Yom Kippur is over.
Tonight, family came together at our home, as we have for many years, to break the fast with a traditional dairy meal.
Except this year, I didn’t fast.
And I’ve had a lot of big feelings about it.
I’ve fasted on Yom Kippur for as long as I can remember, or at least since I was a young teenager. It became part of the rhythm of the day. Something I did because this was what we were supposed to do.
But this year, I made a different choice.
Two months ago, on the night of my accident, I was incredibly anxious and missing Maggie so much that the thought of eating dinner felt overwhelming. Hours later, that turned into a life-altering mistake I never want to repeat.
Since then, I’ve been diligent about eating every few hours, listening to my body, and making sure I give it what it needs.
So this year, I chose not to fast.
And the guilt came quickly.
Was I letting someone down? Letting myself down? Failing at something I’d always done?
Maybe those questions hit so hard because me and food have a long, complicated history.
My struggles with food began in my late teens, when an eating disorder entered my life. Since then, food has rarely been just food. There have been years of control, fear, guilt, rules, and learning that my body deserves to be cared for.
So perhaps this Yom Kippur wasn’t really about whether I could go without food.
Maybe it was about recognizing that I don’t need to.
Tonight, my family gathered around the table. The traditions were still there. And so was my mom’s scrumptious kugel, which Rich has perfected. The same kugel she made for this special meal throughout my childhood.
I couldn’t get enough of it.
Maybe taking care of the body I’ve been given can also be an act of faith.
Maybe honoring myself sometimes means doing something differently than how I’ve always done it.
And I am not letting anyone down by doing so.
Tonight, Yom Kippur ended around a table filled with family, tradition, love, and food.
And maybe, for me, that was exactly what I needed this year.
Not to prove that I could go without.
But to recognize that I am worth taking care of.
#breakthefast #yomkippur #fasting #family #kugel #grief #eatingdisorders
YouAreEnough 