My Friday the 13th

Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of Suicide 

I was hoping I’d wake up this morning and had only dreamt that last night really happened, but it did happen and it caused chaos and panic to erupt for my family; well in reality I caused the chaos and panic to erupt last night for my family. Ok let me try and rephrase this one more time; in all reality my Depression caused the chaos and panic to erupt last night for my family and it nearly won this time. It came very close. 

I could easily blame what happened last night on it being Friday the 13th yesterday cause I’d felt really off all day, like everything was so far out of my control, even while I sat at work, too busy to catch my breath. I was ready to explode but like anyone who suffers with depression knows, I wore my fake mask and smiled until the workday finally ended around 4:30 pm, at which point I left and got into my car; but I didn’t go home. I went completely MIA instead; for many, many hours. 

Notes were prepared, apologies for being such a burden and failure to my family were sent and a plan was put into place; at which point Rich needed to call the police and I needed to shut off my phone. I have PTSD from my encounters before. 

I did make my way home where Rich came outside to greet me. He had been on the phone with a police officer (not 911) at that very moment, giving them my license number and other information you would give for a missing person, a vulnerable missing person in my case. They were about to send out a team to look for me when I arrived home. I pleaded he hang up. He told them I just returned home and he listened to me by telling them not to come but before he hung up he promised the dispatcher that he’d call them right back if he needed them to send out a crisis team. 

I continued to sit alone in my driveway for another couple of hours though, refusing to go inside and hoping that maybe I’d eventually freeze to death instead. By this time I did allow a friend of mine, a beautiful soul with the most generous heart (who happens to also be a therapist), sit with me on the phone, reminding me of my worth and that my depression was speaking so many untruths. It was no longer Friday the 13th by the time we finished texting and eventually, with a pounding headache, an empty stomach and no more tears left in me, I went inside. The house was quiet. I took a Tylenol (I’m not gonna lie, I thought about taking more), had a “midnight” snack and crawled into bed. 

Again this post is not meant to garnish sympathy, I just need to continue telling my story and letting others who may be in the midst of their own mental health crisis today or maybe tomorrow know that they don’t have to go through it alone. You are not alone. Ever. 

I’m going to try and focus on self-care and healing today which will include Rich and I attending a party that a friend is hosting later this evening where laughter and cake will hopefully be the only medicine I need.

P.S. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow…  

#crisis #toomuch #mia #youarenotalone #untruths #depression #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #police #family #yourmentalhealthmatters #youmatter #fridaythethirteenth #healing #selfcare #selflove #selfworth #youareenough 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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