Category: Fears

At Least It’s Not All In My Head

I’ve mentioned before that many studies show that there is a correlation between the level of inflammation in our body and Depression and that the higher the markers of inflammation are, the more likelihood that your body may reject antidepressants and lead to a diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
Throughout the last 5.5 years my doctor has had to keep an eye on my inflammation markers because they have often been at higher than normal levels and may just be what ultimately led to my diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
For those who missed my blog yesterday “The Physical Side Of Depression” (Nov. 21, 2019: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com), I mentioned how I have been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body over the last 5 or 6 weeks and a feeling of exhaustion much different than my regular feeling of exhaustion from lack of sleep which led my doctor to send me for a full body scan the other day. I received the results of that test yesterday afternoon and the good news for me was that the pain I’m feeling may actually not just be all in my head like my depression and anxiety want me to believe, but the bad news is I now need to have further tests done because the scan found high levels of that said inflammation in my wrists, my arms, my spine/lower back, my hips and my legs.
I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now thinking that “The Physical Side of Depression” may have led me to this point in my journey and that somehow I caused this to happen. I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about the possibility of learning to live with yet another so called “invisible illness” like Arthritis as that is what they are now looking further into. I’m feeling hopeless because what if my body rejects more medications and more treatments on top of all the ones it already has? To sum it all up, plain and simply I’m feeling defeated.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #chronicillness #youareenough #inflammation #invisibleillness
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The Physical Side Of Depression

I spent several hours yesterday having a bone imaging test done. Over the past 5 or 6 weeks I’ve been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body and it has been getting increasingly worse to the point where I decided (or was encouraged) last week to finally make an appointment to see my GP; something that I avoid doing at all costs as I find it very difficult to even just pick up the phone to make the call. Sadly, my depression and anxiety are constantly chattering back and forth in my head telling me that I am bothering her and making me feel guilty for bothering her which in all honesty I know is the furthest thing from the truth and that my doctor has been nothing but one of my greatest support systems since day one but it just gets too damn exhausting trying to argue with a warped sense of yourself all the time.

When you picture a person struggling with depression many individual’s first thoughts that may come to mind are that of someone who is sad, someone who isolates themselves or someone who sleeps a lot or not at all. What many individuals may not realize is how much depression also affects someone physically.

Throughout my journey I have been affected by my fair share of physical challenges, many of which have caused a limited ability to do everyday tasks and have also included countless visits to doctors and specialists, much of which were due to many of the medications I was taking and although I have recently started a new medication (see blog: Should I Or Shouldn’t I; Oct 30, 2019) these symptoms began several weeks earlier. However I have now been on my new medication for just over 2 weeks and the physical side effects have sometimes made it difficult to know what may be from the meds or not as the pain has become so unbearable some days and my new psychiatrist has decided to wait a few more weeks to increase my dose.

My depression and anxiety have become quite heightened over the last 6 weeks which I have mentioned, along with many (or most) of my senses have also become super heightened too (especially sounds and smells) and lets not forget to add in a spoonful of sudden hormonal changes as well and now the task at hand is to figure out if there is any correlation between them all.

Physical symptoms are very common in major depression and major depression can most definitely cause physical distress and long term physiological distress as well but for now my doctor is taking all the necessary precautions in order to rule out other causes of my pain first, something that any great support system would do!

Who are your greatest support systems?

#depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether

Being An Advocate Through Lived Experience

It’s no secret that I am extremely passionate about Mental Health and over the last few years I have become more and more vocal about it, however, I often feel like I’m a fraud, a fake or even an imposter. I mean how can I begin to make changes to the way in which mental illness is looked upon by so many if I don’t have a degree in Psychology (I do have one in Sociology though!) or how can I make others understand that mental illness does not discriminate against anyone if I don’t have a degree in Psychiatry, or how can I make someone feel safe enough to take off their mask and start a life changing conversation if I don’t have some other kind of degree in healthcare? Well I guess the simple answer is; I have something way more valuable to offer because I have lived experience.

I may not have figured out yet how to help myself, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers but being able to openly and honestly share my story knowing that someone out there feels less alone or that someone out there shows more compassion toward a loved one who is suffering with a mental illness or that someone out there no longer judges another person because of their mental illness then I am happy to be that poster child who can help advocate for change and help end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Being able to connect with so many people (both young and old) during what has been the most challenging part of my life can be quite liberating and cathartic for me but often times after I share a blog or post something on Social Media is when I feel most like a fraud, a fake and an imposter. I mean how can I spread hope to others when I myself feel so hopeless or how can I tell someone their life is worth living when I don’t feel like mine is?

But when I am able to calm the anxiety and negative self-talk down a level or two and realize that I don’t need to be “better” or “cured” or “recovered” to help someone else feel less alone or to support them or their loved ones along their journey or to feel empathy and compassion toward others who feel just as hopeless or worthless as me because we share that mutual understanding and bond that goes beyond what any textbook can give us.

Our lived experiences may all be unique to each one of us but having the strength to share our stories together can make the greatest impact of all!

“The Spoon Theory” How Many Spoons Do You Use In A Day?

I recently read an article describing what it feels like to be sick with a chronic illness and whether or not it’s a mental or physical disability (or both), most days we need an army of spoons just to get through. The “Spoon Theory” is simply a metaphor which was created by a woman by the name of Christine Miserandino who suffers from Lupus and one night while enjoying a dinner out with a friend she was caught off guard when her friend asked her what it truly felt like to be sick.

It is so difficult to really grasp a true understanding of what a person battling any mental or physical illness feels and as much as I try to help others understand, it’s really hard to lay out every detail and emotion of every single day. But using a handful of spoons (or any other cold metal object) could actually do the trick! You see, a healthy mind and body start off each morning with endless possibilities, they don’t need to think about how their actions or routines are going to affect their day like that of someone with a mental and/or physical disability would. This is where the spoons come into play!

As a healthy person holds the bouquet of spoons in their hand they never quite give a second thought as to how many spoons they will need in order to get through their day but when you are battling a physical and/or mental illness those spoons become your lifeline. When Christine handed her friend the arrangement of spoons and told her to count them one by one and to be conscious of how many she was holding in her hand, but more importantly to be very careful not to drop any of them as they are sacred to a person who is sick. Her friend did as she was told and counted them one by one but was disappointed to discover that she only had twelve all together and proceeded to ask for more. Christine laughed at her and explained that she wished she could find a way to have more than twelve spoons to hold on to most days.

These spoons are by no means a crutch, an excuse or a way to obtain sympathy but more so they are a means to an end. Each and every day I (and countless others) wake up and are immediately faced with challenges as well as many sacrifices and I can probably speak for those of us who face physical and/or mental struggles daily that we would give anything to not have to be faced with these internal/external struggles in order to keep going.

Now I’m gonna ask you to take a moment and think about your day to day routines, chores and leisure activities you do and as Christine told her friend, don’t leave anything out even if you think or it may seem so simple or mundane because they are not so simple and mundane for me. Just by opening my eyes each morning I have already lost my first spoon of the day because I can’t just jump out of bed to start my day. For starters, I have barely slept, I don’t want to get out of bed and then the anxiety, exhaustion and guilt begin to unravel the rest of my day and slowly take away a spoon at a time.

The energy it takes to physically get out of bed, to shower, to prepare a meal, to get dressed, to get to work or to go to school for many people struggling with a mental/physical disability can be so challenging that they have already lost six spoons before even leaving the house in the morning. And then there are the days where it’s still early in the evening and you only have one spoon left and have to make choices and sacrifices in order to make it right up until bedtime. Sometimes you may need to borrow a spoon or two from tomorrow just to get through today but then you run the risk of feeling even more depleted tomorrow.

I hate feeling like I always have to make choices and sacrifices that can often affect other people around me but when I’m faced with losing that very last spoon I have to in order to keep a reserve of spoons for days ahead and it’s especially important to have that reserve in order to do the things I can with the people I want holding my “spoons” the most.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Verdict Is In

Believe it or not this has been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made throughout my journey thus far. In case you missed my recent blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) the verdict is in and now I lay in wait. #inneedofsomegoodvibes #hardestpilltoswallow #battlingmyinnervoice #waitinggame #scared #fears #noshame #honesty #courage #justanotherdayinmylife #onelasttry #neversaynever #antidepressants #ichooseme #heregoesnothing #herewegoagain #itsoktonotbeok #nomask #endthestigmatogether #treatmentresistantdepression #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #whatif #startaconversation #selfcare #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough #youmatter #youarenotalone #yourmentalhealthmatters #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

Should I Or Shouldn’t I?

As most of you who have been following my journey know, I gave up on medication several years ago after being diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression. I struggled for close to 3 years with trying to find the right concoction of medication that could help lift my mood and keep my anxiety to a minimum.

I experienced severe side effects from trying over 20 medications (sometimes 3 to 4 at one time) which led to a tremendous amount of physical health challenges and many additional mental health issues too. I had enough and so did my husband. Throughout the last few years since coming off my medications I have continued desperately to find other kinds of treatment that would hopefully do what the medications were unable to do and without having to endure any additional and sometimes quite serious side effects that they were causing.

I don’t think anyone can say I didn’t try hard enough except that is for my inner voice that keeps telling me every day that I haven’t tried hard enough, that I should have tried harder, that I need to try harder. It’s that same inner voice that agreed to go see one of the top psychiatrists in the city when I was presented with the opportunity recently.

I have not been to a psychiatrist in a couple of years mainly because after my wonderful psychiatrist left the province I never found anyone who seemed to be truly invested in my recovery which is what led me to find other avenues myself most of which have not been very successful to say the least.

As I have mentioned over the last few weeks my symptoms of depression and anxiety have become amplified to an all time high. I have been battling with more panic attacks and worsening anxiety than ever before along with very intense suicidal ideations which is why when I was presented with this opportunity by someone who may not know me well but is just as invested in my journey wanted to help make this connection happen quickly and from the kindness of her heart.

I am beyond grateful that so many people have not given up on me and go to great lengths to ensure that I don’t give up on me either. I have already met with the new doctor a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and we have discussed with both me and my husband many avenues we can take from here and in the near future. One such avenue is of course medication.

He is well aware now of my history with medication (and my GP sent him the endless list of the ones I’ve already tried) and he is definitely aware of my fear of even thinking about trying one more. He discussed one in particular with me today that he feels could be worth being that one more try. He talked about it’s benefits compared to many others I’ve been on before, we talked about the side effects that terrify me and he gave me handouts on it and wrote me a script which he said if I decide to try it he will monitor me every step of the way and that he will increase it at a snail’s pace for me.

So what do I have to lose at this point? Should I or shouldn’t I?

#mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #youareenough #medication #antidepressants

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Panic Attack

I’ve been experiencing an extraordinary amount of panic attacks lately which have been quite damaging to both me and my entire family unit as well.
It’s difficult for someone to truly understand what is going on inside another person’s head and especially when what they are experiencing seems totally abnormal to a normal healthy brain. And I for sure don’t expect anyone to understand what a panic attack actually feels like if you have never experienced one before and boy do I hope you never will.
But either way if you are ever in a situation where someone you care about is having a panic attack try to ease their fear, remind them that they will be okay, encourage them, give them positive affirmations and remember to
stay calm and stay with them if you can. And more importantly do not minimize their feelings even if you think their fear is irrational; judgment and criticism will only make things worse for everyone.
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The Climb

*May be triggering* if you or someone you know are in crisis please call
1-833-456-4566 (Canada)
I’ve been battling with a lot of demons in my head this week. It’s not like it’s anything new to me as I’ve been battling with these same demons non-stop for more than 5 years now but this time they seem stronger and louder than ever. Much of the time when my suicidal thoughts come and go I’m able to shut them down or sometimes if they catch me totally off guard at the most inopportune moments I can manage to change the conversation or find a distraction, but then there are the days or even weeks like this one when that all seems near impossible and near fatal for me.
I recently came upon a quote from a poet by the name of Najwa Zebian which she wrote: “These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”. This quote has been on my mind all week as it feels like a metaphor for the demons I am battling right now for those mountains she speaks of are my suicidal thoughts and ideations that keep weighing me down and won’t allow me to climb above.
The thought of climbing that mountain is very scary and very lonely to say the least and the burden of not being able to has become so painfully overwhelming and exhausting. I keep trying to climb the mountain but then I lose my grip and it pulls me back down at full speed like an avalanche crashing through like a herd of wild animals.
One of the best things I can do for myself when the demon’s voice becomes this overpowering is to get up and walk away from it which is what Rich helped me do today. We decided to do a #summerofrich #falledition as the warm fall air and beautiful sunshine allowed us to do.
We visited High Park. What better way to try and climb that mountain than by looking at the gorgeous fall colours, walking the endless wooded trails, stopping to take in the beauty of the calming streams and ponds, breathing in the beautiful historical gardens and landscaping and being able to be up close and personal with the wildlife that lives within the park. I may not have climbed a mountain today but I certainly climbed a lot of hills.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicide #mentalhealth #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #highpark #summerofrich #falledition
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Zero Tolerance- Bullying Is Never Okay

Ever since the news broke last week that a young boy’s life was brutally cut short by a senseless act of bullying, I have not been able to stop thinking about it. We’ve all heard stories of bullying, some of us have been witness to it and many of us have fallen victim to it.

Bullying can affect everyone, starting from the bully himself (herself), to those who witness the act and especially to those who are being bullied. Bullying is defined as “a conscious, willful, deliberate repeated and hostile activity marked by an imbalance of power, intent to harm and/or threat of aggression” and the impact from such behaviors often lead to severe mental health issues, substance abuse, academic problems, suicide and last week it led to murder in a school yard as this poor boy’s mother watched in horror.

Devan Bracci-Selvey was among many students who had fallen victim to bullying by several other students at his high school since the start of the new year and they along with their families and friends had been begging for help from both the school’s administration and the police force since early September. So much for zero tolerance policies in schools??

I’m not gonna sit here and pass judgment as to whether or not I believe that the school board in his district and/or their police force failed to properly protect Devan and his friends from harm (another child transferred to a new school just a week or two prior to this incident), I’m certainly not gonna sit here and tell you that through the ongoing investigation I hope to see many of the individuals involved fired from their jobs for their lack of empathy and support and I’m definitely not gonna sit here and argue about how pathetic our criminal justice system for youth is and how these murderers should be named and tried as adults but instead I am just gonna honour Devan’s memory.

Whether it’s physical, emotional, verbal or cyber bullying, it is not okay, in fact bullying is NEVER okay. Bullying can happen to your child while they are at school, while they are on the playground, while they are walking in their neighbourhood and even while they are in their safe place, lying in bed and chatting with friends online.

Bullies don’t necessarily discriminate either, anyone can be a target of bullying which is why it is so important for parents, caregivers, educators and friends alike to watch for signs that this could be going on, that is of course unless you are lucky enough to have a child who will come to you first.

But sadly, many children don’t and for whatever their reason, it’s likely that they feel too ashamed or intimidated to ask for help and in turn begin to suffer with severe mental health issues, substance abuse, academic problems and in many cases, they turn to suicide.

Devan and his friends did all things right; they asked for help from trusted adults, they tried to avoid their bullies, they stood up for one another and they leaned on one another for comfort, right up until the very end and now those left behind will be leaning on one another even more. RIP DEVAN

#stopbullying #showkindness #checkonyourlovedones #bullyingisneverokay #zerotolerance #lookoutforeachother #seesomething #saysomething #mentalhealth #suicide #knowthesigns

#youarenotalone #startaconversation #youareenough

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It’s Thanksgiving Today And “I Get To”

Thanksgiving isn’t really a holiday that we celebrate in our home (although my kids have been dying to make pumpkin pie; I’m just not quite sure who’d actually eat it though!) but the significance of the holiday is certainly not lost on any of us.
I am grateful, I am blessed and I am thankful for having each one of these Goons (insert loving tone here 💕) in my life and I know that no matter what challenges we may face, obstacles we must overcome or hoops we will jump through, we “GET TO” do it together.
Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks to those who mean the most to us and to express our gratitude in general. It’s a time for feeling blessed and remembering that we should celebrate each victory, big or small and embrace every challenge in our life because we can and because we “GET TO”.
But for me, suffering with chronic depression and anxiety these are gigantic tasks. My perception is often not my reality but still I keep trying to challenge the very cruel and daunting voice in my head by changing the conversation each day from “I have to wake up again today” to “I get to wake up again today”. I’m not gonna lie though because many days the challenge feels endless and much of the time too burdensome to even want to keep trying.
When having the mindset that “I have to” do something it’s implying that it is a real burden as opposed to telling ourselves “I Get To” which is truly a blessing. I know just how important these 3 little words are to my recovery because as we all know it’s not what I “have to do” in my life that matters, it’s who “I GET TO” do my life with that does.
Maybe today we “get to” go to the grocery store (we are blessed to have food to eat), or maybe we “get to” pay some bills today (we are blessed to have a home that keeps us safe and warm) or maybe we “get to” take our toddler to the doctor today (because we are so blessed to be someone’s mom/dad).
So whether or not you are celebrating Thanksgiving today, lets all make a pact together and change our perspective to “I Get To” instead of “I Have To” and help each other look at life through the eyes of opportunity, gratitude and blessings because every day should feel like it’s Thanksgiving.
What do you “get to” do today?
#thanksgiving #getto #blessed #grateful #thankful #myreasonswhy