivering more lawn signs I made an extra special stop to the home of one of the Managers of Kids Help Phone to drop off an envelope with a cheque in it for just under $8000. Like so many others right now, the staff at Kids Help Phone are adjusting to a new way of life by having to work from home (and for the foreseeable future) in order to help flatten the curve and stop the spread of Covid-19 but I didn’t want to have to wait several more months for Kids Help Phone to reap the benefits of the 100’s of generous donations I’ve received and so the kind young gentleman (who I’ve been in constant contact with since the start of my “Class of 2020” Graduate Initiative) offered to have me drop it off to him to ensure it got into the right hands now.
We spoke for a little bit outside his home (and 2 meters apart!) and he shared with me some of his goals he is working towards right now for our youth during Covid-19 and beyond and how much donations like this can help turn these goals into a reality.
I told him that I will have another cheque for him in a couple of weeks once I wrap up my campaign which is officially winding down this weekend as my mental health is taking a toll right now from it, but as of this evening I am very close to doubling my original goal of $5000 and ya that’s pretty cool with me.
*Feel free to reach out to me before Sunday night to honour a “Class of 2020” Graduate! And if you or anyone you know is feeling sad or angry or frustrated or scared please reach out to Kids Help Phone 24/7. They are now servicing all children, youth, frontline workers and even adults.
I received another shipment of “Class of 2020” lawn signs (over 200 to be somewhat exact). As last week wrapped up and I could barely see straight anymore and was feeling extremely vulnerable and overwhelmed I went to bed that night with a promise to myself that I had taken my last order. I tried reminding myself that delivering close to 600 lawn signs over the course of one month was an incredible feat (with several drives that were close to an hour North, South, East and West of the City) and I even tried to convince myself that I should be very proud of what I have accomplished by raising over $8000 for Kids Help Phone to date; and then before I knew it, morning had come.
You see, I have a very hard time feeling like anything I ever do is good enough, worthy enough or just plain old enough. And I also have a very hard time saying no, I want to say no, and I often need to say no but the guilt of saying no can far outweigh my ability to set healthy boundaries even if it means that I’m compromising my own mental and physical health for it.
I went to bed that night having set several healthy boundaries in my head. My plan was clear as day, I was not going to take anymore orders; no matter what!!! I needed to focus my energy instead on wrapping up my project and on the upcoming delivery, which included mapping out a very clear and concise plan as to how Rich and I were going to conquer the current deliveries with as little conflict as possible. I had also been preparing those who inquired about Grad signs last week and even part of the week prior (before I knew that I was going to appear on the evening news) that if they wanted to place an order they needed to confirm with me by Sunday evening because I would no longer be accepting orders after that (month end).
I know we can’t always please everyone and that creating healthy boundaries can help ease some feelings of guilt but when I woke up Monday morning and my inbox already had another dozen or so messages from parents and loved ones of a “Class of 2020” Graduate wanting to lift their spirits I just couldn’t say no.
Each sign I have sold has come with its own unique story and I have had the privilege of hearing many of these stories about so many AWESOME “Class of 2020” Graduates and many stories have also included how much Kids Help Phone has played an important role in their lives.
I wish that when I do say no that I can do so without guilt of course but also without feeling like I have to always apologize for saying no, or explain myself for saying no or feel like I’m being judged for saying no or that I’m letting others down for saying no and besides all that; didn’t Nancy Reagan teach us that it’s okay to “Just Say No!”?
It’s National “Say Something Nice Day” today! Today is a gentle reminder that we always need to use kind words and show kindness and empathy toward one another every day. We’ve all heard the saying “Practice makes perfect” right? So today I dare you to say something nice to someone or about someone and that you continue to practice doing so each and every day moving foward to ensure we help make a better tomorrow.
There is also another saying that we have heard from a very young age which is “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Words can cut deep and once they are said they can’t be taken back so please choose your words carefully because our words matter.
And while you’re at it maybe you could drop off a jar of olives and a hazelnut cake to someone who needs a smile, a kind word or a gentle reminder that they matter because today is also National Olive Day and National Hazelnut Cake Day too!
While Rich and I drove through the city streets yesterday (delivering lawn signs) we passed a street named “Newman Avenue” and it suddenly dawned on me that I’ve now been a “Fluxgold” longer than I was a “Newman”.
When we first got married 25 years ago I never hesitated or even gave it a second thought that I would legally change my last name to Fluxgold, I mean it definitely had a lot more flair and originality to it than “Newman” did so why the heck not and by 1995 when I got married, I was seriously pretty tired of being the butt of so many very unoriginal Seinfeld jokes anyways!!! #heynewman
But please don’t get me wrong, I will always be grateful for the amazing memories my maiden name has given me, it will forever be a part of who I used to be and has continued to be a guide as to what I don’t want to be and it’s definitely a reminder of a much simpler time in my life, you know, the time when I rarely had to correct someone who may have misspelled or mispronounced my last name!
Have you ever truly asked yourself before; What’s in a name? If I could just quote Juliet from “Romeo & Juliet” for a moment here (wow that’s a statement I never thought I’d write) when she says “that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
This quote from Shakespeare tells us that a name doesn’t truly matter nor does it truly affect what or who you really are and besides all that, haven’t we always been taught from a very young age anyhow that what’s truly most important, what truly matters or what truly counts most in life is what’s on the inside and when you reference my profile page on Facebook I think you can find the answer. (See pic)
I have a really hard time accepting help from others, that is everyone except for maybe Rich. What does that exactly mean though; well it means that if I allow someone to help me or do something nice for me then that would mean that I’m weak and incapable of doing it myself, right? And wouldn’t it also mean that I’m a failure too?
I know that most people only offer their help without any ulterior motives in mind and that for every 1 person whose willingness to help others may have ill intentions in mind I also know that there are ten more people who are wanting to show their support or lend a helping hand because they genuinely want to help and it actually gives them great joy when doing so.
In the Jewish faith this would be considered a “Mitzvah” or in the English translation it is considered to be a “good deed” to help someone with a conscious act or emphasis on kindness and empathy.
Throughout my journey I have had no shortage of kindness and empathy or heartfelt sentiments being offered up to me and my family at any given time but it’s always hard for me to let others help me and most of the time I honestly can’t even explain the reason why.
I know my illness has a lot to do with it as I am constantly telling myself that I’m weak, I’m incapable, I’m a failure, I’m unworthy, I’m undeserving and I’m useless. I feel as though I have no control over my life whatsoever and then to allow others to help me feels like I am giving up complete control all together and making me feel even more vulnerable. Oh and my favourite of course is the guilty feeling I get when someone does something kind for me.
Over the last few weeks and even more so this week I have recieved an abundance of kindness from loved ones, acquaintances and even strangers, offering to help me in whatever capacity they can with my Initiative. Maybe now would be the perfect time for me to embrace the moment and give others the opportunity to feel the same way I feel every time I brighten up a young person’s day!!
As of the end of day today I, along with my Co-Pilot Rich will have delivered approximately 300 lawn signs (give or take a few) across the Greater Toronto Area (and beyond) and we still have lots more to go. It’s been an incredibly overwhelming experience for me so far but more importantly it’s been an incredibly successful and rewarding one too.
Every time I drop off a sign on someone’s front lawn (or porch) honouring one (or more) of our “Class of 2020” Graduates I have either been lucky enough to witness the surprise and gratitude on their face myself when they first see the sign or shortly thereafter I receive some of the most amazing and heartfelt messages and pictures of both support and appreciation from the recipient’s family where I find myself imagining the moment instead.
Either way I can tell you that it feels amazing knowing I have in some small way made a young person smile (and even do cartwheels). But yesterday someone tried to knock me down and when you’re already feeling vulnerable, it basically leaves you completely deflated (see blog: “Yesterday”; May 23, 2020) Shortly after I delivered one sign in particular yesterday a woman messaged me to say how disappointed she was at the size of the sign (insert SMH) and then continued by saying how the sign looked much bigger in the photo that was taken for our local newspaper (SMH again). I politely replied to her that I’m sorry she felt that way but I guess the editors of the paper purposely enlarged the photo of the sign to get the readers attention (I’m also pretty sure there’s a name for that, however I’m no expert in the field of Marketing and Advertising).
I guess that now I know for the next time there is a Global Pandemic and our kids have to endure more loss and disappointment in their lives I would insist that there be a Legal Disclaimer attached to any pictures in the paper saying “Size May Vary”.
I continued to tell “The Hater” that the lawn signs are all a standard size and if you are to compare them to every other company lawn sign in your neighborhood it is the same size and maybe even a bit bigger than others. But I also told “The Hater” that the point of the sign was not for its size but rather a small tribute to their child (or children) who are missing out on so much in their lives right now. I also told her that sadly she has forgotten what these signs were meant to represent in the first place and that I have only received kindness and support from 300 other families thanking me for doing what I am doing for such a great cause (SMH). @kidshelpphone
I know I shouldn’t let this “Hater” take up space in my head or try to knock me down. You can’t please everyone all of the time and some people get satisfaction from being hurtful and what’s even worse is that some people live with so much hate in their hearts which is just so sad, but besides all that, haven’t we always been taught that “Size doesn’t matter”!!! (SMFH)
YouAreEnough 
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