Category: Guilt

Moving Sucks

It’s been well over a week since I have done any writing. I sometimes find that I put a lot of pressure on myself when I feel I should be writing which of course only leads to so many other dysfunctional impairments in my mind. But I have a good excuse this time even if my mind is more wrapped up in guilt as usual. You see, we moved last week and as many of you know from your own personal experiences, moving can be very stressful. In fact moving is actually listed as one of the top stressors someone will experience in their lifetime. It’s right up there next to divorce, the loss of your job and the loss of a loved one.

So I’m pretty sure that you can only imagine how it affected me. You all know that I suffer with a major depressive disorder and severe anxiety but what many of you may not realize is that the concoction of both these diagnoses combined has also led to a distressing OCD disorder over the last several years and the stress leading up to our move and the days that followed only highlighted it more.

OCD for those of you who may not know stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and most often includes obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours which can become so consuming that they severely affect your daily life. OCD is actually an anxiety disorder “characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and ritualized, repetitive behaviours you feel compelled to perform.” And like any other anxiety disorder, you probably have a clear understanding that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours are not rational yet you are still unable to resist them.

Moving to a new home comes with several psychological and emotional stresses. It can symbolize new beginnings to many which of course would be my number one wish but for me instead it comes with fear, worry, doubt and anxiety first. My obsessive thoughts and impulses take up a great deal of my time and energy and my mind is constantly cluttered by my compulsions leading much of the time to panic and anger.

There was however an upside to our move and although it may feed right into my OCD, it also helps to release some anxiety at the same time. It may also produce a lot of chaos around me as well but at the same time it can help to release some anxiety too by having the ability to declutter and rid myself of all the toxicity from my previous residence (and there was plenty). I am also so grateful to have so many special people in my life who helped lessen some of the clutter and chaos in my mind this past week with every genuine jester and act of kindness both physically and emotionally 🙂

Are Bucket Lists Bad For Your Mental Health?

The other day I posted something on my Facebook and Instagram pages and attached a picture of a cute little dog with a caption that read “Is writing a book on your bucket list?” It seemed only fitting when I saw it as I had just found out that I was being awarded a grant from a non-profit organization for the publication and outreach of my children’s book which also meant that something I had only dreamt about for a long time was no longer just a wild dream but in reality one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

The thing is though, writing a children’s book, or actually publishing one wasn’t even on my bucket list at all, and the reason being is that I’ve never given it much thought to having a bucket list. I mean I have always had goals and aspirations, or things that I have always hoped for or dreamt about experiencing in my lifetime just like everybody else but I have only ever made a mental note of them. In order for something to truly be considered part of a bucket list one must write them down, keep track of them, create timelines, make plans or goals and then scratch them off your list one by one throughout your lifetime.

When you really stop and think about where the meaning behind a bucket list originated from it can feel quite morbid as this list is a reflection of what you want to accomplish before you die or as the phrase implies; “kick the bucket”! This can often result in poor mental health when we become consumed with trying to check all these items off of our list suggesting that it’s the only way we can win at life.

So why can having a bucket list result in poor mental health? Well for starters, bucket lists focus on things that are often unattainable to most people and can in turn cause anxiety or depression. It’s very important to set goals and have aspirations, along with hopes and dreams but if it’s on your bucket list it may lose its meaning all together behind the actual experience, the reflection of the experience and the ability to live in the moment when all you really care about is making sure you check each item off your list as quickly as possible.

Social media today of course can also play a huge role in why a bucket list can become harmful to our well-being because somewhere along the way we have lost what is truly important and that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. When you see others scratching items off their bucket list it can make us second guess our own goals and aspirations as well as our hopes and dreams.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and over the last several years it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Birthdays often make us reflect on the year that has just passed and of course on the year ahead but this year in particular I find myself reflecting even more than ever as I continue to battle for my survival. Like a bucket list, our lives are forever changing and growing and if you do have a bucket list I’m pretty sure it has changed and grown with age.

I do make lots of lists (probably daily and you should see how long the list is right now), but more of a to-do list in order for me to be able to function even just a bit but as little as those items on my to-do list may seem to others, they are my goals and aspirations and sometimes my hopes and dreams and when they aren’t able to get scratched off right away I feel like a complete failure. But at least I know that even if they are small items and meaningless to others, they are attainable ones and seeing as it’s unlikely that I will ever go skydiving one day (seeing as I’m terrified of heights and flying that is probably the worst example ever) or eat croissants in a cafe in Paris, for now, my survival depends on just checking off the little moments in my life instead.

Do you have a bucket list? If so what’s on your list? Is it alphabetized, prioritized, colour coded or theme based? Who have you shared it with? How often do you add to it or make changes?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Let’s All Show Our Pride

The month of June is better known as “Pride Month” which celebrates the LGBTQ community by raising awareness of sexual diversity and gender variance. Pride month also helps increase self-affirmation, inclusivity, dignity and equal rights in the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender communities. And although we may have come a long way since its inception, the LGBTQ community still lives in very frightening times and many are too afraid to be who they want to be for fear of rejection, judgment, ridicule, violence, prejudices or discrimination.

Due to many of the challenges that the LGBTQ community face it is of little to no surprise that they are among the highest rate of any one community to suffer with Mental Health challenges, more so than the general population. Just imagine yourself as a young child, frightened because you feel “different” from the rest of your peer group or imagine you try to hide your “differences” for fear that you may be rejected, judged, or ridiculed by your peers and family, or imagine longing to be able to connect with other peers who are also “different” but you don’t know how to, or imagine still that those “differences” you have been trying to bury for so long become known within your peer group and suddenly you find yourself the victim of discrimination, prejudices or worse, violence.

These are just some examples of what individuals in the LGBTQ community may struggle with for part or all of their lives which can easily escalate into Depression, Anxiety and Trauma when they begin to lack self-worth and self-acceptance or begin feeling hopeless and alone. The long term effects of internalizing their negative self-talk can also create many additional struggles of both shame and guilt. They may feel shame and guilt for being “different” or for feeling the way they do, or for doing what they do, all of which can lead to further emotional and physical scars.

Many of you reading this right now may have once been that frightened young child, or maybe you are still struggling with the pain and anguish of being “different” in your adult years or maybe you were one of the lucky ones who found support from your friends, family and community right away. Either way it is especially important to recognize and celebrate the “Pride” movement and everything and everyone it stands up for as they take the mental health of their communities very seriously and bring people together in such a meaningful way.

Celebrating Pride month helps us imagine a world where being “different” is okay, where being “different” is acceptable and that we should all embrace our differences in one another because isn’t that what makes the world a much brighter and more colourful place to live just like the Pride flag so boldly represents.

The Call To Courage (Brene Brown)

I recently watched the Brene Brown special on Netflix called “The Call To Courage”. If you are unfamiliar with her work let me assure you that she is worth knowing. Brene has a PHD, an MSW and is a Research Professor at the University of Houston. She is also the author of MANY #1 New York Times bestselling books (many of which I have read) and has spent most of her career researching and studying Courage, Vulnerability, Shame and Empathy and she is now the first person to have a filmed talk available on Netflix.

“The Call To Courage” was both witty and exceptional and also proved from start to finish how important and necessary it is for us to choose “courage over comfort” by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. As I sat there listening to her speak I found myself captivated by her truth and honesty and began to see the parallels between what she was saying and my own life because I realized that I have been choosing “courage over comfort” by sharing my story with you.

I’ve been choosing to have conversations about the “uncomfortable” things; I’ve been choosing to communicate about my shame; I’ve been choosing to express my fears and I’ve been choosing to “show up to the arena” which according to Brene is the bravest thing any of us can do. Theodore Roosevelt first coined the phrase “showing up to the arena” during a speech he gave way back in 1910 but Brene has taken it to a whole new level and through to a whole new century by showing her audience how truly important it is to be vulnerable.

I just wanted to share with you a small snippet of his speech. In it he states; “It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.”

I’ve also been choosing to share my story by owning my truth, by trying not to betray myself for worry that I will be judged or ridiculed by other people and by “having the courage to show up knowing that you can’t control the outcome” but at the same time also understanding that the only true pathway to getting there is by being marred by the dust, sweat and blood while exhibiting your vulnerability.

Just thinking about choosing to show up to the arena is petrifying and filled with so much uncertainty and risk. What if we fail? Or then again, what if we succeed? But as Brene points out, winning the race may not be about coming in first after all but instead it’s more about being brave enough to “just come off the block and get wet”. Something I need to try and do every day by continuing to choose “courage over comfort”.

Am I “Enough”?

The word “Enough” can be used to express just about anything but since suffering with Depression and Anxiety it seems to be one of the most overused words in my daily negative self-talk. Everyday my inner critic tells me stories and of course my most favorite one of all is when it tells me that “I’m not good enough”. It also loves to remind me that “I’m not worthy enough”, “smart enough”, “capable enough”, “attractive enough” or even “skinny enough”.

Life has been testing me a lot lately, like way more than ever before and it’s really hard to remember when the last time was that I actually felt like I was “good enough”, “worthy enough”, “smart enough”, “capable enough”, “attractive enough” or even “skinny enough” and I have to tell ya, it’s beyond exhausting and overwhelming.

A couple of years ago I designed a logo (see picture) with the help of my husband’s friend which conveys a simple yet powerful message to each and every person suffering with a mental illness which reads; “YOU ARE ENOUGH”. I have since adopted this logo to several other aspects of my life including the name of my blog.

This is not a new phrase by any means but one that means a lot to me, a message that needs repeating each and every day. “You Are Enough” does not mean that you are without flaws, it does not mean that you are all done evolving, it does not mean that you are perfect, it does not mean that you have everything you want, it does not mean that you don’t have any weaknesses and it does not mean that you can’t still make plenty of mistakes.

What “You Are Enough” does mean however is that you are “good enough”, “worthy enough”, “smart enough”, “capable enough”, “attractive enough” or even “skinny enough” no matter what your struggles or imperfections may be. It means that no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, you have nothing to prove to the world because you are who you are and that is more than “good enough”. It also means that no matter what, you have a purpose and that being you is the best damn person you can be, not to mention, the bravest one too.

I am continually being told that “I Am Enough” just the way I am and even though I may not be able to see it or think it or feel it I certainly hear it. Hearing the words “You Are Enough” reminds us that whatever you did today, whatever you felt today or whatever you thought today was okay, maybe it was even more than okay, maybe it was f@*king awesome because that means that being you, whoever you are; “You Are Enough”.

What does being “Enough” mean to you?

Giving Back

As I continue to focus on Mental Health Week I was reminded just how broken the Ontario Healthcare System is. With that in mind I wanted to share a letter with you that I received in the mail the other day. We’ve all received similar versions of this letter before from various Hospital foundations, Alumni groups or Not For Profit organizations and whether we choose to support their cause or not we know that giving them our support is much appreciated and most often a worthy one. But as I opened this letter and read the very first line I was faced with a mix of emotions. At first I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry but quickly those emotions turned to anger and frustration.

Many of you may recall a few months ago how I shared some of the most vulnerable moments of my journey thus far which included several visits to the emergency room that week including the one in which this letter is from, a hospital I was all too familiar with after spending many months in.

But that particular week they turned their back on me after opening up to them with pure, heart-wrenching honesty, telling them my thoughts of suicide. I also told them that I was no longer taking medication and I that I no longer wish to take medication for very good reasons, but I was not worthy enough to be helped unless I would agree to take medication and I was also told that their outpatient services could not help me either unless I again agreed to take medication. By the next evening I found myself in yet another emergency room after attempting to act on those thoughts.

I have given back plenty over the years to many causes and foundations and especially over the last several years for very obvious and personal reasons and I will continue to do so with some of the proceeds from my upcoming children’s book but certainly not to a place that made me feel even more unworthy than I already do.

Yes I came to you as a patient in need of help and yes I had profound trust in you, but you let me down when I needed you the most. I was at my most vulnerable and felt unsafe and you were unwilling to help me. And even though you may be a world renowned hospital who has been at the forefront of incredible research and development, much of which could not be possible without the help of generous donations, you left me a little more broken that day which I never knew was possible.

Please check out my blogs “My Grim Reality” (Nov 21, 2018); “Thank You From The Bottom Of My Heart ” (Nov 25, 2018) and “I Don’t Think I Can Get More Honest Than This” (Nov 30, 2018) for those of you who may have missed them. https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

One Day At A Time

This is my friend Lisa; okay let me rephrase that; this was my friend Lisa one year ago today. In this picture Lisa weighed just 84 pounds and was taken just before she began her lifesaving journey toward wellness after a 20 year battle with anorexia and bulimia.
To say this past year has been hard would be an understatement but nothing will ever compare to what her eating disorder took from her and her family for the last 20 years. She knew that day when she took this picture that if she didn’t take that first step forward toward recovery that she would likely die, and soon.
Eating Disorders actually have the highest mortality rate of all Mental Illness Disorders yet only 1 in 10 people who suffer with an eating disorder actually seek treatment. There are many types of eating disorders and often begin developing in adolescence or earlier, many of which can go unnoticed for years.
Today, one year later Lisa is in recovery and has been fortunate enough to achieve a healthy weight as she continues on her daily journey toward wellness. Recovery is not something that happens over night, it will most likely be a lifetime of good days and bad days for Lisa and many others struggling with an eating disorder but what truly matters is staying on that pathway to becoming happier and stronger every day.

Her family and friends are so proud of the strides she has made in the last year and I know she is too. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder and need someone to talk to Lisa has made it her life mission to be there to listen without judgment any way she can and has given many talks in the community and been featured in a video for CAMH as well. Feel free to reach out to her Facebook page SHYNZ Mission or follow her story at: https://wordpress.com/post/20yearsaprisoner.wordpress.com/8808

It’s Mental Health Week: Let’s #GetLoud Together

Today marks the beginning of CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) Mental Health Week. Every year since 1951 CMHA has been celebrating Mental Health Week beginning the first Monday in May and focuses on raising awareness to end the stigma surrounding Mental Illness while promoting good Mental Health in all Canadians.

One very important message that CMHA focuses on in its yearly campaign is to help all Canadians understand that everyone of us has Mental Health but that not everyone of us have a Mental Illness. Mental Health is the umbrella that covers our emotional, psychological and social well-being which basically affects the way we think, the way we feel, the way we handle stress, the way we relate to others, the way we make choices and the way we act overall through different stages of our lives.

A Mental Illness on the other hand can result from an obtrusion in our emotional, psychological or social well-being which has sadly become all too familiar and commonplace in today’s society, affecting 1 in every 5 Canadians at some point in their lifetime. Many of the more commonly diagnosed mental illnesses can make an individual lose their sense of self, their sense of purpose, their sense of belonging, their ability to contribute to society, their ability to feel joy or their ability to be resilient; all of which I have lived with for five years now.

CMHA’s campaign slogan #GetLoud continues to educate Canadians year after year on the importance of good Mental Health by using several different tools to help us all get in front of many of the signs that may be overlooked in someone suffering from a Mental Illness whether it’s your loved one, your co-worker, a member of your community or a student in your classroom. The campaign is more than just about promoting happiness, it’s about learning how to live a well-balanced life, one that we all deserve. It’s also about learning how to reach out to others, learning how to become more self-aware, learning how to be more proactive in our self-care and it’s about learning how to become a stigma-free society.

So let’s all #GetLoud this week and make a promise to continue to #GetLoud the other 51 weeks of the year as well, for anyone and everyone who is struggling with a Mental Illness until we are all able to find our sense of self once again, our sense of purpose once again, our sense of belonging once again, our ability to contribute to society once again, our ability to feel joy once again and our ability to be resilient once again in a non-judgmental, non-discriminatory STIGMA free society.

***Go to http://www.cmha.ca and check out more information on how to #GetLoud***
*** References http://www.cmha.ca ***

A Reminder To Keep Fighting

So the other day I wrote a blog which I hope you have had a chance to read but if not I’ll forgive you. I spoke of how I got to meet someone the other night who I have admired from afar for a long time now; Michael Landsberg. He was so incredibly kind and he truly is one of the greatest advocates for Mental Illness in Canada. He was also so genuine and focused as we spoke in length about my illness and the battles I have endured for 5 years now trying to find some relief while searching for that “one” treatment that may finally help me. He also reminded me that I can never stop fighting till that day comes, no matter what. He then reiterated this to me again in an email the next day where he recalled much of our conversation we had. As I also mentioned in my blog, Michael does a daily VLOG on his charity’s Facebook page and yesterday while I watched it I immediately felt as though he was talking right to me through the camera’s eyes, directly into my heart. I am so grateful to have met such an incredible man. Please take a moment to watch his video for me and for the millions of others just like me who are battling this deadly disease, who have lost hope and who just need a little reminder to keep on fighting.

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #bekind #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #treatmentresistantdepression #sicknotweak #dailylandsblog

My Evening With Michael Landsberg

Last night Rich and I attended a speaking engagement at a nearby Synagogue in Toronto where the guest of honour was Michael Landsberg. This was just one of many speaking engagements Michael does throughout the year all across Canada and from all walks of life, but it was the first time I was finally able to attend. As many of you reading this may already know, Michael is a Sportscaster and former Anchor for TSN’s “Off The Record” and current host of an early morning radio show called “First Up” but to me he is so much more than all that. To me, and to so many others, Michael has become one of the most notable voices throughout Canada in the Mental Health community.

Through Michael’s own struggles with Depression and Anxiety over the last 20 years he has managed to turn his natural ability for public speaking toward helping others find their own voices. He became one of the first keynote speakers for Bell Let’s Talk Day at its conception and while at one of his speaking engagements about 10 years ago Michael declared, “Obviously I am sick, but I sure as hell am not weak. I am sick, not weak.” And from those very real words his not-for-profit organization #sicknotweak.com was eventually born in 2016.

#sicknotweak.com has many objectives but it’s main one is loud and clear. Michael wants the world to understand that mental illness is a sickness, NOT a weakness and he can be seen spreading this message and many other inspirational ones on his daily VLOG which he does 364 days per year (he takes 1 day off per year). He does his VLOG most days from the comfort of his own home in Toronto and is sometimes in the company of special guests like his own son who also openly discusses his struggles with mental illness too (and now his new puppy Wrigley makes a daily appearance as well and will bring a smile to your face no matter what kind of a day you are having).

I first started following Michael’s story a few years ago and I now look forward to listening to his short yet informative and heartfelt VLOG’s every day along with his many insightful posts and tweets at #sicknotweak.com and @heylandsberg. I feel very much a part of his community and I have even had several of my own blogs posted to their Facebook page in the past couple of years.

Yesterday was one of those days that my depression and anxiety were too much to handle for me (unfortunately lately I’ve been experiencing a lot more bad days than good ones) but I have wanted to see Michael speak in person for quite some time now and I have wanted to meet him even more than ever before and so last night with some much needed encouragement (from my therapist) I was able to do so and it was everything I had hoped it would be and more.

Before he began speaking to the crowd my husband and I were fortunate enough to meet him personally. I shared with him a brief look into my journey and told him how much I appreciate the work he does for the mental health community. He gave me a hug (of course he asked me first!) and we took our seats. He spoke for a good hour and followed it up with a question period from the audience where strangers shared personal anecdotes and struggles proving that TOGETHER we can end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

During the hour that Michael spoke he was witty, charismatic and beyond sincere in his message. EVERY single word that he spoke resonated with both Rich and I, almost as though we were the only two people in the room. After he finished speaking, much of the audience crowded around him to speak to him on a more personal level, some about sports and some about mental illness (he was missing the Raptor’s game for this, but it’s ok cuz they lost!). He had said to me when we spoke earlier that evening to come talk to him again afterwards and he really meant it because when it came to our turn he excused himself from the rest of the crowd and walked away with us to a more private area to talk some more.

As crazy as it may sound, I feel like I made a new friend last night, someone who I could reach out to if I ever need a little extra support from someone who genuinely understands my daily struggle and who genuinely understands what depression really feels like because sometimes speaking to someone who genuinely understands your very confusing, isolating and often frightening emotions can truly make all the difference in someone else’s day, I know it did for me.

Please follow #sicknotweak on Facebook and @heylandsberg on Twitter.