Admitting Defeat


Before the summer began and the end seemed so far in the distance I tried to set some small, yet attainable goals for myself to focus on (some of which I have mentioned in previous blogs).  These goals to most individuals may seem like a normal part of their everyday routine, but for someone like myself who suffers with depression and anxiety on a daily basis they can seem as massive as trying to end world hunger (all by yourself!).  As the summer began to progress (quickly) I found that some of my small, yet attainable goals were being reached and even though one of my goals of going to the gym several times a week has turned out to be a one-time thing way back in week one, I was able to refocus this particular goal instead on trying to ensure that I go for a long walk most evenings with my hubby and pup; and lets not forget how many “steps” I’ve taken this summer during our #summerofrich excursions.

But even though it is so important for me to center my attention on any and all of my goals I achieve as equal, I am left feeling very deflated and empty once again.  You see, I had one BIG goal I have been working toward accomplishing for several months, a goal that I have only shared the most intimate details of with a handful of people, a goal that would give me a real sense of purpose and a goal that would give me a real sense of accomplishment.  As I said, it’s a BIG goal with many parts to it and not something that could be completed overnight so I had to break it down into several components to help try and make it more achievable and yes, much less overwhelming; which brings me to today.

With all my time and effort I have spent working toward accomplishing my BIG goal the process has now become tremendously overwhelming for me and has left me with even more sleepless nights, even more self-doubt, an even more sizable feeling of worthlessness, even more tears (who knew), even more anxiety (who knew that was even possible) and an overpowering sense of failure once again.  I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, that every decision I make is the wrong one, that every step forward I take only sends me five steps backwards and that my negative self-talk just continues to lead me spiraling further down that dark and lonely hole toward a general sense of defeat.

I never said that this goal was going to be an easy one to attain (I set the simplest of goals everyday and sometimes just getting out of bed or taking a shower is an achievement in itself) so I knew from the onset that this was going to be quite difficult but I needed to undertake the challenge in order to try and save myself.   I also know that everyone may have feelings of defeat from time to time as it’s a normal part of the human experience no matter who you are or the path you may take in life.

Feeling defeated is really nothing new for me, in fact it has kind of just become part of the norm in my life.  It’s as though my illness is always taunting me and trying to ensure that no matter how hard I try to beat it I am more than likely just going to fail or that I am more than likely just going to feel defeated.  I have not given up on my BIG goal but this overpowering emotion has just left me wondering if there is an actual limit as to how long you carry on before you admit defeat?  How many times do you take one step forward only to be taken five steps backwards?  Are we just supposed to keep accepting our defeat in our endless attempts toward wellness as part of our journey and do our best to keep trying to move forward even if our efforts seem to be spiraling further down that dark and lonely hole?  Do we persevere no matter what we have to tackle along the way or how long it may take to get there (is there a time limit toward wellness)?  Does admitting defeat make us a coward or weak or is it true that it may actually make us brave and fearless?  What do you think?

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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