Category: Change

Are You Living Life Or Merely Existing? “What I Know For Sure”

ARE YOU LIVING LIFE OR MERELY EXISTING? “WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE”

“The Proper function of man is to live, not to exist.” – Jack London (1876-1916)

I guess it is probably safe to say by now that for the last four years I have found myself existing but not actually living.  Living means that you are enjoying life, doing things that you like and that you are chasing your dreams and fulfilling your goals whereas a person who is merely existing means that you are simply breathing while doing the things that you have to do in order to get through each day and thus allowing your emotions like fear and anger to control you.

This has been a particularly tough week for me and my anxiety and depression have crippled me to the point of feeling non-existent.  A person who is living has the ability to understand their emotions and not allow them to impede on their choices or determination, to me living means you have purpose, and right now I feel as though I am only existing on the outside of life looking in.

By merely existing places many boundaries and restrictions on someone and believe it or not it takes a lot of effort to do so.  Existing like I do each day means being stuck in the past and always worrying about the future.  It means not having the capacity to feel what is happening around you in the moment or being able to reach your true potential, simply put, we feel powerless over our emotions.

While I am existing I am left waiting, left searching and left yearning to escape from the loss of control that these powerful emotions have taken from me, wishing that the next breath I grasp will be strong enough to renew my will to live.  To exist is to survive from the sidelines but to live is to do more than just survive or gaze upon, it means you are no longer left waiting, no longer left searching and no longer left yearning but instead you are actually leading the way to your own happiness and purpose; leading the way to feeling alive.

So after feeling so defeated by living, how does one learn to break the habit of merely existing?  The thing is if I had the answer then I wouldn’t be merely existing.  I recently read Oprah’s book titled “What I Know For Sure” which is filled with her inspirational life experiences with great insight and revelation.  Oprah is the Queen when it comes to learning how to overcome adversity and hardship and in my eyes she is also the Queen when it comes to living.

This book was super easy to read and so powerful and moving.  It was filled with page upon page of wisdom and honesty and chapter upon chapter of how to truly capture the art of living and appreciate its gift in return.  I am regularly reading books which will encourage me, inspire me and support me but this book is one that I am sure to return to time and time again in order to instill the value of living life over merely trying to exist in it.

Distress Centers, Demi Lovato & Doug Ford

DISTRESS CENTERS, DEMI LOVATO & DOUG FORD

Tonight Rich and I were planning to attend the Jason Mraz and Demi Lovato outdoor concert in Toronto.  Neither of us are necessarily big fans of their music but we were planning to go because it was a benefit concert to raise awareness and funds in support of Kids Help Phone.  Kids Help Phone is Canada’s only 24 hour, bilingual and confidential phone counselling, web counselling and referral service for both children and youth.  No one can argue that this outreach program (which was introduced almost 30 years ago) for our kids is needed now more than ever before and relies on donations both publicly and privately to keep it running.  Whether a child is suffering with mental health concerns, addiction or abuse, volunteer counsellors are there to listen and without judgment.

When the news broke the other day that Demi Lovato had been rushed to the hospital due to an apparent drug overdose it broke my heart.  As most of you probably know by now, Demi has battled with both mental and physical illness for much of her life.  She has been very vocal about her struggles and even though she had the best of the best resources at her fingertips, hitting rock bottom had to happen first in order for her to eventually reach out for help some six years ago.  Since then she ‘had’ gotten sober and partnered with the Founder & CEO of CAST Centers which “promotes well-being through a wide variety of proven methods, from traditional talk therapies to innovative and experimental treatments to more spiritual or mindful approaches”.

In 2015 she also became the spokeswoman for the “Be Vocal: Speak Up For Mental Health” campaign which has since encouraged and inspired people from all over the world to get help, even going so far as to offer her fans therapy and support for mental health concerns during each stop of her most recent concert tour (including Toronto).  Although I have never personally struggled with substance abuse myself (ok I’m lying, I have been addicted to tobacco for over 30 years, and when I actually write it down it makes me want to throw up), I know that addiction is a key element in someone’s mood, thinking and behaviour which will impair a person’s judgment and ability to function just as much as any other mental disorder.  And much like most other debilitating mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, eating disorders, psychosis etc.) they will most likely not go away on their own without proper treatment and if ignored will also likely get worse and very likely lead to a premature death.

This week our Health Minister announced that they will be cutting $330 million dollars of funding per year which was to be allocated to Mental Health services in Ontario only causing further turmoil and a monumental step in the wrong direction for everyone.  What this means for anyone battling with a mental illness or their loved ones (let’s face the scary truth, we all know of someone) is longer wait times to see a qualified Mental Health professional, less supports, less funded programs and less hospital beds and the real truth, even more children and adults in chaos.

For the average person living with a mental illness (myself included) who may not be privileged like Demi Lovato to be able to afford private long term treatment and instead rely heavily on government funding to enable them to get much needed and valuable support this too is heartbreaking.  I have seen firsthand the devastation from the lack of funding and cutbacks to doctors and programming (which I have blogged about in the past).  This is why it is more important than ever to remember when you are in need of immediate help that it may be just a phone call away, 24 hours per day, 365 days per year.

Helplines like Kids Help Phone or National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can and do save lives (and yes I have used their services).  They provide fast and immediate feedback to an already vulnerable, scared individual which may help to reduce their stress and fear in that pivotal moment.  I hope (along with the rest of the world) that Demi Lovato can make a full recovery and that she will continue to be that bright, shining voice for Mental Wellness and that when she is good and ready that Toronto will be her first stop on that road to recovery to finish what she started. (And you don’t want to know what I hope for Doug Ford)

*PLEASE PASS THESE NUMBERS ON TO YOUR CHILDREN AND LOVED ONES

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

National Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566 (Canada)

Toronto Strong; Our Loss Of Innocence

TORONTO STRONG; OUR LOSS OF INNOCENCE

*Some Sensitive Content*

I feel it’s probably safe to say that after the tragic turn of events which occurred on The Danforth this past Sunday night that Toronto has officially lost its innocence. In the last few months alone there has been more unprovoked violence and innocent lives lost than ever before. In the first half of this year we have already far exceeded the total amount of shootings that occurred in all of 2017 and the homicide rate has more than doubled.

Although Toronto has never been immune to violence in the past, it just always seemed to be more contained. In years past we have witnessed many unprovoked violent occurrences and witnessed many innocent lives being lost but now it is happening almost daily. The amount of violence is making it very difficult to feel safe anywhere in the city and whether or not it’s labeled as a mass shooting, gang related, racism, terrorism or at the hands of a mentally ill individual, the outcome is still the same and can only be summarized in one word; tragic.

This latest tragedy which left thirteen innocent people injured and a beautiful, young child, age 10 dead along with another beautiful young woman, age 18 dead who was 6 weeks away from entering her first year of University to become a nurse. These two beautiful, young faces will forever be ingrained in my mind and being the parent of 3 beautiful, young soles myself, I can say without a doubt that no parent should ever, I repeat EVER have to bury their child and I can’t even begin to imagine what these families are going through right now.

Since the investigation began late Sunday night and especially once the name of the suspect was released the reports on both Social Media and News Stations alike have been speculating as to what could have caused this 29 year old animal to (seemingly) and randomly begin shooting at restaurant patrons through windows in one of the busiest, most tourist driven, summer hot spots in our great city. In the coming days and weeks ahead through police investigation we will hopefully learn the truth behind his rampage (and as to where he got his gun) because what the media has uncovered thus far is still just purely speculation (there has been no police confirmation to any of the stories including whether or not the gunman died at the hands of the police or by suicide).

One such speculation from the very beginning has been that the suspect suffered from “severe mental health challenges” including depression and psychosis which his parents quickly pointed out in a statement to the media. They claim that “the interventions of professionals were unsuccessful in helping him, and medications and therapy were unable to treat him”. Right away people all over social media began to voice their opinions and so many of these opinions feel that the family’s statement was a cop-out.

Through further investigation the truth behind his motive will eventually be unveiled as to whether or not it was due to an untreated mental illness, or if ISIS (unconfirmed) was behind it, or if he actually had an intended target in mind but for now I feel I need to focus your attention on the reality that not all mental illnesses are so clear-cut. Yes I suffer from depression and anxiety and it has taken away so much of my life over the last four years, but at the same time it has never left me feeling violent towards another individual or the urge to murder someone which is because I do not suffer from any type of serious psychosis; but many people do…

A person suffering with symptoms of psychosis can begin to experience and/or believe things that do not actually exist causing them to lose all sense of reality. During such time an individual may undergo delusions or hallucinations and may sometimes hear or see things that do not really exist which can prompt a person to become paranoid or go into violent rages; and yes sometimes medication and drugs can precipitate these symptoms as well. Sadly when a person is suffering a psychotic episode their judgement can become extremely impaired and when left untreated can (NOT ALWAYS) cause the individual to act upon these delusions or hallucinations which in some cases (NOT ALL) have lead them to murder.

So no matter what causes someone to open fire on innocent bystanders eating dinner with friends & family or running down innocent people with their van on a busy street in broad daylight or hijacking planes with the sole purpose of killing thousands of innocent lives or walking casually into a high school and murdering innocent children or detonating a bomb at the concert of your favorite teen idol we must take into account the suspect’s mental state at the time because let’s face it, it has to be somewhat prevalent in someone carrying out these heinous acts of violence. Like so many other mass shootings around the globe, and so many other terrorist attacks around the globe we as a society have instinctively become too quick to jump to conclusions or point out their own biases and stereotypes instead of wanting to learn and understand all the facts first. Maybe it’s simply that we have just become too numb to our reality as we try to keep our innocence and lives of our loved ones intact.

Our Last Visitor’s Day; “All Good Things Must Come to An End”

Our Last Visitor’s Day; “All Good Things Must Come To An End”

Yesterday was bittersweet.  It was a day filled with lots of excitement and joy for me but at the same time it was also filled with some sadness and sorrow too (oh and lets not forget the rain).  You see, for close to a decade now we have been sending our kids to sleepaway camp every summer and as our ‘baby’ (who turns 16 very soon) enters the next phase of camp life next summer by becoming a counsellor, we as parents are no longer entitled to the privilege of Visitor’s Day.

Visitor’s Day for me has always been a special day and I still remember the very first time I entered those campgrounds as a parent since leaving there more than 20 years earlier as a camp counsellor.  So much of the camp had changed in all those years in between but when I took a closer look around the camp that very first Visitor’s Day I realized it really hadn’t changed at all.  It was still the same great place only better; not better because they had added so many new features and activities like a beautiful new basketball court, a rock climbing wall or an outdoor ball hockey rink; it wasn’t better because the cabins had all been painted and new built-in bunk beds had been added; no it was even better now because my own children were there and about to embark on their own journey towards creating some of the most extraordinary memories and friendships of their lives just as I was once privileged in experiencing all those years ago.

Sleepaway camp happened gradually and not all at once though in our home, in fact our eldest was the last of our children to join the Camp Northland family as he chose to play Rep baseball for the better part of his childhood (but has never looked back since).  But regardless of when they started, one thing is for certain; camp has since become the happiest place on earth for all three of my kids and when the end comes it will unquestionably be met with a lot of heartache.

Every year since they began spending their summers at their home away from home I looked forward with great anticipation to Visitor’s Day.  When they were younger I not only got to spend the afternoon relaxing with my kids as they excitedly led us to their cabins, introduced us to their counsellors and new friends and showed us all the fun activities they got to participate in everyday, but I also got to reminisce and share with them some enjoyable anecdotes and memories of my time I spent strolling through those same amazing campgrounds.

Visitor’s Day has changed throughout the years as my kids got older, especially as their roles began to change.  Two of them have since become counsellors and as I mentioned earlier this will be our last summer that any of them will be campers at all and even though they don’t necessarily need us to engage in our Visitor’s Day rituals and traditions anymore, I know they still welcome us there with open arms, as do so many of their friends and mentors.

As much as Visitor’s Day means so much to me though, it has also become a very difficult day for me both leading up to and participating in it throughout my journey over the last four years.  In several ways it heightens many of my struggles I encounter daily with depression and anxiety but this year with the realization that it was also the end of an era it made me want to reminisce even more, it made me want to breathe in the beauty that surrounded me even more and it made me want to ensure that this was the most memorable Visitor’s Day even more.

It didn’t seem to matter that it was damp and raining off and on all afternoon, all that truly mattered were the memories my kids were collecting in their hearts and the food they were storing in their bellies (lol) so that one day they too will hopefully get to excitedly stroll through those same campgrounds with their own children reminiscing about their happiest place on earth, but for now as I reminisce about my last Visitor’s Day I will have to learn to accept that “all good things must come to an end”.

I’m Ms. Pac-Man

I’m Ms. Pac-Man

When I was growing up I absolutely loved playing the video game Ms. Pac-Man and I played it to perfection.  It may, at the time have been considered my earliest addiction, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even come close to comparison when meeting today’s standard of video game obsessions; I mean I didn’t exactly need rehab or anything of the sort like many individuals nowadays do who are addicted to such games like Candy Crush or Fortnite.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the video game Ms. Pac-Man (you could live under a rock for all I know), it was developed from the original and extremely popular arcade game Pac-Man only this time around they used a female protagonist instead which at the time was a welcome addition to the gaming world.  The object of the game is for the player to skillfully maneuver Ms. Pac-Man through a series of mazes by trying to eat as many pellets as possible without being attacked by a ghost who in turn would cause you to lose one of your lives and eventually the game. Throughout each maze level there are several opportunities for Ms. Pac-Man to re-energize herself by eating a “power pellet” which allows her to attack the ghosts for a short period of time.  She is also given chances to earn extra points by eating some delicious fruit, escaping from the wrath of the ghosts by going through tunnels and obtaining new lives but you better watch out because the higher the level the faster the antagonists move.

So you are probably wondering by now why the heck I am wasting your time telling you all this?  Well, metaphorically speaking, I feel as though Ms. Pac-Man is a representation of who I used to be and who I am today, and that I have somehow become trapped inside of her gameplay (sounds like a big box-office hit to me); much of which seems destined to fail.  When you first look at Ms. Pac-Man she seems to emulate a strong, independent and self-empowered woman; qualities which I may have once identified as my own but then you begin playing the game and you quickly see those qualities dissipate, well at least they do for me.

At first glance Ms. Pac-Man seems to glide through the maze with such confidence and ease but as the game progresses she no longer seems to be strong, independent or self-empowered but instead she begins to lose herself inside of the maze and at times she may feel imprisoned.  This is of course one of the best ways to describe how depression feels to me every single day, both lost and imprisoned in my own mind; a mind controlled by my unrelenting illness.

Metaphorically speaking, my gameplay has left me feeling like I can no longer skillfully maneuver my way through a series of mazes with confidence and ease, eager to eat up as many pellets along the way as I can.  Instead I continually feel like I am being chased in circles by these ghosts who are stronger than me, more independent than me and definitely more empowered than me, leaving me feeling more and more lifeless each time one captures me.

Sure some days I am able to find the strength to re-energize and eat a few “power pellets” allowing me the ability to attack these ghosts head on even if it’s only for a brief moment in time.  But unfortunately when those moments disappear I am left once again trying to figure out what my next maneuver will be in order for me to stay alive because you see, these ghosts are so much faster than I am.

I still do love to play Ms. Pac-Man any chance I get (do you think it’s still a quarter at the arcade?) but now I see it as an even more challenging game than I did before (sure it’s no Candy Crush or Fortnite).  Now when I play it, it is no longer just a game, it is no longer about how many lives I can sustain at once, it is no longer Ms. Pac-Man trying to gain momentum by eating lots of fruit and engineering her way through tunnels, now instead it’s about procuring the art of survival by skillfully manipulating my illness into gobbling up each and every ghost that gets in my way of becoming a stronger me, a more independent me and a more empowered me…metaphorically speaking.

I’m Truly Sorry, From My Depression & Anxiety

I’M TRULY SORRY, FROM MY DEPRESSION & ANXIETY

*Warning; Some Sensitive Content*

Lately I feel like maybe I should be wearing a sign around my neck that reads “I’m Sorry” because my illness has made me feel like I am constantly doing something wrong each and every day and I seem to be apologizing endlessly for my actions or words. An apology is an expression of regret or an acknowledgement of an offense or error. It may also be used when someone is unable to do something or attend an invited event. So you see, my need to incessantly apologize seems pretty darn relevant, right? Well if there is one thing I know for sure it’s that my illness most definitely would agree.

I have created an endless list in my mind as to why I always feel the need to apologize for my illness, a list which I have created out of guilt, remorse, regret and the belief that I am a colossal burden to everyone in my life; and for this I am truly sorry. My illness has not just left an enormous impact on my life but it has also left a significant impact on the lives of so many countless others. My intent has never been to maliciously set out to hurt these countless individuals but my illness seems to have a mind of its own; and for this I am truly sorry.

I’m sorry if you felt as though I somehow intentionally pushed you away or made you feel as though I no longer needed you because you were unable to help me so out of frustration you subtly and indiscreetly removed yourself from my life; the phone calls, the texts, the invitations, one by one slowly began to fade away. I’m sorry if I make you feel that your efforts are unwelcome or undesired when you have tried to send me positive energy and encouraging reinforcements and all I can do is allow my negative self-talk to intervene once again. Please know that my heart detects your genuine intentions and is truly disheartened and sorry.

I’m sorry if I have neglected you during your own sadness and pain or have been unable to be “present” (both literally and figuratively) to celebrate in your happiness or success. My own darkness often consumes me to the point that I am no longer aware of my surroundings and feel numb to the world around me. I’m sorry if I have hurt your feelings or made you feel as though your sentiments aren’t as important as mine but it is just too overwhelming for me much of the time.

I’m sorry if I may frighten you when I talk openly and honestly of suicide and wanting to end my pain. My words come from a place of hopelessness and from an illness that sincerely believes that I am both a burden and a liability to you. My illness tells me that I have nothing to give you in return except for anguish and sorrow and that by relieving you of this burden you will be much better off without me even though my heart may tell me otherwise.

I am especially sorry for those closest to me in my life, the ones who see me everyday and have had to bear witness to the destruction and havoc that my illness has caused our family unit, or the amount of times that it has disappointed, scared and frustrated them. I’m sorry for how my illness has treated you at times, I’m sorry for being distracted from what truly matters, I’m sorry for not always being there for you and I’m sorry for causing you sadness.

I know it may be difficult for you to understand at times, but please know that I am so grateful to everyone who has stuck by me and for loving me unconditionally. I know in my heart that I truly don’t have anything to be sorry for that pertains to my illness as I did not intentionally cause it to happen, but the guilt I feel, the remorse I detect, the regret that I endure and the belief that I am a colossal burden to everyone in my life makes it very tiresome to disregard and for that I am truly sorry.

How Meditation Made Me Feel Like A Failure Once Again

HOW MEDITATION MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FAILURE ONCE AGAIN

*Warning: Sensitive Content*

So another “Summer of Rich” (as he has so lovingly pegged it) officially began at exactly 3pm sharp yesterday afternoon as soon as the bus drove away with our very excited CIT (counsellor in training) and her friends to join her siblings at camp for the next 7 weeks.  He didn’t want to waste a single moment of his much anticipated “break” and so we headed straight away to get our annual husband and wife pedicures (well his is annual).  The last few summers albeit very quiet and less demanding on one hand have also been met with some of our most challenging and difficult hardships to date and so while he was enjoying his soothing and relaxing pedicure it was wonderful to see from the gigantic smile on his face that he was breathing a much needed sigh of relief.

The last couple of weeks for me have been some of the most wearing and tiresome days I have had in a little while which of course only adds to my husband’s long list of tensions and worries (and enthusiasm for the kids to be gone all summer).  I only wish that I could have been breathing that same sigh of relief as my husband was feeling but I just couldn’t.  My mind has been in a complete state of chaos lately and my thoughts have become more and more vivid and scary.   Throughout my journey I have been given many tools to work with in order to turn these vivid and scary thoughts into a more positive and favourable vibe however right now it ain’t flying.

Last weekend when we visited the Healing Sanctuary on my birthday (which I wrote about last week), we were invited to attend a special one night, free meditation class being given by a woman who’s passion, insight and education toward understanding our mind, body and spirit led her to begin teaching the art of meditation two decades ago and has since worked with some of the most renowned spirit leaders in the world.  Although I have been taught some simple breathing exercises and listened to some mindful apps on my phone I have never actually been guided through a bona fide meditation which is something I have wanted to do for quite some time.  We decided that together we would attend the class (and I brought a friend along too) which we knew fell on our first evening of “The Summer of Rich”.  We both went with an open mind and heart in order to learn some inspiring meditation practices that we can apply to our daily lives.

Meditation can benefit anyone and everyone and I truly see its importance in helping someone to reduce stress, anxiety, depression or pain.  It may also assist someone in finding their inner peace, alter their perception of the world around them and in general open our mind’s up to a mentally clear and emotionally calm state; that is unless you’re me!  Last night instead of coming out of the class with a great big sigh of relief and some glimmer of hope that I had wished for (and long for more than anything), I was left feeling like I had failed once again.  Who knew that meditation could leave someone feeling like a failure or that it could actually do more harm than good?

Well I guess I learned something new last night either way because I’m pretty sure that a benefit of meditation is not to have acute heart palpitations or racing thoughts, but what made me feel somewhat at ease after the class was over was when I discussed my experience with the teacher and found out that I am actually not alone.  You see, meditation can be a very powerful tool for someone’s mental and physical wellbeing and when done properly (as it was last night) it can also magnify one’s own self-awareness which can be tremendously valuable to many but for me it simply awakened my current state of helplessness and left me once again feeling very discouraged as I continue casting further judgment upon myself.

I am also left asking myself if there really is such a thing as a light at the end of the tunnel?  Could a subtype of meditation (and mindfulness) techniques bring upon a different outcome for me?   Does practice really make perfect?  Would love to hear some of your experiences with meditation, thank you in advance and oh ya; ‘Namaste’ to you all.

Depression: “Anger Turned Inward”

Depression: “Anger Turned Inward”

*Warning: Very Sensitive Content*

When you think of a person with depression intuitively you may perceive that someone to be feeling hopeless, worthless or sad but most of us would not immediately think of that same person as having feelings of anger or even rage.  Well it’s true; it is a very real and common symptom of depression that will only reek further havoc on a person who is battling with depression.  In fact, Sigmund Freud often referred to depression as ‘anger turned inward’, and I myself am scared that the irritability I feel, the self-blame I harbour and the hopelessness I bear is keeping me from being able to fight this disease anymore because I have become so angry.

Sigmund Freud’s theory, although stated probably a century ago still holds true today and shows us that anger can and will worsen or exacerbate our symptoms of depression and the severity of the disease.  No matter what situation I face every day or how hurt and betrayed I may feel, the anger automatically turns inward and it has become increasingly more and more painful.  Depression makes me feel like I am having an out of body experience as if I have become detached from my own body and I am looking down upon the person I no longer recognize and definitely the person I no longer wish to be and this makes me even more angry.

So you see depression not only makes a person feel hopeless, worthless and sad but it will also make them feel angry.  You see, for starters, depression keeps me awake late at night and up early in the morning.  It makes me toss and turn for hours on end and that lack of sleep causes me additional irritability and the inability to cope with my day-to-day struggles.  It has also made me feel disconnected from my loved ones, disinterested in activities I once enjoyed and I am continuously mourning an overwhelming sense of loss, loss that is of the person I used to be before the Depression set in, which too makes me undergo a great deal of anger.

I know the anger I feel is directed at my Depression itself and even though I know in my heart that it is an illness, I still continue to place blame on myself everyday while battling with an immense amount of guilt for burdening my loved ones with the responsibility of it.  Unfortunately my brain tells me that it’s all my fault, that I’m weak, I’m incompetent and of course that I’m a big fat failure; who wouldn’t feel angry and enraged if someone was constantly telling you all those things?

Depression has stolen four years of my life thus far and you know what, I’m so damn angry.  I have missed out on so much of life especially pertaining to my kid’s lives and I’m so damn angry.  I have lost my ability to find enjoyment in many of the little, yet important things in life and I’m so damn angry.  I have lost time to do the things I once enjoyed too and I am so damn angry.  I have lost friendships that once meant the world to me and I am so damn angry.  My anger is taking a toll on me like never before making me more and more irritable, frustrated and so damn angry!

I am only telling you all this because maybe if I can learn to express my anger outward instead of inward it will empower me to fight it off or try to battle it out.  Maybe if I can learn to stand up to the anger I feel it will allow the feelings and emotions to back down just like a cowardly bully may which is just driving me deeper and deeper into the abyss, formally known as Depression.  Hopefully it’s up for the challenge.

Another Birthday With Depression

Another Birthday With Depression

So I survived another birthday; well barely. I’m not gonna lie to you (why start now) but yesterday was harder than I imagined it was going to be. My birthday celebrations began a couple of days early as two of my kids were going to be at camp already on the actual day and they wanted to be a part of it somehow. They eagerly showered me with cards and presents and even insisted that my husband do so as well so they could see my reaction when he gave me my gift (all of which were filled with a lot of love and meaning behind them). After the gift giving portion of the evening was over we headed out to my favorite restaurant for dinner (which has become somewhat of a tradition) and I ate all my favorite foods, lots of it. The evening was really nice and a welcomed distraction leading up to the big day, a day that I once looked forward to celebrating.

Since my birthday fell on a weekend this year I think it only added to the stress and angst I was already feeling. I didn’t sleep much the night before (not that I ever do) and as the clock struck midnight the birthday wishes began lighting up my phone and Facebook page and continued to do so right through the entire next day. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful knowing how many people actually took the time to think of me on my birthday (and there were LOTS), whether it was through Facebook, a text message or an actual phone call my emotions quickly became overtaken by my illness within the first hour past midnight.

I couldn’t look at my phone, answering it was definitely not an option and before noon I had cried at least three times. My husband wanted to take me for lunch which I had no desire to do as the thought of eating was making my stomach turn, but I agreed on the premise that we go somewhere ‘far away’ and so we went far enough away that my first birthday wish of the day came true; we didn’t see anyone we knew! After lunch we visited a healing sanctuary which was filled with so much spirituality, an area of my life I would like to focus more attention on so long as it is not God-Centered, but instead a place where I can somehow find an interconnectedness within myself which could lead me on a path toward health and wellness.

As soon as we walked into the store we both felt a sense of calm and peace and before we knew it we had spent an hour there browsing the 1000’s of items ranging from books, music, salt lamps, jewelry, crystals, aromatherapy, the list is endless; and they also offer many healing classes and courses as well. The owner was so welcoming and soothing from the moment we walked in and by the time we left she hugged me goodbye and gave me a gift for my birthday; an Energy Healing Bracelet, but she would only let me choose one that had absolutely no black whatsoever on it. I also purchased a couple of other small items including an aromatherapy birthday cupcake which is actually soap. I must keep it in my bathroom to gaze upon for the next 365 days, but not before making a wish upon it first. That was when my second wish for the day occurred.

When we returned home I was both emotionally and physically exhausted and had lost track of how many tears I had shed thus far, but I knew the day was not quite over and I still had dinner plans and my anxiety was already escalating again even though I knew we would be dining in an intimate and stress-free environment, with close friends by my side who I knew I could be myself with, laugh with and if needed, even shed a tear with.

During my birthday over the past four years I had never really given much thought to my “I Choose Me” Mantra or ensuring I create healthy boundaries before, but this birthday I did and in the end I believe it’s those healthy boundaries and my “I Choose Me” Mantra that helped me to survive another birthday, tears and all, and by the end of the day I was still holding on to that one final wish which I am planning to save up for another day when I figure out what it is.

“Are You Ready For The Summer?” Well I’m Not!

‘Are You Ready For The Summer?’  Well I’m Not!

It’s that time of year once again when your kids excitedly begin emptying out their knapsacks full of textbooks in exchange for their beach towels and sunscreen.  It’s that time of year once again when the April showers (and ice storms) have allowed for the May flowers to bloom and the June sky to brighten our days for hours on end.  And in our home it’s also that time of year once again when my kids hop aboard the Greyhound bus to their happy place while their father sheds his happy tears and joyfully hugs them goodbye amid his happy dance.

Tomorrow begins the official start to summer for two of my kids (unfortunately the third child has another few days of exams to get through first before her official start to summer).  But nonetheless, the dog days are here and so is another full summer of making some of the most incredible lasting memories for them.  I myself went to sleepaway camp for most of my childhood and young adult life and I can definitely tell you that is where I made some of my most incredible lasting memories (and friendships) too, but last summer my illness made it very difficult for me to remember those incredible lasting memories while they were away.

I know in my heart that my kids are safe at camp (and keeping their campers safe too!) while having the best time of their lives and making those incredible lasting memories but you see there is one major hurdle; my illness prefers to wander down the dark and sinister highways instead of taking me on a relaxing and gratifying joyride through the tranquil and serene country roads.  I should be looking forward to our ‘break’ from one another because to be completely honest, we really, really need it, this year more than ever before.

Every year since I began struggling with depression and anxiety we have been met with many additional and unthinkable challenges and adversities which are regrettably a normal part of life, but as each year passes for me I have become less and less able to cope with them, let alone the daily grind.   As I have mentioned previously in other blogs I never really experienced anxiety as a child (or adult for that matter), that is outside of what is considered to be a conventional range (as everyone suffers with anxiety from time to time) and even when I think back to a few years ago it was nowhere near where it is today.

I really can’t explain to you in a way that you would fully understand what having an anxiety disorder or panic attacks feel like because truthfully everyone’s experience is probably a little bit different.  All I can tell you is that for me over the last year my senses have become extremely heightened to the point where it is affecting my entire life, my husband’s life and most definitely my children’s lives almost daily and even though it may seem illogical, unreasonable or inexplicable to them or others, it is oh so real to me.

Just try to visualize for a moment that you are physically ill with the stomach flu and have been puking your guts up all night long, in a darkened room, all alone and someone tries to tell you that you’re imagining it, that it’s all in your head, that you take things too personally, that you’re overthinking it, that you’re affecting other people’s lives in the process or that you are simply being overly dramatic.  This is what my life with anxiety is like and yes it seems illogical, unreasonable and inexplicable to many, but for me it’s just plain exhausting, scary and very, very lonely at times when you are always afraid of your feelings or emotions.

The last thing I want is to let my anxiety and depression affect my husband and kid’s summers ahead, or have an instant replay of last summer where emergency personnel needed to intervene.  I really hope my husband gets to enjoy his well-deserved ‘break’, (but I also hope his Fitbit is fully charged for all the hiking trips I have planned!), a break from the 100’s of things he is burdened with as he continues to play the role of mom, dad and caregiver each and every day (and he is certainly not shy about letting you know how much he can’t wait for them to get on that damn bus already!).   I get it, I get his excitement, I get the kid’s excitement, I truly get it all from the bottom of my heart, I just wish my mind could get it so I can also enjoy a relaxing and gratifying joyride through the tranquil and serene country roads too.