In A Dark Place; Unleashing Pandora’s Box


*Very Sensitive Content*

I have been suffering with depression for well over 4 years now and it’s a daily battle of self-hate.  Some days are easier than others and even some weeks too but when I am in the throes of a major episode I sometimes don’t even know how to explain it to others, I sometimes can’t explain it to others and many times I fear having to explain it to others; it’s exhausting.

As I have mentioned recently, I’ve been in the throes of a major episode for close to a month now but how can I truly explain what I am feeling or thinking when there are no words to describe it.  Well to be honest there are actually many words to describe what I am feeling and thinking but when I say them out loud it’s as though I have just opened up Pandora’s Box and all of the evil interpretations that come along with it.

Opening Pandora’s Box means that I am unleashing my demons into the world that surrounds me and allowing the relationships I cherish the most to have to endure my pain and desperation too, which is the last thing I ever want to do.  Along with them having to endure my pain and desperation I am also burdening them with my despair and hopelessness which for me may only further aggravate the situation.

As I said before, it’s exhausting having to explain my feelings and thoughts to others even when I know they are listening to me from a place of love but when my days or weeks become too dark my explanations become too dark and scary as well.  Should I tell you that I’m just tired or that I’m tired because my sleep is disrupted by inconceivable emotions and fears? Should I tell you that I feel like crap and that I have terrible pains throughout my body from my restless and disruptive illness?  Should I tell you that my illness has worn me down to nothing and that I am done fighting, that I don’t have the strength to go on anymore because that is the only way for me to truly explain my darkest days.

When I’m in this very dark place I feel as though my depression has won the battle, that is if there really are any winners in this situation.  While in the throes of such a major episode of depression is a very scary, lonely and isolating place to be as you are terrified of living inside of Pandora’s Box.

In the story of Pandora’s Box in Greek Mythology, Pandora receives a box on her wedding day but is warned never to open it.  Much to everyone’s dismay, Pandora’s curiosity gets the best of her and she opens the box which in turn unleashes countless troubles upon her world.   I sometimes feel like I keep opening Pandora’s Box and unleashing those same troubles too but only this time they are being unleashed on my very own surrounding world.  I know this feeling isn’t coming from a place of curiosity but instead from a place of vulnerability and pain.

If I just leave the box closed I will no longer hurt the people I love and who love me but at the same time I also see Pandora as a courageous and brave young woman because she fought against adversity by opening up that box.  She may have first created further pain, hatred, judgement and potentially death but at the same time that she was releasing her demons she found the strength to firmly slam the box shut just in time to keep “hope” inside. To me that is truly the moral of this story because after all it’s no coincidence that the one good thing stayed securely inside the box in order to help support all of her future struggles.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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