Category: Change

Should I Or Shouldn’t I?

As most of you who have been following my journey know, I gave up on medication several years ago after being diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression. I struggled for close to 3 years with trying to find the right concoction of medication that could help lift my mood and keep my anxiety to a minimum.

I experienced severe side effects from trying over 20 medications (sometimes 3 to 4 at one time) which led to a tremendous amount of physical health challenges and many additional mental health issues too. I had enough and so did my husband. Throughout the last few years since coming off my medications I have continued desperately to find other kinds of treatment that would hopefully do what the medications were unable to do and without having to endure any additional and sometimes quite serious side effects that they were causing.

I don’t think anyone can say I didn’t try hard enough except that is for my inner voice that keeps telling me every day that I haven’t tried hard enough, that I should have tried harder, that I need to try harder. It’s that same inner voice that agreed to go see one of the top psychiatrists in the city when I was presented with the opportunity recently.

I have not been to a psychiatrist in a couple of years mainly because after my wonderful psychiatrist left the province I never found anyone who seemed to be truly invested in my recovery which is what led me to find other avenues myself most of which have not been very successful to say the least.

As I have mentioned over the last few weeks my symptoms of depression and anxiety have become amplified to an all time high. I have been battling with more panic attacks and worsening anxiety than ever before along with very intense suicidal ideations which is why when I was presented with this opportunity by someone who may not know me well but is just as invested in my journey wanted to help make this connection happen quickly and from the kindness of her heart.

I am beyond grateful that so many people have not given up on me and go to great lengths to ensure that I don’t give up on me either. I have already met with the new doctor a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and we have discussed with both me and my husband many avenues we can take from here and in the near future. One such avenue is of course medication.

He is well aware now of my history with medication (and my GP sent him the endless list of the ones I’ve already tried) and he is definitely aware of my fear of even thinking about trying one more. He discussed one in particular with me today that he feels could be worth being that one more try. He talked about it’s benefits compared to many others I’ve been on before, we talked about the side effects that terrify me and he gave me handouts on it and wrote me a script which he said if I decide to try it he will monitor me every step of the way and that he will increase it at a snail’s pace for me.

So what do I have to lose at this point? Should I or shouldn’t I?

#mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #youareenough #medication #antidepressants

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Learning To Survive – Empowering Children

LEARNING TO SURVIVE – EMPOWERING CHILDREN

Today was very overwhelming and undeniably emotional for me but today was above all, empowering. Listening to a panel of experts speak along with several young adults from the community share their stories about resilience and their mental health journeys felt empowering. Seeing an audience of several hundred people come together for one common purpose and with one common goal in mind was truly empowering.

Today I met some fucking incredible people and I learned many valuable tools and many more staggering statistics. I also learned that life is not all about winning, but more importantly it’s about learning to survive that matters. The symposium focused on how we as a society can help to empower our children and youth today as these statistics continue to rise and what we can do to help make this happen both at home and in the classroom.

There is a lot of debate about how early is too early to talk about mental health at home or in school and I could see today that everyone in attendance was in agreeance that we need to start talking about it from as early on as Pre-K. I certainly can’t argue with that and I have even written a children’s book now to prove it.

It’s not that anyone is asking teachers of young children to stand up in front of their class and start giving a powerpoint lecture on the psychology of the human brain, instead it’s about introducing ways for them to understand that they have mental health. It’s about teaching children the “culture of caring” by checking in on students regularly to ensure that they are okay, giving a friendly hello or high five as they pass them in the hall at lunchtime, it’s about finding a connection between each student and their teacher and it’s about making them feel safe so they can share their thoughts and feelings.

Starting to engage children more in mental health and wellness practices at a young age in school can be easily done through art, through music, through sport, through drama and through physical fitness as well. It may mean putting aside a geometry lesson for today in order to practice some mindfulness exercises or spending a bit more time on an art project which could give them better coping strategies, allow them to express their feelings better or help them to build better communication skills.

These activities and lessons should be front and centre in our school curriculums today and to be just as much of a priority as math and english are and I don’t just mean in Pre-K, but all throughout their formative years. Teachers are not meant to be therapists but by practicing many of these skill sets with their students will make them a better role model to their students and help more children thrive, help more children to erase the stigma for the next generation, help more students to become better equipped to understand that it’s ok to fail; in fact it’s imperative that they do so many, many times and hopefully this will help more of our youth and young adults left feeling more empowered than ever before.

A Broken Mind

I’ve never broken my arm (or leg) before so I can’t actually speak from experience but I’ve been around plenty of people in my lifetime who have. When someone breaks their arm most people’s reaction is likely one of sympathy and support. People around them eagerly want to sign their cast or help ease their pain or reduce the burden from being less mobile. They are forgiven if they can’t participate in the championship game this weekend or understood if they have to cancel an upcoming engagement. And most people will happily send them their good wishes, make sure that they are doing okay and be engaged in genuine conversations about how they are feeling.
When someone is battling a mental illness far too many of us still choose to suffer in silence or feel too afraid to share their story for fear that they will be judged or ridiculed but statistics show that unless you tell someone how you are feeling their illness may go unnoticed until it is sadly too late. And because having a mental illness is still so stigmatized today it makes it that much more difficult for others to acknowledge or accept it like you would when someone is suffering with a physical challenge.
If I had chosen not to share my journey with you or publish my book, most of you reading this right now would more than likely have no idea that I struggle with a mental illness every day. I mean why would you or how could you because it’s not like I’m wearing a cast around my head. If I chose to hide my illness from the outside world I’m guessing that many people who come into contact with me in some form or another would likely look at me as someone who is lazy, anti-social, somewhat flaky or possibly even rude.
Breaking your arm is painful and burdensome and deserves to be treated with sympathy and support from others but why should someone who’s challenges or illness are not visible to the naked eye not deserve the same sympathy and support? Why is it that we don’t feel ashamed when we have a broken arm but too many people in our society still make those battling a mental illness feel very ashamed even though they too are in an enormous amount of pain? Why is it okay to forgive someone who has the limited ability to participate in activities or difficulty going out due to a physical challenge but when faced with the same limitations and more due to a mental illness are looked upon as being weak?
I wrote a blog the other day (The Climb; Oct 20, 2019) about how difficult a time I am having and the reality of it is that I am fighting with every fibre of my being to stay alive right now and if I could stabilize or actually heal my fractured mind with the aid of a bandage around my head I would. I wish that I could help more people take notice of what excruciating pain there is in living with suicidal ideations with the aid of a bandage around my head. I wish I could help more people understand how real this disease is with the aid of a bandage around my head even though there are no physical signs present but what I wish for more than anything is that it would be easier for people to engage in conversations with someone battling a mental illness who is more than a willing participant to share their story without needing to take drastic measures or having the aid of a bandage around their head to prove that they are ŕeally sick.
The reality is there is no cast to help aid in the healing process of a mental illness but there certainly are many other ways to offer support or show acceptance and love because I really wish more than anything that I or the millions of other people suffering with a mental illness could have brighter days because someone took the time to sign their cast.

The Climb

*May be triggering* if you or someone you know are in crisis please call
1-833-456-4566 (Canada)
I’ve been battling with a lot of demons in my head this week. It’s not like it’s anything new to me as I’ve been battling with these same demons non-stop for more than 5 years now but this time they seem stronger and louder than ever. Much of the time when my suicidal thoughts come and go I’m able to shut them down or sometimes if they catch me totally off guard at the most inopportune moments I can manage to change the conversation or find a distraction, but then there are the days or even weeks like this one when that all seems near impossible and near fatal for me.
I recently came upon a quote from a poet by the name of Najwa Zebian which she wrote: “These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”. This quote has been on my mind all week as it feels like a metaphor for the demons I am battling right now for those mountains she speaks of are my suicidal thoughts and ideations that keep weighing me down and won’t allow me to climb above.
The thought of climbing that mountain is very scary and very lonely to say the least and the burden of not being able to has become so painfully overwhelming and exhausting. I keep trying to climb the mountain but then I lose my grip and it pulls me back down at full speed like an avalanche crashing through like a herd of wild animals.
One of the best things I can do for myself when the demon’s voice becomes this overpowering is to get up and walk away from it which is what Rich helped me do today. We decided to do a #summerofrich #falledition as the warm fall air and beautiful sunshine allowed us to do.
We visited High Park. What better way to try and climb that mountain than by looking at the gorgeous fall colours, walking the endless wooded trails, stopping to take in the beauty of the calming streams and ponds, breathing in the beautiful historical gardens and landscaping and being able to be up close and personal with the wildlife that lives within the park. I may not have climbed a mountain today but I certainly climbed a lot of hills.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicide #mentalhealth #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #highpark #summerofrich #falledition
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

It’s Thanksgiving Today And “I Get To”

Thanksgiving isn’t really a holiday that we celebrate in our home (although my kids have been dying to make pumpkin pie; I’m just not quite sure who’d actually eat it though!) but the significance of the holiday is certainly not lost on any of us.
I am grateful, I am blessed and I am thankful for having each one of these Goons (insert loving tone here 💕) in my life and I know that no matter what challenges we may face, obstacles we must overcome or hoops we will jump through, we “GET TO” do it together.
Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks to those who mean the most to us and to express our gratitude in general. It’s a time for feeling blessed and remembering that we should celebrate each victory, big or small and embrace every challenge in our life because we can and because we “GET TO”.
But for me, suffering with chronic depression and anxiety these are gigantic tasks. My perception is often not my reality but still I keep trying to challenge the very cruel and daunting voice in my head by changing the conversation each day from “I have to wake up again today” to “I get to wake up again today”. I’m not gonna lie though because many days the challenge feels endless and much of the time too burdensome to even want to keep trying.
When having the mindset that “I have to” do something it’s implying that it is a real burden as opposed to telling ourselves “I Get To” which is truly a blessing. I know just how important these 3 little words are to my recovery because as we all know it’s not what I “have to do” in my life that matters, it’s who “I GET TO” do my life with that does.
Maybe today we “get to” go to the grocery store (we are blessed to have food to eat), or maybe we “get to” pay some bills today (we are blessed to have a home that keeps us safe and warm) or maybe we “get to” take our toddler to the doctor today (because we are so blessed to be someone’s mom/dad).
So whether or not you are celebrating Thanksgiving today, lets all make a pact together and change our perspective to “I Get To” instead of “I Have To” and help each other look at life through the eyes of opportunity, gratitude and blessings because every day should feel like it’s Thanksgiving.
What do you “get to” do today?
#thanksgiving #getto #blessed #grateful #thankful #myreasonswhy

Crafting

Crafting or working on creative projects is an escape for me and always has been and lucky for me it also has many health benefits for your mental wellness too. Crafting is a great way for me to relieve stress by taking a break from my chronic anxiety and depression. Crafting can build self-esteem and self-confidence when you feel a sense of accomplishment or success from your achievement.
For me, part of the crafting or creating of a project itself is the excitement of planning and executing it. It’s not just about the finished product but also about the journey of getting there as well. It’s about challenging myself, learning new skills and once completed maybe even having a new knick-knack to display!
I created this piece to remind myself everyday and for anyone else who walks into my home that “you are enough”. That you were enough before you walked through my door, that you are enough now and that you will continue to be enough after. And even though I am forever believing otherwise I now have something to remind me that I am worthy, I am valued, I am accepted, I am true, I am loved and I am purposeful because I am me and that also means that you are you. #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalhealthawarenessweek #itsoktonotbeok #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #crafting #create

Can You Tell Me How To Get to Sesame Street?

Who doesn’t love Sesame Street? I mean it doesn’t get much better than Elmo, Oscar The Grouch and Big Bird now does it? Nor would they be celebrating 50 magical years on air next month if it wasn’t one of the most beloved neighborhoods for kids of all ages!
Throughout the last 50 years Sesame Street has embraced a myriad of groundbreaking storylines on their show with open arms. Each and every year they continue to tackle topics that reflect their diverse audience with only one goal in mind; education and inclusion.
These topics have ranged from racism, adoption, autism, down syndrome, divorce, being in a wheelchair, 9/11, death, a family member being incarcerated; the list is truly endless and for each topic they tackle, millions of children and their families are sitting in their living rooms, watching and feeling less alone in their own relatable struggle.
And now this week Sesame Street has done it once again by adding to their list of inclusive storylines when they recently introduced a new character by the name of Karli who begins to open up to her friends in the neighborhood about her mom’s addiction and mental health crisis. She tells her friends that her mom had to go away for treatment and that she is now in recovery and that a big part of her recovery is attending meetings every single day with people who have the same problem as her in order to help her stay healthy while being surrounded by people who understand what she is going through and learning how to take better care of herself.
The message Karli receives from her mom and her friends is one of hope and healing and it really resonated with me, bringing tears to my eyes (not that it takes much to make me cry). The message Karli receives is the same message that “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” aims to teach children which is that Mommy’s disease is not their fault, that they are not alone and that they are safe and loved.
It is also relating another very important message to their audience which is that it is never too early to start having these conversations with children because the more we open up and have honest conversations the sooner our children will understand that they are not at fault, that they are not alone and most of all that they are safe and loved. And lets not forget that the more education and inclusion we project upon young children today, the sooner we help to end the stigma around mental illness for future generations to come!
Watching Karli made me want to reach out and hug her so tight and then curl up next to her while reading “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” together. Just one quick question though before I go; “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
#youareenough #youarenotalone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #addictions #opioidcrisis #epidemic #compassion #friendship #itsoktonotbeok #acceptance #startaconversation #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazonca #sesamestreet #inclusion #educationiskey #childrenareourfuture #endthestigmatogether #kidsarepeopletoo #speakyourtruth #honesty #elmo #happyanniversary #cheerstofiftymore #mentalhealthawarenessweek

Self-Forgiveness

Today is Yom Kippur; which is considered the holiest holiday in the Jewish faith and according to the tradition we are encouraged on Yom Kippur to “make amends” and ask for forgiveness from any wrongdoing we may have done throughout the past year to others. Forgiving others can be very hard for many but what about learning to forgive ourselves? That is probably one of the most difficult things to do; but also one of the most courageous. I struggle with self-forgiveness every day but I know that in order to begin healing, it is also one of the bravest things to do.

#mentalhealthawarenessweek #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #selfcare #ichooseme #selfforgiveness #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #youareenough #youmatter #introspection #selflove #itsoktonotbeok #yomkippur

About Last Night

I’ve done quite a few events and interviews over the last month or so since my book was published but last night was by far the most meaningful one yet. As I mentioned last week I was asked to be a panelist at an event called Community Conversations at the Richmond Hill Public Library where I was to speak about Mental Illness and Stigma. In preparation for the event I was sent a series of 4 questions beforehand on the topic of Stigma in which I would be asked to discuss in front of the group along with a short bio about my journey and then followed up with a Q & A from the audience at the very end.
One by one each panelist discussed their views on (1) the harmful effects of the Stigma surrounding mental illness, (2) the most commonly held stereotypes about mentally ill people, (3) our strategies on how we as a society can help diminish the Stigma and (4) our thoughts on the important and urgent need for more access and funding to better educate the public about mental illness in order to increase understanding and empathy.
I was BEYOND anxious and overwhelmed all day yesterday and especially as I sat in my big, comfy chair waiting for the event to begin. I sat there looking around the room as the other panelists and guests arrived one by one and the anxiety and overwhelm just kept building. By now my head was filled with so much negative self-talk I thought it was going to explode! I wanted to run for the nearest exit screaming and crying (but I was in a library afterall and didn’t want to distract the 100’s of kids trying to study!) And no amount of breathing or grounding exercises seemed to be slowing down what was going on inside my body and mind either, but then the Moderator started to introduce the panel 1 by 1 and when I started to tell my story to a room full of strangers all my anxiety and overwhelm seemed to dissipate.
Suddenly I felt a sense of belonging and that by sharing my story and speaking from my heart on a topic I have so much passion and understanding for and knowing that I could possibly help someone feel less alone, feel like it’s ok to not be ok or feel a sense of comfort from within their own community made all the anxiety and overwhelm all worthwhile.
Everyone in attendance last night had their own reason for being there. Some may have been mental health educators or professionals, some may have been mental health advocates, some may have been in need of some guidance for their own mental wellness and some may have been there to seek advice on behalf of a loved one in need of support.
But whatever their reason was for being there, they all have a story to tell, we all have a story to tell and we definitely need more evenings like last night so that more and more people can have a safe place to feel like they can start telling their story and know that someone is listening. I know I want to hear it; how about you?
#mentalhealthawarenessweek #mentalillness #mentalhealth #stigma #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #choosekindness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #educationiskey #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazon #rhpl

Dip An Apple In Some Honey

For many people of the Jewish faith, tonight is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the start of a new year which also marks the high holy days ending with Yom Kippur ten days later. During these ten holy days Jewish people are meant to focus their attention on introspection and attonement. It is also the time of year where we should look to the future and be grateful to be given the opportunity for a new beginning while at the same time be able to ask for forgiveness for our sins from the past year.
For someone like myself who is battling a mental illness, these concepts are both a daily struggle and a large part of our recovery.
This time of year can often be very triggering but also very comforting for many. It may be an opportunity for some individuals, who like me, are suffering with a mental illness, to start important and necessary conversations around the dinner table or within their congregations. It may be the time of year that you find solace in speaking your truth. It may be the time of year that you feel safe in the hands of your loved ones or through prayer. It may be the time of year that your pain allows you to find the courage or help that you need and it may be the time of year that you start to feel like you are not alone in your journey.
So tonight or tomorrow or next week when you enter a place of worship or a loved one’s home or wherever these high holy days find you, try and look around the room at your surroundings and the people around you and give them strength, be present for them, offer a warm smile, a sincere handshake, a strong hug to help walk them through their darkness.
And although you may not truly understand what another person is feeling or going through, just knowing that someone cares or is willing to hold your hand and show compassion towards you may give them the strength and courage or allow them to focus their attention on introspection and atonement within themselves knowing they are not walking it alone.
L’Shanah Tova to everyone which simply means “to a good year” and remember to dip an apple in some honey for some extra sweetness.