When One Door Opens

When One Door Opens

(Please read to the end)

Alexander Graham Bell once said that ‘when one door closes, another opens’.  Being the self-proclaimed pessimist that I have become it’s really difficult for me to see the true gift or message behind this overly optimistic quote.  It actually goes on to say: ‘but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.’ To me this quote signifies missed opportunities, failure and loss, whereas a more optimistic person may see the opportunity for growth, development and success.

When suffering with depression and anxiety I have said many times before that it feels like I’m playing a game of Tug of War with my brain.  When I am feeling anxious or having a panic attack I am anticipating future events which causes me to lose control, whereas my depression takes me deep into my past where nothing seems to make sense at all.  It’s as though my mind is split in two, one side is filled with constant worry about every aspect of my life and the other side is just too damn exhausted or worn down to care, both leaving me incessantly feeling like I will never find that open door.

Sometimes in life there are events or circumstances that are beyond our control especially when it comes to the weather, getting old, a natural disaster or even the way others may treat us.  Sometimes life is just simply not fair and sometimes it can be just downright cruel. Knowing that some things in our lives may be out of our control or near impossible to change can often lead to unwarranted feelings of disappointment, sadness or anger whether or not they were expected or if they came out of the blue, even the most positive ones.

Not all plans in life work out, at some point in our lives we will all experience a death of a loved one, a loss of relationships or failure of some kind, many of which can lead a person into the pathway of depression and anxiety.  Throughout my journey my role as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend has significantly changed, my beliefs have significantly changed , my goals have significantly changed and my needs have most definitely changed. I see the world a lot differently than I once did, one which is now controlled through negative self-talk, hopelessness and worthlessness, so much so that when I do experience a wholesome, healthy change in my life, an adjustment or assimilation period is needed more than ever.

Change, although inevitable, has been something that has intensely impacted my state of mind (even when it comes to good changes) since I began suffering with depression and anxiety.  There have been countless changes in my life over the past four years, many of which I have not shared with you, but good or bad they can all trigger feelings of uneasiness and distress now.  Even if certain events or circumstances that may occur in our lives are not defined by someone else as devastating they can still be extremely taxing on others and should always be measured equally.

The start of this week actually began with one of the most wholesome, healthy changes I have been longing for, a change which will affect our entire family dynamic. A change that will rejuvenate, recharge and refresh our inner core.  For those of you who were unaware, my husband lost his job 15.5 months ago after working for the same company for close to twenty years, and since then he has been on an exhausting and endless search for a new one, which finally came to an end on Monday afternoon.  An end that now signifies a new beginning, a notable amount of change and an open door.

As I stated earlier change is a very burdensome undertaking for me no matter how great or important it may be, it is still scary and unknown.  When my husband first walked through the door 15 months ago with his shocking and unimaginable news our lives immediately began to unravel further, and many difficult changes followed.  Change is unavoidable when someone loses their job and the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and sometimes even years. You will inescapably begin to lose part of your identity, your daily routine, your self-confidence & self-esteem and your overall sense of security, which is pretty much how things unfolded around here.

Now that this next chapter is about to begin for us, and a promising second act gets underway, I am at a crossroads which is pulling me in opposite directions, one of which is resisting many of the new changes which lie ahead.  But I will take this opportunity as I breathe the first real sigh of relief that I have been able to do in a very long time and walk hand in hand together through this open door embracing each other as we see what’s waiting for us on the other side.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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