Author: Kim Fluxgold

Two-thirds of my ❤️


#nationaldaughtersday #mygirls #mentalhealth #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #myheart #libra #virgo

*Please enjoy some of the highlights from #summerofrich 2022 https://www.facebook.com/reel/497774772191176?s=yWDuG2&fs=e

Today is the first full day of Fall. 

You can already feel it in the air.

I have to say that I do love summer more than all the other seasons combined but who could argue that there is just something about Fall that gives us a fresh outlook or perspective.

Fall gives us an opportunity for change, to meet new people, to set new goals and to find ways to motivate ourselves as we dive back into more regular daily routines. 

The cooler temps and vibrant colours on the trees make us want to immerse ourselves in nature. Such incredible benefits for our mental health. 

Fall often means more time to spend with family whether it be during holidays or sipping on pumpkin spice lattes or chowing down on Halloween candy. 

With the winter blues on the horizon for many, Fall is a great time to embrace nature’s healing powers and resilience.

Describe your perfect Fall day. 

#Fall #autumn #change #goals #resilience #healingpowers #nature #endofsummer #winterblues #ilovesummer  #summerofrich #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #vibrantfallcolours #coolertemps #whatisyourperfectfallday 

Yesterday’s blog I posted was pretty heavy. I know. (In case you missed it though: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/09/20/tmi/)

By the time I finished writing it, it was well after 4am but I was up anyways as I’d been anxiously awaiting a text from Jacob to let me know that he’d landed safely in Israel. My imagination seems to run into overdrive at those hours of the night (well technically the morning) and is definitely when my thoughts feel most despairing which I’m sure many of you can relate to. 

I’m very overwhelmed right now to say the least, and writing has become such a cathartic outlet for me so I started writing earlier that evening to help try and calm my distressing thoughts and I just kept on writing and then writing some more. I guess I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head. 

I wasn’t sure the more I sat and wrote that I was actually intending to share it publicly as I wasn’t sure how it would be received, but I’m very glad I did. The outpouring of love and genuine concern I received after people read my post was immeasurable. I received messages from people asking how they can support me, others privately offering up some suggestions and resources for me and many more just messaging me to check in to see if I was okay and safe.

There was also a general theme present in many of the messages I received both on and offline yesterday which I’ve heard time and time again since I first began sharing my journey; Kim you are so brave.

I honestly don’t see myself as brave at all. 

Sharing my story has become second nature for me. It gives me purpose. Being authentic and real gives me purpose. I am not ashamed to talk about the struggles I go through living with a mental illness, it’s only given me more purpose which is why I don’t necessarily consider myself brave. 

I will say though that maybe it takes a great deal of courage to do what I do (especially yesterday) given how mental illness is so misconceived and misunderstood by so much of society still and the stigma that’s very much attached to it. 

We all struggle with one thing or another in our lives but too many of us unfortunately still choose to do so in silence which is why I am perceived as someone who is so brave. Bravery is being afraid to do something but doing it anyways so my guess is l bet we all have the power within us to be brave!

#suicideawarenessmonth #beingbrave #courage #purpose #sharingmystory #beingauthentic #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #secondnature #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #sufferinginsilence

**New Blog: Please Read to the end**

I’m ready to share my truth (as embarrassing as this is for me) of what happened to me during my Psilocybin treatment and what it has done to the quality of my life since. It’s a long one but I do hope an educational one as well.

*may be triggering*

The clinical portion of my Psilocybin journey has now come to an end. It actually feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had no longer qualified for further treatments due to the neurological damage it had caused me which has also contributed to a significant decline in my mental health too but I made a promise to my Psychiatrist several months ago to stay as present as I could in the study, just on a much smaller scale, so that they could continue to collect necessary data for their research (*I’m pretty sure I will be written up in medical journals as that one unexplainable phenomenon).

As many of you know who follow my journey regularly I have always kept a promise to be as open and honest as I possibly can and I have made it my life’s purpose to allow others who may be reading or listening to always feel as though they are not alone and that it’s ok to ask for help. Sharing my own struggles has brought comfort to so many people and although I may not share everything going on in my life, if it’s part of my own personal mental health story, I’d say it’s been pretty darn close. 

As many of you also know, I have been feeling extremely defeated lately, frustrated, angry and beyond exhausted from all the added stress I’m dealing with. I’m worn out to the point that I’m barely holding on right now. I’ve got no more fight left in me and I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been consumed by thoughts of suicide day and night for weeks now because of what I’m going through mentally, physically AND personally. 

The other day though, I was reminded of a conversation I’d had with a Psychiatrist I spoke with late one night while in emerg last September. He told me that it was now time for me to start advocating for myself and not just for others. I took what he said to heart and it’s been a huge focus of mine for the past year but now I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. There are just too many obstacles in my way due to our failing healthcare system and the lack of resources, understanding and research surrounding my new condition. 

So to say that I am feeling very much alone right now is probably an understatement which is why I have decided that today is the day I am going to open the curtain into my life just a little bit wider and try and advocate for myself by using the same platform that has helped so many other people find the courage to ask for help or feel less alone and I know firsthand just how powerful social media can be (just know as you continue reading that this is also the hardest and honestly most difficult thing I’ve ever shared along my entire journey).

It’s actually near insanity what I’m about to share. I still can’t believe it myself. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.

As it is, it took me the better part of a month of suffering in complete silence post treatment before I finally found the courage to even open up to my own husband about what had truly been happening to my body since the first moment my psychedelic trip began. For several weeks prior I just kept trying to convince myself that it was all in my head and I must be imagining it.

The “trip” lasted well over 6 hours in total and far longer than the doctors in my care ever expected; five and a half of those hours were spent laying completely helpless on a very uncomfortable couch, pillow under my head, my body wrapped in a blanket (that I quickly managed to unwrap) while listening to very distressing music on headphones they gave me as part of the study and my eyes covered in a dark mask all the while, convulsing non stop. Once I finally divulged everything to Rich then came the even more difficult conversations with my therapist, Psychiatrist and GP. A diagnosis was confirmed but that was just the beginning. 

Suffering in silence is not a healthy way to live but as I’m sure you will be able to understand shortly, I was too embarrassed and too ashamed to share with anyone else until I began to process my diagnosis and opening up little by little with close friends almost became a necessity and the more I learned through my own research, including joining a Facebook group I found for people like myself from all over the world who are dealing with this same unrelenting, unbearable, very rare, incurable disorder was I able to slowly feel comfortable enough sharing with others as well.

But it’s not enough anymore. It’s becoming more and more concerning, without any resolution in sight and as my level of stress increases so too do my symptoms. It’s becoming more and more unmanageable and more and more difficult to hide it. I’ve seen 2 different types of Neurologists, one of whom sent me for an EEG and MRI and one of whom told me a circuit broke in my brain the day of the treatment and hopefully it will fix itself one day. I’m on a wait list to see 2 other specialists and have been told I will be lucky if I get in to see either of them within the year. 

Through my own self-advocacy and Google searches I was able to find the only 2 doctors in Ontario (both of whom do research at Queens University in Kingston Ontario). They are both recognized as “distinguished” in this field of study. They were able to recommend a couple of treatment options to me but unfortunately one of which was to try taking an antidepressant to help give me some relief from my symptoms which is also unfortunately not a viable option for me given the lengthy list of dangerous side effects they have caused me in the past. I’d just be trading in one issue for another, if they’d even work at all, which is not a risk I’m willing to take any more. Their other recommendations are not ones covered by our lovely healthcare system unless I do it through one of the 2 referrals I’m hoping to see before 2024!!

I am speaking out today because I want to help normalize this disorder and spread awareness. The number of people suffering in silence right now far outweighs the statistics due to its sensitive nature which is also why I’ve chosen to use my platform to try and find other avenues to explore or doors which could possibly open up faster in order for me or someone else reading this to seek help (there is one Guru whose name has been mentioned numerous times to me by the doctors I’ve spoken to and many members in the Facebook group I’m in who have had the pleasure of meeting him but unfortunately he works in San Diego!). He’s written many research articles on the topic which is why he is so well known because there has been very minimal research done on the topic and has only been recognized in the medical field for the past 20 years, leaving what seems to be most doctors having very little to no training or knowledge on its many complexities. 

I am finding myself sleeping less and less as sitting and lying down escalate many of my flare-ups throughout my day and when the flare-ups are at their peak my entire body trembles. I am experiencing a constant tingling sensation in my hands and feet, brain zaps, numbness throughout my body, nausea and a shakiness in both my arms and legs (likened to that of restless leg syndrome). I can no longer handle simple touch and sudden noises or movement like a sneeze, cough, snore or clearing of someone’s throat will trigger my symptoms as well. It is consuming my entire life and wellbeing at this point in time. Distractions throughout my day are certainly helpful but only last for short periods of time.

I think I will leave you here with an article attached to help fill in the blanks (which there are lots of). As I mentioned at the start of this please know that this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever shared, but I don’t want it to be. 

If anyone would like to reach out to me privately please feel free to. 

Thank you for those who made it all the way to the end. I apologize for its length but I just needed to get it all out. Thank you for continuing to come along with me on this crazy journey of mine.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23998-persistent-genital-arousal-disorder

#pgad #tmi #mentalhealth #suicideawareness #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #stress #youarenotalone #itsoktoaskforhelp #myjourney #blogger #youareenough #sharingmytruth #itsoktonotbeok #treatmentresistantdepression #selfadvocacy

Sharing my story has become a big part of my healing process and it helps me feel less alone. It’s built connections I could’ve never imagined and it helps me work through many of the obstacles I face in my daily life too. 

But the truth is, it isn’t who I am that holds me back, it’s who I think I’m not. “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Battling depression makes it extremely difficult for me to see what others see in me because from where I’m standing the view is pretty distorted but whether it’s an inspiring quote sent to me by a dear friend, a sentimental painting made with love or a heartfelt message from a complete stranger who’s taken the time to reach out to me to remind me of my importance on this planet, please know that I hear you, I see you and boy do I ever appreciate you. 

These gentle reminders are simple yet impactful ways to let others know (even a stranger) that you have the power to be someone who helps others who enter your life, even a stranger, feel like they matter.

Everyone deserves to feel as though they are worth it. Three years ago today I was honoured in a room filled with new friends, old friends, friends I’d never met as well as loved ones to celebrate the launch of my new children’s book. The words Rich spoke to me that night are words that I continue to hold dear to my heart still today, reminding me of all the things I can’t see in me and that there is nothing more powerful than to “be someone who makes everybody else feel like a someone.” ~ unknown 

Click here for video montage to see how others see me: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cis7jOUJHMR/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

Feel free to also check out Rich’s words in the link below: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/09/20/my-love/

#mondaymotivation #aheroliesinyou #besomeonewhomakeseveryonefeellikeasomeone #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #howdoothersseeme #selflove #wheredidmommyssmilego #youareworthy #youareenough #speakingfromtheheart

My first wine tour. I drank pink lemonade!

Thanks for taking us on a sparkling adventure this afternoon @hannahfluxgold.

Family + friends = fun – some key players = 🥲.

#winetour #niagaraonthelake #summerofrich #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #friends #family #wine #lemonade #lastweekendofsummer @ravinevineyard

May we raise sons to cherish their mothers and may we all be mothers who cherish their sons.

As you close the chapter on the year that’s past I’m certain you will look back on it with so much pride, remembering a year filled with some of the most incredible, life-changing memories, milestones and firsts for you.

And now as you turn the page again today to the start of another new year I will be there, cheering you on, excitedly waiting to see where your journey will take you next.

Hannah, you exemplify such strength, beauty and grace in everything you do and dad and I are both so very proud, grateful and blessed to call you our daughter.

Happy birthday Hannah Banana

#happybirthday #middlechild #hannahbanana #proudmama #grateful #blessed #ourbestsurprise #cheerstotwentythree #newchapter #birthdaygirl #princess #daddysgirl #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday

*Trigger Warning* *Suicidal Ideations*

I am so beyond the point of being just angry and frustrated with myself. I am now living with so much regret as well for ever considering taking part in the clinical trial due to the overwhelming damage it has caused my body but I also know that had I not tried it I’d always be wondering, “what if”?

I went into treatment day on April 2, 2022 with a positive mindset and set intentions. I felt hopeful after all the research I’d done on the many benefits of Psilocybin that this would finally be what could help lift my cloud of sadness and somehow alleviate my symptoms of living with treatment resistant depression for so long. I figured I had nothing more to lose and prayed for the “what if” it could help change my mindset for even just a short while or “what if” it could help better the quality of my life. “What if” it actually works?

Well five and a half months later as my participation in the trial comes to a close this week, my mental health is at its breaking point and all I do is beat myself up for believing that it was going to change my life for the better as I continue to live with the unbearable consequences and feelings of once again failing yet another treatment which is exactly what my depression wants me so badly to believe.

And to add further insult to injury after I’d made myself a promise some time ago to NEVER, EVER watch another Documentary or investigative news report on TV or watch another YouTube video or read another scientifically based article on the topic or even consider trying another psychedelic, I turned on the new Netflix limited series the other day called “How To Change Your Mind” which is based on a book by Michael Pollan. I went right to the episode on Psilocybin. 

For more than a year prior to being accepted into the trial, even while I was in the midst of doing my Ketamine treatments several months earlier; friends, acquaintances and strangers alike would reach out to me with only the best of intentions and purest of hearts to tell me that I’ve gotta try therapy led microdosing, that it’s the absolute best thing in the world, that it’s been life changing for them and so healing. I was assured I’d find God, see God, talk to God and possibly even become God lol and so when the opportunity presented itself at the end of last year through my Psychiatrist to participate in this research trial I didn’t hesitate. But unfortunately this was not what happened for me and these magic mushrooms were far from magical. My body has proven to me time and time again that it is overwhelmingly sensitive to any chemicals I put into it, natural or not.

As I sat there watching the episode in its entirety, I cried, alot. My emotions rose at an alarming rate as I began to relive the events of that day in a series of flashbacks while observing others on the screen go through a similar journey as mine yet they all came out of it with a clearer mind and their cloud of darkness lifted. Watching the episode while torchering myself further only reiterated to me what I already knew; that I’m a failure. 

I know, I know, I’m not a failure, it’s the system that keeps failing me. I know, I know, it’s not my fault that my body rejected the heavy dose of Psilocybin I received. I know, I know it’s not my fault that both my body and mind went into another dimension and couldn’t find its way out for over 6 hours and I know, I know, it’s not my fault that I had absolutely no therapy led guidance throughout the treatment as I lay there, beyond helpless in front of two doctors, for hours and hours convulsing and spasming while they observed me like a lab rat, taking notes and not once uttering a word to me. It felt anything but therapeutic or healing. 

I share my personal experiences with you not to deter anyone from following their own path towards healing but for others to understand that the path to healing from a mental illness is not linear nor can someone just snap out of it. No two people are the same, no two experiences are the same and what works for one person may not work for someone else and vice versa. But you will never know unless you try. For now though my journey toward healing feels like it’s at a standstill as this entire experience has left me feeling as though I can’t do this anymore. 

youareenough712.wordpress.com 

#Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #research #magicmushrooms #ptsd #treatmentresistantdepression #mentalhealth #healing #wellness #suicideawarenessmonth #selfcare #frustrated #angry #regret #whatif

NO, you are not useless.

NO, you are not a burden, lazy or worthless.

NO, this is not your fault and NO, the world would not be better off without you in it.

I know Depression is telling you these lies because it tells me the exact same ones each and every day; lets try and fight back together because you my friend are not alone.

#depressionlies #repeatafterme #youmyfriendarenotalone #no #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #fightback #itsoktonotbeok