This Mother’s Day I Choose ME

This Mother’s Day I Choose ME

*Some Sensitive Content*
For all of you moms out there reading this I’m pretty sure you will all agree with me when I say that being a mom truly is the hardest role you will ever undertake in your life. It doesn’t really matter the process to which got you there, instead all that matters is what you do with that role once you have accepted it. A role that won’t begin every day at 9 am or end at 5 pm, a role that includes late nights, weekends and even holidays, and a role that will hopefully take you well beyond your retirement years.

From the moment that you first got to cradle your new born baby in your arms you acquired the role of ‘Mom’, ‘Mommy’, ‘Mama’ or whatever you so choose to be called, but with this new found role comes endless responsibility. You have now taken the solemn oath that you promise to provide them with all the basic necessities in their life in order for them to become functioning and contributing adults in society one day. These needs include feeding your child proper and nutritional meals (and whoever says chicken nuggets and Kraft macaroni and cheese aren’t proper and nutritional foods can suck it!), a safe and nurturing environment where they can feel protected from harm’s way, a place where they can learn and build character and an opportunity to explore and experiment countless possibilities through your loving guidance and support. Of course this is not a complete list as to a mom (and dad’s) role in their child’s life, as it is honestly boundless and although once they reach the age of 18 you may think the role you play in their life is done, it isn’t, it just begins to shift in a new direction.

As I already noted above, being a mom can be so hard and as we all know the role itself doesn’t come with an instruction manual like a brand new car or a toaster oven do. We just have to wing it and hope that we do the best job we can with the resources provided to us. We will all make some mistakes along the way and that’s okay, it’s all part of the learning process. When I look back at my role as ‘mom’ prior to April 2014, I feel like I was meeting and even sometimes exceeding the expectations of my role (well maybe not in the cooking department), but then as you know that all changed in what seemed to be in the blink of an eye.

Since becoming ill, my role as a mom has transformed drastically. As difficult a task as parenting is when you feel great, it is downright impossible when you can’t even take care of your own basic needs let alone those of three innocent children. My kids weren’t babies when I became ill, nor were they toddlers anymore, in fact they were already in the onset of teenage-hood which as many of you know comes with its own set of agonizing challenges, and there have been plenty.

For the past four years I have sat along the sidelines for many of life’s precious moments filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt, an overwhelming sense of failure and an overwhelming sense that I am nothing more than a burden to my children (and husband’s) lives. I have been trying hopelessly to work through these tormenting thoughts and feelings with some much needed guidance, helping to redirect my focus and see life through the eyes of a child, that is, a child who still wants to call me mom.

It is fair to say that I love my kids more than life itself and I treasure more than anything the rare occasions we get to spend together, just the five of us, and by that I don’t mean sitting down to dinner for ten minutes while everyone is busy on their phones or someone is yelling about who stole whose clothes that day. I know as each year passes these rare occasions become less and less conventional, but right now I need them more than ever. It brings with it a sense of peace knowing that my role as their mom may not yet have been completely downsized or outsourced which is why for Mother’s Day this year I have chosen me.

To be perfectly honest though I was pretty scared at first as this whole ‘I Choose Me’ mantra that has been persistently drilled into my head over the past few months (and helped me come to some very crucial resolutions and set some much needed healthy boundaries) is an extremely difficult concept for me to grasp but my therapist insisted upon it this time (and who am I to argue with the experts). Then the more I processed it, the more I began to see a whole new perspective on Mother’s Day. You see, for the almost 20 years I’ve been playing the role of mom, Mother’s Day has never once been about me or about how I want to celebrate my day, or even with whom, most years I’ve never even chosen a meal I want to eat so this year I am doing just that and more. Some people may feel the need to judge me or think I’m selfish (they too can suck it!) while those who truly understand my struggles may applaud me, but either way, it will be my day spent treasuring one of those rare occasions together, just the five of us, far away from these imprisoning walls. We have an entire day AND night of adventures planned and memories to be made which I will share with you upon our return home. Happy Mother’s Day!

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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