Tag: helplessness

Que Sera Sera

As the new year quickly approaches I’m not gonna lie to you and say that I have very high hopes or any sort of expectations for the year ahead and if I’m to be completely honest here, I’ve felt like I’ve been walking on eggshells as the previous six new years approached too, so why set myself up for any further disappointment. 

Around this time every year since my illness began in 2014 I have received countless, well intentioned end of year messages of hope and healing from friends, loved ones and acquaintances alike, all of whom confidently assure me that this next year things will be better for me or promise me that this is going to be my year!! 

And I do sincerely appreciate each and every one of these messages (I really do!) because I know that they are all coming from a place of love and a kind heart but my track record thus far has been 0 in 6 and so when the end of each year nears and I reflect back on these words of hope and healing I can’t help but feel in a sense like I’ve let everyone around me down, AGAIN.

In all fairness though, this year has fucking sucked for all of us. It hasn’t been a very promising year for most of us and instead it was met with tremendous loss, uncertainty and immense tragedy for many more. 

2020 has taken a lot out of us all and who could have ever imagined what was to come as the clock struck midnight on January 1st and we kissed and hugged our loved ones and sent messages of hope and healing for a better year than last.

I do want more than anything for 2021 to be my year, I truly want it to be a better year for me (I mean who wouldn’t), and for EVERYONE else too, but 2020 has broke me and it wasn’t all Covid-19’s doing. 

By the time the Coronavirus was declared a world wide Pandemic in mid March I had already spent close to a month in bed with a concussion (starting January 2nd) during which time my mom then broke her hip, needed surgery and spent 6 weeks in hospital/rehab but the icing on the cake came when Rich lost his job.

Yup, all this happened before March ever even rolled around and it’s been one big shit show ever since including several new obstacles we’ve had to face recently, just as the year is finally coming to a close.

So maybe it’s best for now that we don’t make any special promises or declarations or speculations to one another; at least not yet. Lets see how 2021 looks upon first glance, at least give it a few days to settle in, let it get comfortable, ease it in slowly and take baby steps so we don’t frighten it. Maybe if we don’t make any sudden moves or let it see us coming with our overly confident promises, declarations or speculations, maybe if we just let it do its thing, then maybe we will all be pleasantly surprised!

Thank you all once again for your continued love and support through this past year and beyond. You will never know how much your words and actions truly touch my heart.

Wishing you all a Happy, Healthy and safe New Year and oh ya, please stay home too!

#happynewyear #goodriddance2020 #queserasera #whateverwillbewillbe #walkingoneggshells #youareenough #youarenotalone #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #kindness #mentalhealth #checkonyourlovedones 

Monday Motivation: A Simplified Plan

*may be triggering at times *

I stopped making New Year’s  Resolutions a long time ago because if there is one thing I have come to learn while in the throes of my mental illness it’s that by setting big goals at the start of any new year will only further exasperate my feelings of failure and defeat.

But I’m a planner and I have always tried to fight off the need to ensure that every part of my life is organized to a tee except that when I do find myself veering off course my OCD, my Depression and my Anxiety will set me back for days on end which only leads me to those further feelings of defeat and failure.

Over the last many years the only daily planner I’ve used to organize my goals has been the calendar in my phone but those daily or sometimes hourly notifications that pop up as simple reminders or good intentions have become all too overwhelming for me and can often be quite triggering at times. 

So as the new year nears I have decided to try a different approach to help keep many of those triggers at bay.  Several times a day when I receive one of those notifications on my phone I look at it like you would a deer in your headlights and then I find myself quickly deleting it or moving it to some future date.  So for now my plan is to begin the new year off by writing down simplified goals each day and my daily intentions instead of typing them into my phone.

This I am hoping will help to alleviate my need to search for them because they will be more readily visible to me and I won’t be able to delete or move them about so easily either. I also won’t be so easily distracted by a ping on my phone that can trigger a sense of hopelessness in me and instead I can choose when I am mentally able to open up my planner for the day.

I do try and set small, simplified goals or intentions for myself each day but I’m finding myself with less and less motivation to tackle much of anything right now. 

My headspace is filled with an abundance of clutter; I’m sleeping less and less, drinking and smoking more and more and unable to complete so many of even the tiniest of intentions which is why I plan to use the brightest and most colorful markers to fill in my new daily planner and I plan to do so with the greatest of intentions. And even if some days all I can tackle from my daily planner is maybe taking a warm bubble bath then at least I will know that I did so with great intention. 

What do you use to write down your day to day plans/goals? 

With a year like no other almost behind us, how have your goals simplified and what do you hope to fill your 2021 daily planner with most?

#mondaymotivation #simplifiedplanner #dailyintentions #simplegoals #2020isalmostover #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #suicideawareness 

Burnt Toast

Today I feel like I’m toast, burnt toast to be exact. 

Some days I can pull myself together long enough to eat the damn piece of toast, some days I need to smother it with a thick layer of strawberry jam in order to cover up my pain and overwhelm, some days I try really hard to scrape away the black charcoal on my toast with a butter knife to show the world my true self and then there are days like today when all I want to do is throw away the piece of burnt toast in the waste bin because if truth be told, it feels too hopeless to even try and salvage it.

#burnttoast #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #beingreal #checkonyourlovedones #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #suicideawareness #endthestigmatogether 

THC Hangover

On Friday evening after experiencing several heightened episodes of anxiety throughout the day, I found myself right smack in the middle of a full-on panic attack. 

I did my best to try and calm myself down using some breathing techniques but trying to distract myself from what was triggering me in that moment I could barely catch my breath long enough to take some CBD oil; something I don’t hesitate to do several times a day when needed as a therapeutic. 

As soon as the CBD oil started kicking in and my heartrate began to decrease to a more tolerable level I curled up under my weighted blanket, still fully dressed from the day but I didn’t care because all I wanted to do in that moment was close my eyes and go to sleep.

But whose kidding who? Like is sleep ever an option for me? Even if my panic attack had just taken every last ounce of strength I had left inside and crushed it with my blanket, I was still preparing myself for a sleepless night ahead.

And I knew if I lay in bed much longer I would most definitely end up having another anxiety attack of some sort, so I reached for my other bottle of CBD oil on my nightstand, the one with the THC in it. 

I regretted my decision almost immediately even though it took a while for it to kick in. It did not reduce my anxiety or relax me or even help me sleep, instead I spent the rest of the night fighting off my paranoia and hallucinations and by the time morning arrived I was still feeling the effects from the THC and spent the entire day in bed yesterday with a “hangover”.

They say it’s nearly impossible to OD on cannabis but if there is even a slight chance of that happening then I’m pretty sure I managed to do so. Cannabis is supposed to give you a feeling of euphoria but like every other prescribed medication or therapeutic treatment I’ve taken along my journey, including that of Medical Marijuana, “Shrooms”, Ketamine and Edibles I’ve experienced adverse effects from them all.

By morning my Psychosis had pretty much gone away but it left me barely able to finish a sentence or swallow. I had a headache, I felt exhausted, I was beyond nauseous and dizzy and whenever I tried to stand up I felt myself passing out on the floor moments later. But not to worry because I can always count on my family to look after me, and they did just that while between fits of laughter and snapping pictures and recording videos of me to ensure they captured all the highlights. 

I have tried and tried for years now to reap the benefits from using THC and other similar treatments but I think that after what happened to me this weekend I have tried for the very last time and I am just grateful that at least my regular doses of CBD oil still helps me in some small way.

#cbdoil #thc #cannabis #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #panicattacks #anxiety #depression #suicideprevention #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mentalillness #selfcare  

NOONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS – VALUABLE LESSONS LEARNED FROM 2020

It was one year ago today when I made my very first ever appearance on a National Television Morning Talk Show. It felt like a dream come true for me, but as soon as it was all over I collapsed from mental exhaustion. 

Leading up to that day I had been working my ass off nonstop for several months ensuring that my new children’s book got into as many hands as I possibly could imagine but when the show ended and I arrived home, I felt a sense of defeat and decided that I needed to take a step back from my whirlwind tour. 

I had intended it to be a short break, just until the new year which by now was only a few weeks away and just long enough to get my mojo back but what came next noone could have ever predicted because way before the Pandemic hit in mid March my life took several other unforeseen turns. 

New Year’s Day 2020 came quickly and as I had promised myself a few weeks earlier I began organizing my calendar for some new and exciting upcoming events on my “book tour” and I also began looking at what other avenues I wanted to explore in the coming months ahead as well. But no sooner was it than 24 hours later when I found myself in bed for the better part of January with a concussion caused by numerous fainting episodes on the early morning hours of January 2nd. 

I soon became further defeated and on a downward spiral as I lay in bed feeling dizzy, exhausted and headachy, cancelling events and trying to reschedule others, most of which never ended up taking place at all because, well we all know the answer to that. 

Many more unforeseen events and unfortunate mishaps continued to unfold in my life over the course of last winter and before I knew it I had not fulfilled one promise to myself from the previous December day when I decided I needed to take that short break.

But who knew what was waiting for us just around the corner right at the exact moment I was finally ready to get back to where I had left off all those months earlier, who could have possibly known? Noone could because noone truly knows what the future holds. 

But there we all were, together, facing so much uncertainty and unknown and nowadays we spend so much of our time fearful of the “not knowing” and as someone who lives her life with a major depressive disorder and severe anxiety I’m not quite sure if the not knowing what the future holds (depression) is worse than always trying to predict it (anxiety).

My illness has caused me to look to my past with many regrets and when I look to my future it feels very purposeless and uncertain. But I know I’m not alone in my feelings of an uncertain future especially after what we and the rest of the world have been living through for the last nine months or longer.

2020 has become the year that nobody could have ever predicted and has crippled so many people with fear and uncertainty of what their future’s hold and has also created a sense of powerlessness in so many more, even those amongst us who may have once enjoyed a lifestyle of risk taking or living unpredictable lives.

This year has sucked big time for all of us. If I hadn’t already before 2020 hit, I have for certain by now lost so much faith in the kind of hopeful future that lies in wait for me and I am pretty certain that I have felt defeated more times than I think is humanly possible this year alone but as the year quickly comes to a close I can’t help but take note of the many valuable life lessons we have (hopefully) all learned as well.

Some of my thoughts: 

Our relationships with family and friends must take precedence over all else 

We are never to busy to make time for the people and things that matter the most to us and we must stop using it as an excuse

Taking care of our health needs to be a top priority 

We CAN actually live without many of the “things” we once thought we “must” have in our lives in order to live a more fulfilling life 

Saving money for a “rainy day” is imperative 

It’s okay to take time to stop and smell the roses 

Our definition of who is an essential worker has changed. Honour and respect them all equally as they continue to tirelessly (and with very little pay for some) take great pride in and care for all of us each and every single day

We are all human beings and we all deserve to be treated as equals

Our mental health really, really matters

What else would you add to my list?

#ayearinreview #livinginuncertaintimes #nooneknowswhatthefutureholds #wheredidmommyssmilego #writer #blogger #author #advocate #lessonslearned #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth

Not Suicide. Not Today.

*May Be Triggering To Some*

CAMH (which is Canada’s leading hospital in Mental Health, Suicide Prevention and Research) has developed a new campaign that focuses on today by giving hope for a better tomorrow. 

I feel like I am knee deep in quicksand today and I find myself drawn in by this video. Hearing the words “Not Suicide. Not Today.” repeated over and over again may not seem like much to some people but for someone like myself who is struggling to breathe right now as the quicksand pushes me deeper below the surface and my thoughts of suicide keep urging me to end my life, listening to these words are serving as a gentle reminder that maybe it’s not actually my life I wish to end but just my life in this very moment instead. 

“Not Today” means not now and “when we all say ‘Not Today’ together, it’s easier to say it when we’re alone.”

I’ve attached the video below for anyone else who may need to hear these words today too 🤗❤

Thank you for always supporting my journey and reminding me “Not Today”.

#notsuicidenottoday #motivationmonday #wheredidmommyssmilego #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #checkonyourlovedones #endthestigmatogether #camh #mentalhealthishealth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #suicideprevention #suicideawareness 

Sleep Is Beyond Overrated

Yesterday I was feeling a bit under the weather and BEYOND exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep but as physically exhausted as I felt all day I knew that as soon as I were to get into bed that all bets would be off. So I decided to take something to help me fall asleep because I needed to sleep BEYOND badly. 

I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills in the past but like all other medications I’ve tried they really never worked properly and within days I would build up a tolerance to them anyways. This did eventually lead me to start abusing some of my prescribed meds, taking upwards of 8 to 10 pills a day, just so I could feel numb and maybe get a few solid hours of sleep at night.  

Well that didn’t end well at all on so many levels and once it was discovered that I had been stashing away certain medications in my home Rich began having to hide all my prescriptions and distributing them to me every day and I guess it’s a good thing that I have also since been flagged from being prescribed certain medications all together unless under proper supervision.

But that’s okay because they never really helped much anyways and so nowadays when I do take something for sleep I go for more of a natural remedy instead. I fight with myself to take anything most nights because truthfully they don’t really help much either.  

It’s almost 4 am as I am writing this and I should be fast asleep since I was so BEYOND physically exhausted yesterday and I did take a sleep aid before I got into bed but my case in point, sleep remedies don’t work for me.

Ok maybe I’m lying a bit because after taking something to help me fall asleep last night I did in fact fall asleep within an hour of taking it and I got a solid 1 hour of sleep!!! 1 whole glorious hour of sleep! And then I woke up and have been up since before 11 pm, which is about the same time most of you reading this were just about to doze off to dreamland for the night! 

I’m starting to think that sleep is kinda, sorta beyond overrated anyways? 😢😢😢

#sleeplessnights #beyondexhausted #insomnia #youareenough #youarenotalone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #suicidalthoughts #sleepingpills #cbdoil #mentalexhaustion #physicalexhaustion

Puzzled

I finally finished this puzzle tonight. I’m pretty sure it was the most challenging puzzle I’ve ever done in my whole life.

My girls had so thoughtfully bought me this puzzle a couple of weeks ago knowing just how much I enjoy doing them and it’d been a while since I’d done one but then almost immediately upon opening up the box I became quite overwhelmed by it.

Normally I have no problem organizing the pieces of any size puzzle and then I excitedly like to get started right away but this time around I became easily frustrated right from the very beginning. 

Puzzles usually take me at most a few days to complete but suddenly this time around I also found myself adding additional anxiety to my day everytime I looked at it and began pressuring myself to get it done RIGHT NOW, or else.

I’m not really sure why I always put so much undue pressure on myself for just about every single “piece” of my life, it really is quite “puzzling” to say the very least but in any case I was determined to complete the darn thing no matter what it took or even how long it did because I knew how rewarding it would feel by doing so.

#puzzled #youareenough #gingerbreadhouses #candycanes #goals #perseverancepaysoff

Monday Motivation

“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval”.

I read this quote somewhere recently (author unknown) and it really resonated with me. At one time or another in our lives we may feel an undying need to seek the approval of others.

What happens next is that we begin to lose ourselves in the process and even though my illness may sometimes leave me yearning for the acceptance of others, I have learned that as I slowly began to take off my mask and courageously show the world my true authentic self I have become more and more able to walk away from relationships that caste judgement on me or who don’t wish to understand me, affording me more room to open my heart up for the people who inspire me everyday to become a better version of myself instead; All the good, the bad, the flawed and even the broken parts.

Leave a ❤ in the comments if this resonates with you too.

#mondaymotivation #authenticity #approval #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #masksoff #healthyboundaries #healingjourney

Words of Encouragement

Waking up to this beautiful note this morning on Facebook messenger is a very illuminating reminder to me as to why I continue to write about and share my story with you.

Every time I receive personal messages like this one from friends (new or old), acquaintances and even strangers alike it gives me the strength and courage to keep doing what I do in order to help end the stigma and it further validates for me just how important it is to be completely honest with yourself about your own struggles and to be as open as possible with others as well.

I’ve said it many, many, many times before but if sharing my story as openly and honestly as I can will help make a difference in someone else’s life, will impact someone else’s journey in a positive light or will start a difficult conversation with a loved one then I will continue to do so.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Laurie for taking the time to reach out to me today, it truly meant so much.

I can still so clearly remember the day you trusted in me and shared with such raw emotions the story of your brother’s suicide and even though it was only about 13 years ago it wasn’t a conversation I had ever had before with anyone.

Society and stigma have come a long way since you lost your beautiful brother 18 years ago but there is still so much work to be done and I truly appreciate your kindness and support and wanted to share your words in hopes that someone else reading this today will find their inner strength to keep the conversation going.

#youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #endthestigmatogether #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #advocate #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #suicideprevention