Another Birthday With Depression

Another Birthday With Depression

So I survived another birthday; well barely. I’m not gonna lie to you (why start now) but yesterday was harder than I imagined it was going to be. My birthday celebrations began a couple of days early as two of my kids were going to be at camp already on the actual day and they wanted to be a part of it somehow. They eagerly showered me with cards and presents and even insisted that my husband do so as well so they could see my reaction when he gave me my gift (all of which were filled with a lot of love and meaning behind them). After the gift giving portion of the evening was over we headed out to my favorite restaurant for dinner (which has become somewhat of a tradition) and I ate all my favorite foods, lots of it. The evening was really nice and a welcomed distraction leading up to the big day, a day that I once looked forward to celebrating.

Since my birthday fell on a weekend this year I think it only added to the stress and angst I was already feeling. I didn’t sleep much the night before (not that I ever do) and as the clock struck midnight the birthday wishes began lighting up my phone and Facebook page and continued to do so right through the entire next day. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful knowing how many people actually took the time to think of me on my birthday (and there were LOTS), whether it was through Facebook, a text message or an actual phone call my emotions quickly became overtaken by my illness within the first hour past midnight.

I couldn’t look at my phone, answering it was definitely not an option and before noon I had cried at least three times. My husband wanted to take me for lunch which I had no desire to do as the thought of eating was making my stomach turn, but I agreed on the premise that we go somewhere ‘far away’ and so we went far enough away that my first birthday wish of the day came true; we didn’t see anyone we knew! After lunch we visited a healing sanctuary which was filled with so much spirituality, an area of my life I would like to focus more attention on so long as it is not God-Centered, but instead a place where I can somehow find an interconnectedness within myself which could lead me on a path toward health and wellness.

As soon as we walked into the store we both felt a sense of calm and peace and before we knew it we had spent an hour there browsing the 1000’s of items ranging from books, music, salt lamps, jewelry, crystals, aromatherapy, the list is endless; and they also offer many healing classes and courses as well. The owner was so welcoming and soothing from the moment we walked in and by the time we left she hugged me goodbye and gave me a gift for my birthday; an Energy Healing Bracelet, but she would only let me choose one that had absolutely no black whatsoever on it. I also purchased a couple of other small items including an aromatherapy birthday cupcake which is actually soap. I must keep it in my bathroom to gaze upon for the next 365 days, but not before making a wish upon it first. That was when my second wish for the day occurred.

When we returned home I was both emotionally and physically exhausted and had lost track of how many tears I had shed thus far, but I knew the day was not quite over and I still had dinner plans and my anxiety was already escalating again even though I knew we would be dining in an intimate and stress-free environment, with close friends by my side who I knew I could be myself with, laugh with and if needed, even shed a tear with.

During my birthday over the past four years I had never really given much thought to my “I Choose Me” Mantra or ensuring I create healthy boundaries before, but this birthday I did and in the end I believe it’s those healthy boundaries and my “I Choose Me” Mantra that helped me to survive another birthday, tears and all, and by the end of the day I was still holding on to that one final wish which I am planning to save up for another day when I figure out what it is.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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