Category: Distress

CALL ME, MAYBE?

I’m in a bit of a catch 22 situation.  You see, my cellphone is my lifeline to the outside world.  I use it for everything, everything that is except what a telephone was first invented for; talking on it.  Of course we all know that telephones, or cell phones to be more specific are no longer just for making and receiving phone calls, instead today many of us use it to message our friends and family, play games, take selfies, listen to music or follow and update our social media platforms.  So with cell phones having so many valuable benefits in making our lives that much easier, tell me then what is the point of actually needing to use it to receive or make a phone call?

We still have a landline in our home and at least once a month for like 5 years now we discuss cancelling it because we never use it.  It rings several times a week, yet we never answer it as our caller ID (that’s if I even bother to look at it) tells us that it’s someone looking to clean out our ducts or that someone in our home has skipped a class at school (and since we only have one child left in high school, the process of elimination is pretty simple) or that the IRS is sending out a warrant for our arrest if we don’t pay them the millions of dollars they claim we owe and over time even our friends and family have stopped calling us on our landline.

I know there are times when you need to actually pick up the phone to speak with another human being and that it’s a lot more intimate when doing so as well as faster than texting someone.  I also know that sometimes you are not able to text someone if you need to book an appointment or you are driving home from work and just want to catch up with a friend while you crawl through traffic, but you see, making and receiving phone calls causes me severe anxiety and panic (okay, to be fair, everything causes me severe anxiety and panic including having to send a text message to anyone).

But guess what?  I’m not alone in my hesitation of having any direct contact over the phone with another human being.  When my phone rings my anxiety level reaches new heights thinking that something is wrong with one of my kids or husband (unless they are all tucked into bed) and if I see from my caller ID that it is actually one of them calling, my anxiety turns to immediate panic.  Ask any of them what the first words are out of my mouth when I answer the phone, I will give you a hint, it’s not hello!  They will instantly answer that question by telling you that my immediate knee jerk reaction is to say “what’s wrong?”  Not to worry though, they rarely call me unless they really need something, otherwise they know it’s best to text me.

To many of you reading this I’m sure you are thinking WTH?  How could talking on the phone cause someone severe anxiety or even panic?  Well I wish I understood more about all the crazy shit my illness causes me to do but for now just take my word for it because the symptoms are real, just as real as when I have to send out a text message or even when I receive them.  The shaking, the nausea, the heart palpitations, the racing thoughts are all real and even somewhat terrifying as the anticipation, reluctance and expectations that come along with it have also affected many relationships in my life.

Even something as simple as making a phone call to a stranger or having to call and make an appointment at a doctor’s office can take days for me to complete such a simple task.  I put it in my calendar on my phone as a reminder that I have to make the call and after moving the reminder over to the next day hoping that it will get easier as time goes by, I suddenly realize a week or two has gone by and I have yet to be able to complete the task.

Technology today has allowed us many more conveniences in life but at the same time it has also created many more avoidances too.  It’s so easy nowadays to shut off from the world with the touch of an off button, a mute button or by simply just dropping your cell phone in your purse at the end of a long work day and not retrieving it again until the next morning.  Until a few years ago I loved to talk on the phone but convenience, avoidance and severe anxiety seem to be my way to dodge the awkward silence, the disapproval or judgment in one’s voice and come on, who here really wouldn’t prefer receiving a funny meme or a cute emoji anyway?

ANXIETY DISORDERS; WHAT WOULD YOU PUT IN YOUR SELF-CARE KIT?

*****Please read if you or your loved one suffers from Anxiety and/or Panic Attacks*****

As you probably already know by now (like who doesn’t), I suffer with severe anxiety every single day which also includes several panic attacks in any given week.  It’s often unforeseeable, it’s often discombobulating to others and it is highly obtrusive to my life.  My brain is on constant overdrive and with each passing day it seems to be becoming more and more intrusive as I feel less and less able to examine, rationalize or make sensible decisions.  You see, my brain is in a constant catastrophic state of mind where nothing makes any sense at all and it feels as though the world around me is falling apart right before my very eyes.

My anxiety and panic attacks are both equally unpredictable, scary, confusing and most definitely exhausting.  If you were to ask me in the midst of an attack what is wrong or if I’m okay my response will likely be “I don’t know” followed by “No I’m not” and my answers would be both justifiable and completely true.  Believe it or not it is extremely difficult to talk about anxiety but what I find even more wearing is having to actually explain it.  I know that anxiety can seem illogical and unreasonable to many people who don’t regularly live with it but for an individual like myself who does, a simple, “I get it” is so much more valued and treasured.

In general, anxiety is actually a very normal physical reaction to stress and can often be seen as motivational.  However, when it begins to cause grave impairment to your judgment or when it hinders your ability to tackle even the simplest tasks or when it weakens your entire immune system or when it is no longer just a fleeting moment in time but instead lasting for days, months or even years it has now become a debilitating disorder.

I am actively trying to be one step ahead of when my next anxiety or panic attack may occur even though they more often than not will come on strong and without warning.  But much like how the Boy Scouts are taught to “Be Prepared” I too want the same for both my body and mind in order for me to successfully get through it as best I can and with the least amount of resistance.

Over the last several years I have been immersed in many different practices of therapy both individually and in a group setting.  Throughout all of these different approaches there has always been one common theme when it comes to treating anxiety and panic attacks which is called “Grounding”.  Grounding is actually a technique that I find myself using sometimes even though I may not even realize it at the time.  It can be a very useful tool to have “when you feel like you’ve gone too far in your head and lost control of your surroundings.”

Grounding exercises can be used in order to bring your body and mind back to the present moment by using your senses, but don’t necessarily have to be used all at once.  Some exercises are quite simple and some may involve several parts to it, but most of them can be incorporated into just about any situation and be done just about anywhere.

Please have a look at the article I have attached to learn more about Grounding exercises and to find some that may work best for you.

http://www.tothegrowlery.com/blog/2017/4/18/six-different-types-of-grounding-exercises-for-anxiety-intense-emotions

Along a similar path to Grounding many times during an anxiety or panic attack individuals may also turn to a comfort of theirs or something that may soothe them.  It is not uncommon these days for someone to actually keep these comforts close by in their purse, a knapsack or a box hidden under their bed.  It’s truly not a bad idea for someone such as myself to create a Self-Care Kit and keep it close by. I’m pretty sure it would first and foremost include a picture of my family (including Maggie), a fluffy pair of socks, a journal, a bottle of CBD oil, a stress ball or silly putty, some chocolate, a colouring book & pencil crayons, lotion from Victoria Secret and a book of crossword puzzles (I’d keep an extra phone and TV in it if I could too).

Well I actually came up with this list in mere seconds and I’m sure I could think of many more things to include in my Self-Care Kit but for now that is a good starting point and just like the Boy Scouts I will most certainly “Be Prepared” with a kit like that in hand.  So tell me what would you put in your “Self-Care” kit?

WHAT YOU DIDN’T SEE DURING THE #SUMMEROFRICH

As we approach the final stretch of the summer I begin to reflect back on it and of course just how fast it truly flew by while at the same time I am also forced to reflect upon just how truly hard it’s been.  I’m sure you’re all shaking your heads questioning why I said it was “hard” given all the fun and exciting adventures I shared with you on Facebook and Instagram all summer long, but we all know that they only capture half the story, that is the story we all want to believe as the truth.

Sure I honestly meant every word I posted on my Social Media platforms about all the fun and exciting adventures we had this summer.  Sure the pictures I attached alongside those posts captured the incredible memories we made this summer too and sure I am very grateful that the man that I love held my hand the whole way through but lets be honest for a moment, who really wanted to see what my Facebook and Instagram mask was truly hiding.

I have gotten used to hearing people say to me “oh you must be doing better” or “it’s so great to see you are getting out” and although I know that these words are coming from a sincere and heartfelt place just try to remember that you don’t always see everything.  The truth is I do go out and that I can find some enjoyment in doing so but what you don’t see behind my mask are the persistent racing thoughts, the severe heart palpitations, the physical and mental exhaustion, my mind wandering to a very dark and dismal place, the constant feeling like I’m going to throw up or the numbness or shakiness that suddenly overtakes my body leaving me unable to move and you especially can’t see what it took in order for me to just leave my home at all.

My illness follows me wherever I go and this summer it has become exceptionally draining and inescapable.  As the summer has progressed I have found myself more and more in a constant state of panic and fear with an overwhelming sense of guilt along with the inability to control any of my very scary and very intrusive thoughts.  I have been consciously trying to make a mental note of what time of day it is or where I am during such an incident but guess what, there is absolutely no pattern to it at all.  It begins first thing in the morning when I open my eyes and it happens at 2 am when of course I should be sleeping; it presents itself while I am watching one of the countless (and of course brainless) reality shows I tape each night and it has even occurred right in the middle of one of our fun and exciting #summerofrich adventures.

You see, mental illness has no boundaries, it doesn’t like to discriminate and it most certainly doesn’t give a damn; it feels like I am living with that unwanted houseguest who no matter how hard I try doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone. So I have learned to adapt, to fake it till I make it and to hide behind my mask as best as I can which at times may confuse others who don’t live with a mental illness or love someone who may be suffering with one.   I just ask that you keep in mind that A Picture May NOT Always Be Worth A Thousand Words!

Language Matters, Words Matter

*Warning Sensitive Content*

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world” Robin Williams 1951-2014

Today marks four years since Robin Williams took his own life.  That week, or more precisely that particular day, August 11, 2014 my illness became very real to me.  It had been four months since I had begun struggling with Depression and at the exact moment when I heard the news of his death I was alone in my car, no one knowing my whereabouts, contemplating suicide.  It wasn’t the first time in that first four months that I had come close to acting upon my urges and it certainly hasn’t been the last; but it was the first time that I truly understood the seriousness of my illness.

Whenever there is a reported suicide of a famous person like Robin Williams something called the “Celebrity Suicide Effect” occurs and there is a noted rise in copycat suicides that happen following such tragedies.  That night as I sat alone in my car, scared and visibly shaken, I got caught up in the moment of it all as I began reading the headlines.  He was someone who I had admired since I was a young child, he was someone who made me laugh and he had just done the unthinkable, he had taken his life, which only left me wondering why not me too.

As I calmed myself down enough to eventually return home later that night, my attention diverted to what Robin Williams must have been thinking and feeling in the moments prior to his death and now in the aftermath, what his family and friends must be thinking and feeling too.  The headlines that night and the days and weeks that followed were oftentimes cruel, insensitive and full of judgment as the frequently, very avoided and much whispered about topic of suicide was in the forefront of everyone’s minds.

Since Robin Williams death four years ago there have been countless other celebrity suicides in the headlines, and I do mean countless.  And although there have been great strides forward in trying to end the stigma attached to Mental Illness and suicide since then, some things seem to never change.  The headlines continue to use inappropriate language when describing their death as something criminal when all you see in big bold letters next to their name is…”Committed Suicide”.

When individuals like myself who live with daily ideations of suicide or for someone who has lost a loved one to suicide it is essential to keep in mind that our language or more importantly our words matter.  The word “committed” when attached to the word suicide implies wrongdoing or sin and only makes it more difficult for those suffering with thoughts of suicide or for those who may have been left behind from a loved one’s suicide to want to just bury their heads in the sand with shame.  This of course accomplishes absolutely nothing and only keeps society as a whole from accepting that Mental Illness is a very real, often lonely and sometimes deadly disease.

An important step forward for society right now as a whole is to try and understand that our choice of words and language are imperative when talking about Mental illness and suicide.  A person who has unceasing suicidal ideations or dies by suicide have more than likely been overtaken by their illness and it has now consumed their ability to live.  But maybe, just maybe if we can learn to use less negative connotations surrounding Mental Illness and suicide starting with the use of more sensitive language and words, it will make room for more positive conversations, more individuals wanting to seek help and less people “taking their own lives” or “dying by suicide”.

Canadian National Suicide Hotline 1-833-456-4566

DISTRESS CENTERS, DEMI LOVATO & DOUG FORD

Tonight Rich and I were planning to attend the Jason Mraz and Demi Lovato outdoor concert in Toronto.  Neither of us are necessarily big fans of their music but we were planning to go because it was a benefit concert to raise awareness and funds in support of Kids Help Phone.  Kids Help Phone is Canada’s only 24 hour, bilingual and confidential phone counselling, web counselling and referral service for both children and youth.  No one can argue that this outreach program (which was introduced almost 30 years ago) for our kids is needed now more than ever before and relies on donations both publicly and privately to keep it running.  Whether a child is suffering with mental health concerns, addiction or abuse, volunteer counsellors are there to listen and without judgment.

When the news broke the other day that Demi Lovato had been rushed to the hospital due to an apparent drug overdose it broke my heart.  As most of you probably know by now, Demi has battled with both mental and physical illness for much of her life.  She has been very vocal about her struggles and even though she had the best of the best resources at her fingertips, hitting rock bottom had to happen first in order for her to eventually reach out for help some six years ago.  Since then she ‘had’ gotten sober and partnered with the Founder & CEO of CAST Centers which “promotes well-being through a wide variety of proven methods, from traditional talk therapies to innovative and experimental treatments to more spiritual or mindful approaches”.

In 2015 she also became the spokeswoman for the “Be Vocal: Speak Up For Mental Health” campaign which has since encouraged and inspired people from all over the world to get help, even going so far as to offer her fans therapy and support for mental health concerns during each stop of her most recent concert tour (including Toronto).  Although I have never personally struggled with substance abuse myself (ok I’m lying, I have been addicted to tobacco for over 30 years, and when I actually write it down it makes me want to throw up), I know that addiction is a key element in someone’s mood, thinking and behaviour which will impair a person’s judgment and ability to function just as much as any other mental disorder.  And much like most other debilitating mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, eating disorders, psychosis etc.) they will most likely not go away on their own without proper treatment and if ignored will also likely get worse and very likely lead to a premature death.

This week our Health Minister announced that they will be cutting $330 million dollars of funding per year which was to be allocated to Mental Health services in Ontario only causing further turmoil and a monumental step in the wrong direction for everyone.  What this means for anyone battling with a mental illness or their loved ones (let’s face the scary truth, we all know of someone) is longer wait times to see a qualified Mental Health professional, less supports, less funded programs and less hospital beds and the real truth, even more children and adults in chaos.

For the average person living with a mental illness (myself included) who may not be privileged like Demi Lovato to be able to afford private long term treatment and instead rely heavily on government funding to enable them to get much needed and valuable support this too is heartbreaking.  I have seen firsthand the devastation from the lack of funding and cutbacks to doctors and programming (which I have blogged about in the past).  This is why it is more important than ever to remember when you are in need of immediate help that it may be just a phone call away, 24 hours per day, 365 days per year.

Helplines like Kids Help Phone or National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can and do save lives (and yes I have used their services).  They provide fast and immediate feedback to an already vulnerable, scared individual which may help to reduce their stress and fear in that pivotal moment.  I hope (along with the rest of the world) that Demi Lovato can make a full recovery and that she will continue to be that bright, shining voice for Mental Wellness and that when she is good and ready that Toronto will be her first stop on that road to recovery to finish what she started. (And you don’t want to know what I hope for Doug Ford)

*PLEASE PASS THESE NUMBERS ON TO YOUR CHILDREN AND LOVED ONES

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

National Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566 (Canada)