Every year for 8 years now whenever April 4th rolls around I find myself reliving the series of events from that day back in 2014 and visualizing it piece by piece in my mind as though it was yesterday. It was the day my journey first began; the day my life as I once knew it changed forever.
I would’ve never imagined though, not even for a second that 8 years later I’d still be here fighting to get my life back.
I have a lot of anger in me. I internalize my negative thoughts and call myself all kinds of nasty names because of my overly critical inner voice. For way too long I have placed all the blame and guilt on myself for the events that led up to April 4th, 2014 instead of turning that blame and guilt outward on the people who let me down that day.
Anger pointed inward is a very common emotion to have for a person who is battling Depression. Some days I’m angry at the entire world, some days I’m angry at events and people from my past and some days I’m just plain and simply angry at myself. These types of anger can be difficult to control, making you feel powerless. It can be really hard to move past feelings of shame and guilt which in turn only worsens the severity of your symptoms or prolongs one’s depression; and in many instances it will likely affect some of your relationships as well.
By focusing my attention solely on my emotions over the last many years with the help of my amazing therapist and now with the added benefits of the Psilocybin trial on its way which offers up an integration based therapy approach I am no longer trying to fight for who I was before April 4th, 2014. I am instead learning how to let go of the many past traumas and guilt ridden experiences from my childhood and adult life that seemingly led me to my breaking point on April 4th, 2014. I don’t want to fight anymore to get my life back to where it once was because it serves no purpose. Every day I’m learning new ways to accept and leave that part of me behind with the tools I’ve been given in order to help me release my inward anger into the wild, along with the weight of my shame and guilt laid upon my shoulders which has simply become too heavy to carry anymore. Holding it inside of me for so long has kept me from attaining any sense of self-compassion or kindness toward myself; something I know in my heart that I am deserving of; we all are.
I also know that in order for me to be able to achieve any of these goals or feel at peace I must first learn to love and accept myself. It’s a daily struggle and there are still so many broken fragments and disconnected pieces of me that need to heal with time but I am very grateful that no matter what, my “four quarters” (see pic) somehow always have a way of making me feel whole.
**For those of you who have never read the events that took place on April 4th, 2014 I have attached a blog I wrote a few years ago which details that infamous day and my eventual realization of where my healing needed to begin.
#feelingwhole #fragmentedpieces #eightyears #therapy #psilocybintrial #lettinggo #angerinward #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #blame #shame #guilt #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #myfourquarters #selfcompassion #kindness #peace #agentlereminder #youarenotalone #youareenough