I hope you can tell from the picture (it’s a glass frame so you may have to zoom in to get the full effect) that the central focus inside the frame is a semicolon with positive affirmations encompassing it. The semicolon has been a huge part of my story for several years now and I have shown my support to the Project Semicolon Movement for close to 4 years now. For those of you who don’t know, Project Semicolon is a “nonprofit organization known for its advocacy of mental health wellness and its focus as an anti-suicide initiative. Founded in 2013, the movement’s aim is presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression,suicide, addiction, and self-injury. They are known for encouraging people to tattoo the punctuation mark semicolon (;) as a form of solidarity between people dealing with mental illness or the death of someone from suicide”, which is what I did in July 2016 (see photo).
I’ve been struggling a lot over the past week and I figured I could use some inspiration today so I made it a “crafty” kind of day. It’s ok to not be ok, it’s ok to talk about the hard days and it’s more than ok to tell someone you’re struggling because we all deserve to feel hope, we all deserve to feel worthy and we all deserve to feel like our story isn’t over yet;
My tattoo on my left shoulder
You see, a semicolon is not just any ole punctuation mark that an author would use to end a sentence, it instead indicates a brief pause, and for me that brief pause is a symbol of my life and the need to catch my breath in order to continue the rest of my story. We are all authors to our own stories and it’s ok if you need to take a pause between sentences.
The other night I cracked open a can of diet coke from the fridge. It had been well over a week since I’d even had the urge to do so and I actually felt the back of my throat start to burn as I drank it. Just 2 short months ago I literally drank diet coke for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a midnight snack; I mean if I could have taken it intravenously I would have but now thanks to the delicious cup of hot cocoa (which also comes in coffee) I’ve been drinking every morning for almost 2 months my craving, my desire, my need, my want for diet coke is completely gone. I’m even starting to believe that this magic cup of hot chocolate may be the reason that I wanted to quit smoking too! Can you imagine how the back of my throat would feel today inhaling a cigarette, 21 days smoke-free!
Today I’m having a particularly hard day. I can’t say that there’s been one thing in particular that has made the start of the new week so hard for me but often when someone is suffering with Depression and Anxiety there doesn’t have to be a good reason, it just is. I probably experienced every negative emotion known to mankind before noon-time today and cried at least three times before then as well.
I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it past noon today with so many overwhelmingly negative and unwanted thoughts going on inside my head causing me a great amount of fear, guilt, anger and sadness to erupt all at once so I sure as hell was grateful that I had an appointment already scheduled to see my therapist this afternoon.
Over the course of my illness there has been one constant in my journey and that is therapy. It has not always been good therapy and some of it has left me shaking my head in shock and anger and some has just been downright awful but through a lot of trial and error I finally found the perfect balance for me a couple of years ago and my lifesaver. I’m not ashamed to tell people I go to therapy (well that’s probably quite obvious by now seeing as I divulge every intimate thought and feeling to you!) and it makes me feel sad when some people are reluctant to see a Therapist or make excuses as to why they can’t see one because whether it’s going to see a Therapist, a Counsellor, a Life Coach, a Social Worker, a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist when you are feeling overwhelmed or sad should be just as normal as going to see your Doctor when you have the flu!
I know that therapy can be very expensive if not covered by OHIP (in Canada) or an insurance plan (if you even have one) and we all know that there can be long wait lists for OHIP covered Therapists and Doctors however there are still plenty of places to start if you need help right away including Distress and Crisis Helplines and Hospital ER’s. I have found myself in many Emergency Rooms, too many times now that I’ve stopped counting, but during several of those visits I have been given access to free community-based group and individual programs and sometimes I was also placed in one on one care with a Counsellor who work with outpatients.
It’s not always easy to talk to a loved one or confidant about what you are feeling and very often when a situation is bigger than you then you may need an outsider to listen to you who can advise you from a non-judgmental place and with an unbiased perspective. A therapist et al can help to validate your experience and not make you and your problems feel unworthy while being in a safe place to process your thoughts. They will give you different tools for working through difficult situations, allowing room for your personal growth, teach you coping skills, give you insight and model for you what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships should be and sometimes just being able to say things out loud can help you understand your thoughts and feelings in a whole new way.
Until 5 years and 10 months ago I had never been to a Therapist; I never felt that I needed to but now I look at therapy or life-coaching from a totally different lens and I truly believe that at some point or another in every person’s life that seeking the guidance of a professional for a little extra emotional support could really help keep us balanced. We all go through ups and downs in our lifetime and we could all use some tweaking from time to time and there ain’t no shame in that! Oh and by the way, no matter how hard today has been for me I did not smoke!!
If you or someone you know needs immediate help start here or go to your closest emergency room:
This piece I wrote 4 years ago (link below) is still one of my favorite and most meaningful pieces I’ve ever written (before I started my blog). It showed up yesterday in my memory wall on Facebook and I felt like sharing it again with you.
Being a hockey (goalie) mom has been one of the greatest titles I’ve ever held. It’s been a few years since I’ve actually seen Jacob play as he’s now in an adult league and it seems shunned upon to have your mommy in the stands cheering you on (especially a neurotic goalie’s mom!) but at least I have the most amazing memories to hold on to. I rarely ever missed a game even during his last few years, I was there to cheer him on; nothing would keep me out of the stands (or behind the glass), not even when I was on a day or weekend pass from a hospital stay!
January is behind me now and all I can say about that is good riddance to you and don’t let the cold air hit you in the face on the way out. I had big intentions for January which included great forethought and planning after purposely taking some much needed downtime for myself for much of December. Yes January, you really let me down big time but you also taught me a thing or two about myself as well.
I spent the month resting and for the better part of it I needed to do so in order to recuperate from my concussion but at the same time I got quite comfortable doing so, possibly too comfortable. As someone who battles with depression everyday, it’s not ideal to want to be in bed all day and night, even if you may need to. I have to say though that one thing that helped me survive the month of January was believe it or not, Social Media.
I’m not afraid to admit it but I love Facebook and I’m not gonna apologize for it either, nor do I have any intentions to use it less, in fact I need to use it even more… intentionally. Facebook and other forms of Social Media have become a place for me to express myself, engage in meaningful conversations, inspire and be inspired, motivate and be motivated and a place where I have created many genuine and intentional friendships as well.
Social Media has allowed me to speak my truth, help others speak their truth and when I need a little extra emotional support I know that my online community is always there for me. Trust me I have lots of emotional support from my “real” friends and family too but just knowing how many people I have cheering me on from the sidelines is a true blessing.
Since starting my blog and publishing my book I’ve needed Social Media more than ever and I have learned how to navigate it with the greatest intent of continuing to keep building a bigger and better platform to ensure my message is heard and heard loudly. I’m having a hard time getting back on track and just so overwhelmed right now but hopefully February has much better intentions for me! At least there is one thing I know for sure that February has in store, only 47 more days until Spring!
Yesterday’s Bell Let’s Talk initiative raised over 7.5 million dollars all because of you! Bell’s initiative is considered to be the largest mental health movement in the entire world (#proudcanadian) and even saw the likes of @ellendegeneres tweeting out #BellLetsTalk hashtags!
Since its conception 10 years ago there has been a definite step in the right direction as to how we talk about mental illness and Bell’s generous initiative and donations year after year are helping to make a difference in the lives of so many communities even if some choose to not believe it. I mean can you tell me what other big corporations do you know of that are dedicated to donating that much money to help support research, development and mental health across Canada?
And for me yesterday while reading so many heartfelt stories on social media by people opening up about their own personal struggles with mental illness was the icing on the cake. For some it was their very first time (that takes a whole lot of courage, trust me I know!)and it also brings us one step closer to ending the stigma. Having the courage to share your struggles openly, honesty and with vulnerability may just be the key that unlocks someone else’s ability to start their own conversation and find the strength to ask for help. So please, let’s keep the conversation going every single day and if you ever need someone to talk to day or night I am always here to listen, without judgment!
Today is #BellLetsTalkDay. I can’t believe it’s already in its 10th year. Bell’s main initiative each year is to raise awareness and combat the stigma surrounding mental illness. During #BellLetsTalkDay, Bell Media donates 5¢ (in Canada) for every text, call, tweet, social media video view and use of their Facebook frame or Snapchat filter.
Their campaign initiative this year is “when it comes to mental health every action counts” so please take a few minutes today and do your part to help raise awareness to end the stigma, be present for someone who needs it, start an important conversation, check on a loved one, be kind to yourself and don’t forget to text, call, tweet #BellLetsTalk, watch their social media video and view and use their Facebook frame or Snapchat filter.
**Over the last several years there has been a lot of controversy surrounding #BellLetsTalkDay as many people feel that it’s just an excuse for a big money hungry Corporation to use their initiative as nothing more than one giant advertising campaign. Well I say kudos to them for stepping up (it’s not like our Government is helping matters) because I’m more than happy to support a Corporation that is doing their part to raise awareness, educate others, start important conversations and create positive change all the while donating millions of dollars to research, development and organizations in need of funds to help support mental health. Start the conversation today and help make it a better tomorrow!https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/results-impact/#funds #BellLetsTalk #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #choosekindness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #everyactioncounts #wheredidmommyssmilego #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
I thought I’d share a blog I wrote 1 year ago today on the 7th Anniversary since Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah. Now 8 years later it is still one of the greatest days of my life. Today is also the 3rd Anniversary since I began sharing my story with all of you, the day I decided to reach outside my comfort zone in order to help others to understand the many faces of depression and anxiety and to help end the stigma together. Since that day 3 years ago, sharing my journey has allowed me to stop my fear of judgment in its tracks and squash many of the misconceptions surrounding mental illness as well. I have also learned so much about myself and have grown in ways I never thought possible.
Yesterday was a good reminder for all of us just how fragile life truly is and that we should never take it for granted. Yesterday was also a reminder that no-one on this earth is invincible and that tomorrow is never promised. Today as the world mourns the loss of Kobe Bryant, his beautiful daughter Gianna and their seven friends that perished alongside them we must remember that Kobe was so much more than a basketball hero; he was a son, a husband, a father, a humanitarian and a legend. One of his many mantras that he lived life by was “live today to inspire tomorrow” and boy did he ever live up to this in so many ways for so many people.
When I heard the news of Kobe’s passing through a text message from our son I was at, of all places, a Shiva for a friend’s father who had recently passed away at the ripe ‘ole age of 93. For those of you who may not know what a Shiva is, it is a week-long mourning period in the Jewish faith which begins immediately following the burial. A Shiva allows for a parent, a sibling, a spouse and/or a child of the deceased to accept visitors during this period of mourning to give their condolences and to provide comfort to the mourners.
As the news began to spread feverishly around the world many people looked to find their own ways to comfort one another and find meaning from this tragic loss of life. And in that very moment, as I was surrounded by a room full of mourners I found comfort and meaning in one of Kobe’s many life messages as I suddenly found myself face to face with a grievance from my past by someone who had wronged me many years ago and who just so happened to be standing two feet in front of me! In that moment I needed to make peace in my heart because after all, tomorrow may never come. I’ve held a lot of anger and resentment toward this individual for all these years but suddenly it felt so insignificant and unworthy.
Throughout the better part of my illness I have spent a lot of time examining and re-examining past relationships including this one and I know that in order for me to move forward I need to learn how to let go of the pieces of my past that affect my wellbeing the most because life is too short and so yesterday I took another step toward finding peace in my heart after our brief but purposeful encounter! #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #kindness #lifestooshort #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #purpose #letitgo Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
So I’ve made it 12 days now without smoking a cigarette. The first week was pretty easy compared to the days that have followed. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time but clearly I was wrong. Maybe it’s because during that first week I was much less mobile still due to my concussion and once I started to feel better I began to miss it more?
That first day I quit smoking it wasn’t a rash decision, it was something I had been thinking about for quite awhile, well probably for years but that day I finally felt ready. I hadn’t discussed my decision with anyone, not even Rich because I didn’t want to disappoint him if I didn’t follow through with it but once I smoked that last cigarette in my pack and did not attempt to purchase a new pack I felt like the only way I was going to make it through day one was by holding myself accountable.
Holding yourself accountable for something is more than just taking responsibility for your actions but in the long run it’s more about being able to answer to those actions. That is why I didn’t just send Rich a quick text message that morning while he was at work letting him know the good news, I also took to Facebook, WordPress, Instagram and Twitter to let everyone else know too!
If I didn’t tell anyone my plan to quit smoking that day then I’d have had no accountability for my actions, I’d have had no one to disappoint if I didn’t follow through with my actions and I’d have had no real incentive for my actions. By telling you my plan to quit smoking that day has helped make the process and my progress much more meaningful knowing just how invested so many of you are in helping me achieve my goals successfully. I’m glad I have so many of you in my life to help motivate me and always keep me accountable. #accountability #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #selfcare #ichooseme #concussion #quitsmoking #daytwelve
YouAreEnough 
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