As each day passes I’m becoming more and more overwhelmed with sadness thinking of the possibility that our #summerofrich 2020 will be completely swept away by the current “Riptide” of Covid-19 but what saddens me even more is the thought that my kids (well 2 kids, one had to retire due to other commitments but would go back in a second lol) may not be able to spend the summer at their “home away from home”. The photo above is of one of my favorite paintings that Rachel made last fall upon her return home from that same “home away from home”.
Happy birthday in your faceRow row row your boat Olympic gold medalist
It’s such a magical place to be and it’s also where she has spent close to 10 summers at and where her and her big sister got to work side by side and paddle Moose Lake together all last summer.
Now close your eyes and imagine for just a moment the calm and beauty that Rachel captured in her painting as she painted it. Let’s try and fill today with that same calmness and beauty by sharing pics of some of your favorite memories of cool summer breezes, hot sandy beaches or maybe a warm summer rain (added bonus if they are camp photos!).
Albion Falls #summerofrich 2018Jesse: 1999 to 2011Shabbat Shalom
I wish sometimes you could just read my mind, I wish sometimes it was just that simple.
I wish sometimes you could just see my pain and my sadness and my intrusive thoughts so clearly written all over my face.
I wish sometimes you could just read the pain and the sadness and the intrusive thoughts written all over your child’s face or your best friend’s face or your neighbor’s face or your coworker’s face but depression often likes to wear a mask.
I have learned to wear a mask, it’s perfectly fitted in a way that allows me to hide my pain when I am able to, it’s perfectly fitted in a way that allows me to hide my sadness for whom I need to and it’s perfectly fitted in a way that allows me to hide my intrusive thoughts from those I want to.
It’s perfectly fitted and yet way more suffocating than my pain, my sadness and my intrusive thoughts combined.
I wish sometimes I could just throw away my mask forever.
*I know how difficult it is right now for everyone so please don’t hesitate to call Kid’s Helpline 1-800-668-6868 Suicide Prevention Hotline (Canada) 1833-456-4566 for help and please remember that I’m always here to listen to your pain, your sadness and your intrusive thoughts: guilt free and judgment free, masks on and off.*
Rich is a definite creature of habit and routine is very important to him (he’s definitely not alone in his thinking in our home as I am sure is the case in many homes around the world). Having his routine disrupted has been an unfortunate reality for him several times over the last few years but now more than ever. Keeping a somewhat “normal” routine may be nearly impossible to do right now for many of us. Are you finding it difficult to stick to your routine? What are you doing to try and keep to a somewhat “normal” routine? Do you find it is helping maintain your mental wellness? Would love for you to share some of your thoughts.
During the last week my girls have been occupying their time by baking lots of delicious treats for us to enjoy and one night this week Rich also spoiled us with a big pot of his yummy chicken soup with Matzah balls as well. Food not only sustains us and nourishes us, but it can also bring great support and comfort to us too. Sometimes food may trigger happy memories or even be able to connect us to our past. Food can also be a perfect opportunity to express our love for each other.
Food may have now become our central focus and possibly the most integral part of our daily lives since social distancing began and I only hope that no matter how many cookies you’ve already lost count of eating by now or how many bowls of chicken soup you’ve enjoyed so far that with each delicious bite or scrumptious spoonful it has given you a sense of security, a feeling of love and provided you some much needed comfort as you move about your day.
Bette Midler is one of my all time favorite performers and song writers. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing her perform and if you were to ask Rich what my favorite movie or song is, he would probably say Beaches/Wind Beneath My Wings. But right now her song “From A Distance” is stuck in my head and its lyrics are so meaningful. I have a difficult time listening to music as it makes me quite emotional, but this song is worth every tear right now; after all we are one world now, fighting the same war; “From A Distance”.
From a distance the world looks blue and green And the snow capped mountains white From a distance the ocean meets the stream And the eagle takes to flightFrom a distance there is harmony And it echoes through the land It’s the voice of hope It’s the voice of peace It’s the voice of every manFrom a distance we all have enough And no one is in need And there are no guns, no bombs and no disease No hungry mouths to feedFrom a distance we are instruments Marching in a common band Playing songs of hope Playing songs of peace They are the songs of every manFrom a distance you look like my friend Even though we are at war From a distance I just cannot comprehend What all this fightings for From a distance there is harmony And it echoes through the land And it’s the hope of hopes It’s the love of loves It’s the heart of every man God is watching us God is watching us God is watching us from a distance
There is still so much uncertainty right now pertaining to the rest of the current school year and for 2 of my kids this isn’t really an issue given that my son is done school already and one daughter is just completing her last few weeks of her 3rd year of University which is now being done all online, but then there is my youngest daughter who is just a few short months away from her High School Graduation and it’s beyond heartbreaking to think that she could miss out on the best and most defining moments of her High School career.
March Break is now officially over for us Ontarions and early this morning my daughter should have been returning home from her Graduation trip to Punta Cana with her friends, but instead she is at home unable to return to school for another 2 weeks, but whose kidding who, it’s going to be much longer than that and there has been quite a bit of buzz over the last few days that school could actually be cancelled for the remainder of the year.
As of right now there has not been any concrete plan put into place for this very possible and very devastating scenario, the one where my daughter doesn’t get to go to her High School Prom or attend her Graduation Ceremony but ya at least she has the accessibility to finish up her school year online if need be. But not every child can do so, in fact many children and their families don’t have computer or internet access in their home and have always relied on the available and free resources from our schools and libraries.
And right now many parents are panicking and rightfully so, but can we just take a step back for a moment (we have nothing better to do right now anyways). We as parents are under a tremendous amount of stress, overwhelm and anxiety about how they are going to be able to “homeschool” their children when the reality is, we aren’t meant to homeschool our kids unless that was the path you had already chosen for them. And an even bigger reality right now is that if school is to be cancelled for the remainder of the school year we honestly have so much more to be worried about than learning fractions or Shakespeare (he needs to be scraped from the curriculum all together!).
I really don’t think I need to tell you what it means if this pandemic continues right through to the summer. Right now we need to support each other as parents and remember that many parents may be doing this parenting and social distancing thing alone or maybe they are coping with the stressors that come along with having a child with special needs or maybe they are new to Canada and haven’t yet grasped the English language or maybe they are dealing with some physical or emotional issues.
Whatever it is that someone else may be going through we need to stop judging each other. Whatever way you are able to get through today and tomorrow and the day after that, remember that you are a good parent and doing the best you can to survive these unprecedented times.
So for now while we wait for what’s to come in the next few weeks try to focus on some kind of routine, but one which allows room for lots of flexibility and lots of outdoor recess and naptime. Now is as good a time as ever to slow down because we ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Also let’s remember that our main objective as parents and human beings right now is to keep you and your family safe as best you can.
There will be so many opportunities for teachable moments throughout the day and maybe it will happen while you’re baking cookies, laughing at a TV show or taking a walk outside or maybe while you’re playing a game or painting a picture. Homeschooling needs to be about self-care which as I said above is much more important right now than fractions (and for sure Shakespeare; sorry to my Shakespeare fans).
So considering my illness feels like it’s hit an iceberg and is causing me to suffer with daily headaches to boot, I will continue to try my best to be the best parent I know how by ensuring that my kids all get an A+ for doing their part in watching way too much Netflix while they help to flatten the curve.
If you’re feeling lonely, vulnerable, isolated, anxious or afraid (or maybe all of them) right now then take a step outside for a moment and look up at the sky above you (wherever you are day or night) and know that no matter where you are in the world that we all share the same beautiful sky. So reach your hands up in the air as high up as you can, close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine for a moment the whole world united by that same beautiful sky.
Rich and I have been hit with some pretty bad blows over the last several years and this week has been no exception. I’m not gonna share right now just how bad a week it’s actually been but trust me when I tell you it’s been pretty f*@#ing bad.
When it feels like the walls are closing in around me my illness leaves me questioning everything, it leaves me unable to breathe, it leaves me overwhelmed and vulnerable, it leaves me hesitant and indecisive and it leaves me in tears which are oftentimes over the simplest and silliest of things. Crying is a natural response to all kinds of emotions and can be quite soothing and calming as well as quite necessary. My emotions are running very high right now and shedding a few tears when needed definitely helps to release some stress.
Yesterday afternoon is one of several examples of this and a perfect example of just how emotional I am. Rich and I were out running some errands with one of our daughters in a very busy store when I suddenly (and I truly mean it when I say suddenly) became hesitant, vulnerable, indecisive and overwhelmed over the simplest and silliest of things and before I knew it, and before Rich could run and hide from the crazy lady in aisle 5 (that’s me in case you weren’t sure), the tears began streaming down my face and customers began staring (and trust me it’s not even close to the first time this has happened). Luckily my daughter was already 2 aisles ahead!
Although on one hand it felt like an eternity in that moment but once I gained my composure I was able to continue on I felt a sense of calm. Afterall, crying produces endorphins which are better known as “the feel good” hormone so you see it’s alright to cry and as I said above, it can be quite calming, self-soothing and often necessary.
Trying to keep a sense of humour when life kicks you in the ass sometimes certainly can also help ease the blow somehow too because laughter and tears both have so many healthy and powerful benefits! (see pic of Rich)
Oh and through all the tears I’ve shed this week, I could have smoked, I wanted to smoke, I needed to smoke but I did not smoke. And by the way, how long is it til 2021?
January is behind me now and all I can say about that is good riddance to you and don’t let the cold air hit you in the face on the way out. I had big intentions for January which included great forethought and planning after purposely taking some much needed downtime for myself for much of December. Yes January, you really let me down big time but you also taught me a thing or two about myself as well.
I spent the month resting and for the better part of it I needed to do so in order to recuperate from my concussion but at the same time I got quite comfortable doing so, possibly too comfortable. As someone who battles with depression everyday, it’s not ideal to want to be in bed all day and night, even if you may need to. I have to say though that one thing that helped me survive the month of January was believe it or not, Social Media.
I’m not afraid to admit it but I love Facebook and I’m not gonna apologize for it either, nor do I have any intentions to use it less, in fact I need to use it even more… intentionally. Facebook and other forms of Social Media have become a place for me to express myself, engage in meaningful conversations, inspire and be inspired, motivate and be motivated and a place where I have created many genuine and intentional friendships as well.
Social Media has allowed me to speak my truth, help others speak their truth and when I need a little extra emotional support I know that my online community is always there for me. Trust me I have lots of emotional support from my “real” friends and family too but just knowing how many people I have cheering me on from the sidelines is a true blessing.
Since starting my blog and publishing my book I’ve needed Social Media more than ever and I have learned how to navigate it with the greatest intent of continuing to keep building a bigger and better platform to ensure my message is heard and heard loudly. I’m having a hard time getting back on track and just so overwhelmed right now but hopefully February has much better intentions for me! At least there is one thing I know for sure that February has in store, only 47 more days until Spring!
I made a promise to myself that I needed to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 in order to help me figure out how I could step forward into 2020 but here I am just over a week into the new year and I have spent most of it in bed with a concussion. It’s certainly not how I ever imagined the new year unfolding but I guess I have learned to “expect the unexpected” and it has been a very challenging week to say the least. The bumps and bruises on my body are physically beginning to heal but in turn I am now left dealing with even more bumps and bruises on my mind.
In my most recent blog “My Safe Place; Feeling The Weight Of My Blanket” (January 5, 2020) I talked about how I needed to rest in order to heal and that spending all day and night last Saturday curled up underneath my weighted blanket was very comforting for me. Lets face it we could all use a day like that every so often but right now my safe place feels almost too safe and scary.
Since the incident last Thursday morning when I fainted again and again and AGAIN I have not left my house other than to see my doctor and visit the emergency room and although I have been doing exactly what the doctor’s ordered by getting lots of rest, I now feel like I am severely paying the price for it mentally.
When many of us imagine a person battling with depression they immediately imagine a person curled up in bed sleeping all day and night. Well I can tell you firsthand that this is not true for everyone and is even further from the truth when it comes to me.
To begin with, I barely sleep! I will admit though that most of my days do not begin at sunrise (I am up at the crack of dawn, just not physically out of bed) and for my own mental health and wellness I avoid making too many commitments or appointments in the morning hours unless they don’t allow for it. I also know that in order to start my day off I must take a shower first (another great untruth that a person with depression doesn’t do).
But this week all I have wanted to do is lay in bed curled up under my blanket; doing absolutely nothing (yet still unable to sleep). I am especially finding that my concussion symptoms like headaches, dizziness and severe nausea are at their worst in the morning hours for some unknown reason; or maybe there is a reason and I’m just not up on all the concussion lingo and the thought of even taking a shower most days is painfully overwhelming too.
I know I am probably being too critical of myself as usual and I am feeling so much guilt as though I somehow caused this to happen. I am also feeling more worthlessness right now than ever as I am unable to complete even the simplest of tasks and want nothing more than to lie in bed day and night until I heal my body and mind.
I wish I was able to let go of the negative self-talk in my head in order to allow my body and mind to both heal properly but in the meantime my goal for today is to be able to try and make it out of my home in order to go to my appointment with my therapist because that would be some pretty big steps into 2020!
YouAreEnough 
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