What You Didn’t See During The #Summerofrich


As we approach the final stretch of the summer I begin to reflect back on it and of course just how fast it truly flew by while at the same time I am also forced to reflect upon just how truly hard it’s been.  I’m sure you’re all shaking your heads questioning why I said it was “hard” given all the fun and exciting adventures I shared with you on Facebook and Instagram all summer long, but we all know that they only capture half the story, that is the story we all want to believe as the truth.

Sure I honestly meant every word I posted on my Social Media platforms about all the fun and exciting adventures we had this summer.  Sure the pictures I attached alongside those posts captured the incredible memories we made this summer too and sure I am very grateful that the man that I love held my hand the whole way through but lets be honest for a moment, who really wanted to see what my Facebook and Instagram mask was truly hiding.

I have gotten used to hearing people say to me “oh you must be doing better” or “it’s so great to see you are getting out” and although I know that these words are coming from a sincere and heartfelt place just try to remember that you don’t always see everything.  The truth is I do go out and that I can find some enjoyment in doing so but what you don’t see behind my mask are the persistent racing thoughts, the severe heart palpitations, the physical and mental exhaustion, my mind wandering to a very dark and dismal place, the constant feeling like I’m going to throw up or the numbness or shakiness that suddenly overtakes my body leaving me unable to move and you especially can’t see what it took in order for me to just leave my home at all.

My illness follows me wherever I go and this summer it has become exceptionally draining and inescapable.  As the summer has progressed I have found myself more and more in a constant state of panic and fear with an overwhelming sense of guilt along with the inability to control any of my very scary and very intrusive thoughts.  I have been consciously trying to make a mental note of what time of day it is or where I am during such an incident but guess what, there is absolutely no pattern to it at all.  It begins first thing in the morning when I open my eyes and it happens at 2 am when of course I should be sleeping; it presents itself while I am watching one of the countless (and of course brainless) reality shows I tape each night and it has even occurred right in the middle of one of our fun and exciting #summerofrich adventures.

You see, mental illness has no boundaries, it doesn’t like to discriminate and it most certainly doesn’t give a damn; it feels like I am living with that unwanted houseguest who no matter how hard I try doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone. So I have learned to adapt, to fake it till I make it and to hide behind my mask as best as I can which at times may confuse others who don’t live with a mental illness or love someone who may be suffering with one.   I just ask that you keep in mind that A Picture May NOT Always Be Worth A Thousand Words!

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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