YouAreEnough

This will forever be one of the proudest moments in my life.


Being invited to share a stage on a nationally aired live morning television show to discuss my recently published children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” took a lot of courage and great strength.


It takes hard work for me to recognize my accomplishments, feel empowered or allow my inner-critic to quiet those negative thoughts in my head just long enough to see my self-worth and embrace my vulnerabilities, insecurities and self-doubts.


These are incredibly important skills to acquire. Our efforts should always be acknowledged. Our achievements, no matter how big or small they may seem, should always be celebrated.


I needed this reminder today. To learn to forgive myself more. To recognize my strengths and gifts. To appreciate my abilities and efforts. To know my self-worth. To be more patient with myself. To believe in me like so many others already do. To keep fighting to get better because I am enough.


#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #morningshow #author #blogger #mentalhealth #depression #mentalwellness #panelist #parentingplaybook #endthestigmatogether #forgiveness #celebratethewins #youarenotalone #youareenough #startaconversation #strengths #selfworth #innercritic #empowering 

Yesterday, I posted a blog as I headed downtown to an appointment. I mentioned in the blog how I’d been hanging onto hope for the better part of 2 months now since I had received confirmation of the appointment and how my Psychiatrist had later told me that he had a good feeling that this specialist was actually up for the challenge, unlike so many I’d seen before (in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/12/06/hanging-onto-hope/).  


It turned out that he was right.


Rich drove me to my appointment and stayed with me throughout. We first met with the assistant to the doctor who gathered relevant information and part of my history as to what led me to them. Once we were finished, he consulted with the doctor before she came to see me…with a plan.


She was very kind and patient. The first thing she said to me was how sorry she was that I am dealing with this horrible disorder and straight up said PGAD sucks, it’s extremely isolating and that as I already know, there is no cure for it but was happy I came to see her and that she is wanting to work with me to try and find solutions for at least some temporary relief. 


The biggest obstacle we encountered yesterday while going through a treatment plan was that the most beneficial treatments she suggested cost ALOT of money, and we now have the fun task of seeing what our insurance company will cover.


We will have a follow-up appointment in January, either in person, if our insurance will cover at least one, if not both of her recommendations. If not, our appointment will be virtual to try and come up with more solutions. 


Tonight, as many of us light the first candle for the start of the Jewish holiday Chanukah, I ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I desperately need a Chanukah miracle. Also, remember to let the illumination of light rekindle a sparkle of hope and unity in each and every one of us around the world because that is truly what matters this holiday season. Let it bring with it a new and brighter light to guide us toward the year ahead.

Thank you once again for all your kindness and support along my journey. It is beyond appreciated. 


#followup #treatmentplan #mentalhealth #wellbeing #pgad #depression #treatmentresistantdepression #chanukah #Hanukkah #thankyou #support #miracles #prayers #brightlight #holidayseason #myjourney #blogger #youarenotalone #youaeenough #youareworthy #kindness #specialists #Psychiatrist #hangingontohope 

*Trigger Warning ⚠️: Discusses M.A.I.D, Suicidal Ideations 

I have an appointment scheduled this afternoon at a downtown hospital with another specialist. I’m heading there now.


It’s not with a specialist who actually deals with my current condition persay, as no one seems to, but she is one of very few doctors who have agreed to meet with me in person because the treatments she performs regularly on her patients may be of service to me. My Psychiatrist felt certain that she was up for the challenge.


Since booking this appointment more than 2 months ago now I’ve hung on to a bit of hope hearing my Psychiatrist speak those words to me, leaving me feeling like this appointment could be the one! 


Last week I was contacted out of the blue by a physician from the M.A.I.D (Medical Assistance in Dying) team. Since my last consultation with them several months ago, I have tried to put the idea out of my mind while I desperately continue to seek other options.


He was very respectful as I shared my story once again. He listened, took lots of notes, asked lots of questions and told me that there is no doubt in his mind that I have been living with “profound suffering” for close to 10 years now. He echoed the words of the last team member I spoke with who had told me, that although I do meet many of the criteria for M.A.I.D under its current laws, especially with all my added neurological issues I’ve been dealing with for the better part of 20 months now, I would need to be re-evaluated again in the spring when the new legislation hopefully comes into place. I already knew this from my last consultation though.


Before we wrapped up our conversation, the doctor asked me one final question which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. There were many obvious reasons why he needed to ask it as part of his evaluation. He proceeded to say, “If I was given $500,000 tomorrow would I still want to die?”


I answered without hesitation but with a lump in my throat. I continue to live with guilt every single day that I have ruined everything and that I am a burden to my loved ones. To me, that money would be able to ease my feeling of guilt and help my family move forward without me. The truth is, did all the money in the world help Robin or Kate or Naomi or Anthony or Twitch and many more celebrities to not take their life? 

Depression is not a choice or a lifestyle, it’s an illness.


Today I will keep hope alive, continue to remind myself that no matter how hard things are right now or no matter how stuck I feel, I have no other choice but to keep fighting as I enter into my appointment.


#maid #suicidalideations #anotherspecialist #keephopealive #neurological #depression #treatmentresistantdepression #pgad #illness #hangingontohope #appointment #psychiatry #youareworthy #youarenotalone #youareenough #triggerwarning 

11 months ago, the United States Government officially launched a new program to help prevent suicide. 


Today, as of 9am this morning, the Canadian Government was finally able to go live with the same initiative after working out all of its telecommunication kinks and funding issues over the past year. This program now gives all Canadians the same access to suicide prevention services and will be available 24 hours a day, 7 days per week, free of charge anywhere in Canada by simply dialing or texting the numbers 9-8-8.


Anyone who has ever experienced a mental health crisis or contemplated suicide knows that time is of the essence and reaching out to crisis helplines has proven to be a valuable way to help prevent suicide in real-time. 


When someone dials or texts 9-8-8, a trained responder will “take a non-judgmental approach to discussing whether there’s a plan, associated mental health issues, use of substances, protective factors and strengths, supports and coping strategies.” Their main focus will then shift to collaborate on a safety plan with the caller by connecting them with local counsellors and other mental health supports.


Only having to dial (or text) 3 digits when in crisis as opposed to having to remember a 10 digit long, 1-800 number can be lifesaving to someone in need of immediate aid or intervention. 


There are 39 partner organizations (including Kids Help Phone) taking part in this program, all of whom have come together to pool their resources and make sure that anyone who dials 9-8-8 has immediate crisis access. A special thank you to one of its key sponsors, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) for providing the program with 150 million dollars in funding.


Please share. It could save a life.


#988lifeline #helpline #crisis #suicideprevention #itsoktoaskforhelp #mentalhealth #savelives #resources #youarenotalone #youareenough #thereishope #camh #KidsHelpPhone

Today is “Giving Tuesday” which has become a recognized day of giving all across the Globe. It takes place on the first Tuesday after Black Friday and is a day for people to give back and/or volunteer for their favourite causes and Non-Profits.

“Giving Tuesday” is also the official kick-off to the holiday season, better known as the “Season of Giving”.

December is about making human connections and bringing good will and simple joy to others (what perfect timing!), so whether that includes supporting your favourite charity, cause or campaign; buying or donating a hot meal/coffee/leftovers to someone in need; letting someone know how much you appreciate them; volunteering your time by helping out an elderly neighbour or listening wholeheartedly to a friend who may be facing a challenging time right now; whatever or however you so choose to honour today and the final stretch of 2023, always remember to lead with kindness because it’s those simplest acts of kindness that can create the biggest smiles.

So be the reason someone smiles today 😊.

And of course don’t forget to keep some kindness for yourself as well; Go ahead and give yourself permission to be kind to you 😊.

#givingtuesday #kindnessisfree #agentlereminder #spreadkindness #randomactsofkindness #youareenough #selfcare #selflove #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #checkonyourlovedones #wereallinthistogether #strongertogether #bethereasonsomeonesmilestoday

“When you write the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”~ unknown 


Six years ago now, I remember telling Rich that I wanted to start a Blog. I wasn’t quite sure where to begin, or exactly what a Blog even was, but either way, Rich, without hesitation, supported my endeavor and helped me get started right away. 


Writing for me is both a creative outlet and very therapeutic. It often helps me to declutter many of the intrusive thoughts in my mind and sort through a lot of my trauma and pain, which was just one of the many reasons for starting my Blog, but the more I kept sharing bits and pieces of my own mental health journey on my personal social media pages at the time it was quickly becoming apparent by the outpouring of kindness, gratitude and welcomed support that I had a greater purpose and needed to somehow expand my audience reach. I saw how much my writing was giving others like myself a safe space to feel like someone was listening, like someone understood them and, most importantly, that it was ok to ask for help. 


I had no idea how far reaching my Blog would actually go. But then yesterday, I received a notification on my site, congratulating me on a milestone, indicating that it had surpassed 50,000 views worldwide.


It may not seem like a big deal to some, especially to content creators who probably see 50,000 views a week on their sites, but for me, it felt purposeful. So from now on, whenever my negative self-talk grabs hold of me or I begin to doubt myself, moments like this can gently remind me that when we hold our own pen in our hand, we do have the power to make an impact on the world. 

#milestones #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #writing #blogging #gratitude #reachingout #sharingmyjourney #creativeoutlet #therapeutic #itsoktonotbeok #contributions #fiftythousandviews #socialmedia #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness 

It’s so easy to take for granted, but when you live with both a mental and physical illness like I do, it can be so hard to find joy in an ordinary day. 

This weekend I took time to just “be”. My goal, to try and leave behind the really difficult week I’d had which included an unrelenting flare up in my body that has gone on for days now. I spent time this weekend soaking in the beauty of nature during a long walk in the woods with Rich. Visiting friends who just welcomed a new puppy into their home. Reading. Catching up on some TV shows I’ve had pvr’d for weeks. Laying in bed til noon with my fur baby cuddled up beside me and having dinner with all my kids; a rarity these days.

It now feels like forever ago since our weekends solely revolved around our kid’s lives. Our calendars, for years (and years), were filled with non-stop playdates, birthday parties, hockey and baseball practices, running errands, hockey games, baseball games, tournaments, art classes, swimming lessons, skating lessons, dance classes, more hockey, more errands and the list goes on…and on. We were never ending Uber drivers, long before Uber was even a thing.

I miss all of it and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world but nowadays for me, it’s actually the mundane things I crave most. The simpler the day, the better. The uneventful days and the ones left unscheduled.

It’s the little moments that life is all about, not the grandiose ones. It’s those days which I find the most calm and joy in. It’s those ordinary days, making time for both myself and the people I love that I have learned to appreciate most over time.

“It has taken awhile, but I certainly do know it now ­­– the most wonderful gift I had, the gift I finally learned to cherish above all else, was the gift of all those perfectly ordinary days.”~ Katrina Kenison

#ordinarydays #thejoyinordinarydays #alonetime #selfcare #spendingtimewithlovedones #nature #momentslikethis #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #physicalhealth #depression #anxiety #youmatter #family #friends #be #summerofrich #thelittlethings 

After a very long and tiresome week, I did something today that actually made me feel proud of myself. 


No matter what, I always seem to find a way to belittle my wins no matter how big or small they are. 


I minimize my accomplishments.


I criticize my efforts, thinking I could’ve done better.


I devalue each baby step I take, feeling like one step is almost laughable. 


It’s bullshit though because no matter how big or small the win is, the accomplishment, the effort or the step forward, it should be worth smiling about, patting yourself on the back for, celebrating the victory and allowing yourself a moment to feel proud.


#proudmoment #feelingproud #babysteps #celebratethewins #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #tgif #youareenough #shabbatshalom #peace #yesididit

Last evening I went to an appointment after work. The first thing the practitioner asked me before getting started was, “Has there been any significant changes to your medical history since you were last here?”. 


While looking at my chart, the practitioner quickly added as reference, “you were last here in February of 2022”.


I paused for a moment as it registered in my mind that the last time I visited their office was just 6 weeks prior to my participation in the Psilocybin Research Trial. 


A flood of emotions came over me. 


Flashbacks to April 2, 2022 overcame my already anxious body.


I am easily triggered by everyday sights, sounds and smells, which bring me back to a certain time or place. This became one of those times.


I tried, with great difficulty, to stay composed and mustered up enough energy to just say NO. 


I’d already been having a difficult week as it was and I knew that by me saying “NO” wasn’t going to change the course of my appointment either way; and besides, where would I even begin trying to explain to this poor, unsuspecting practitioner what has actually happened to me since I last saw her. 


PTSD is very real and can be very complex. It most often occurs following a traumatic event or experience in one’s life and can be triggered by seemingly harmless situations that can send a person spiraling right back into the emotional horror of their past experience in a millisecond, which is exactly where I found myself last evening as I continue to live day in and day out with a neurological disorder that was caused by my treatment on April 2nd, 2022, a disorder which nobody seems to be able to fix, and many more not even willing to try. 


#ptsd #complex #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #triggers #flashbacks #events  #youareenough #doingthebestthatican

Anxiety is challenging at the best of times, but today, it’s been super challenging for me and I just can’t seem to pinpoint one specific trigger.

I know there is lots hiding behind my subconscious mind right now and the combination of everything all at once is probably what’s making me feel this way today but still I can’t put my finger on what is causing this overwhelming sense of doom that’s been lurking around every corner since I woke up early this morning. 

It’s relentless.

I made a promise to myself though as I anxiously drove home from work this evening that I would try and go easy on myself tonight. Selfcare being key.

I thought that maybe after taking a long, hot shower and getting into a pair of cozy, warm pajamas after work would be a good place to start in helping me to find the courage and strength to fight back against my anxiety; and if that didn’t help then I would gently remind myself again that it’s ok because “courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice in your head at the end of the day saying; I will try again tomorrow.” ~ unknown 

Be proud of yourself for surviving the days you thought you couldn’t. 

#courage #cozypjs #roar #anxiety #gentlereminder #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #hotshower #selfie #tryagaintomorrow #triggers #youareenough #voicesinmyhead #subconsciousmind #doom #overwhelmed #warmblanket #mentalhealth #suicideawareness #selfcare #strength