I just finished pre recording a segment for tonight’s radio show The Late Shift with Jason Agnew on 1010 talk radio. It’s been a while since I have done an interview or given a talk as so many recent and upcoming events I had scheduled were cancelled.
I know there are so many people who are suffering right now with Depression and Anxiety and that many turn to the comfort of late night talk radio. If I can help just one person listening tonight feel less afraid or less alone it will warm my heart.
If you can’t sleep tonight tune in around 3am. It’s broadcast throughout Canada.
Please continue to follow my journey at https://youareenough712.wordpress.com and do not hesitate to reach out to me if you ever need someone to listen. Xoxo
It’s Monday today which is probably the most dreaded day of the entire week but maybe we are too quick to overlook all of it’s good qualities too. Mondays may be blue or manic or even hated by many but Mondays also signify a day filled with endless possibilites, new beginnings, new adventures and a day for bringing hope. But today may not feel like a “normal” Monday for many of us.
It may no longer be in competition for the most dreaded day of the week anymore because right now every day feels like Monday and right now Mondays don’t feel much like a day filled with endless possibilities, new beginnings, new adventures or a day for bringing hope either and for many more of us this coming week may feel just like a typical dreaded Monday morning.
The week ahead for millions and millions of us should be filled with family, traditions, religious rituals, food (and lots of it), maybe a day or two off from school and work and for some of us it may even have included a visit from a furry life size bunny rabbit.
But instead of being all of that and more we are left with a feeling of emptiness, sadness, anger and frustration knowing that we will not be able to celebrate those traditions and religious rituals with family or friends this year and if you were to ask most kids and adults today where they wish they were right now I bet they’d tell you in school or at work and ya those visits from the Easter bunny and the traditional Easter Egg Hunts will be missed my many young ones around the globe.
So today probably is one of those dreaded Mondays, but well deserved this time and one which also deserves hitting the snooze button a few dozen times on and one in which many of us may need a Mental Health Check In for. And whether or not you are doing really great ❤ right now or you are having a really hard time 💙 like myself please don’t hesitate to reach out for support 💜. Put our hearts out on the line today and remember we’re all in this together.
Last night I had a meltdown of epic proportions. I knew that it being my 6 year Anniversary since the onset of my illness yesterday (See blog “The Anniversary Effect”; April 4, 2020) that it wasn’t gonna be an easy day. But I did just what any good doctor would order me to do and got out of bed (eventually), took a 2 hour walk through my neighborhood and then treated myself to a warm bubble bath when we got home.
But like clockwork everything changed without a moment’s notice and almost as soon as I stepped out of the bathtub I found myself crying over “spilt milk” again, even if most of what I was crying over wasn’t really worth getting upset about at all; but you see, the truth is, it really feels like there is plenty of spilt milk to cry over these days.
At any given moment we may find ourselves feeling sad, scared, disappointed, angry, worried, distracted, exhausted, restless, short tempered or impatient (did I cover enough adjectives?). I find that since first becoming ill my patience has become next to nil which can often stir up plenty of other emotions quickly. And now with each passing day I’m pretty sure that most of us are finding ourselves losing their patience too in some way or another or with someone or another. In other words, we are all starting to get on each other’s nerves.
It’s ok if you’re not quite ready to admit to it yet though and since there is no real guidebook for us to follow on how we should feel during a Pandemic, we all get a free pass. So with no Playbook or guidelines to follow on how we should react or be feeling right now let me reassure you that whatever the heck you are feeling is perfectly valid.
Even if you’re living with June Cleaver from “Leave It To Beaver” we are all learning together how to coexist with others on a much different level than we were before and you may be feeling very claustrophobic, frustrated, on edge and downright snappy toward one another as we test each other’s patience and deal with each other’s anxieties and ever changing moods.
It’s hard, it’s super fucking hard right now but “we’re all in this together” and the one thing that is gonna make this nightmare just a tad bit easier is ensuring that we all work together as a team, within our individual homes, and create a Playbook with your home team. (I really do miss sports)
This experience is no doubt gonna change us all and we are all going to have to make some changes in order to get through this Pandemic together and maybe a good place to start is by developing a “Playbook” for your home team and make sure it includes several “strategies” and “plays” that can help reduce some of your household stressors and anxieties.
Ask your teammates what you need from them right now and moving forward to help make this time together more successful and remember that it’s still ok to cry over spilt milk while figuring it out, but by figuring it out together hopefully we will create some stronger, more adhesive family units by the time this is all over.
So what are some things you need in your Playbook?
Today marks six years since my whole world began to crumble and as each Anniversary comes around the pain and sadness from that fateful day, April 4, 2014 still feels like a knife is being slowly twisted deeper into my heart. I can recall the events of that day as though they were yesterday and I shared them all with you in a blog titled “April 4, 2014: It’s Been Five Long Years”, exactly one year ago today.
As each Anniversary approaches I feel that initial sense of pain and sadness all over again and I begin to site the “would’ves”, the “should’ves” and the “could’ves” one by one over and over and over again in order to figure out if somehow there would’ve, should’ve or could’ve been a different outcome, one that didn’t lead me down a path where six years later I would still be living with the daily pain and sadness associated with Anxiety, Depression and Suicidal Ideations.
Anniversaries are supposed to be celebrated, right? Well not all Anniversaries feel like a celebration and whether it’s the Anniversary of a bad break-up, the Anniversary of a traumatic event in your life or the Anniversary of the death of a loved one it can easily trigger pain and sadness. This actually has a name for it; it’s called “The Anniversary Effect” and is defined as “a unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.”
This year with the approach of my sixth year Anniversary date it’s brought with it a lot of extra intensity given the current and uncertain state of the world right now. It’s left me feeling even further trapped in my thoughts and crippled by so many emotions with an added bonus of battling headaches almost daily. I’m finding it really difficult to get out of bed, to follow any sort of routine, to be motivated and to not cry at every single fucking thing.
I’m trying to find ways to distract myself and find something to help ease the pain and sadness I’m feeling today (Covid-19 memes seem to do the trick so feel free to pass any along). Maybe today will include trying to reflect back on the past six years at some moments that have brought me happiness or maybe by trying to find some hope in what truly feels hopeless right now or maybe by looking at the “what ifs” of tomorrow and feeling less afraid of them.
But however I choose to spend today, whether or not it’s in bed or whether or not it’s trying to follow a routine or whether or not I feel completely unmotivated or whether or not I cry at every fucking little thing I’ve also been reminded today that each Anniversary I’m still writing about definitely would, definitely should and definitely is an Anniversary to celebrate. Thanks for the reminder; I may need it again tomorrow.
Over the last few weeks or months, depending on where you live in this great big world you have experienced loss. Loss is an inevitable part of one’s life, but we now find ourselves having to deal with so many different types of loss all at once and as we all know, healing from loss can be the most difficult time in someone’s life.
We are all grieving from our losses right now and it will take time to heal when many of us begin to move through the grieving process. Many people have lost loved ones during this Pandemic, but loss of a loved one is not the only reason we need to grieve. Think about how much you have lost already in such a short time.
We collectively have lost our freedom to leave our homes, many have lost their jobs and financial stability, we have lost the ability to hug our loved ones or go to the park with our kids or meet a friend for coffee at Starbucks and children have lost the right to go to school and learn.
Many of our sudden and very painful losses has left the world in chaos and panic and of course in grief and with grief comes an array of emotions. Fear, sadness, irritability, anger, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, remorse, a lack of security, a lack of motivation, guilt, frustration and an overwhelming numbness just to name a few.
And just so you know, it’s more than okay to feel these emotions and many others too. It’s also okay to allow yourself to take your time when you begin your healing process and to allow yourself to feel your emotions, allow yourself to ask for help, allow yourself to take care of you and most importantly allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need.
Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve, or judge you for how you choose to grieve or for how long it takes you to heal. We will all go through the stages of grief in our own way and in our own time but no one can tell you when you should “accept” (final stage of the grieving process) your grief except you and only you.
Boy did I pick the wrong decade to quit smoking. I came very close to caving today, probably the closest I’ve come in the 2 months since quitting. My mental health has gotten the best of me. I went to the store today where I’ve been buying my cigarettes for years, the woman working behind the counter asked me how I am doing and of course the tears began flowing down my cheeks as I stood there staring right through her at the shelving of cigarettes mounted to the wall above her head. I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath and decided maybe winning the lottery was a better choice for me today instead.
Rich and I have been hit with some pretty bad blows over the last several years and this week has been no exception. I’m not gonna share right now just how bad a week it’s actually been but trust me when I tell you it’s been pretty f*@#ing bad.
When it feels like the walls are closing in around me my illness leaves me questioning everything, it leaves me unable to breathe, it leaves me overwhelmed and vulnerable, it leaves me hesitant and indecisive and it leaves me in tears which are oftentimes over the simplest and silliest of things. Crying is a natural response to all kinds of emotions and can be quite soothing and calming as well as quite necessary. My emotions are running very high right now and shedding a few tears when needed definitely helps to release some stress.
Yesterday afternoon is one of several examples of this and a perfect example of just how emotional I am. Rich and I were out running some errands with one of our daughters in a very busy store when I suddenly (and I truly mean it when I say suddenly) became hesitant, vulnerable, indecisive and overwhelmed over the simplest and silliest of things and before I knew it, and before Rich could run and hide from the crazy lady in aisle 5 (that’s me in case you weren’t sure), the tears began streaming down my face and customers began staring (and trust me it’s not even close to the first time this has happened). Luckily my daughter was already 2 aisles ahead!
Although on one hand it felt like an eternity in that moment but once I gained my composure I was able to continue on I felt a sense of calm. Afterall, crying produces endorphins which are better known as “the feel good” hormone so you see it’s alright to cry and as I said above, it can be quite calming, self-soothing and often necessary.
Trying to keep a sense of humour when life kicks you in the ass sometimes certainly can also help ease the blow somehow too because laughter and tears both have so many healthy and powerful benefits! (see pic of Rich)
Oh and through all the tears I’ve shed this week, I could have smoked, I wanted to smoke, I needed to smoke but I did not smoke. And by the way, how long is it til 2021?
YouAreEnough 
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