Tag: failure

The Anniversary Effect

Today marks six years since my whole world began to crumble and as each Anniversary comes around the pain and sadness from that fateful day, April 4, 2014 still feels like a knife is being slowly twisted deeper into my heart. I can recall the events of that day as though they were yesterday and I shared them all with you in a blog titled “April 4, 2014: It’s Been Five Long Years”, exactly one year ago today.

As each Anniversary approaches I feel that initial sense of pain and sadness all over again and I begin to site the “would’ves”, the “should’ves” and the “could’ves” one by one over and over and over again in order to figure out if somehow there would’ve, should’ve or could’ve been a different outcome, one that didn’t lead me down a path where six years later I would still be living with the daily pain and sadness associated with Anxiety, Depression and Suicidal Ideations. 

Anniversaries are supposed to be celebrated, right? Well not all Anniversaries feel like a celebration and whether it’s the Anniversary of a bad break-up, the Anniversary of a traumatic event in your life or the Anniversary of the death of a loved one it can easily trigger pain and sadness.  This actually has a name for it; it’s called “The Anniversary Effect” and is defined as “a unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.”

This year with the approach of my sixth year Anniversary date it’s brought with it a lot of extra intensity given the current and uncertain state of the world right now. It’s left me feeling even further trapped in my thoughts and crippled by so many emotions with an added bonus of battling headaches almost daily. I’m finding it really difficult to get out of bed, to follow any sort of routine, to be motivated and to not cry at every single fucking thing. 

I’m trying to find ways to distract myself and find something to help ease the pain and sadness I’m feeling today (Covid-19 memes seem to do the trick so feel free to pass any along). Maybe today will include trying to reflect back on the past six years at some moments that have brought me happiness or maybe by trying to find some hope in what truly feels hopeless right now or maybe by looking at the “what ifs” of tomorrow and feeling less afraid of them.

But however I choose to spend today, whether or not it’s in bed or whether or not it’s trying to follow a routine or whether or not I feel completely unmotivated or whether or not I cry at every fucking little thing I’ve also been reminded today that each Anniversary I’m still writing about definitely would, definitely should and definitely is an Anniversary to celebrate. Thanks for the reminder; I may need it again tomorrow.

Suicide During A Pandemic

*May Be Triggering*

The impact that Covid-19 has had on the world is immeasurable and unprecedented and these uncertain times have left much of the world feeling very helpless and very often hopeless. 

For 6 years now I myself have been living with daily feelings of helplessness and hopelessness but not because of Covid-19 but instead due to Depression and Anxiety and the combination of those feelings is what often leads me to having daily thoughts of Suicide, none of which has changed because of Covid-19. 

To be perfectly honest there are some days lately that those feelings are even more overwhelmingly hard to ignore and I know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling because whether or not you were suffering with Depression, Anxiety or thoughts of Suicide before Covid-19, many, many more people are suffering with one or more of these symptoms now and many, many many more will continue to suffer well after this is all over and we begin to piece our lives back together. 

There are so many reasons why so many people’s mental health and safety are sure to be impacted from the Coronavirus and so many reasons why there could be a surge in suicidal deaths in the coming months. 

Whether it’s from having to self-isolate alone, or the impact of being quarantined with family that could increase our thoughts of Suicide. Or maybe it could be due to our heightened anxiety from fear of financial struggles or a loss of a job that can lead to Depression or thoughts of Suicide. Or some of us may become super fearful of losing a loved one to Coronavirus or spend our days worrying incessantly about contracting the virus itself. 

For some of us it may be from having a change in our routine, worry that the Pandemic will never end or simply that we have less activity in our life right now and way more time for negative thinking to occur. 

I won’t go into detail about where my thoughts are at the moment and whether it’s just one factor or all of them that are affecting my mental state during the Pandemic, but I will say again and again, I know I am not alone which is why it is imperative that we keep checking up on each other regularly regardless of how strong you think someone is because they may just be the one who is suddenly feeling the most helpless or hopeless of us all.

If you or someone you know is in crisis please call: Kids Help Phone: 1 800 668-6868 or Canada Suicide Prevention: 1 833 456-4566 and as always I am hear to lend an ear.


#suicide #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #pandemic #overwhelm #helpless #hopeless #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #checkonyourstrongfriends #checkonyourlovedones 

What’s Wrong?


Ya it’s no secret that I have a severe anxiety and panic disorder and ya it’s no secret that it disrupts my life daily. I’m just not sure if you can actually imagine how badly it affects my daily life and how severely it affects those closest to me either (unless you are one of the lucky ones to have witnessed it first hand). 

I feel like I’m living in a constant war zone in my own head which only amplifies how severe my anxiety and panic have become over the last few months. I’d also be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that my illness has taken a toll on many other’s lives, some of whom I drive up a wall on a regular basis because of my severe anxiety and panic but I truly feel like I just can’t help myself. 

And guess who gets to feel the brunt of it? If you guessed anyone other than Rich you guessed wrong :). Rich, (unfortunately for him) is my lifeline and my safety net and the lucky guy who gets to hear me say “What’s wrong?” on a daily basis. That phrase probably spews off my tongue at least 25 times a day but if you were to ask Rich he’d probably tell you to double that number. 

No matter what, my head is always full of catastrophic and unwanted thoughts and whether Rich is sitting right next to me minding his own business or we are miles apart it’s become a very burdensome and knee-jerk reaction at all hours of the day and night for me. I am very much aware that it has become excessive and uncontrollable but lately it feels quite warranted!

So what has Rich done to try and minimize the disruptive and very annoying (his word!) behavior and help ease his tolerance? Well probably what any caring and supportive husband would do; he mocks me in an ever so loving way by trying to beat me to the punch by texting me cute little memes during the day that are captioned “what’s wrong?” or when he enters a room that I am already in, knowing full well that I am about to shout out “what’s wrong?” (because why else would he be entering a room if it weren’t that something was catastrophically wrong) he will often yell out those exact same words but before I am able to first and once again try and beat me to the punch in of course an oh so loving way! 

What Rich doesn’t realize is that although he finds himself quite amusing (and trying to keep his sense of humour afloat), at the same time he is actually putting my anxiety and panic at ease for a moment in time as he enters a room bearing a big smirk on his face! And although it may be in jest it is actually giving me some reassurance that nothing is wrong in that moment. 

My brain is so exhausted lately and I am sleeping less and less, I’m more overwhelmed than ever lately which leaves me in a constant fight or flight mode and I am always feeling on the edge. I keep challenging my negative thoughts and worries all day long but anxiety makes fears feel legitimate and very real.  

Yup fearing something that may or may not happen can be very disruptive and very harmful to your daily life and an annoyance to those around you but I guess I am just like a boy scout who must always “be prepared”!

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #anxiety #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #whatswrong #panicdisorder #mentalhealth #fears #itsoktonotbeok 

Taking A Leap Of Faith

Next month on April 4, 2020 it will be exactly 6 years since I have held a full-time job because it was on that fateful day in 2014 that I walked away from a very toxic and fearful situation at my place of employment and it was on that very day that my life began to unravel, and quickly.  It was on that day that I lost my will to live and I have struggled to find meaning and purpose in my life ever since. I have spent the last 6 years feeling worthless and nothing more than a burden and failure to those who love me.

My illness has taken me down many unpaved and bumpy roads along the way and I have been met with one roadblock after another but at the same time my illness has also opened up so many new and unimaginable possibilities, none of which would have ever happened if not for my illness. Because quite frankly if you were to have asked me 6 years ago if I would have started writing a blog or been able to self-publish a children’s book I’d written on any given topic, let alone, Depression, I’d have looked at you like you were the crazy one!

So I guess that in many ways my illness has helped me find some meaning and some purpose in my life after all because I do know that both my blog and my book have made an impact on many people’s lives and when I’m not too busy putting myself down with all the negative self-talk I can actually feel that impact in my heart and it feels good. It feels so good to know that I have helped make a difference in someone’s life which is why about two and a half weeks ago I decided to take a leap of faith. I certainly didn’t make the decision alone, I consulted with several confidants and loved ones first because if left up to me that same negative self-talk would have slammed the door right in my face.

I’ve mentioned many times through my writing how I feel as though I took so many wrong paths in my life and that I never pursued my passions or desires which ultimately has left me feeling like a worthless failure and a burden to my loved ones for the past 6 years.  So a couple of weeks ago when I came upon a job posting on a local Not For Profit organization’s Facebook page that I follow (and who had taken the time several months ago to post my book on their Social Media channels), it caught my eye and by the time I finished reading the posting I saw my name written all over this job. 

I mean, helping others through my own lived experience with mental illness, isn’t that what I do now?  Isn’t this the path that my illness has led me to? Isn’t this why I started writing my blog or turning a silly idea for a children’s book into reality?  Isn’t this the meaning and purpose I’ve been searching for? Well I only had 24 hours left to answer those questions and many more because by the time I saw the posting on Facebook the deadline was the following day at 5pm. But before I could even take a breath, Rich had already dusted off my resume and began helping me update it (adding children’s book Author did feel quite empowering). I had to take that leap of faith, there seemed to be no turning back after getting so much support and encouragement from loved ones, even my kids seemed excited for me.

For those of you who aren’t sure what the meaning of “leap of faith” is, it’s that if you take a leap of faith you are doing something even though you are not sure it is right or that you will succeed. Well once I hit the send button then began the endless negative self talk again, I mean it chatted up a storm for hours. How could I ever commit to a full time job? I am a failure so why would anyone ever hire me? Oh ya it got even worse, and then I put it out of my head because, well why would they even consider my application? That was until Friday afternoon when I received an email that they would like to meet me next week. I’ve got a whole list of reasons that my negative self talk has told me why I can’t do this job, but I guess now I need to come up with the one reason to prove why I can.

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #livedexperience #leapoffaith #purpose #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #blogger #advocacy #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #author #childrensbook #empowerment #selftalk #selfcare #ichooseme 

I’m Not Lazy; I’m Depressed

*Could be triggering 

I’m in a pretty real funk. It’s probably safe to say that I’ve been in a funk for the better part of six years now but to be honest for the last two months I have felt more and more like my illness is beating me as opposed to me beating it. I feel defeated from the moment I wake up and I feel very little incentive to get out of bed; and it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m depressed and my depression wears a mask just like many others who suffer.

Depression creates a vicious cycle and for anyone who has ever suffered with Depression they will totally appreciate what I am saying because I want so much to thrive, I want so much to complete a simple task without it depleting me both mentally and physically, I want so much to work, I want so much to be more independent, I want so much to feel needed, I want so much to feel like I am more than just a burden to my loved ones and I want so much to feel like my life is worth living.  

Yes Depression makes me feel all those things and keeps me from thriving and doing simple tasks. It keeps me feeling like I don’t want to do anything at all and that I need to do everything all at once and then of course I beat myself up further which clearly only makes matters worse. But much of what I do or can’t do is not by choice even if some may believe otherwise, but I am truly not lazy; now laziness, now that’s a choice!

I wish that my illness was just a passing phase of feeling unmotivated to wash a few dirty dishes in the sink or to be able to drive myself to the grocery store whenever I need to but I don’t have the ability to do many simple tasks most people take for granted.

And the vicious cycle continues because if I was just lazy and not depressed then I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling like a complete failure for not washing a few dishes, I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling guilty for not driving myself to the store to pick up a few groceries and I would not have to live each day criticizing myself for all that I can’t do instead of gently reminding myself of all the things I do and can do.

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #laziness #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #suicide #help #startaconversation #masksoff #depressionisnotachoice #checkonyourlovedones #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth