Category: breathing exercises

Keeping it Real

*May be triggering to some* 

I had a really rough night and I’m so thankful that I had my husband and my pup (who turns 9 tomorrow) with me to keep me safe and get me through the night, especially knowing just how many people are alone right now. 
So much has changed in all of our lives over the last month and I’m pretty sure we are all having some rough days and nights but the one thing that hasn’t changed for me since this crisis began is that I still have the same mental illness I did before it started. 

I’m still suffering with chronic and treatment resistant depression, severe anxiety and suicidal ideations every damn day and all that seems to have changed for me over the course of the last month is that many, if not most of my symptoms have become exacerbated. 

It’s more important than ever to take care of our mental health and to make it a priority. Yet I’m feeling less and less inclined to do so anymore and more and more guilty for being sick with each passing day.

Oh the fucking guilt, it’s such a huge burden to carry. I feel invisible right now and I need to keep reminding myself that I’ve tried and that having a mental illness is not my fault. I need to keep reminding myself that I did not choose to have a mental illness and I need to stop apologizing for it even though the entire world may be experiencing a Pandemic right now. 

I could really use a hug, how about you? 

#checkonyourlovedones #masksofff #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #suicide #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #noshame #yourmentalhealthmatters #stateofemergency #pandemic #overwhelm #panicattack 

Where Will You Be Next Year


Tonight, as we gather around the table for our Seder, you may be feeling a bit sad or overwhelmed as you look around the room missing loved ones that you long to be with right now.

Traditionally at the close of the Passover Seder we sing or read the phrase (depends how drunk you are) from the Haggadah “Next Year In Jerusalem”  which signifies a Jewish person’s experience of living in exile and their desire to see the Temple rebuilt in Jerusalem. And the symbolism here (and throughout the entire story of Passover) to what is happening right now around the world (See blog “Why Is This Night Different?”; April 1, 2020) is really quite surreal.  

The state of the world has made me see this holiday through a completely different lens which may have only taken me close to 49 years and a world wide Pandemic to truly appreciate and understand the importance of Passover and in light of what is going on around the world I hope that when you reach the end of your Seder tonight and read (or sing) the words “Next Year In Jerusalem” that you know that you do not need to physically be in “Jerusalem” but instead you should see Jerusalem as a representation of hope and possibility, of peace and opportunity and a great reminder that we have overcome so much adversity and will do so again. 

“Next Year In Jerusalem” may we all be in the presence of our loved ones wherever that may be in the world; in good health and happiness.

Wishing everyone who celebrates a happy and meaningful Passover. 

#passover #sedar #whyisthisnightdifferent #plagues #family #traditions #haggadah #feast #youareenough #stayhome #wereallinthistogether #flattenthecurve #socialdistancing #covid19 #togetherapart 

It’s Okay To Cry Over Spilt Milk


Last night I had a meltdown of epic proportions. I knew that it being my 6 year Anniversary since the onset of my illness yesterday (See blog “The Anniversary Effect”; April 4, 2020) that it wasn’t gonna be an easy day. But I did just what any good doctor would order me to do and got out of bed (eventually), took a 2 hour walk through my neighborhood and then treated myself to a warm bubble bath when we got home. 

But like clockwork everything changed without a moment’s notice and almost as soon as I stepped out of the bathtub I found myself crying over “spilt milk” again, even if most of what I was crying over wasn’t really worth getting upset about at all; but you see, the truth is, it really feels like there is plenty of spilt milk to cry over these days.

At any given moment we may find ourselves feeling sad, scared, disappointed, angry, worried, distracted, exhausted, restless, short tempered or impatient (did I cover enough adjectives?). I find that since first becoming ill my patience has become next to nil which can often stir up plenty of other emotions quickly. And now with each passing day I’m pretty sure that most of us are finding ourselves losing their patience too in some way or another or with someone or another. In other words, we are all starting to get on each other’s nerves.

It’s ok if you’re not quite ready to admit to it yet though and since there is no real guidebook for us to follow on how we should feel during a Pandemic, we all get a free pass. So with no Playbook or guidelines to follow on how we should react or be feeling right now let me reassure you that whatever the heck you are feeling is perfectly valid. 

Even if you’re living with June Cleaver from “Leave It To Beaver” we are all learning together how to coexist with others on a much different level than we were before and you may be feeling very claustrophobic, frustrated, on edge and downright snappy toward one another as we test each other’s patience and deal with each other’s anxieties and ever changing moods. 

It’s hard, it’s super fucking hard right now but “we’re all in this together” and the one thing that is gonna make this nightmare just a tad bit easier is ensuring that we all work together as a team, within our individual homes, and create a Playbook with your home team. (I really do miss sports)

This experience is no doubt gonna change us all and we are all going to have to make some changes in order to get through this Pandemic together and maybe a good place to start is by developing a “Playbook” for your home team and make sure it includes several “strategies” and “plays” that can help reduce some of your household stressors and anxieties. 

Ask your teammates what you need from them right now and moving forward to help make this time together more successful and remember that it’s still ok to cry over spilt milk while figuring it out, but by figuring it out together hopefully we will create some stronger, more adhesive family units by the time this is all over.

So what are some things you need in your Playbook?

#wereallinthistogether #family #playbook #teamwork #teammates #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #anxiety #depression #spiltmilk #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourstrongfriends #covid19 #coronavirus #togetherapart #flattenthecurve #socialdistancing #unitedasone 

Suicide During A Pandemic

*May Be Triggering*

The impact that Covid-19 has had on the world is immeasurable and unprecedented and these uncertain times have left much of the world feeling very helpless and very often hopeless. 

For 6 years now I myself have been living with daily feelings of helplessness and hopelessness but not because of Covid-19 but instead due to Depression and Anxiety and the combination of those feelings is what often leads me to having daily thoughts of Suicide, none of which has changed because of Covid-19. 

To be perfectly honest there are some days lately that those feelings are even more overwhelmingly hard to ignore and I know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling because whether or not you were suffering with Depression, Anxiety or thoughts of Suicide before Covid-19, many, many more people are suffering with one or more of these symptoms now and many, many many more will continue to suffer well after this is all over and we begin to piece our lives back together. 

There are so many reasons why so many people’s mental health and safety are sure to be impacted from the Coronavirus and so many reasons why there could be a surge in suicidal deaths in the coming months. 

Whether it’s from having to self-isolate alone, or the impact of being quarantined with family that could increase our thoughts of Suicide. Or maybe it could be due to our heightened anxiety from fear of financial struggles or a loss of a job that can lead to Depression or thoughts of Suicide. Or some of us may become super fearful of losing a loved one to Coronavirus or spend our days worrying incessantly about contracting the virus itself. 

For some of us it may be from having a change in our routine, worry that the Pandemic will never end or simply that we have less activity in our life right now and way more time for negative thinking to occur. 

I won’t go into detail about where my thoughts are at the moment and whether it’s just one factor or all of them that are affecting my mental state during the Pandemic, but I will say again and again, I know I am not alone which is why it is imperative that we keep checking up on each other regularly regardless of how strong you think someone is because they may just be the one who is suddenly feeling the most helpless or hopeless of us all.

If you or someone you know is in crisis please call: Kids Help Phone: 1 800 668-6868 or Canada Suicide Prevention: 1 833 456-4566 and as always I am hear to lend an ear.


#suicide #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #pandemic #overwhelm #helpless #hopeless #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourstrongfriends #checkonyourlovedones 

It’s 3AM

Having an anxiety attack sucks whatever time it is; day or night, but the feeling you get when you’re all alone and already feeling very vulnerable because it’s 3am and you can’t sleep and you just wish there was someone to talk to and that your husband would stop snoring really takes the cake!

#anxiety #anxietyisreal #anxietysucks #anxietyattack #cantbreathe #maggiecuddle  #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #thisisreallife #cantsleep

A Crafty Kinda Day

I hope you can tell from the picture (it’s a glass frame so you may have to zoom in to get the full effect) that the central focus inside the frame is a semicolon with positive affirmations encompassing it. The semicolon has been a huge part of my story for several years now and I have shown my support to the Project Semicolon Movement for close to 4 years now. For those of you who don’t know, Project Semicolon is a “nonprofit organization known for its advocacy of mental health wellness and its focus as an anti-suicide initiative. Founded in 2013, the movement’s aim is presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression,suicide, addiction, and self-injury. They are known for encouraging people to tattoo the punctuation mark semicolon (;) as a form of solidarity between people dealing with mental illness or the death of someone from suicide”, which is what I did in July 2016 (see photo).


I’ve been struggling a lot over the past week and I figured I could use some inspiration today so I made it a “crafty” kind of day. It’s ok to not be ok, it’s ok to talk about the hard days and it’s more than ok to tell someone you’re struggling because we all deserve to feel hope, we all deserve to feel worthy and we all deserve to feel like our story isn’t over yet; 

My tattoo on my left shoulder

You see, a semicolon is not just any ole punctuation mark that an author would use to end a sentence, it instead indicates a brief pause, and for me that brief pause is a symbol of my life and the need to catch my breath in order to continue the rest of my story. We are all authors to our own stories and it’s ok if you need to take a pause between sentences. 

#selfcare #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #semicolon #projectsemicolon #youareenough #breathe #pause #keepgoing #youmatter #crafts #yourstoryisntoveryet #tattoo #chai #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #blogger #author #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca 

Learning To Survive – Empowering Children

LEARNING TO SURVIVE – EMPOWERING CHILDREN

Today was very overwhelming and undeniably emotional for me but today was above all, empowering. Listening to a panel of experts speak along with several young adults from the community share their stories about resilience and their mental health journeys felt empowering. Seeing an audience of several hundred people come together for one common purpose and with one common goal in mind was truly empowering.

Today I met some fucking incredible people and I learned many valuable tools and many more staggering statistics. I also learned that life is not all about winning, but more importantly it’s about learning to survive that matters. The symposium focused on how we as a society can help to empower our children and youth today as these statistics continue to rise and what we can do to help make this happen both at home and in the classroom.

There is a lot of debate about how early is too early to talk about mental health at home or in school and I could see today that everyone in attendance was in agreeance that we need to start talking about it from as early on as Pre-K. I certainly can’t argue with that and I have even written a children’s book now to prove it.

It’s not that anyone is asking teachers of young children to stand up in front of their class and start giving a powerpoint lecture on the psychology of the human brain, instead it’s about introducing ways for them to understand that they have mental health. It’s about teaching children the “culture of caring” by checking in on students regularly to ensure that they are okay, giving a friendly hello or high five as they pass them in the hall at lunchtime, it’s about finding a connection between each student and their teacher and it’s about making them feel safe so they can share their thoughts and feelings.

Starting to engage children more in mental health and wellness practices at a young age in school can be easily done through art, through music, through sport, through drama and through physical fitness as well. It may mean putting aside a geometry lesson for today in order to practice some mindfulness exercises or spending a bit more time on an art project which could give them better coping strategies, allow them to express their feelings better or help them to build better communication skills.

These activities and lessons should be front and centre in our school curriculums today and to be just as much of a priority as math and english are and I don’t just mean in Pre-K, but all throughout their formative years. Teachers are not meant to be therapists but by practicing many of these skill sets with their students will make them a better role model to their students and help more children thrive, help more children to erase the stigma for the next generation, help more students to become better equipped to understand that it’s ok to fail; in fact it’s imperative that they do so many, many times and hopefully this will help more of our youth and young adults left feeling more empowered than ever before.

About Last Night

I’ve done quite a few events and interviews over the last month or so since my book was published but last night was by far the most meaningful one yet. As I mentioned last week I was asked to be a panelist at an event called Community Conversations at the Richmond Hill Public Library where I was to speak about Mental Illness and Stigma. In preparation for the event I was sent a series of 4 questions beforehand on the topic of Stigma in which I would be asked to discuss in front of the group along with a short bio about my journey and then followed up with a Q & A from the audience at the very end.
One by one each panelist discussed their views on (1) the harmful effects of the Stigma surrounding mental illness, (2) the most commonly held stereotypes about mentally ill people, (3) our strategies on how we as a society can help diminish the Stigma and (4) our thoughts on the important and urgent need for more access and funding to better educate the public about mental illness in order to increase understanding and empathy.
I was BEYOND anxious and overwhelmed all day yesterday and especially as I sat in my big, comfy chair waiting for the event to begin. I sat there looking around the room as the other panelists and guests arrived one by one and the anxiety and overwhelm just kept building. By now my head was filled with so much negative self-talk I thought it was going to explode! I wanted to run for the nearest exit screaming and crying (but I was in a library afterall and didn’t want to distract the 100’s of kids trying to study!) And no amount of breathing or grounding exercises seemed to be slowing down what was going on inside my body and mind either, but then the Moderator started to introduce the panel 1 by 1 and when I started to tell my story to a room full of strangers all my anxiety and overwhelm seemed to dissipate.
Suddenly I felt a sense of belonging and that by sharing my story and speaking from my heart on a topic I have so much passion and understanding for and knowing that I could possibly help someone feel less alone, feel like it’s ok to not be ok or feel a sense of comfort from within their own community made all the anxiety and overwhelm all worthwhile.
Everyone in attendance last night had their own reason for being there. Some may have been mental health educators or professionals, some may have been mental health advocates, some may have been in need of some guidance for their own mental wellness and some may have been there to seek advice on behalf of a loved one in need of support.
But whatever their reason was for being there, they all have a story to tell, we all have a story to tell and we definitely need more evenings like last night so that more and more people can have a safe place to feel like they can start telling their story and know that someone is listening. I know I want to hear it; how about you?
#mentalhealthawarenessweek #mentalillness #mentalhealth #stigma #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #choosekindness #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #educationiskey #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazon #rhpl

TODAY IS SEPTEMBER 10TH: DON’T GIVE UP!

I think it’s probably safe to say that at some point in your life you have felt loneliness, or maybe you have felt like a failure, or maybe you have felt helpless or maybe even worthless. It might’ve only been for a day or a week or for many like myself, it might’ve been for years but no matter the length of time it probably felt like an eternity.
Today is September 10th and today is World Suicide Prevention Day which is a day solely dedicated to raising awareness and prevention of suicidal behaviors worldwide.
The World Health Organization (WHO) joins forces each year with The International Association For Suicide Prevention (IASP) and World Federation For Mental Health (WFMH) to provide this forum for mental health professionals, crisis teams, suicide survivors and anyone else who has been affected by suicide with special activities and events being held all over the world.
Yes you may be reading my mind because of course it will take way more than just one day a year for change to come about but by recognizing it and talking about it is a stepping stone to starting important and necessary conversations everywhere and no matter what that is the goal of today.
That was the same goal of one such movement I recently came across (well maybe like 6 mths ago if we’re gonna get technical) which began about 2 years ago in Oregon and truly defines what one important and necessary conversation can do to help save lives.
Imagine for a moment that day or that week or those years that you felt loneliness or like a failure or helpless or maybe even worthless. Now imagine yourself for a moment, riding home from work after a long day and you’re feeling worthless or think about a child who arrives at school one morning who feels lonely and suddenly in front of you there is a “sign”.
#dontgiveupsigns is a movement which began as I mentioned above in Oregon by one family who upon learning that the suicide rate in their community was rapidly rising, they decided right then and there that they needed to be a part of the solution by spreading love and hope. So as a family they began knocking on strangers doors asking if they would be willing to place a sign on their front lawn for a couple of weeks. And before they knew it their simple act of kindness was becoming an international phenomenon.
Their signs read messages of hope and encouragement like “you matter”, “you are not alone”, ” it’s not too late”, “don’t give up”, “you are worthy of love” and more. In 2 short years their signs (and now stickers, bracelets and pins too) have made their way to 27 countries and in 6 different languages and they aren’t slowing down.
They are now a non profit organization committed to helping others who may be feeling lonely or like a failure or helpless or maybe even worthless. They started a conversation and now they are paying it forward.
So what if it was you in that car driving home from work that day feeling worthless or what if it was your child who arrives at school every day feeling lonely and right there at the right time and in the right place they saw a “sign”? You just never know how a simple act of kindness may change someone else’s whole world forever.
Please go to dontgiveupsigns.com or follow them on Facebook and Instagram to learn more. I know how much I’d love to see these signs popping up in my own community. Who’s with me?
@dontgiveupmovement @who
#worldsuicidepreventionday
#dontgiveupsigns
#changingtheconversation
#onesignatatime
#wordsmatter #youmatter #startaconversation
#checkonyourlovedones
#dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #dailyreminder #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #endthestigmatogether #bekindtoyourself #selfcare #youareenough #choosekindness

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

It’s no secret that I need a good kick in the pants each morning when I look in the mirror (and several more times throughout the day) because what I see is most often a distortion of reality. What I see when I look in the mirror is worthlessness, failure and helplessness.

I know what you’re probably thinking, I can see your heads shaking in confusion; asking yourself; how could she see those things in the mirror after what she just accomplished? How could she think those things after she just fulfilled her dream of publishing a children’s book? How could she possibly feel this way? Well, simply put, it’s called Depression.

A great way to describe depression is not as a feeling of sadness which many believe to be true, but more as the inability to feel joy and then mix that with a heapful of anxiety and I am left too overwhelmed to live in the moment for long.

This week there may have been a moment of joy but it was abruptly and due to very unexpected circumstances turned into deep sadness and now both my husband and I are left in need of a good kick in the pants more than ever when looking in the mirror so I decided it was the perfect time to try an experiment that I had learned in therapy.

Last night before getting into bed I wrote all over our bathroom mirror (with a dry erase marker!). Surprise Rich! And as you can see from the picture attached, I wrote lots of positive affirmations; leaving very little room for any negative self-talk to reflect through and more room to create peace of mind and joy.

I’ve never really been much into science experiments before but it’s been proven to be an effective way to improve your self-critical way of thinking. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious which perpetuate your way of thinking and believing by reading them aloud repeatedly. I guess I will take it one mirror at a time!

What are some other positive affirmations you see in your reflection when looking in the mirror?