Yesterday took a lot out of me.
And I’m feeling it today in big ways.
By late afternoon yesterday, I was beyond mentally and physically exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that settles into your bones and makes you realize just how much your body and mind have been carrying.
Yesterday morning, I had an appointment with a specialist to have not one, but three root canals done on my front teeth.
For the first time ever, I decided to try laughing gas. I knew I needed something to take the edge off, and honestly, I’m very glad I did.
I also finally had the wire removed after two long months.
I thought seeing my teeth without it would make me feel better. Instead, all it did was cause further anxiety as to how much more work there is still left to be done.
In about a week or so, I’ll be back at the dentist for the next step after the root canals and to discuss everything that still needs to be done, including my other two teeth that didn’t make it at all.
I left the clinic frozen, swollen, and in an immense amount of pain.
I went home for a couple of hours, took some Advil, then headed back out for my second appointment of the day.
Thankfully, Rich was off yesterday to support me and chauffeur me around.
I definitely needed both.
My second appointment was with the cardiologist my GP had arranged for me. A few weeks ago, I had an echocardiogram, and yesterday we went over the results and tried to get to the bottom of why I fainted without warning.
For the most part, the echocardiogram was okay, which was reassuring. There was one concern that needs further investigation, so in a few weeks I’ll be back for a stress test and a Holter monitor. She also suggested some non-heart related scenarios that would be on a more neurological side of things.
And so it continues.
By the time I got home, I had very little left in me.
And underneath it all, there is still so much fear.
Uncertainty.
Frustration. Frustration of realizing that even though I’ve already been through so much, I’m nowhere near the end of this.
There are still so many appointments ahead. So many procedures. So many questions without answers.
I’m tired.
I’m scared.
I’m overwhelmed by how much there still is to deal with, and by the financial strain that comes with needing so much care, so many appointments, and so many procedures.
I wish I had some poetic or hopeful way to wrap this piece all up, but right now I’m just trying to get through the day.
But seeing as today is the first full day of fall, I’m going to leave you with a little highlight reel of some of the micro-moments of joy I managed to find my way through during what was, without a doubt, the shittiest summer of my life.
They may not have made the pain or uncertainty disappear.
But they mattered.
Because even during the shittiest seasons of our lives, there can still be little moments of joy tucked in between the hard ones.
#youareenough
