Dec 9, 2019

Two years ago today I achieved a goal I never could have dreamed possible. I had been invited to sit on a panel of a National Television Morning Talk Show; Global TV’s “The Morning Show” during their Parenting Playbook session to discuss my recently published children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” and the importance of opening up conversations with children about a parent’s Depression. 

It was both terrifying and exciting. 

I did it!

But I fell apart right after. I’d been working non-stop for several months leading up to that day by trying to get my book into as many hands as possible including parents, caregivers, teachers, mental health advocates and Healthcare professionals caring for individuals who are dealing with mental health struggles. 

My book was receiving lots of attention both locally and Nationally and I still had many more wonderful upcoming projects and events to look forward to but I was overwhelmed and so I decided after the show was over that I needed to take a break, just until the new year which was only a few weeks away anyways. 

Little did I know what lay ahead and how much was about to go wrong, beginning just one day into that new year. The year 2020.

(My apologies in advance if I’m repeating myself to many of you who are reading this but I just wanted to catch up any newcomers to my page as well. So here goes). 

By January 2nd of 2020 I found myself in bed with a concussion for the better part of the month after a fainting episode that seemed to have been brought on by an early morning panic attack. By March (as you all know) we were in the throes of a Pandemic that led to many of my upcoming events (some of which I’d already had to reschedule while healing from my concussion) being switched to Zoom, postponed or cancelled all together (especially school and community ones) and then without even an ounce of warning that July I discovered, just by some dumb luck, that my publisher had closed his doors after 35 years in the business, literally disappearing into thin air and taking with him my inventory for my Amazon account (which I had to shut down immediately) along with a large sum of Grant money that I had so humbly received from a very prominent Mental Health Foundation before publication.

I was crushed and felt completely defeated. The thought of having to start over and republish my book was just too much. I stopped caring for a while and felt like what’s the point? 

Although I have yet to afford the ability to republish my book I was fortunate enough however that the publisher had sent me 100’s of copies of my book (from MY Grant money) when it was first published which has allowed me to continue to spread my message to many until such time when I can republish it; unfortunately though it’s been on a much smaller scale as I am now the only point of contact.

That crushing feeling and agonizing sense of defeat has continued to follow me now for the better part of eighteen months. With one obstacle after another I’ve found it extremely difficult to tackle my growing list of any new or potential leads (shout out to Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber; two of my favourite mental health advocates!).

Today however as I look back on that day two years ago and remember it fondly, I’m reminding myself how proud I was of my accomplishment on that day and how much meaning my book has brought to so many individuals and their families. It’s given me some strength as well to begin to try and tackle some of the many avenues I still have yet to explore. I also need to keep reminding myself of how hard I worked to finish writing my book, including the many hours spent working with my amazing illustrator and the determination it took to ensure it made an impact on the lives of others as well.

As I slowly begin to read through my list again tonight I will not be focusing my attention on the end goal but instead I need to look more closely at the small, yet very significant steps taken in order for me to get there.

#twoyearsago #smallgoals #smallish #globaltv #parentingplaybook #themorningshow #childrensbook #author #blogger #writer #mentalhealthadvocate #accomplishments #todolist #youarenotalone #youareenough #strength #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #throwbackthursday

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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