Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of suicidal ideations
We had friends over last night.
I always look forward to spending time with them and was truly looking forward to our evening together, even though I was beyond emotionally exhausted from the week I’ve had.
They brought pizza with them. Yum.
We engaged in some great conversation. Caught up on each other’s lives.
We watched the Leafs game. They won in a shoot out! Yay.
And we laughed; sometimes directly at the Leafs themselves (it felt like a deja vu from the evening before while watching the Leafs game with some other friends of ours).
But still, through all those wonderful moments of joy last night, as the evening wore on, my emotional exhaustion got the best of me once again and all those wonderful moments of joy quickly spiralled down the rabbit hole into a very dark place; causing an unbearable flare-up throughout my entire body.
And then, while holding back tears, the negative self-talk in my head got real ugly; really, really fast.
Yup, depression and anxiety can steal those moments of joy from right under you without a moment’s notice.
I kept repeating over and over again to myself; I can’t do “this”, I just want to die. I tried telling the monsters in my head to STOP it but they just got louder and louder.
I leaned into God for comfort.
“This” right now for me relates to the accumulation of stress and overwhelm I’m experiencing from both my personal and work lives (today is my official 3 month anniversary, yay). I feel trapped, I feel powerless and everything feels like it’s beyond my control.
Everyone experiences emotional exhaustion in different ways. For me it’s a lack of motivation, irritability, physical fatigue, hopelessness, feeling stuck, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, brain fog, anger and an impending sense of dread or doom; making my symptoms of anxiety and depression work overtime.
“This” is becoming all too consuming for me. I just keep reminding myself though that, I’ve got ‘this’.
*Thank you to one of my many supporters who sent me this quote yesterday (see pic attached). I will hold these words close to my ❤️.
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